Note from publisher: This document was recovered alongside the arrest of the main perpetrators of the “TerranBuddy” criminal organization, who were later found guilty of trafficking several thousand sapient members of the “Terran” species. It seems to be a guide for any prospective buyers of a Terrain on their care and maintenance.
The publisher would like to remind all Ghirlinn citizens that no matter how ‘cute’ the Terrans are, kidnapping a person of any species is illegal, and can be punished with up to thousands of years of altered reality imprisonment. Just because the Terrans are not as technologically advanced as we are doesn’t mean they should be treated with any less respect.
Please stop adopting and kidnapping Terrans, and for adoption specifically, get prior consent from the Terrans in question.
Signed: Janirlin Eagiral - Ghirlinn diplomat to the Terran Conclave.
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How to care for your Terran.
Thank you prospective buyer, for your interest in the hottest new craze sweeping Ghirlinn space: Terrans! A full catalogue of the specimens we have to offer has already been provided to you along with this document! Before purchasing any Terran, all prospective buyers should read this guide and give proper thought to whether they have the right lifestyle and personality to take care of the adorable primates!
Please note that any indication of mistreatment or irresponsible care of your Terran will result in consequences. We here at TerranBuddy have a reputation for ensuring each Terran will live happy, enriching lives when taken care of by their new owners, and we expect you, as a fine customer of TerranBuddy products, to do the same!
Again, we thank you for your consideration, and hope this document is informational in your decision to purchase your very own Terran.
What is “A Terran”.
Apart from the biggest thing to hit Ghirlinn space? Terrans are actually three different completely different grouping of species, which are broadly designated into:
Humans: The adorable huggable little primates you’ve seen videos of, and the ones you care about. Omnivore bipedal primates with a propensity for chaos.
Uplifts: Humans throughout their history have accepted various ‘companion animals’ into their lives. Once they discovered rudimentary genetic engineering, they gave these animals a level of sapience.
AI: Humans also have created their own Artificial/Digital sapience, and managed to avoid the common pitfalls that result in an AI uprising. Even more shockingly they live with their creations as equals, both sides happily cohabitating within the same spaces and governmental structure!
You read that right. Humans both made friends with everything they could find on their home planet, then bonded with them so hard they considered themselves the one and the same. Yes, it is as cute as it sounds.
Terrans come from the [Milky Way] part of the supercluster, and are a Class B civilization with basic FTL, who have managed to befriend a large section of their local galaxy. While they are a major player in their own bubble, they lack major technologies when compared to the Ghirlinn, so keep this in mind.
TerranBuddy Top Tip! Don’t suggest the other two types of Terran are lesser or not equal to the original creators: Otherwise your Terran will get sad!
Caring for your Terran
Terrans are both easy to care for and require a lot of effort to keep healthy and happy. Physically, your Terran is a hardy fellow, able to thrive in temperatures and climates as varied as the planet they originate from. While they are the most comfortable around [20 degrees], they can survive or even thrive at a range of [-40 to 40 degrees], in a large variety of environments. Many Terrans will even be happier if you give them a less than ideal environment to reside in, because they like the challenge.
Yes it’s adorable, don’t worry too much about it, Terrans love to place themselves in ‘danger’. The excitement of not dying is something many Terrans enjoy. Providing them safe ways to nearly die can be a great bonding experience with your Terran, such as:
- Allowing them to trek/hike/explore through dangerous territory.
- Engaging in the consumption of certain poisons (Capsaicin and Alcohol in particular)
- Bounty hunting pirate vessels. Avoid using any technology of class A or higher to avoid ‘solving the problem’: Your Terran should feel like an active part of apprehending the target.
Feeding your Terran is simple, as most edible items are Terran safe (Please see full list of non-Terran safe food items in Appendix A.), and the primates will benefit if you’re able to provide them with a large range of different diet items. The little guys really enjoy sugar and caffeine, however care should be taken not to overfeed your Terran with such items: Yes, their expressive eyes will demand you give them more treats, but overfeeding or poor diet can cause health issues for your new buddy!
Terrans also love things that are soft. Pillows, cushions, items to snuggle into and wrap themselves in. Be sure to keep a wide variety of different comforting objects scattered about their environment, and allow them to explore and display their personality at their own pace!
TerranBuddy Top Tip! Most Terrans require various body coverings for their own mental health, regardless of the comfort of the environment. Do not be alarmed if they refuse to remove these pelts: It isn’t a sign that their enclosure is incorrectly configured, but rather normal Terran behaviour.
Keeping your Terran happy!
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
This is where the difficulty of maintaining your Terran may appear. The primates are not a low maintenance companion, and require a significant amount of effort and time to keep happy and mentally stimulated.
Terrans are, as a rule, social animals, with extended periods of isolation being harmful to their health. If your schedule doesn't permit you regular interaction with your charge, we suggest you select a minimum of two Terrans from our catalogue. (TerranBuddy takes no responsibility for damage caused by unsupervised Terrans, purchases of more than one Terran should be part of a plan to ensure proper supervision of your charges).
If that is not feasible, then Terrans will bond with practically any lifeforms that aren't trying to kill them (and often even ones that are). In a pinch, providing them with a selection of “googly eyes” (purchasable from the TerranBuddy store) and objects to stick them to can provide temporary companionship.
TerranBuddy Top tip! Your Terran will give your various inanimate objects cute little names, often crude puns or the name of the object itself slightly modified in a cute way! Be sure to treat these items with extra respect!
However, even when given proper social interaction, the main number one rule is: Never let your Terran get bored. Terrans are high maintenance companions, highly intelligent and curious about everything. If you leave them mentally unstimulated for long periods of time, they will find their own stimulation.
This means you will arrive home to find your entire kitchen disassembled, even if you didn't give them any tools (they will make their own). While these hijinks sound (and frankly are) adorable, living with them can be disruptive or even dangerous. Unattended and under-stimulated Terrans can be deadly.
The little primates, while lacking the technological knowledge to build or even understand most of our technology, have an annoying knack for getting things working ‘just enough’ through extensive pattern recognition and willingness to hit buttons until things go. While good owners will use these abilities to provide their Terrans with various puzzle boxes in order to access treats, if left unattended this can cause your Terran to gain access to technologies they don’t quite understand.
The following incidents have been noted in the last three months:
- One Terran managed to warp their owners' vessel into the local government’s central administration. Yes, we know that’s impossible due to the safety features. No, we don't know how they did it.
- Rigging up a creation engine to create an infinite amount of peanut butter.
- Causing a previously undiscovered reaction between the creation engine and a causality editor to erase “themselves, their owner, and the entire vessel they were on” out of reality. Again, we're not sure how they did this, or even where/when this customer is at the moment.
- Opening up a Xaeal device, exposing themselves to the core within. Luckily the three kinds of cancer this gave the Terran were curable.
TerranBuddy Top Tip! Terrans have exceptional stamina, so provide them with plenty of opportunities to exercise and burn off that energy!
Entertaining your Terran
Luckily, Terrans are exceptionally easy to keep stimulated with a little bit of effort, as they are innately curious creatures, meaning you simply need to provide them with new experiences. 76% of our Terran catalogue ended up wandering onto our transport vessels willingly, and have not yet realised the actual status of their situation (For such Terrans, please avoid using words like ‘‘trafficked’, ‘captured’, ‘owned’. Instead, they are ‘guests’, ‘tourists’ and ‘diplomats’)
You can offer your Terran an entire universe of wonders that they cannot find in their home galaxy. The most mundane things are considered amazing and exciting, as long as it's new to them. Terrans, when given new items, should be supervised heavily. Although providing new items into their environment is healthy, it's super important to ensure they don’t try to use unfamiliar technology without direct instruction.
Terrans also love being helpful, so providing your Terran with a job to accomplish will provide your buddy with a level of self-satisfaction. Something that's mildly complicated, but easily automated such as systemwide ship navigation or warp engine maintenance. Make it clear that this job is of importance even though it isn’t, that you’re ‘depending’ on the Terran to do this task.
TerranBuddy Top Tip! Terrans are still working on an understanding of the universe where causality of actions and mass can only occupy one moment in time and space, so be careful showing them anything that breaches this understanding of three-dimensional space. Gradually introduce them to ‘impossible’ concepts to avoid causing mental trauma!
Do’s and Don’t with your Terran!
DON’T worry too much. Terrans will often hum, sing, or talk to themselves. They will also often say ‘ow’ even when not hurt. This is perfectly normal behaviour and not a sign of mental trauma.
DON’T post pictures of them on social media. Remember, this is still illegal, no matter how much you want to show off your cute adorable little buddy to the world.
DO bond with your Terran. It might come in handy, as Terrans will pack bond with anything, and in a pinch your Terran might even lie to the authorities for you if you get caught with one.
DON’T try to force a Terran to do something. Terrans are very stubborn, and will very specifically do the complete opposite to what you want them to do, just because you told them they had to do it. Reverse psychology is often the best way forwards, unless they realise that’s what you’re doing.
DO be ready to adopt any wild animals that a Terran may find, regardless of how dangerous the animals might be. “Can we keep it please” is a key indicator that you’re about to get a new pet.
DON’T give them access to fire. For some reason Terrans really like setting stuff on fire, and will set stuff on fire regardless of safety to the local environment.
DO be willing to go where the Terran’s interest take you, letting them take the lead on your activities is a great way to get them involved in solving their own boredom. Sometimes this is going to be visiting mountains or other peaceful scenery, sometimes this is going to be aiding in a revolution against an authoritarian government.
DON’T leave more than one Terran together alone for extended periods of time, especially if they have realised the reality of the ‘trafficking Terrans’ situation. Terran chaos and affinity for “getting bored and doing stuff’ increases exponentially with each Terran within a group. Having 5 or more together is the same risk as having an unstable anti-matter bomb sat next to the warp engine.
DO be sure to buy plenty of Terran approved items from the TerranBuddy store! Everything from Roomba's to caffeinated snacks can be purchased from our stores!
As a final reminder, if you choose to purchase your very own Terran companion, be sure to contact our 35/9 around the clock support team for any issues or emergencies!
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Publishers note: The TerranBuddy criminal organization was eventually dismantled and apprehended after a group of Terrans broke out of storage, and then rigged up an improvised explosive that broke the ship’s causality stabilizer. This shattered ripple in time was quickly noticed by the Ghirlinn government resulting in several hundred arrests of both the organization’s members and customers (Although the latter has been hindered by a number of the purchased Terrans in question often refusing to testify or ‘snitch’ against their now Ghirlinn friend.)
All recovered Terrans were offered free transport back to their home galaxy, with an acceptance rate of 43%. We are keeping an eye on those who remained to ensure the safety of both them, and the people they interact with.
Thanks to Yargle, Knebb, AcceptableEgg and AsciiSquid for proofreading this!
- If Jan Eagles and Janirlin Eagiral meet, will the resulting stress black-hole tear a hole through space and time?
- Just how bad is giving a Terran access to god like sciences?
- How much sugar and caffeine can you give to the cute little primates until it becomes a problem?
Find out all this and more… NEXT TIME!
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