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Red sirens, Honey eyes.

  Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling

  Choking on my blood, the voices stopped screaming.

  Dripping in red, I cry

  These silent tears that don't dry

  They soak the carpet underneath

  Fall between the cracks in the floor

  The cracks in my heart.

  I hear the sirens coming from far

  And it's such a bittersweet alarm.

  Always too far

  You can't reach what you can't reach

  But I wish under the haze of defeat

  That someone sees the building I painted red in every scene

  Screams with a voice I don't have

  That someone in there needs.

  Cars pass the windows, and the shadows dance in front of my eyes.

  Life is always so fast

  Chasing and running

  Dodging all attempts

  Winning the race and ruling it

  The prize and the racer

  The player and the game

  How do you win such a game?

  The endless road stretches on for miles

  And under the shade of red wine

  I taste the bitterness of every failure I hid under a smile

  You can't hide what you can't hide

  But you can try

  And you can fall trying

  You can reach the bottom of yourself trying.

  It's a belief that I have

  A fear that I have

  A vision so clear every time I think

  I just want to rest

  A fall so deep every time I close my eyes and think

  I just

  Want to rest.

  If I stop trying, I'll die

  If I stop trying, I'll be spread wide

  Open for anyone who has eyes.

  They'll see the scars and the failures

  The fears and the pains and the regrets and the overwhelming sadness I can't fight most days.

  The blood, the blood, the blood.

  I can't let them see

  How messed up I can be

  But staring with blurry eyes in an unidentified night

  I think maybe I tried too hard

  Because now, no matter what I say or do

  Nobody

  Sees.

  A laugh bubbles out of me uncontrolled

  It burns my throat and makes the night more unreal

  Because ah

  I tried too hard, didn't I?

  Always an overachiever

  Even in pain.

  The laugh is hysterical and unplaced in the pool of red I became

  But another one soon follows after

  And another

  Laughing

  I am laughing at my life more than anything

  At the way I always pick the road with the more pain

  The alley with the less light

  At my inability to live in anything remotely light

  At my fear and wincing face every time the sun shines

  A new battle a new scar

  "You really have to try."

  I got too used to the night

  Too used to hiding in its sights

  My shadows are bigger than me

  I accepted that a long time ago

  I have a body

  And it's not mine.

  Accepted, screamed, nodded, sobbed

  I try.

  The shadows are so tall

  Like a family figure that was supposed to be safe

  And a dream limit that was never supposed to end

  Like an alight soul that was supposed to live.

  Ah

  Blinking in the darkness, I try to gather my thoughts

  Strings on strings

  Voices on voices

  It's hard to follow a single one

  But the shadows

  Yes

  Those are easy to find

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  A soul knows itself more than anyone after all

  A soul knows itself.

  The shadows are loud

  Not in the dramatic sense

  Of screams and wails

  No

  The shadows are so loud

  And it makes the silence suffocate every light.

  Feeling something dark resting under my skin

  Feeling it rear its head every time I lose control

  Every time the smile strains under the weight

  Of trying all the damn time.

  Hearing an echo of a silence that should be void

  And yet

  It's like an illusion.

  A carefully crafted one that sometimes

  Sometimes, I wonder

  If I am imagining things.

  But I am not

  I know I am not

  I hope

  I wish

  Because the itch I scratch in my arm says

  There is something vile hiding inside

  Behind the curtains, slumbering

  Showing a silence that smiles while covering chaos upon chaos

  Loss upon loss.

  It's not loud

  It's not screaming

  It's shattering

  And in front of the silence

  All I can do is scream

  So I do

  I do.

  I hear whispers of laughs every time I break

  Like a puppet hanging by a thread

  I entertain the crowd with every new pain

  And I can't talk or cry or ask for help or do anything anything at all

  Because it's silent

  Yes

  I am the only one who is screaming.

  Lying on the cracked floor with a cracked heart

  I laugh and cry and hope

  And I try

  This is me trying, I want to scream

  But I don't.

  Whose tries end in blood?

  Nobody will believe.

  Hearing the sirens coming closer, I close my eyes and hide

  Because oh they'll see

  They'll see and look and pity

  And I just wanted the voices to stop

  Why

  Why do they never stop

  Opening my eyes to a blurry picture of a worried woman, I sob.

  Why do they never stop?

  I can see the pain in her eyes, and it cuts the places I left uncut

  Because under the curse of the silence

  I did everything I could, and it ended with me here

  Grasping onto threads of life

  With a foot out the door

  Away from the cliff

  Watching pain bloom in another person

  That's too different from the one I always see in my dreams.

  It hurts.

  More than anything

  More than any blade

  The grief of not being loved

  It always hurts

  So

  So much.

  With blood leaving me and falling

  And tears streaming silently

  Under the careful touches of hurried hands

  And the shouting voices that soothe the ache of being unheard

  I close my eyes and stop trying

  Like a line in a hospital

  Finally, ceasing the fight

  I stop

  And hope that it would become the end.

  (It lingered there, deep inside my heart

  Behind that wall of laughs

  Under the cover of who I had to be

  Inside the box of every loss I had

  The dream of seeing honeyed eyes looking with love

  Light safe fingers that follow the scars like they are made of stars

  A deep embrace that whispers to my heart and protects

  A moment of silence

  That makes me feel the warmth of being alive.

  It lingered there and stayed

  Hidden behind my eyelids, afraid

  Because when I opened my eyes

  I saw eyes staring through me like glass

  And wished with loud wails

  That I was anything other than what I was born as.)

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