Imperial Gazette: “News for the Times”
By Stefani Urwind
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My name is Stefani Urwind! I love venturing into Kalish, observing extraordinary creatures, and writing about my discoveries for you.
This week’s discovery is about dragons! Dragons are massive creatures, easy to recognize. Imagine a lizard with wings and a head the size of a house, and you’re not far off. For years, dragons have always been a myth... a story parents would tell their children. My father, in particular, loved to tell me stories about how a dragon would eat me if I didn’t finish my vegetables.
But over the past century, reports of dragons have increased dramatically. I’ve spoken to several witnesses who describe how these majestic creatures have flown over their farms only to attack them out of the blue, seemingly with no provocation!
I’ve seized this opportunity to uncover what’s really happening!
I consulted Permersland’s foremost wizard and reptile enthusiast to find out what to do if you see a dragon. Jens Buk says:
“It’s not very likely you’ll see a dragon, as everything points to their nonexistence thanks to the heroes guild. It’s incredibly ambitious that you’re even trying to find any.”
Under a bit of pressure, Jens still provided some advice:
“If you see a dragon, don’t be afraid. Every text I’ve read suggests these creatures are peaceful and non-violent. It’s unlikely they’d take much interest in you, so for the love of the gods, leave it alone.”
I pressed Jens on what abilities a dragon might use to defend itself. He elaborated:
“Let me emphasize that dragons are highly intelligent, and ancient texts show that they rarely fought at all. […] However, they are known to breathe elemental breath weapons capable of destroying entire fields. Their skin is nearly impenetrable. Their claws and teeth are stronger than any metal we know of. But what most people underestimate is their tails, which can crush entire squads of soldiers beneath them. They also have access to magic, as the texts suggest they were created when Kelllwan and Ewen clashed. But as I said, they are by no means violent, and—”
I had heard enough. These colossal killers were a challenge I couldn’t refuse. If you’re unlucky enough to see a dragon, pray it doesn’t kill you with its fire or magic! But even though these predators can annihilate battalions with a sneeze, I still planned to head south to uncover more about these threats... or perhaps, find what is so noble about this new goddess.
The trail led me to the Life's End. Now I don't need to remind my readers about the braveries I performed during last years expedition to find out if orks and dwarves truly had a common ancestor! However, for the new among you, it is worth noting that Life's End is the home of the dwarves.
I carried as many weapons as I could in case one of these bloodthirsty predator reptiles attacked me. I was also told that Kingstooth could keep them at bay, so I brought six dozen of the gnarled roots. I will be honest with you here, dear reader. This wasn't just to protect me against the fearsome predators in the sky, but also to protect me against many of the dwarves that have a fierce hatred for journalists with integrity, since I proved that they were directly related to orks.
After months of pointless travel, I finally pinpointed a rough location for these incredibly dangerous creatures. Upon reaching a small valley between two mountains, I found what I was looking for.
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I saw the dragon temple! This temple is a secret to all but the dragons themselves, and a few true believers. It contains an altar to every kind of dragon, as if they were some sort of "highly unorthodox religious sects that take part in sinister practices and demonstrations", also known as a cult!
I have risked life and limb so that you, dear reader, can gain insight into the types of dragons you might encounter, and possibly be killed by! Before anyone asks, I will, of course, keep my sources for the dragon temple confidential, as this is extremely difficult information to obtain. Nonetheless, I must thank Jens.
In this temple I found that there were two kinds of dragons. I found there are elder dragons and dragons. Yes, dear reader! The dragons we have been seeing burning down our lands are not even the most dangerous kind of dragon that you might encounter!
Now some of you disbelievers out there might try to argue that the dragon attacks could be explained by other means and that the Heroes Guild has eleminated all dragons. It is is clear that you do not have a shred of integrity in your bones if you think this. Clearly, the Heroes Guild is protecting the dragons to be able to get subsudies by Empire. The Emperor is happily giving away your tax money to fund the dragon protecting guild. Do I have proof of this? You just way until my next article!
Anyway, my sources, who have no relation to Jens Buk, was very informative when it came to these ancient beasts.
"The platinum dragon, resplendent with scales resembling the precious metal, is the embodiment of humility."
However, I say that anyone that tries to appear humble is a hypocrite. If it was so humble it wouldn't make everyeone else look bad in comparison! Furhtermore, why is its scales so bright if it is supposed to be humble? As I always say, dear reader, think for yourself!
"The red dragon, with jagged, iron-like scales, embodies patience. Its ruby-like eyes reflect an unyielding calm."
I don't know about you, dear reader. But anyone that labels themselves as patient turns out to simply be passive aggressive. I wouldn't take my chance, what is worse than being speared by sharp teeth, only to be spit out and told that the dragon is on a diet?
"Gleaming with the warm glow of polished bronze, this dragon is the living representation of kindness."
I once had an editor tell me that anyone that is is kind to you is either stupid or trying to sell you something. I am here to tell you that anything that calls itself kind is just here to manipulate you! Don't fall for it.
"With dazzling, mirror-like scales that reflect the world around it, the silver dragon symbolizes diligence."
Have you ever had that co-worker that says they are working harder than everyone else and they are the most diligent person on the job? Well, all I see is someone vain and shallow. I see the same with this dragon, a being that is interested in how it is perceived rather than what it does.
"The golden dragon, smaller in stature but no less brilliant, represents charity."
Now what is worse than being torn to pieces by a raging beast? That is right, people looking down at you and assuming that you need their help. They will call this charity, but I say that it is just condescending. So I am not going anywhere near this brutal beast.
"Dark and unyielding, the adamantine drake is the personification of temperance."
There are those out there that believe that you should listen to what others have to say and take things slow. I say no. Fight for what you believe in, and anyone that asks you to take things slow is a tyrant, so when this dragon says that it stands for temperance I say that it stands for tyranny.
"The copper dragon, with its soft chestnut-brown scales, represents chastity."
Do I really need to spell this out for you? No I truly believe that my readers are smart enough to see that it is their duty to help the Empire and have more children for our noble armies. Don't let some flesh-eating lizards that is filled with puritanical guilt make you think that you should abstain.
To try our personality quiz: "What Elder Dragon are you?" see page 23.
Unfortunately, I was unable to figure out much about these dragons. Not because I was discovered, but due to my Dwarven guide turning on me, and trying to end me where I stood. Had it not been for my bundles of Kingstooth, his blade would have pierced my heart and I would not have been able to write you this article1.
I suspect that not only had my trusted guide been infested by the propaganda that Raffael Moordet and his followers spew, but I propose that these younger dragons have been corrupted as well. This attack proves this thesis and I believe that we should not trust Esselaia, if she is the Queen of Dragons and the dragons are vicious and corrupt killing machines, does that not mean that she is so as well?
Food for thought, dear reader. Stefani Urwind out.
This article was paid for by the Kelllwan Church.
1 - Note based on historical context: Many dwarven cultures have declared this unnamed dwarf to be a martyr and to have only brought dishonour to his family by not finishing the job.