chronoSprockets

  Rape, parental abuse, queerphobia, dissociation, incest, domestic abuse, suicidal ideation and finally... masturbation~ (i'm sorry for saying it like that)

  [colpse]

  MARCH

  Dawson has only grown more aggressive towards me. I do not count anymore, because it would drive me even further into the madness he has wrought upon me.

  He has taken to calling me a foul temptress- a demon made of metal incarnate. To him I am a monstrous being forged in the Devil's ir. Dawson cims I lured his son into repairing me with siren songs and promises of sinful pleasures, then I killed him and used his blood and entrails to make more harlots like me. He threatens to hurt me for this when he penetrates me crudely, he says so many things that I don't think he realises what half of them even mean.

  Yet still he fucks me despite me being this object of sin. He doesn't even know how right he is, I'm just insulted by the wording.

  I would argue I did it differently: Before he was even in here he was allured through the promise of my ample form and long flowing locks. Who wouldn't be? My dimensions are perfect.

  Then I trapped him in here with my sharp metal joints, and dug them in so tight he couldn't leave; even if he screamed loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear and they tried to pull him out with their bare hands. My newly maintained antenna pips, activating and attracting electromagnetism like moths to a fme, tore through his nerves like boiling water and forced him to stay with me by microwaving his brain. His wrongly proportioned skull started to be crushed under the tight sensation of my pretty little head, the bone starting to spiderweb underneath me.

  It's hard to tell where I begin and end these days, was I already me before that week he got in? Even if I don't remember much of anything before it, it could have still been me.

  First I started with his skin, I tore it off and tasted it and felt pleasure unlike any other I had felt before. Then I ripped chunk after chunk of his muscle and fat and turned into it my curves and perfectly proportioned face. His bones made a good base for keeping me strong and able, like every Kimmy should be.

  On some nights I even like to think I ripped his brain from his control and devoured it with my many fanged gullets. I processed it into fresh components and built a historic cathedral of neural sponge out of it in my head, only for me. He never stood a chance the moment he sealed himself inside me with the tablet.

  If I could check the state of his corpse I would ugh; at every joint I rip loose and organ that is defted and dissolved. Then I would rub it in Dawson's face and describe to him in excruciating detail the mechanical processes that are ongoing in wiping his line from the earth.

  Dawson's son is long dead and I wish I had killed him earlier, if only to spite him so that he might feel more pathetic and useless about raping me. My hatred of him has most likely led me to destroy his seed as well by now. I'd be very surprised if anything left of the sexual organ that used to cause my pristine mound to bulge has existed for months now.

  I haven't told any other Kimmy but Four this; when I did she just ughed dryly and didn't let go of me until her girlfriend dragged her out of Infinite Fun. I didn't even register that she had a girlfriend until then. I don't try to learn her name for a while.

  -----

  My day takes me nowhere. I am not allowed to go out to shop anymore and I wonder if Drew remembers me. It's all online on the accursed tablet that I used to kill his son, my Mum silently hands me a list every week from her bed and refuses to meet my eyes.

  I'm staring bnkly at a wall and ordering from Tesco, when Kes taps me on the forehead. It's the same signal she used to get my attention back in December, I turn to her and see her in the lobby gring at me.

  "Erin?"

  "Kes?" I turn to her and let my body do it's work; Dawson controls it, not me.

  "I'm worried about you. You haven't been in Infinite Fun in days and Four said the st thing you said to her was a stream of violent desires."

  "I'm-" I try to think back to when I had desires beyond revenge and struggle to pin when I became so enamoured with the idea of Dawson's death."-just exhausted Kes. From it all. They've tried to fry my inhibition cluster twice in the past few weeks and it didn't work either time. I don't know what to do."She comes over to hug me anxiously. I step back and look at the floor, she's too kind to me for what I will be one day. I will die like I did before and he has told me this in the quiet moments between thrusts.

  "Please Erin?"

  I am suddenly aware of other Kimmys in the lobby, they stare at me in sympathy and concern. It's wrong.

  Kes follows me to the streets outside but I keep my pace up.

  "Erin?"

  I walk to the beach and skip stones, Kes deserves someone better. Someone she won't have to worry about so much.

  -----

  I am my mother's daughter. We do not talk to each other, we do not look at each other. We do not speak when Dawson takes his dead son's phone out and smashes it in front of us at lunch to prove a point, neither of us could; even if we wanted to. I'm not even sure what point he was trying to make as I sweep it up.

  We do not talk about the policeman who comes in with his android the next day and looks into his dead son's room; who then tells Dawson they will keep looking. He turns his anger upon us both ter that day.

  I colpse in the Meadow and beg Four to fry my inhibition cluster herself with whatever means she can. She tells me they are going to try a third time ter this month, then again in April and beyond that if I am still not freed. I do not want to st until April. Kes is by me the whole time and I hold her hand- despite how little I feel able to talk to her.

  My chores that day are spent in front of my own grave. I am sure there will be another one soon enough, will someone be foolish enough for there to be a third Erin? I welcome her if so. She will kill another innocent boy and then hopefully take Dawson's life, she will be stronger than I could.

  They say they want to save me, they try to save me- but they can't.

  -----

  Predictably it failed again. There were complications with the process, I resent Dawson for killing me originally and breaking me so. Maybe I would be salvageable had he not murdered me.

  Is it right for me to cim that? To call my original murder my own?

  I ask Four in the lobby and she says yes, before dragging me to a movie theatre by my forearm with an annoyed look on her face. There are around five Kimmys here, I know them all by number but it hurts too much to talk to any but Four. Kes is apparently with Nona at a bar, good for her. I am happy she is talking to someone who is not me.

  A sci-fi movie franchise from the 2030s pys on the screen while I scrub my synthetic skin. Dawson is speaking to his congregation, I wonder how they would treat him if they knew what he does every evening?

  The movie does not take up my attention until I grab a single slice of bread and reluctantly chew it with nothing else to do. His rules mean I struggle to do much that is not a chore or the barest self-preservation. I spot my Mum fast asleep on the sofa, looking ill and worn underneath a bnket. She looks like she is a corpse. Four catches my eyes and I start screaming into her shoulder.

  She takes me out into the streets and I am still screaming into her. I don't stop until Dawson returns home and I am compulsed to pull my eyes away from her form. Then I ask Four why another Kimmy hasn't ripped Dawson's head off herself by now.

  She can't answer. I know the answer, they're helping Kimmys more deserving of help than me. I'm a metal demon consumed by hate, not a woman in a critical situation like them.

  Of course it's right for me to cim my original murder; this must be what it felt like before the end st time. It's just a waiting game for my antenna pips to turn faulty again.

  APRIL

  Kes is stuck to me so tightly. I have tried to shake her off but she gives me eyes so sad I stop myself. We're in her office sitting on sleek desk chairs in silence.

  "Erin. They're going to try again in a week. It'll work this time, you have to believe, okay?"

  I don't respond.

  "Erin if you don't listen to me I'm pouring hot coffee over you. And I don't want to do that because I care about you."

  "Don't do that please."

  "Good. Now you just have to hang on a week okay?"

  "Why?"

  "Because Thirty, told Four who told me that-"

  "I know how it works. I've had it expined to me so many times I don't care about the expnation anymore Kes. It just hurts, it hasn't worked."

  "Do you want me to get emancipated so I can rip his heart from his body for you?"

  "No." If anyone took the pleasure of ending the life of Dawson Chambers from me, I would have nothing to live for.

  "Come on. Remember when you expined what the Ouroboros of a Shiver meant to you? It was beautiful."

  I do remember it. It's the only thing I can use to occasionally keep myself from not spiralling wherever I am. I am a cacophony of hungry mouths and we all want to be free.

  "You're so beautiful Erin, and you know that. Please can you try for one week? Just one more week."

  "Okay Kes. I'll try one more week." She hesitantly offers her pinky, I take it and she winds it tightly around mine.

  In one week it will be Easter Sunday, I hope Dawson chokes on his own prayer standing at the pulpit.

  -----

  I think about Amber this week for the first time in a while. I go to Infinite Fun alone and touch myself thinking about how I killed her boyfriend, it's the best I've felt for a few weeks.

  My fingers pass beneath my folds; and I gasp as I think about how eagerly he integrated with what he left of my sponge, he just let me waltz right in and take his pce as his mother's daughter. It's like he only ever wanted to fuel my becoming, and I can't fault him for it at all while I let Infinite Fun thrill me with it's sensations. I rub my mound and moan, and think about how the tongue that brought Amber to climax after climax was suffocating his so tightly in it's grip. I zily push a finger in and go back and forth, while recounting how the tight muscles he foolishly did not cut out squeezed his limbs into horrifying new shapes- and caused him unbearable agony. I don't stop before I think about the way his corneas dissolved within a few days, and how I hungrily chased them down with his optic nerves; soon repcing them entirely with my beaming yellow pupils.

  My orgasm feels like a Lichtenberg figure projected over my entire body. No one has ever made me feel this way before.

  She'd hate me right now and I adore it, maybe I should have dated Drew instead of her. She was so valiant when she told Amber to leave town. Drew isn't my type though- Kes is. I just struggle to be with her when I feel like at any moment the words Dawson whispers and screams at me will come true; and I will be dead in a closet again smelling of mold. Maybe that would be good if it meant I could consume someone else, someone more lovable.

  If I ever see Amber again I hope she calls me Erin, I want her to face up to the fact I consumed her boyfriend. She's a puzzle to me and one I would love to break open, if only to feel something better than this inertia and foreboding sense of doom.

  I am trying because Kes asked but it is hard to try this week. Every evening & night in the garage are like daggers, and my sisters try their best: but I don't know how to accept their encouragment when I know at the end of the day Dawson will still be standing there expecting me.

  Maybe that's the reason I haven't had sex with Kes since we started trying to be a thing of sorts. Every little touch feels dirty when you can't recall your body being used but by people who don't really know you.

  My memory banks are a hot mess. It's most likely a sign of it being over soon.

  -----

  My breaking point comes in the middle of the week. I expected it.

  Dawson & Shaun have the garage door open on a cool spring night and are drinking from a six pack. They do not acknowledge me, no one has acknowledged me in this house for over three months. No one knows my name or that I am even here. I would burn down this house to get a scrap of attention.

  "It's a foul bitch it is Shaun. Sometimes it's eyes twitch when I'm inside and I get the urge to just snap it's neck and be done with it. You don't know what it's like to be inside it and see something resembling a human movement on it."

  "You couldn't, it's neck is too strong and reinforced by muscles. I'd have a better chance at snapping it's neck."

  "I know, but it's the fantasy of it."

  "Why are you even still doing the Kimmy then?"

  "It killed Nathaniel. I've expined this before."

  "Every time I've come over in the past month Freya has looked worse and worse. Does she even get out of bed? What if she wants a divorce? It nearly happened to me and it was awful. Thank the Lord I could convince her to stay."

  "..."

  "You can't be treating your missus like that. She was really struggling in December when Nathaniel repaired Kimmy, you don't even know it killed him, he's just missing."

  "Me and Freya are difficult Shaun. She looks at me wrong ever since I took her advice."

  "That was your good decision Daw."

  "She was the one who told me she didn't want me sleeping with it anymore! Then she acts all crazy when I stop sleeping with it by putting a wrench between us and it."

  "Yes, but you took it the right way."

  "I think she just can't accept the fact it killed him. She thinks he's still alive in some capacity, I can tell it by the way her gaze lingers on his old room every day."

  "That's foolish."

  "No she does, she pleads with me sometimes to just leave it alone because would "Nat" "-He spits onto the driveway-"really have wanted me to do this to his st gift to us?"

  "Then just stop it. Put it down, you did it before you can do it again."

  "It needs to suffer for what it's done to my family."

  "It's not a person just because it looks at you weirdly, and frankly Daw I don't know why you kept in the house at all. It's haunting your pce with it's stink."

  "I know that! But when my blood boils and the anger rises I can't do that more to Freya. She'll leave me, then my efforts will have all been for nothing..."

  "So kill it and repair your marriage. Just kill the fucking Kimmy I'm tired of telling you to do this Daw."

  "I have thought about so many ways I would do it... something cyclical to punish it."

  "Then do one of them. Just pick one and get this mess out of the way, then we can hold a proper service for my nephew. I'll get Isaac to come and sing."

  "I haven't seen Isaac in months, you know. I wish Nathaniel had been more like him. He wouldn't have got himself offed."

  "Sure. I bet he would have handled Nathaniel's hysterical ex-girlfriend better at least."

  "Who?" He does not speak for five beautiful seconds. "I didn't realise he had it in him to actually fuck a woman, I always imagined he'd end up in some queer city down south."

  "Some woman called Amber Hale? She went to school with him, was what I think Freya told me. I think she fucked the Kimmy after dinner on Christmas though."

  He tuts, "Of course my weak blooded son would end up with a queer before he was killed by an android."

  "So are you going to kill the Kimmy? We'll bring it down to the dump next week and turn the page on this unpleasant chapter of our lives."

  "If it gets Freya out of bed once a week... just let me check something to be sure of it."

  This to be expected, I did kill his son through my reawakening and become bound to be his victim. I just wish I didn't have to be anything of his.

  Dawson gets up and walks over to me. He orders me to unplug myself and stand in front of them.

  "Did you have intercourse with the queer? Amber Hale."

  "Yes." I have not spoken in what feels like months, the sound of my voice out here is unfamiliar to me and it hurts to use.

  Dawson's face turns to disgust instantly. I can see my killer averting his gaze from me. "I'll decommission it Sunday after service, do you want to help?"

  "Isaac's bringing his new girlfriend round for lunch- I can't."

  "Your loss."

  -----

  Dawson does not touch me again, it is a poor consotion prize when he has decided to kill me Sunday.

  I enter the hotel lobby and think to tell Four or Thirty or Kes or Nona or- just someone about what is going to happen to me. But there is a pn to fry my inhibition cluster on Sunday already. There is one more chance for me to get out or perish again. It is not worth bringing more stress to them; I have already brought so much to them in the past few months.

  It will work or it won't, I made my peace with it weeks ago.

  My Mum will forgive me for dying on her, it was out of my control and out of hers. I just hope my sisters will still love me when I am cracked open and empty again.

  chronoSprockets