Edwige Kenchington was a humanoid-sized chigger who lived on the back of a hirsute insuffilating viper. However, as of late she had been away from home for longer and longer spells, wandering about Bonertania, a country in the middle of Pus Continent.

  Edwige had been staying at a hostel in Ilium, a large scientific commune in Plotzquad. She was on a tour of feature film motion picture memorabilia museums with her current beau Ixodidae, a plush woodtick who was the king of Woodtick Holler. Edwige was getting more and more irritated by Ixodidae and his unfortunate possessiveness and controlling behavior. Plus, he was significantly shorter than her which made her feel weird. So finally, one Cloonesday morning, she put on her trademark rainbow-striped frock and some sneakers and announced she was going to go off to be by herself for a while.

  "Where do you wish to go, honey?" asked Ixodidae, who was ruler of all plush woodticks.

  "I am tired of the joint," answered Edwige, "and as the bicycle tree beside the crystal lake is now hanging full of ripe wheels, I thought I would gather one and ride over into the next valley over in search of a nice meditation spot."

  "The next valley, my dear, is inhabited by nefarious chestikulls," said King Ix, "and should you meet them they might do you an injury." Chestikulls were a type of pink giant. They were shorter than a kaiju but taller than an ogre.

  "Oh, I am not afraid of chestikulls," replied the chic chigger, boldly. "If they should not be pleasant to me, I’ll just ride away as quick as I can."

  "I don't know about that," responded the smallish plush woodtick. "There may be giant-sized bicycle trees in the next valley and the chestikulls could give chase. Anyway, my dear, it is always dangerous and foolish for any one to go off alone. Instead of running away in search of meditation spots, you would do better to go down to the shopping district and help me pick out new eye buttons and fluorescent thread for my friends and family."

  "That sounds like work," said Edwige, sulkily, "and I hate work. I am horribly tired of this stupid place, and shall not be happy until I have had some time to myself. I think it would be healthy for us to be apart for a little while. You don’t need me to pick out your buttons and thread.”

  "Well, well! Go if you wish," answered Ixodidae stiffly. "But take care of yourself, for when you are away from me there will be no one to protect you from danger."

  "I can take care of myself, Ix," cried Edwige, "so do not worry about me," and she walked away quickly. “I’ll be back in time for a midnight snack,” she called over her shoulder.

  The chic cigger selected the best and ripest bicycle on the tree, and, having mounted it, was soon speeding away along the path to the mountains.

  She came on a bush bearing a very good quality of fiddles, and this at once attracted Edwige, who was a most excellent fiddleist, being able to play correctly a great number of tunes. So she dismounted and selected from the bush a small fiddle that seemed to have a sweet tone. Then she rode on, steering the bike with her lower set of hands and playing the fiddle with the upper.

  Shortly after resuming her journey she came to the Salamander Snot Plains, a level stretch of country composed entirely of salamander snot. Edwige had trouble peddling her bike on the sticky snot-dirt ground, and when she reached a river of pure snot she had to stop, for she could neither leap nor swim it.

  Dismounting from her bicycle Edwige began looking for some means of crossing the snot river. No bridge was visible in either direction, and the bank was bare save for a few low bushes on which grew salamander snot bonbons and salamander snot caramels.

  But Edwige did not mean to be turned back by so small a matter as a snot river, so she scooped a hole in the salamander snot dirt, and having filled it with the more liquidy snot from the river, lighted a match and began boiling it. After it had boiled for a time the salamander snot became stringy, and Edwige quickly threw a string of it across the river. It hardened almost immediately, and on this simple bridge Edwige rode over the stream.

  Once on the other side she sped up the mountain to its tip, where she stopped again and began to look about her. She discovered a cup-shaped valley in the center of which stood an enormous chateau, built of purple stone. The chateau was high and broad and long. Engraved in big letters upon a stone over the doorway, the words:

  “MINJ CHATEAU”

  This, Edwige thought, must be where the giant chestikulls lived; and, although she saw no one about the house, she decided to make a call and introduce herself. So she rode slowly down the valley, steering with two hands and playing on her fiddle with the other two as she went, that the music might announce her coming.

  Mrs. Minj was pink and corpulent, with many skin folds and flaps. Her hair was rolled up in green curlers and she wore an old, ratty- but comfortable-looking- pink bathrobe and green slippers. She was currently lying on the sofa in her sitting-room petting a taxidermied chihuahua and watching a feature film motion picture about duck corruption. The couch was about the size of a vanbus. She had nearly fallen asleep when the sound of Edwige's music fell on her ears. This was so unusual in her valley that the monstrous chestikull arose and went to the front door to see what caused it.

  This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

  Edwige had by this time nearly reached the house. She took care not to show any fear, and bowed politely to the chestikull and said:

  "This is Mrs. Minj, I suppose?"

  "That is my name," replied the chestikull, grinning at her visitor. She had a big gap between her two front teeth."May I ask who you are?"

  "I am Edwige Kenchington, a wanderer. Being determined to see something of Sifillis, I am traveling for pleasure, and have just dropped in on you for a friendly call."

  "You are very welcome, I am sure," returned the chestikull, smiling widely. "If you will graciously step into my humble home I shall be glad to have you for dinner."

  Edwige bowed low and accepted the invitation, hopping up the large steps into the enormous house.

  "Do not leave my bicycle," said Edwige, "for should anything happen to it I could not get home again."

  So Mrs. Minj put the bicycle in her bathrobe pocket, and then she entered the house and walked to the kitchen, where her super best friend was engaged putting together a model kit of the famous Buddy’s Dad’s Slaughterhouse (located in Mukusquad).

  "Maurice! Guess what I've found," said the chestikull to her partner.

  "I'm sure I don't know, Mallory" answered the unattractive, wiry-haired giant peevishly, without looking up. He was wearing a scummy wifebeater tanktop, dingy boxer shorts, and dirt-caked socks with garters. The pink balding brute’s breasts were just as large as his partner’s and their faces were nearly identical.

  "But, guess!" pleaded the unattractive female giant.

  "Go away and don't bother me," Mr. Minj replied, taking a deep whiff of his model glue.

  Mrs. Minj, however, was in a merry mood, and for a joke she suddenly picked up Edwige and dropped her down the back of her SBF's wifebeater. Edwige screamed. Mr. Minj’s back was sweaty and covered in acne and she slid down it all the way to the top of his hairy buttcrack.

  "Oh! Oh!" Mr. Minj screamed, trying to get at the place where Edwige had fallen. "What is it?" And the poor man began to pound his feet against the floor in terror, which caused a small earthquake.

  Mrs. Minj roared with laughter. Edwige was able to slide down out of Mr. Minj’s wifebeater and onto the chair he sat on. She then leaped like a cricket to the floor. She tried to wring some of Mr. Minj’s sweat out of her frock, then made a low bow and said:

  "Do not be afraid, Mr. Minj. I must say it was a very ungallant trick for your wife to play on you, to say nothing of my feelings in the matter."

  "So it was," he exclaimed, getting up on his feet

  Mrs. Minj, having enjoyed her laugh, now introduced her partner to Edwige Kenchington. Mr. Minj stared curiously at Edwige and said. "You’ll have to stay for dinner and tell us who you are and where you came from." Edwige agreed to stay for dinner. She tried not to think about Ix waiting for her back at the hostel.

  Edwige got along very well at dinner, for the chestikulls thoughtfully placed her on the top of the table, where she could walk around as she pleased. There being no knife nor fork small enough for her to use, Edwige took one of the chestikull's toothpicks, which was as big as a sword, and with this served herself from the various dishes that stood on the table.

  When the meal was over Mrs. and Mr. Minj sat on their couch and lighted a roachberry pipe- the bowl of which was as big as a barrel- then passed it back and forth. Edwige asked them to blow a hit at her and they both did at once, the huge purpley cloud of roachberry smoke enveloping the mite and making her feel pretty awesome. Mallory Minj asked Edwige if she would kindly favor them with some music.

  "Certainly," replied Edwige, always happy to entertain. The chestikull picked her up in and placed her on a high shelf, which contained a commemorative plate with a picture of a bloody food court and an old meatidong skull. Edwige seated herself on the skull and began to play her fiddle.

  The big pink people enjoyed the music very much at first, for Edwige was a capital player. But soon came a disagreeable interruption.

  About a month before the Minjs had caught several dancing-queezimps in the mountains, and, having brought them home, had transformed them into strings of enormous sausages. These were hanging in graceful festoons from the beams of the kitchen ceiling, awaiting the time when they should be eaten.

  Now when the dancing-queezimp sausages heard the music of Edwige's fiddle, they could not resist dancing. Edwige was playing such a lively tune, that presently the strings of pink sausages broke away from the ceiling and fell to the floor, where they danced about furiously. Not being able to see where they were going, they bumped against the Minjs, thumping them on their heads and faces and guts hairy legs, and pounding them so severely that Mr. Minj became frightened and hid under the table. Mrs. Minj hurried out of the room.

  Seeing their plight, Edwige stopped playing, and at once the sausages fell to the floor and lay still.

  "That was strange," said Mr. Minj, as soon as he could catch his breath; "the queezimps evidently do not forget how to dance even after they are have been transformed into sausage meat!”

  “You guys eat queezimp sausage?” Edwige said, grossed out. She suddenly wondered what tonight’s meatloaf had been made of.

  Mrs. Minj reentered the room, holding a tiny gold cage studded with red dusted diamonds. The cage would fit a large cockadoodoo bird or a tiny squidwarf. Edwige wondered why Mrs. Minj was holding it, and why the chestikull was coming towards her with such a funny look on her face, slowly unbelting her bathrobe...?