I didn't wake up feeling like half a popsicle this time, and I sighed, basking in the warmth.

  What a fucking dream that—

  Wait. It was then I felt it, my face smushed between two very soft somethings. Now, it was nice, don't get me wrong, but I was alone in my apartment, and I somehow doubted that a girl had broken in during the night just to cuddle.

  The strands of blonde hair I spied in the corner of my admittedly limited vision practically confirmed it.

  I was also trapped. Seriously, she must have eaten all her veggies as a kid and asked for seconds. Didn't help that she seemed to be a heavy sleeper as well.

  Resigning myself to it, I listened to her snoring softly for a time. If I was being melodramatic, I would have said that there were worse ways to meet the Reaper.

  It was moving my head left and right that finally did the trick, and after her very blue eyes took in the situation, she relented with some red on her cheeks.

  Though as we shifted around some underneath the heavy cloak, she gave me a cross look. If I had to guess, it was because a part of me was poking her. "What did I say about funny business?"

  I stared bravely in the face of her fury. "It's not like I can tell it what to do."

  I didn't expect her to suddenly give me a grin. "I haven't snapped it in half, have I?" She didn't pull away either. "Most men don't like how I make them feel small."

  It's not that it wasn't fucking with my head just how much woman she was; it was more that there were a thousand other things fucking with my head right now, and that wasn't even close to the worst offender. I still had no idea what the fuck was going on. Were we even speaking in English right now?

  "My masculinity is not so fragile," I said instead.

  There was a double entendre that she probably caught, seeing as her grin got more toothy.

  "Maybe we'll see."

  Saying that, she pushed the cloak off of her and got to her feet, stretching in the sunlight. I couldn't help just watching her a moment before I joined her, where I was immediately greeted by the cold.

  Thankfully, burying myself in my swanky new cloak kept the worst of it away. I also noticed Ralof combing his hair. Where did he even find a comb?

  "I had been betting on the two of you arguing for most of the night," he commented. "Happy to be proven wrong."

  Skadi snorted from the tree trunk she had commandeered. Then she pulled out a comb as well, running it through her long hair. Did I miss some kind of memo?

  "I've a sister in Riverwood that can share with us a hot meal and some supplies for the road," he continued. "At our pace, we should make it there in two days' time."

  There was a frown on her lips at his words that Ralof must have noticed as he laughed cheerfully.

  "Don't trouble yourself with it. Gerdur has done well for herself, and we are comrades in arms now, are we not? It is by the skin of our teeth that we have escaped arriving in Sovngarde with so few stories to tell. Talos must be watching us closely."

  It wasn't long after that that we were on the road again. Between Skadi looking like a barbarian queen and me looking like I was fighting my own cloak, and losing, we must have made for quite the sight. Any would-be bandits might very well die of laughter when they saw us.

  The burns on my arm twinging painfully whenever the interior of the cloak brushed against them weren't helping either, a constant, nagging pain unlike any dream I remembered.

  It all got my inner murderhobo thinking. If I was stuck here, I needed to approach this with a certain candor. I didn't have a single septim to my name, and somehow I doubted the trick with the bucket would work.

  A plan slowly started to form. I just had to sell it.

  "Is there a mine around these parts, Ralof?" I asked

  "Hmm?" He seemed to give it some thought before he snapped his fingers. "There's Embershard Mine. Riverwood and Helgen both rely on its iron." His eyes caught mine. "Why do you ask?"

  "It might just be stories, but I heard from some travelers that there was a mine not far from Helgen that had been taken over by bandits." It seemed a reasonable thing to know, and say.

  "Bandits?" Ralof muttered.

  Now to just… "Figured I should at least mention it since you mentioned having family in Riverwood."

  Skadi had a smile like a shark's on her lips. "How far?"

  Ralof had a more thoughtful look. "An hour or two if we're quick. It would be bloody work, but I can't say the thought of bringing Gerdur some good news to go with the bad isn't appealing."

  "After a dragon, how bad can a few bandits be?" Skadi asked. "A bit of luck and they might run away with their tail between their legs without us having to lift a finger. At worst, after I claim the first head."

  I felt a little impressed at how easily she matched my murderhobo energy, and even exceeded it.

  "We'll be taking a detour away from the river," Ralof continued after a hum. "Let us quench our thirst first."

  Success! There was supposed to be another spell somewhere in there that I wanted, even if the mechanics here might not work exactly the same…

  Ralof had also made the right call, the trek through the hills even making me sweat in the cold. Though maybe that was more because I was trying to keep up with two maniacs I was beginning to suspect were superhuman.

  At least it all kept me too busy to go round and round in circles with existential dread.

  Ralof slinked ahead to take a look when we neared the mine, leaving me with a quietly humming Skadi sharpening her axe with a stone she found. It gave her an almost motherly air, if with a generous helping of murderous intent.

  He crept back after some minutes. "There are sentries. Three near the entrance to the mine and an archer in the trees."

  She grinned. "I'll catch our archer friend if you want to give those three a surprise."

  "I can think of a few surprises," he replied with a low chuckle, glancing my way. "Good hunting."

  Holding her axe between her teeth, she stalked off in the direction of the trees.

  "They're sharing stories around a campfire," Ralof continued. "A bit of magic should give them a scare, and then it should be easy pickings."

  I nodded even as my stomach threatened to revolt.

  I was the one who made all this happen. I couldn't exactly pussy out now.

  Following after him, we were soon peering out of bushes teeming with red berries that smelled sweet and sour at the same time. Focusing on the bandits, it was like he said, two men and a woman.

  The stories they were sharing, the laughter, it all sounded very human. I suddenly remembered the spiders popping like overripe fruit. Would it do the same to them? Maybe I had a heart attack in my sleep?

  And if this wasn't a dream at all, could I—

  "Russ?" There was that name again. It wasn't even my name.

  Still, I put my best bloodthirsty smile forward. Skadi had given me more than a few good examples. "Just thinking of the best way to go about this."

  He seemed skeptical, but he didn't seem inclined to argue.

  I was still digesting everything that had been shoved into my head, but I didn't need to truly understand why it worked to do it. It didn't move as fast as actual lightning either, but it didn't need to. They weren't expecting it at all.

  There were curses and shouts, and while they didn't go pop like the spiders, I did see a hand being split almost in half when they tried to shield their eyes, cauterizing just as quickly as it formed.

  The woman quickly made a run for it inside the mine, but Ralof was ready for it, his axe sinking into the back of her skull with an awful sound after a throw. The Stormcloak was almost as much a killing machine as Skadi.

  "In the bushes!"

  They ran at him with their weapons drawn, and he only had a knife in his hands now. My heart was trying to pull a world record with how fast it was beating.

  Fuck it. Even if this wasn't a dream, these were bandits, right?

  I lashed out again, and again I felt myself being hollowed out. Still, it did much worse to the guy I hit in the back. It was like watching a trainwreck. I couldn't look away.

  It was really the chainmail he was wearing that fucked him over, the metal turning red hot. He started screaming as it literally cooked him alive, and when he tried to get it off with his hands, his skin sloughed off and he screamed even louder.

  Ralof took ruthless advantage to slit the throat of the last one, leaving the guy clutching at his throat as he drowned in his own blood.

  Wiping the blood off his knife with a cloth, Ralof glanced at the man I had killed and whistled. His skin had turned as black as charcoal.

  I heard footsteps loud enough that they could only be Skadi's, turning around to find her carrying someone on her shoulder, who she unceremoniously dropped on the ground next to us.

  It was a young girl, though seeing as she obviously wasn't human, maybe I was wrong about that. Her skin was the color of copper and her eyes a pitch black, even the shape of them alien. Also, her ears were pointy.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  Her black eyes glanced at the corpses all around her, and she licked her lips nervously, showing sharp teeth. "My cousin would be willing to make a trade for me," she ventured. "Syalleth Light-Fingers. Tell her you have Uurwaen and she will do it, I swear it."

  Skadi snorted. "I didn't spare your life to make a deal with bandit scum. We're going to root all of you out."

  "With only the three of you?" There was a slight sneer on her lips. "Antonius will turn you all to ash, and me along with you."

  A smile came to Skadi's lips. "You can begin with who this Antonius is."

  "A battlemage, a deserter from the Legion. Syalleth convinced him to join up with us. Keeps him happy."

  "The Empire keeps their battlemages under lock and key," Ralof commented doubtfully. "Such a deserter would have had the Imperials swarming into this mine faster than you could say his name."

  "It's true! He studied at the Imperial College."

  I was knocked out of my funk by a certain someone giving my shoulder a friendly? smack. "We have a mage as well."

  Right. I couldn't even blame anyone but myself here. After all, my genius self decided not to tell them shit.

  "I thought I was a madman," I snarked. It was more dignified than crying bitch tears.

  And if this was my second life, well, I might be seeing my third life real soon…

  "I have yet to find the difference." Skadi turned back on Uurwaen with a chuckle. "You'll be walking ahead of us. Let's hope you remember where all the traps are."

  I saw her give a jerky nod in response, only to make a face as Ralof retrieved his axe from where he left it. That being in someone's skull.

  "Worst comes to worst, an axe to the head seems to do the trick when it comes to battlemages." There was a dark smile on his lips that made me wonder if he was speaking from experience. Then he motioned at the mine. "After you."

  Uurwaen gracefully got back on her feet, though her footsteps were more nervous with Ralof breathing down her neck.

  I was about to follow when I saw Skadi making eyes at something, that being an axe almost as tall as me next to a blackened corpse. I never even noticed he had a weapon.

  "All yours?"

  She rolled her eyes. "It's your kill. You have to make a gift of it."

  I gave a sigh, picked it up with some effort, and offered it to her. "For you."

  While this one didn't look like a toy in her hand, she still twirled it without much difficulty. What surprised me was the kiss on the cheek.

  I watched her saunter into the mine after, happy as a bee. What a girl.

  The mine itself was unpleasantly damp, and the air was stale. The metallic veins crisscrossing across the walls were the only thing worth looking at, honestly.

  "Up ahead is where we've kept the miners when they aren't working," Uurwaen commented glumly.

  "You enslaved them?" Ralof asked.

  "Someone had to do the mining. We were on a schedule." She made an annoyed sound. "None of this was my idea. I told her this was too risky, and now there's talk of dragons. Black Borri swore he saw one as black as his hair flying in Helgen's direction yesterday, and now he's dead."

  "Oh, spare me," Skadi spat at her. "You stayed and continued preying upon these men."

  Uurwaen had nothing to say to that.

  We reached the makeshift prison not long after. There was just the one guard, and Skadi swept his head clean off his shoulders with her new axe in a second, the meaty sound of it rolling along the floor louder than it should have been.

  "By the Divines!" one of the men inside shouted hoarsely. "Please, free us! Has the jarl sent you?"

  He was all skin and bones, and I was suddenly reminded of the photographs taken at the concentration camps. I wasn't feeling all that guilty now.

  "How long has it been?" Ralof asked.

  "I… somewhere between thirty and fifty days, perhaps? We've been wasting away as they forced us to mine their damned iron."

  There was a loud clang as Skadi smashed through the lock, the men inside singing our praises as they shambled out.

  "Jarl Siddgeir knew we were here, so we've been holding out hope," the guy continued. "The one in charge, she's a nasty piece of work. Likes to play with her food. Offered Old Addvar his freedom, only to put an arrow through his throat."

  There was a sudden ruckus as Uurwaen decided that was her cue to try and make a run for it.

  Not that she got far before Skadi tackled her like a world-class linebacker, but she didn't need to as apparently their base of operations was right around the proverbial corner. There were at least seven of them there.

  "Always finding trouble, Uurwaen…"

  "I'll take her head right in front of you!" Skadi shouted back at her.

  I honestly didn't see that much family resemblance between her and Uurwaen, even if that probably wasn't what I should be focusing on right now.

  "You're a big bitch, aren't you?"

  My fingers twitched as she loosed an arrow, but Skadi didn't even flinch, using Uurwaen like a human (elf?) shield. Whatever the fuck her name was didn't seem too sad as her cousin screamed obscenities at them both, an arrow sticking out of her.

  She turned to the smirking man next to her instead. "Offer them our hospitality."

  My hands sparked dangerously, but I wasn't quick enough. An ungodly amount of fire had suddenly materialized, and again there was the sound of something breaking, but more than once this time.

  I screamed as I felt myself being charbroiled and turned into a human candle a dozen times over, but then I also made it behind cover feeling like my poor heart was about to give out. It hurt my head to think about it, so I didn't think about it.

  Ralof made it as well, an axe in one hand and a knife in the other. "Not a battlemage," he said with some good cheer.

  "...How can you tell?"

  "We're not in Sovngarde." I gave him a look but he just laughed. "He's all yours."

  I found out he wasn't joking the hard way when he suddenly vaulted over the rocks, laughing even louder as he tumbled under flames so hot I could feel them from here. Did I somehow find the two biggest lunatics in all of Skyrim?

  Maybe some of it had even rubbed off on me, or maybe it was the adrenaline, but I saw that the battlemage or whatever the fuck he was distracted and took my shot. It looked like it was even going to hit, but then he raised his hand and it washed over him harmlessly.

  I ducked again as he returned fire, the rocks I was hiding behind starting to get uncomfortably smoky. He's all yours. What a fucking joke.

  The Roy Mustang wannabe wasn't taking a breather either, and somehow I wasn't coming up with any bright ideas that didn't end with me getting roasted. But seeing as I was probably about to get roasted anyway, I just went with the best of a bad bunch.

  I was going to see if the best defense really was a good offense.

  Throwing myself to the side, I poured all my frustration into the only spell I knew. And while it did stop him trying to make barbecue out of me, he still just put his hand up again and fucking sneered at me like he was so much better.

  And maybe he was, but I was more spiteful. I kept at it even as I was hollowed out more and more. I lost feeling in my fingers first, but it didn't stop there, that emptiness creeping deeper and deeper.

  The color also bled out of the world, everything just shades of black and gray. Everything except him. Suddenly he was the only colorful thing in the room.

  No, that wasn't true. The others were also colorful, but none of them were as colorful as him.

  I felt like I hadn't eaten in years. I was so empty, and so hungry.

  He also looked fucking terrified, and suddenly he threw some color at me. What could I do but open my mouth wide?

  It was… divine. The sweetest thing I ever tasted, though my realization only seemed to terrify him further.

  Actually, what the fuck was going on? What the fuck was I even eating here? Magic? Magicka?

  I was reminded of those Skittles commercials. Taste the rainbow.

  The more I ate, the more I felt alive. I could breathe again, though I didn't know when I actually stopped breathing in the first place.

  I still didn't feel great, but he had stopped feeding me the rainbow, so I reached into my pocket. I almost ate the entire fucking potion, glass and all, but some shred of common sense prevailed and I just drank its contents instead.

  The taste of glue and blue raspberry never tasted so good. I also noticed another flavor. Soap.

  Also, Anthony or Anton or whatever his name was wasn't sneering anymore. If anything, he was trying to get himself as far away as he could without taking his eyes off me, his back literally against the wall.

  It felt good, but I had to ask. Just what the fuck had he seen?