I’m in trouble… and big ones at that! Completely drowned in shit, all the way in. I’ve put myself in such a mess that I lost all chance of getting out. You know, that’s not something one would come upon by mere bad luck, nor something one would cause by a simple mistake then blame the heat of the moment, thus forgetting it… … no, now that I think of it, IT WAS!!

  “We are here today to finally state a clear verdict regarding the charges brought against the accused.”

  A small inadvertence.

  “As a reminder, after having received all complaints and claims, collecting proof from witnesses, and retaining all pieces of evidence on file. It was decided to stop the indictment to further examine all elements in detail. Furthermore, the court held a closed-door debate to discuss the different courses of action available to our choosing. ”

  A mere oversight that every man in my shoes could have made.

  “It has been agreed that each victim will receive satisfying moral compensation, as well as financial support according to the amount of ‘consequences’. Moreover, the indemnity will be guaranteed by this here international court and several other parties. To name a few, the Saint kingdoms of stainless soul, the Northern Union, and of course, the Rana empire who instigated the case.”

  It’s just that it has happened too often. Way too often!!!.. If not all the time...as far as I can remember, I don't even know If I had ever NOT done it once… … Have I?

  “The court has already finished its deliberations and is ready to rule… ”

  So, how often would you Ask? Well, with once or twice per working day as a basis, let’s say one and a third, 2 or 3 times per week. We then need to account for all resting days, once a week, with a good standard of 2?... No… Let’s not be barren here; they were at least worth 2,5.

  Oh, right, we must not forget holidays! How many again? 6? 11? Yet I distinctly remember about twenty or so… or was it even more? Bah, there's no point in counting them anyway. At some point, my presence alone was enough to paralyze the city and justify making it a public holiday. So, I guess it was a little higher than that.

  Let’s say 50.

  “The accused is found guilty of all counts! We, therefore, decree that he and his future official lineage will have to pay off the upcoming debt up to full reimbursement or otherwise decided! ”

  For approximately 425 times a year, and for three and a half years, taking into consideration the times I was too busy or couldn't make it… but let’s not bother with the details any longer. I'd Say around 1500.

  Wait, it seems I missed something. Holidays likely replaced working ones in most cases, so I should remove…

  “All 3723 victims up to date shall receive 58 silver and 33 copper coins per month for a combined sum of 7 gold a year.”

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  Oi Oi Oi-i...WAIT A MINUTE. Is that even possible?!!

  “In addition, extra aid will be procured for victims with multiple issues in the amount of 3 golds a year for each addition, up to three, then one gold for any more than that.”

  Hey! 7 Gold is already worth an average physical worker's annual salary! You can't give that much, can you? Anyway, they don't need it!

  “Cases with more than three will be given special care and additional help in the form of favors. Accommodation, food, and clothing will be provided free of charge by your respective kingdoms, according to access criteria yet to be determined.”

  Anything else? You don't want to pay for their vacation while you're there, either? Tell me, you're not going to do it, are you?

  “I’ll take this opportunity to mention that I’m well aware of these troublesome specific cases with an abnormal number of issues, which goes up to 7. We shall assure you that we will not let you alone in your torments and will do everything in our power to give you personalized assistance.”

  Did he just say seven???? SEVEN? Are you sure that’s not a coup monté? OBJECTION!!! Your grace!! Wait … …Now that it crosses my mind, I don't think they took into account the ones yet to be...did they?

  “Moreover, a budget will be secured to relieve all future potential victims; do not worry!”

  Nope, no, they didn't! But at least there shouldn't be much left, given the time spent in the cell… I should be happy that my debt is not likely to increase.

  But really, how did the total reach this much? Again, how is this even possible?! Even if I did it every day, it wouldn’t and can’t account for this many! Unless...

  Ah! Alright... It’s true that I inadvertently forgot these times that counted double...or triple...or…

  I think I should stop here. I can’t figure out how high the multiplier goes. And I don't want to!!.

  OKAY j'avoue! It might be possible that times like those (x5) would add some to the balance.

  Or those rarely seen (x10) or even that time I can't remember well with 29 or so (it should’ve been more, but four were inept, and I’m sure of it!).

  And maybe, I said, in the slightest possibility, that there are moments I don't remember at all, for no reason, black holes in my memory that remain to uncover. Perhaps those could exceed that number, but that is very unlikely!

  In no way...

  “The perpetrator shall repay throughout his life a total yearly debt of at least 41 133 gold coins accounting for currently approved child care and moral support, to with accommodation and future victims add 25 000. Considering the hero’s help and diligent work over the years, it will be reduced to 65 000.”

  Arrrggggg! It is the equivalent of a rich duchy yearly income! Before government taxes! Do you truly want to be repaid or to simply push me to suicide? Be honest!

  “For a minimum of 15 consecutive years, with a rate of 1,5% per year of the unpaid amount.

  Moral compensation will be reassessed every three years from today onward. Note that a moral support plant is also under discussion, so the final amount may vary to a certain extent.”

  That can’t be real. I’m done for. How am I supposed to repay it? Even if it was just a quarter of that, I would hardly succeed in doing so! Don't even mention 15 years; I will probably miserably fail to meet the conditions for the first one.

  And what’s the problem with these numbers? It’s almost the same as if I was a natural living assisted reproductive technology (ART) with a 100% fertility rate!! And what about infantile mortality?! Ah…. Right, with healing magic, it’s almost impossible to die during childbirth… not gonna be helped by that part; too bad...

  How the FUCK did I FUCK myself into this (these) FUCKING situation(s)! Like... Literally…

  I should have taken Mom’s words more seriously and used contraceptives after all.