Oi Keir,

  I hope that really is your name. If not just tell me your name.

  Every story begins with a change, a romance, a move to another country or the death of a loved one. But what if there will never be such a change? What if I grow old and I'm still as unhappy as I am now, and then I die because my own thoughts have killed me? So today I'm going to start. At a random point in my young teenage years, to see where it's going to take me. I'm not saying my life is full of adventure, love or anything else that no other person has. Well, I do have something that no other person has, but we haven't known each other for more than seven months, so I think it's too early to drop that. It has to wait until I'm sure about this thing.

  I'm just trying to figure out who I want to be.

  The winter break is here and it definitely doesn't make me feel better, I feel more alone than when I'm working my 9 to 5 because I have time to think about things. Do you know that feeling when you're writing a test and you erase the first answer you got to write another one, but the second one turns out to be wrong? The same thing happens when you think too long about a decision and it doesn't get better, it just costs you time. But I don't really care about my life time because I don't think I'm going to die tomorrow. My first choice today was to wake up. Honestly, I don't know why I did that, because I had no plans or motivation. But I woke up anyway. The first day of my winter break and I'm already bored. I don't miss work at all, I hate going in and staring at my laptop for 8 hours straight. But I'm not as miserable as I thought because we got to wake up today. It would be interesting to talk to a mentally disturbed person, because they are diagnosed with these things and I'm not. Maybe I am just one of those weird teenagers who think they are special.

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  Back to the part that other people can see and that isn't just happening in our heads. Family dinner at Christmas. Christmas is a big ass lie, because giving expensive presents to family members doesn't make you more loved by your family. And then questions like "How are you? "I don't know why people always say things they don't mean when they really mean "What are your problems, what's going on in your life, are you still a virgin or how does it feel to be an ignorant teenager in a generation where mobile phones are more important than happiness". Because I have no choice but to say, "Yes, my life is going well, thank you" If I gave my real answer, my parents would be worried about my life and my future. And I would run away, where to? I have no fucking idea. Just as far away as possible. I don't really have anything to lose. No friends, or a boyfriend, or a passion that would really keep me safe. This writing thing is just a distraction from my real problems. So I just sit there at the family table and smile when people ask me stupid questions.

  My parents feel differently about these questions. My mum is a really positive person, which I'm happy about. She has problems too, she's trying to lose weight even though she's not fat. And it hurts to see her do that because no matter how much she eats, she'll always be beautiful. My dad's mind is messed up like mine, he takes medication, I'm not sure what kind of medication but I think it's for his depression, we don't really talk about it much or at all. I want to help him but I don't know how? He tries to look after my life, but it's hard for him to feel anything good in this cycle of depression. I feel like I'm his only hope, but that hope died in me a long time ago. I want to leave them behind. Not because they were bad parents, not at all. But because I think I could run away from my own problems, even though that may not be the truth. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

  Good Night Keir!