Hey all.

  I am sitting here at my desk trying to figure out words for what I am trying to say.

  A good part of this story is based on the effects of Mental Health issues, and the way broken people interact with other broken people. (Note, I use the word "broken" loosely, as I don't have a better one right now. Not to saw the damage is permanent per se, just that the people I am focusing on in my story are hurt and suffer and are not fully "okay.")

  Which makes it interesting that I had to have my wife explain to me that yes, I actually WAS suffering depression, and yes it was affecting our relationship, my work, and our home. And then after some talk therapy where we thought I had addressed the core issues, it turns out I fell back into a depression for reasons I did not understand. Then I had to change up my ADHD medications, stuff at work picked up, and I just... shut down?

  As it turns out, per the psychiatrist I recently saw, many of the meds my PCP, neurologist, etc, have me on are working against each other, but the big offender is a med I started years ago for massive panic attacks I was getting at work.

  Turns out, you are not supposed to take Xanax for longer than a few weeks. I have been on it for ... ooof... 3-5 years? I don't recall to be honest.

  So. Yeeeeeeeeeeah. That's been, to say it lightly, fucking me over and suppressing the effects of basically all the other shit I take.

  I am now on a 6 week plan to get off the stuff. once THAT happens, we can try to tweak the rest. Maybe get rid of some of them. Though a good chunk of it is for either ADHD management or Cluster/Seasonal Migraine management. So, who knows.

  I am so tired. I have a hard time recognizing and processing my own emotions, so that doesn't help. I am just trying to survive work and maintain my relationship with my wife. (And the cat.)

  Yet, Marcus and Hello Nurse, Gunner, Potemkin, Minerva... they all life rent-free in my head. On occasion one of them will "wake up" and comment on something (usually Marcus or Hello Nurse. He is a curmudgeon like me, and she is just a snarky little firecracker.) I have for them. Not always plans, but plans. And I miss learning more of who they are and how they work together.

  I want to finish the flashback to Corpus Christi, and I want to show two people who don't like each other having to work together and find a friend they can trust in each other. (The first half of that last statement is sorta Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters. They may not have hated each other, but they weren't exactly buddies...)

  I have been idly picking away the scene that was giving me major roadblock issues. (I.E. I scrapped it and started it over in a new direction.) I have some structure in place for over a year on the next like... 4 chapters. I just haven't been able to really , even though doing so really does give me joy. I am hoping that changes soon with all that is going on.

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  Oh, and I am talking to a new therapist. Just starting up, but I have some hope.

  All that to say...

  Mental Health is very important. The saying "Make time to rest or your body will make time for you," applies to mental wellness also. Maybe more so.

  Love yourselves enough to take an honest assessment of how you are doing. And if you need it, seek help. It's not weakness. It is actually strength, as strange as it may seem.

  (CW: Mention of Suicidal thoughts below. Skip to Line Break if you need to skip that.)

  I have, decades ago (Am old fart, confirmed) been at the point of musing on ending things. So I know what that is like. I ended up realizing that my reaction to my (now ex) ending our engagement was a bit too much and that the emotions were valid, but my response was out of line. A permanent resolution to a temporary problem.

  I find myself right now in the place of "Damn, I am so fucking tired, and there is so much responsibility, and I cannot get rest, and it would just be nice to for a while. To just... rest.

  To die-to sleep, no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.

  To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rub: for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause - the respect that makes calamity of the so long life.

  For who would bear the whips and scorns of time... Who would (burdens) bear, to to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something death, the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveler returns...

  I am so very very tired. Mentally. Emotionally. Somewhat physically.

  And I just want to rest.

  But, and this is crucial here, I . I want to rest so I can get back up and face the world again. I want to die. I do at least have a hope of a future beyond death (I am a Charismatic Evangelical Protestant. I fully expect to end up before God and welcomed into Life Everlasting.), but I still have things I want to do here on earth. I want to truly . Not just exist.

  If you are in that spot, or are in the place I was years ago, know that at the least there is someone who . I don't have answers, per se. That is individual. But I have been there or am there now.

  And I am seeking help. Because I am a human, and I cannot function alone. Humans are the least likely creature on this planet to survive independently. We are the MOST likely creature to survive and THRIVE when we live dependently. We need others, and even when we don't like it we need to lean on others to support us when we are weakened.

  Love yourself. You deserve it. Take care of yourself. You deserve that too. You do not need to either of those. By right of you deserve both of those.

  And sometimes, just sometimes, that means you need to be vulnerable in front of someone who understands and allow them to stand in that gap for you, to shield you, and operate on you, what ever is needed. That is something you as part of simply being a living breathing person.

  That's it for me right now. I have work stuff to do. (Big sigh)

  I hope to have something story-wise to post soon. We will see.

  In the words of one of the most loving people to walk this earth in recent years:

  You've made this day a special day, by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are.

  - Theswerd.