Chapter 22

  “Dr. Cohen?” called out Kelton. There was no answer. Apparently, Cohen was occupied elsewhere.

  “Zenek?”

  There was no answer. Kelton decided to retrace his steps. He popped in at the Western Wall. The crowds of the embodied and the disembodied still thronged the Plaza. He listened for a few minutes, trying to make some sense of what he was hearing. None of the preachings caught his ear. Kelton jumped to the cathedral in Vienna. The discussions continued, nothing had changed here. His frustration got the better of him. “You people don't have any better idea than I do of what's happening here,” he yelled. A few of those gathered turned to look at him, shrugged their shoulders, and resumed their conversation. He called out to Zenek once again, and there was still no answer.

  SIZZLE

  He appeared in the garage. The box loomed large. He poked his head through the wall of the box. It was very disconcerting to see his body sitting still as a statue on the Adirondack chair. “What have you gotten yourself into?” he asked himself.

  He looked at the equipment. The counter continued to tick off the time. There were just three hours left before the hearing. Kelton groaned in despair. He needed familiar surroundings. He went home.

  SIZZLE

  He stood in his tiny living room. The curtains were drawn. He looked at the honeymoon photos on the wall. The happy couple looking back at him filled him with longing and despair. Looking around him, he was reminded again and again of what he had lost. Last week, the dripping faucets, the aging cabinets, the threadbare carpet, and the peeling paint were a constant source of irritation. Today, he would give anything to go back to the way things were.

  He wanted to see Gillian.

  SIZZLE.

  He found himself sitting in the back seat of the car. Dev was sitting in the passenger seat. Deke could tell that Gillian had been crying. The radio was playing the traffic report.

  “Hello, Dev,” Deke said. “How is our girl doing?”

  Dev responded. “Deke, this is a mess. How did things get the way they are?”

  “Things just spun out of control at the university, and they just keep getting worse and worse. I cut a corner, and the department head…”

  “I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about how I messed up my life and my family. I don't think I can ever get over it. I want my little girl to understand that I'm sorry I left her alone. I'm sorry that I left her mother. I would give anything to be able to go back and change things. It can't be done. I tried to explain to her, and she just started crying and then turned up the radio.”

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  “Dev, I don't think you're helping things. Your apologies seem to be getting through on some level, but they just upset her.” Deke told him. “Do you want to keep hurting her? Have you considered that your apologies might be selfish?”

  Dev exploded, “Selfish? I killed myself to take care of my family so they wouldn’t have to live with my failure. I just need them to understand that I am sorry. That I did it for them. They won’t hear me. They won’t listen to me!”

  “Are you listening to yourself, Dev? You keep saying me, me, me when you should be thinking about what your family needs. You weren't thinking about your family when you pulled your car into the garage. You were just thinking about yourself. It was a selfish act that you are going to have to live with. Pain is always hard to live with, but things will get better, right? ”

  “But it doesn’t get any easier,” wailed Dev. “Day by day, I expect the pain to ease like it used to when I was alive. It doesn’t get better. I remember each hurt I caused with exquisite, crystal clarity. I can’t forget. Each day, I discover new dimensions to the pain I caused. The effects of my actions expand outward like the ripples that form when I throw a pebble in the pond. Each day, I find additional consequences causing pain in those around me and then in the people around them! There is no end! There is no relief! The ripples don’t diminish as they expand. They continue to roil outward. They create new ripples. Sometimes, the ripples combine with other ripples and make waves that roll me and tear at me. I tell you, I cannot bear this pain. I need Gillian and her mother to forgive me!”

  “How is creating more pain in your family going to calm those waves? I need you to think about what Gillian needs now. Your daughter is hurting. Your presence is breaking her heart. She obviously feels your pain when you try to apologize. But she doesn’t know it’s you. She just knows that she is missing you. Maybe the best thing you can do for her right now is to stop. When you are in a hole, sometimes it’s best to drop the shovel.”

  Gillian started to cry again.

  Dev’s face was wracked with guilt and anger. “How do I stop?” He moaned, “ I am chained to it. There is no relief.”

  “Maybe you can get your mind off of your pain,” Deke suggested. “I need some help. Gillian needs your help. I thought I was getting the hang of things. I thought I knew how to get around. But the things I thought I knew aren’t working. There are some people I have met that I want to talk to again. I think they can help me. I have talked with them a few times in the last hours, but I can't get in touch with them now.”

  “What do you need to know?” asked Dev.

  “How do I get them to come to me?”

  “Come to you? You want them to come to you? You want these people to come to you when you snap your fingers?”

  “ I called out to them. They answered my call earlier, but they didn’t respond when I tried again. I called out to them them by name. I looked for them where I had seen and talked to them earlier.“

  “Why did you not just go to the people you wanted to talk to?” asked Dev.

  “I don’t understand. It’s …”

  “It is a simple matter of imagining that person and stepping in their direction. Why is that so hard?” Dev said. “You thought that just by taking thought, you could order people around? This isn’t the internet. It doesn’t work that way. You have to put in some effort. You have to move toward them. “

  “Will you come with me? It hasn’t been working for me.” Deke put out his hand to Dev. He thought of Zenek. He took a step towards Zenek.