Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling
Choking on my blood, the voices stopped screaming.
Dripping in red, I cry
These silent tears that don't dry
They soak the carpet underneath
Fall between the cracks in the floor
The cracks in my heart.
I hear the sirens coming from far
And it's such a bittersweet alarm.
Always too far
You can't reach what you can't reach
But I wish under the haze of defeat
That someone sees the building I painted red in every scene
Screams with a voice I don't have
That someone in there needs.
Cars pass the windows, and the shadows dance in front of my eyes.
Life is always so fast
Chasing and running
Dodging all attempts
Winning the race and ruling it
The prize and the racer
The player and the game
How do you win such a game?
The endless road stretches on for miles
And under the shade of red wine
I taste the bitterness of every failure I hid under a smile
You can't hide what you can't hide
But you can try
And you can fall trying
You can reach the bottom of yourself trying.
It's a belief that I have
A fear that I have
A vision so clear every time I think
I just want to rest
A fall so deep every time I close my eyes and think
I just
Want to rest.
If I stop trying, I'll die
If I stop trying, I'll be spread wide
Open for anyone who has eyes.
They'll see the scars and the failures
The fears and the pains and the regrets and the overwhelming sadness I can't fight most days.
The blood, the blood, the blood.
I can't let them see
How messed up I can be
But staring with blurry eyes in an unidentified night
I think maybe I tried too hard
Because now, no matter what I say or do
Nobody
Sees.
A laugh bubbles out of me uncontrolled
It burns my throat and makes the night more unreal
Because ah
I tried too hard, didn't I?
Always an overachiever
Even in pain.
The laugh is hysterical and unplaced in the pool of red I became
But another one soon follows after
And another
Laughing
I am laughing at my life more than anything
At the way I always pick the road with the more pain
The alley with the less light
At my inability to live in anything remotely light
At my fear and wincing face every time the sun shines
A new battle a new scar
"You really have to try."
I got too used to the night
Too used to hiding in its sights
My shadows are bigger than me
I accepted that a long time ago
I have a body
And it's not mine.
Accepted, screamed, nodded, sobbed
I try.
The shadows are so tall
Like a family figure that was supposed to be safe
And a dream limit that was never supposed to end
Like an alight soul that was supposed to live.
Ah
Blinking in the darkness, I try to gather my thoughts
Strings on strings
Voices on voices
It's hard to follow a single one
But the shadows
Yes
Those are easy to find
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A soul knows itself more than anyone after all
A soul knows itself.
The shadows are loud
Not in the dramatic sense
Of screams and wails
No
The shadows are so loud
And it makes the silence suffocate every light.
Feeling something dark resting under my skin
Feeling it rear its head every time I lose control
Every time the smile strains under the weight
Of trying all the damn time.
Hearing an echo of a silence that should be void
And yet
It's like an illusion.
A carefully crafted one that sometimes
Sometimes, I wonder
If I am imagining things.
But I am not
I know I am not
I hope
I wish
Because the itch I scratch in my arm says
There is something vile hiding inside
Behind the curtains, slumbering
Showing a silence that smiles while covering chaos upon chaos
Loss upon loss.
It's not loud
It's not screaming
It's shattering
And in front of the silence
All I can do is scream
So I do
I do.
I hear whispers of laughs every time I break
Like a puppet hanging by a thread
I entertain the crowd with every new pain
And I can't talk or cry or ask for help or do anything anything at all
Because it's silent
Yes
I am the only one who is screaming.
Lying on the cracked floor with a cracked heart
I laugh and cry and hope
And I try
This is me trying, I want to scream
But I don't.
Whose tries end in blood?
Nobody will believe.
Hearing the sirens coming closer, I close my eyes and hide
Because oh they'll see
They'll see and look and pity
And I just wanted the voices to stop
Why
Why do they never stop
Opening my eyes to a blurry picture of a worried woman, I sob.
Why do they never stop?
I can see the pain in her eyes, and it cuts the places I left uncut
Because under the curse of the silence
I did everything I could, and it ended with me here
Grasping onto threads of life
With a foot out the door
Away from the cliff
Watching pain bloom in another person
That's too different from the one I always see in my dreams.
It hurts.
More than anything
More than any blade
The grief of not being loved
It always hurts
So
So much.
With blood leaving me and falling
And tears streaming silently
Under the careful touches of hurried hands
And the shouting voices that soothe the ache of being unheard
I close my eyes and stop trying
Like a line in a hospital
Finally, ceasing the fight
I stop
And hope that it would become the end.
(It lingered there, deep inside my heart
Behind that wall of laughs
Under the cover of who I had to be
Inside the box of every loss I had
The dream of seeing honeyed eyes looking with love
Light safe fingers that follow the scars like they are made of stars
A deep embrace that whispers to my heart and protects
A moment of silence
That makes me feel the warmth of being alive.
It lingered there and stayed
Hidden behind my eyelids, afraid
Because when I opened my eyes
I saw eyes staring through me like glass
And wished with loud wails
That I was anything other than what I was born as.)
