Oof. This was awkward with a capital ‘A;’ Oak and his friends sat tensely with quiet humility, while the Lady of the house—young as she was—glared down her nose imperiously. It was uncomfortable, all around. The floor wasn’t soft even with the rug under-butt, and the silence that pervaded the office was brimming with anticipation. Just minutes ago Fig finally shut up, and now sat sulking with her back to Toni’s while she quietly rubbed at her bandaged hand.

  Now all that was left was to have The Talk.

  No, not that ‘The Talk!’ Geeze dude, get your mind out of the gutter, I’m pretty sure sex doesn’t exist in this world—not without the parental settings turned off, and this isn’t that kind of story! No. This ‘The Talk’ was the one a hot dog has right before it gets taken out of the package on the Fourth of July. With the most essential question being: ‘Are you ready to be grilled?’

  Oak’s eyes moseyed between the Lady and the blond man to her side. Usk was his name, if Oak remembered right. He seemed the type to find solace in silence rather than utilizing it as stinging nettle. The man had to be a trusted servant of some sort, but that… unfortunate outfit belied a higher station than that. It was just—the wrong colors. The pleated pants and dovetail overcoat swirled with colors clearly chosen deliberately, but it just… didn’t work in this room! He stood out like a sore thumb!

  Yup, yup, yup. Looks like things were pretty serious. Oak came to the conclusion that neither of them was going to start the show any time soon. He might as well get things started. Oak opened his mouth a bit too late, though.

  “Did you know that—uh—torture has been found to be an ineffective method for extracting information?”

  The Lady blinked once, then turned in confusion to Toni.

  “Uhm…” Toni said weakly. “Studies have shown that intel collected this way was unlikely to be accurate. Not even to mention the effects on the subject, or—uh—administrator. All around it’s just not very good at what it tries to do!”

  A beat.

  “Toni…” Fig said. “Just… Why?”

  Oak could swear that he could hear Toni blush. Seeing the familiar dismay on both his friend’s faces, Oak couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

  “Toni. I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to bring out the knives and pliers.”

  “I didn’t imply they would!” Toni rushed to say, face pink. “I didn’t mean to anyways. I just thought—well, I just thought it was neat. I was reading about World War 2 and there was this account of this German officer who used like, really humane measures to get information from his prisoners. With a bit of humanity they gave up a lot. In fact they all appreciated him so much, some stayed friends with him after the war!”

  “No way!” Fig said in disbelief.

  “I can confirm it.” Roy said, “It was a terribly important lesson we had to learn in—um—my other school.”

  “It is totally true!” Toni exclaimed. “Like, this officer would let some prisoners fly planes with limited fuel so they could feel that joy of being pilots again! But like, there’s so much more to this story—“

  “Ahem…!” The Lady didn’t clear her throat. She said that like a word.

  Everyone fell silent, once again aware that they were in a bit of a pickle.

  “This… was supposed to be when renovations would start. All my staff are away for their own safety. And now? I have such an incredible mess to clean up I can’t have the architect over for days.”

  Oak blinked, and gave the girl an apologetic smile.

  “I can see why you’d be distressed, miss. We really didn’t mean to break anything, or trespass at all! It’s a long story, if you have the time, but the short of it is—”

  “Lady.” Usk growled.

  “Hmm?”

  “Mistress Tegan is the head of this manor, and House Scowle. You will address her as Lady.” His tone brooked no argument.

  Oak frowned slightly, and raised his eyebrows. Toni at his side wiped at her brow.

  “Sure thing.” Oak shrugged. “Lady Scowle, I promise you we meant no harm.”

  Lady Tegan sharply turned from Oak’s placid gaze, and walked to the window that overlooked her land.

  “What am I to do with you?” She gripped her dress tighter. “You’ve cost me hundreds of gold worth of damage and delays. You invaded my home, and as we speak there are who-knows-how-many creatures desecrating it a second time. So.” She turned back around and stared down each of them with eyes of cool water. “What, am I, to do. With you.”

  She let the silence build once again, the weight of her displeasure bearing down on them all.

  “Tch.” Fig scoffed, and got to her feet. She stared defiantly at Tegan for another moment. Then she smiled like a cheese-grater…

  —What! It makes sense! It’s sharp, and unconventional weapon—Hey. where do you get off with criticizing my story!? Get back here so I can beat you to a—

  Fig held that smile, then looked to her friends with raised eyebrows.

  “Heh.”

  She walked right out of the office. Huh. Oak looked to his friends with surprise, and got to his feet.

  “Wait, just one second.” Tegan said, her voice rising.

  Oak followed after Fig, and Toni jumped up to join him.

  “Where do you think you’re going!? Usk!”

  The man moved to intercept Roy, But Tony grabbed his hand and pulled him along.

  “Mistress, I have no combat [Skills] of note.” Usk, frustrated, and impotent glared at them as they walked right on out.

  “Come back here this instant!” Tegan shrieked.

  Oak and his friends joined back up with Fig, and wandered down the hallway to look for the nearest exit.

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  “How did that possibly work?” Roy asked.

  “It was her speech, right Fig?” Oak said.

  Fig grunted in the affirmative. “All that moaning and groaning about the trouble we’re in? It’s just property damage.”

  “Additionally,” Toni added cheerily. “Now we know no one else is on the estate, so she can’t realistically use the threat of violence to force us!”

  “I didn’t catch that… I do feel bad, though,” Oak said. “We did break her stuff.”

  “Eh.” Fig said. “We’ve just been sucked into a children’s story book, she can stuff her floorboards up her abacus.” She scowled suddenly. “Why can’t I say asparagus? Asbergers.”

  “It’s been occurring since we got here,” Roy said. “It’s because we’re sequestered in a parallel cosm with incongruent principles of reality.” He stopped short “Um—! Parallel means right next to each other in—in perfectly straight lines!” He was shouting near the end.

  Toni patted him on the cheek fondly. “Sweety, we’re all familiar with ‘parallel.’”

  “Ah. Found it.” Oak opened up the door to the outside.

  Lady Tegan and Usk waited there for them. He stood to the side with a silver platter resting on his hand, staring into the middle-distance. Tegan sat at a table in the middle of the path, and was idly going over documents. She was trying to hide it but she was breathing harder than usual, though Usk looked like such a perfect picture of stalwartness that the image was probably rendered in pastel and stored somewhere in the Louvre. It was probably the lighting.

  “Ah, wonderful, you’re here!” She said, and put her notes to the side, and gave the group a brilliant smile. Usk put down the platter in the center of the table, and pulled the top off to reveal half a dozen pastries with green filling. “Please, make yourself at home. I have a proposal I promise you’ll want to hear.”

  Fig narrowed her eyes. “She’s just going to pretend that our earlier chat didn’t happen? Let’s just go—”

  Oak held up a hand to forestall her.

  “I want to try something, if you don’t mind.” He asked. Fig let out a huff, and leaned her back against the door frame.

  “Don’t break her too badly.” Toni said with a teasing lilt.

  Oak frowned, then turned back to the waiting Lady. His friends didn’t really get it. They acted like he was some sort of bludgeon of sexiness meant to conk someone over the head with. But flirting didn’t work like that, most of the time. Even if it did, that would ruin the fun!

  Yes, there was push and pull, but it was never about wins and losses. It was about what felt good. What was exciting, or heartwarming! Oak loved to flirt because he was always surprised in just how many ways two people could like each other. He learned something new with every woman he met on the playing field… It was just a bit sad that he didn’t have time to craft a fresh uniform.

  Oak covertly brushed back his hair, and adjusted his close in half-a-dozen stupid little ways.

  Tegan, for her part, was stunning. He wasn’t up to date with… well any of this world fashion customs, but her dress fit exceptionally on her nearly-thick frame. She wore gloves that disappeared into her sleeves, and wore heavy-laden makeup. Curiously, her necklace was overrun with trinkets. Small metal symbols, shamrock, even a rabbit’s foot. Her silken auburn hair was pulled taut by a pair of long pins shaped from brass, but the biggest show-piece of them all, was her expression. Open radiance shown from her smile, and the crinkle of her eyes. Beautiful in it’s own right, but there was something else hiding behind those silver irises. Just what did she actually want?

  It was alluring, the mysteries secreted by flower petals yet to bloom. He wanted to know. And he wanted to help his friends out of a tricky situation. Supposedly, opposite sentiments that should war within him. But Oak did not do war. Forever and always, he would play.

  Oak approached the waiting Lady, and picked up the empty, tucked-in chair.

  “Well, Lady Tegan,” He began with a warm smile. “You obviously have something in mind. I’d love to hear what you have in store.”

  Oak set the chair down right next to her. He sat down casually, facing slightly towards her with an open posture. He did not loom. Looming was a quick way to scare just about anybody, and most people needed to be in a certain mood to be aroused and frightened at the same time.

  “Well…” Tegan picked up her notes and tapped them on the table, aligning them. She was expectedly nervous, but it was too early to tell if it was because of Oak’s proximity, or the situation as a whole. She turned in her seat towards him, and tilted her head slightly. “I would like to take you.” She said, “All four of you, to be my personal retainers.”

  Oak’s heartbeat ramped. At her movement, her legs had come close to his, just breaths away from touching. He raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And what kind of work would that entail?” He gently rested his knee against hers as he held eye contact. She didn’t pull away, and stuttered her next words.

  “O-oh. Just… Whatever.” She flushed, and looked away. “I apologize, that’s not very specific is it?”

  He felt a smile creeping up his cheeks. This was so fun! Tegan continued.

  “Typically, retainers of this station are a sort of… intimate servant. They hold onto important personal affects, are kept in close confidence, and help the—employer with maintaining their public image…” She took a steadying breath. “Currently, however, I require something more unorthodox… You are… special.”

  Oak blushed slightly, only as much as a carnation.

  “On that I’m sure I can agree. Fig is as ambitious as they come, Toni is the smartest girl I’ve met, and Roy can survive anywhere, and I…” He hesitated. Now was the time for a risk. He grinned with just the right amount of outrageous cockiness. “I know just how intoxicating a pair of eyes can be.”

  Tegan flushed from her neck up to the tips of her ears. She shrunk in on herself, disappearing into her dress. She vacillated between glaring, and staring up at him with enormous puppy-dog eyes.

  “Shut up…”

  Oak grinned. This was what flirting was about. Finding those strange contradictions people held at their core, what made them… them. The merits of the game itself would always be enjoyable, but seeing those skirmishing feelings in Tegan blew the base frivolity away.

  Now, I have it on good authority that this sentiment makes Oak a massive pervert!

  It sometimes scares people, accidentally revealing something they held so close to their hearts… And because he’s a freak, Oak enjoys terrifying people like that, only to sit calmly nearby until the other realized they were safe. Like they had been entrenched behind barbed wire, and artillery had blown through the defenses. They had been trained to know that they would be stabbed in the chest, and scarred all over again… But Oak—the sicko—was not a trained soldier. He was a Player.

  That wasn’t to say that everyone saw it in such reasonable terms. Some people saw his face and hair, and only thought the worst.

  Usk plopped the platter of pastries in his lap with a barely disguised glare.

  “These should sate you.” Usk said.

  Oak smiled a ‘thank you’ before returning his attention to the Lady. She had turned back fully to the table, with her legs crossed… that seemed intentional. Her ears still darkened with redness that mirrored Oak’s own flushed cheeks. Her eyes darted away from him at his studious glance, though she seemed to be under control for the most part.

  To give her that time, Oak finally tried one of those pastries with green filling. It was sweet, and vegetal, though not in a bad way. It was in the same genre as carrot cake. It was quite nice!

  “What’s your name?” She said. Oak cocked his head in surprise. Huh, he hadn’t introduced himself had he? That was embarrassing. With a wince he told her.

  “Oak. Short for Oakland Burns.”

  “Oak…” She tasted the sound of it with a quirk of her lips. “That’s an unusual name.”

  He sighed and leaned back into his chair, closing his eyes. “Yeah… Yeah that’s what I’ve heard.” All his life in fact.

  “Not too common on your world, is it?” Tegan said.

  “It’s not a big deal. It used to annoy me as a kid, but I’m used to it by now. Fig get’s it worse, but she’s less conservative with bodily harm than I am…”

  Wait a second. A chill ran down Oak’s back as he realized exactly what the girl—the calculating woman had said. So he opened his eyes, and turned his head.

  Lady Tegan of House Scowle smiled at him. A sweet, slightly smug smile to be sure, but her eyes! Her eyes were filled with a blaze he hadn’t seen until now.

  “I can get you back home.” She whispered. “I just need a couple young servants for just about a month.”

  Suddenly, his mouth was dry, and he gripped the platter in his hands tightly.

  “Don’t be so frightened.” She said sweetly. “I only want gold, and I know exactly how you’ll get it for me; Mountains of it!”

  She picked up a sweet, and nibbled on it with a giggle. “I don’t expect you to die too many times.”