5

  I said three hail marys.

  4

  3

  2…

  Oh dear god, I don’t want to die!

  1!

  I opened my eyes and unclenched, looking at the prompt.

  Ha! Just Kidding. You thought you could get away that easy?

  The relief alone made me feel like I was going to vomit. But I didn’t, and instead read the prompt further.

  —

  The System is made to take worlds that are near destruction, smush them together, and take all the good bits and preserve them. Now what does that mean for you? It simply means that you’re part of the good bits, don’t get a bloated head over that, so are the other 8 billion people on your planet. For the amazing accomplishment of being born and being in the right age bracket, you get the opportunity to take part in an optional system tutorial. Would you like to?

  [Yes/No]

  —

  Near destruction? What did that mean? I know things weren’t looking great environmentally, the world economy was in shambles and almost everyone except the usual suspects were reaching deeper and deeper levels of poverty, but that was human oriented. Humans didn’t make up the world, we were a big part of it, but I’ve always been under the impression that that would change somehow, and Earth would go on without us and much happier for it.

  The overall implications of this system message were overall too much to consider. This wasn’t the accumulated destruction of humanity, but what was it? There wasn’t enough information, and despite my poking and prodding, along with the occasional out loud command, there really wasn’t anymore information to find.

  It wasn’t a fair decision, that was for sure. But nothing has ever been fair.

  —

  You’ve selected [Yes]. Are you sure? You will be separated from your family, friends, and loved ones. If you’re not in the same Tutorial Instance, it may be difficult to reunite with them.

  —

  All my friends had moved to better horizons, and I was far from any family who’d welcome me into their homes.

  —

  You’ve selected [Yes] again! You may be abandoning people in need. Like the elderly that don’t qualify. Sitting in their retirement homes. Abandoned. What about the dogs left in the pound with no one to feed them? The tutorial will delay your ability to help.

  —

  That made me pause. Of course it did, as it would any decent human, but I was starting to get the feeling that this system wanted me to say no– that it was taking some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me struggle. Let’s say this tutorial is as important as the System made it sound, how would my ignorance help anybody?

  —

  [Yes] again, huh? Do you even really care?

  [Yes]

  Beginning Transportation…

  (2) Achievements Unlocked!

  (2) Bonus points added!

  Special Trait Added!

  Base Card attained!

  Welcome to the Tutorial.

  ***

  One second I was naked in the darkness, and another my vision was blinded by mocking sunlight. I found myself in my same old pants and shirt and groaned as I began to sit up, every muscle in my body ached like I had been hit by one of our delivery trucks.

  Ours… well, just theirs now. For a moment, I felt like it could’ve all been a dream. Almost as if I had a medical episode in the parking lot. Keep in mind, I’ve never fainted before. Fortunately, that idea was proven wrong when a piercing scream reverberated in my ears, and a LEGO minifigure the size of a large toddler lunged out at me from behind a concrete wall.

  Screaming, I rolled over to the side, trying to scramble to my feet, but before I could the figure sunk its plastic teeth into my thigh, and its weight sent me flopping on my fat ass. Obviously, I panicked, awkwardly swinging my fists into its plastic shell skull as its teeth sunk deeper and deeper into my muscle.

  “Fuck, fuck, FUCK!”

  On the fifth punch I could feel the plastic crunch, knocking the figure from its grip. It landed, and staggered back, its little square shell around its legs flaking off as it crawled, revealing dense blue muscle. I stood up, bracing for the little shit to come around a second time, but a series of cramps lanced up my stomach, and I had to clench every muscle in my abdomen so I didn’t shit my pants.

  Then time froze.

  This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

  —

  3/3 Tutorial Tokens remaining. Use one?

  —

  Yes, asshole, why not?

  —

  Tutorial Token Used! Ask any one question.

  —

  I looked around, and saw that time wasn’t exactly frozen, but slowed down to a snail’s pace, and that the minifig creature was getting ready to pounce again.

  “Okay, uh, what do I need to do to not shit my pants?”

  —

  Good question! Simple and to the point, so I’ll answer the same way. Eat his flesh! Thank you for using your Tutorial Token, brought to you by Neville & Sons Lawncare, LLC.

  —

  “Wait! How am I supposed to do that?”

  —

  Do you wish to use another Tutorial Token? 2/3 remain!

  —

  I looked to the Minifigure, who was now soaring through mid-air and unhinging his evil plastic mawl. On the left side where I was punching its head, the upper left side near the stud was starting to cave in.

  “Yeah, whatever, sure!”

  —

  Kill him. Brought to you by Neville & Sons Lawncare, LLC. You now only have 1/3 Tutorial Token(s) remaining! You only have 3 available for the whole Tutorial. You should be more careful, they’re very expensive.

  —

  “Three the whole— you know what fuck it.”

  I turned right as the world began to return to normal, and even then I could see everything as if it were in slow-motion. I took a step forward toward the charging creature and swiveled, abandoning my attempt to keep my ass muscles clenched, and snapped my left leg out in a near-perfect roundhouse kick, hitting the minifigure’s head with my shin bone. There was a series of simultaneous creaks and cracks as the thing’s skull was crushed like a soda can and blue-gray brain matter and blood splattered all up my leg, it fell back and slapped against the ground, its black lightless eyes dangling out of the skull.

  —

  Classic Minifigure (Red Shirt Variant) Defeated!

  (12) XP rewarded!

  Base Card information now available!

  (1) Bonus Point added!

  ___

  I nearly cheered at the notification, then groaned as I felt the push in my guts. Trying not to cry at the pain, I hunched over the body and began to chew at the raw muscle and gagged as blood vessels burst in my mouth. Honestly, it was a texture thing. It really didn’t taste that bad. Like crab crossed with venison.

  ___

  Achievement Unlocked!

  ___

  Out of curiosity, I tried to summon these achievements almost like you would out of a VRRPG, calling out the names of a stat, or asking for an achievements screen, but it wasn’t until I just kind of thought about it real hard that anything happened.

  ___

  Name: Guillermo Roberts

  Level: 1

  Base Card: TANK

  Echelon: Worm

  Free Points: 3

  Strength: 13 (16)

  Dexterity: 7

  Constitution: 14 (18)

  Intelligence: 10 (9)

  Wisdom: 8 (6)

  Luck: 10

  New Achievements: [Ancestor], [Melancholic Compassion], [Experimentation]

  Traits: [Loser Pilgrim]

  ___

  Before I did anything else, I looked at the oddest thing first, the trait. Mostly 'cause it was out-right insulting me.

  ___

  [Loser Pilgrim]

  This Special Trait was given to a disturbing amount of people in this universe! You, like many others, achieved nothing particularly special with your old life. So much so that you wanted to start over completely! Not in the normal way, like moving a couple towns over and changing your name because you realized raising children was too much work, but in a ‘I wish society would implode’ way, and where did that lead you? Right to me. Don’t worry, weary pilgrim, lay down your head and rest. I promise it’s likely you’ll die before you notice anything.

  Effect: -3 Bonus Points

  Rarity: Uncommon

  ___

  I ignored the accusation and shame that burned my cheeks, and moved on to the Achievements.

  ___

  [Ancestor]:

  You’re the first in a new world. If you and anyone else in this universe survive and have any kids, they’ll fuck like rabbits and you’ll have gross little incest babies running around telling stories about their great-grandpappy! I will warn you, it’s statistically unlikely you’ll be one of those people.

  Effect: +4 Bonus Points

  Rarity: Common

  [Melancholic Compassion]:

  Your final thoughts were of someone else. That’s rare, but not rare enough to grant you a grand prize. Just know the System has noticed a deeply buried part of your character worthy of note. Even if it is buried under a pile of pudgy mediocrity.

  Effect: +1 Bonus Point

  Rarity: Uncommon

  [Experimentation] has evolved into [Oddball Introduction!]

  [Oddball Introduction]

  [Experimentation] was earned when you killed a creature in a way that wasn’t reliant on your main stats (in this case, that shin kick was reliant on Dex, your second lowest stat.) Everyone earns [Experimentation] eventually, but not everyone is an obese idiot that roundhoused an enemy to death while trying not to shit his pants. The way that plastic humanoid crustecean combusted while you sharted yourself was a spectacle to behold! No doubt people will speak of this for days to come. Not everyone will like you for it, or respect you. But they will remember you.

  Effects: +1 Bonus Point, Random Card Selection at LVL. UP, Higher probability of absorbing a card from the creature you killed.

  Rarity: Very Rare

  ___

  More bewildered than anything, and acting on instinct, I put two points into Dexterity, and one point into Constitution. Then I selected the Base Card option.

  ___

  A Base Card acts as a profession or classification. It doesn’t count towards your ten-card deck, but it may count towards your deck in special circumstances. You will be allowed to change your base card at any Echelon upgrade. Use your time to know what you need, and build your ten-card deck around your base card.

  Base Card: [TANK]

  This is the one thing you have to be proud of in your miserable life. You have been given the [TANK] Base Card. I see in you the potential to defend, to act as the vanguard in battle. Many a life you could save, and many an enemy you could slaughter. Given time, even someone like you may hold their head high in my presence.

  Effect: Increases proficiency in shortswords, one-handed swords, light polearms, and shields. Gives an effectiveness increase to favored stats (+20% up to 15 points strength, +30% up to 25 points constitution) and decreases unfavored stats (-10% intelligence, -25% wisdom.) Additionally, it rounds up the effectiveness of favored stats to the nearest whole value and rounds down unfavored stats.

  Rarity: Uncommon.

  —

  I began to shiver when I looked upon my base card. The description of my achievements was mocking, but irreverent, and other System notifications were the same, but they had an underlying cruelty and malevolence that scared me. This one was different, and somehow worse. [TANK]’s description was absent of humor, it was as if the card was looking down on me like a judging god, and a tiny part of me wondered if that were in any way true.