Originally Published on 54 PST (Post Stasis time) by Hatil Author “Brian H Thompson”
Chapter 12: Pirates kinda suck.
We're deep enough into this biography to talk about the reason you all purchased this book, my publisher surely happy enough that we’re deep enough into the pages of this tome, to finally talk about the main reason I’m ‘famous’.
I've discussed my entry into the world of trade and being a merchant captain, of working with the Terrans and other Terran Alliance members. I've gone over my rise within the official Hatil Merchants guild and dealing with our new place in the universe after our failed war of shame against the Terrans.
I have gone over my highest points on this journey, now it is time to go over my lowest.
We all know what happened, but let me reiterate it for anyone who is living under the proverbial rock. At [44 PST, July the 1st] I, Brian Thompson, along with two other Hatil Merchant admirals; James Braverall and Clare Willsburg, were kidnapped by the Kiraba pirates, and held to ransom.
Such a statement doesn't reflect the reality of such an undertaking, of the sheer logistical difficulty of what the pirates managed. By this point I was a high ranking member of the Hatil merchant fleet, owning and leading over 50 vessels, travelling all around the galaxy between the Terran Alliance members and other friendly governments. I knew what I was worth, and I even had a personal FTL capable vessel to prove it, with all the security features money could buy to allow one to safely travel around the galaxy.
Which was why I was very confused when I got knocked out of warp, and was even more confused when I found out I was being boarded by pirates. It should be noted just how unlikely and difficult their interception was. Space is big. The chance of hitting another specific ship, unless you know their exact position, is roughly the same chance as winning the lottery 100 times in a row.
In addition, when alone I only travel via hyperlanes for security reasons. This means any such ambushers hanging around such a busy location, deep in the middle of Terran Alliance space, ‘waiting’ for the right person, are more likely to run into giant well armed convoys or military movements instead of their intended target.
In addition, my vessel was designed to be discreet and difficult to track, since I knew by this point I was a possible ransom target. Of course, I’d later find out that none of this mattered, as my travel plan had been ‘sold’ to the Kiraba pirates by Terran port control officer ‘Andrew Williams’. Last time I checked, he was still in prison for a very long time for his part in the kidnapping of the three Hatil captains.
In addition the Kiraba were professionals, in the worst kind of way, efficient at what they did when facing such underwhelming resistance such as mine. This meant when my vessel was jolted out of warp, in the 105 seconds it took for me to realize what had happened, and to understand that this might be a problem I had to deal with, a pirate was already pointing a shotgun at my face and screaming instructions. To answer the most asked question: of the three different Hatil captains captured, why did none of us trigger our emergency alert beacons? The simple answer is none of us had the time to do so.
Then started my imprisonment. I give the Kiraba pirate hotel a zero out of five stars: I do not recommend, would not plan to be ransomed by them again. In between the exceptionally rude staff, lack of facilities, dreadful food and horrific conditions, I would encourage all travelers to avoid staying with the Kiraba pirates.
Joking aside, of the three phases of the incident, the being taken prisoner part was my least favourite. Older ship captains might be confused at this, as the Kiraba pirates are well known for being ‘professional’ about their job. They know that harming, injuring or mistreating their ransoms can have major implications, either a lack of willingness for other such future commercial opportunities to surrender, or various government and family members looking for revenge.
The most profitable part of organized crime is being organized, professional enough as to not attract too much attention and civilized enough as to let others know they can work with you, even if you are criminals.
Unfortunately for me and the other two Hatil captains, the criminal organization recently had had a change in leadership. While the pirates are multi-species, they have always been led by the Gzit’ch family. When their previous leader died of natural circumstances (This is not a gangster euphemism, they seemingly did go peacefully in their sleep), their youngest son Jzarl’tch naturally took over. ‘Naturally’ since his other three siblings had all been killed during the violent fight for control over the pirate group.
This left a new, young leader wanting to make his mark upon the business, and universe as a whole. He wanted to show he was tough, cruel, and not to be messed with. Which was demonstrated via the general beatings and other such terrible conditions the trio of us were subjected to. I would later learn that this willingness to cement his position as head of the Kiraba pirates was why he’d orchestrated this plot.
Ever since the war of shame between our old government and the Terrans, the Hatil don’t really have a military. After our terrible mistake of trying to wage a war of destruction against our now allies, the Hatil government would have much rather let the conquering Terrans actually do some ‘conquering’ and be in charge of our militaries, or even the government as a whole.
Sadly, the Terrans did not take up the mantle of their rightful position as rulers, meaning the Hatil are entirely responsible for their own military and their own security, but with no desire to own a military force outside of the bare minimum that is strictly necessary. In addition, the increased focus on reversing the overall isolation of our species, as well as the technological increases the Terrans brought, caused something of an economic boom.
In short, kidnapping three high ranking merchant captains such as myself, was taking a high value, low security ransom, that would be well known enough to make a name for Jzarl’tch as the new leader of the Kiraba pirates.
It would have worked as well, if it wasn’t for two mistakes made.
The first was he chose me as one of the victims.
By this point in the book, you have no doubt realized I'm not some kind of special forces ‘John Wick’ character. The only fight I've ever been in was catching a stray punch not meant for me at a bar, yes, the same fight in chapter 3. But the Terran public knew of me.
As I've explained before, the Hatil are cute and teddy bear-like, and I am no exception. This fact combined with my close proximity to Terrans when I hired them for my crew had the natural result of a video of me interacting with them during a drunken celebration going viral. While you have read of this incident earlier in this book, it bears repeating that it was a minor, if embarrassing, event at the time. However when the Kiraba pirates released the ransom demand video to the Hatil government, a random Terran realized the connection between the two videos, and spread the information online.
And the entire species went crazy.
Their media focused on my story for the whole month I was imprisoned, the safety of myself and my two fellow prisoners becoming a cultural issue as the entire species rallied behind rescuing ‘the cute little aliens’. Looking back at the mountains of news articles and content spread during this frenzy, it’s surprising how quickly the entire thing spread, and how fast the demands for action appeared from the Terran public at large.
While the Hatil are close allies to the Terrans, we aren’t the kind of people to inconvenience them, and they aren’t the kind of people to interrupt and take over the areas of sovereignty or governance of another species. The public outcry forced each of their paws; however, the idea that the very extensive Terran military should be doing something became impossible for either side to ignore.
Yes, Jzarl’tch’s first mistake was to kidnap me and make that information public, but it wasn’t his biggest mistake. In another universe, the Hatil government would have eventually paid the ransom and the three of us would have returned home safe and sound. In a slightly different universe, the Terran military would have eventually rescued us, and everything would have gone back to normal, albeit slightly embarrassingly for the pirates.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
But Jzarl’tch made a second, far more critical error.
I remember when the Terrans came to rescue us, mostly because it was so surprising. There were no alarms, no explosions or shouting, no shooting or dramatic action scenes as the Terrans approached our prison to rescue us. No, the first time anyone on the ship realized there was a prison breakout happening was when a maintenance access panel popped open, and without warning the room we were being held in now contained 4 humans and 2 uplifts, adorned in the uniform of the Terran military.
I understand that their original plan had been to embarrass the Kiraba pirates. Sneak in, free the hostages, leave without anyone ever knowing. A slap in the face to the criminal group, a simple message: You’re so insignificant and below our paygrade, that we’re not even going to try. At least, that was the plan. Until they found out about Jzarl’tch’s second and last mistake.
Ransoming is an interesting art. Both sides need to act tough, to push back as hard as they can. While technically everyone knows the end result will be the safe return of the hostages in exchange for credits or other valuable goods, the reality is both parties are actually negotiating for the next incident.
The victim, the ‘hostaged’, doesn’t want to be seen as an easy target. Making no effort to find the criminal, or being willing to pay too high of a price, makes your group an easy mark, attracting the wrong kind of attention. On the other hand, taking low ball offers for ransom or not being seen as tough enough can cause reputational damage for kidnappers, reducing their future payouts and probably resulting in the eventual collapse of the criminal organization, as members move to better paying venues.
This means that the act of getting a ransom is a slow and delicate process, a game both sides are playing: The group the hostage was taken from wants their person back alive, and the ransomers don’t want to keep having to pay to feed and keep alive someone indefinitely with no payday, but both have to try and get the best deal.
Unfortunately, Jzarl’tch was neither a slow or delicate man. He didn’t know the game, all he knew was the blood filled beginning of his short reign as he took control of the pirate group. Meaning when the Hatil government refused to immediately pay, he didn’t take it as a state of how things were, he took it as an insult, an affront to the new power Jzarl’tch had seized.
So he ordered his men to do something terrible, as a message to ‘speed things along’. They made the three of us draw straws, and when James was left holding the short straw they… they killed him. I’m not going to describe what happened, as I care to relive that as little as I can; if you really wish to know the autopsy was leaked onto the Terran Galnet. I will describe what happened when the Terrans found out.
There was no shouting or screaming, or shocked grasps or growls of rage. The six of them just got very very quiet when they found the body of James. The joking banter and happy demeanour disappearing in an instant, like rain on a summer's day. Just a wordless stiffening of their bodies, gritted teeth and clenched fists.
Then they got to work.
Legally, I will tell you what didn’t happen. They didn’t break any laws of engagement. They didn’t mercilessly hunt down and kill every pirate on that vessel in synchronised movement of death, effortlessly taking down a criminal group they far out classed in skill and weaponry. They didn’t cut down people as they slept and no calls for surrender were ignored.
They didn’t tell us to point out the ones who had tortured and killed James, and they didn’t provide unholy retribution against those who had. These pirates' last moments weren’t filled with the same pain and horror that they’d put poor James through.
None of these things happened. The camera footage on each of the soldiers' armour went out because of a local solar flare, the pirates refused to surrender and were killed within the legal definition of warfare with a hostile force. The injuries on the three criminals who had personally tortured and killed James were pre-existing, maybe a fight amongst the pirates, maybe they fell down some stairs. I’m not a doctor, I couldn’t tell you how they got them.
That is exactly what happened, that is what I saw, and nothing could get me to say otherwise.
I returned home to much media attention, of both Hatil and Terran variety, questions about how I was treated, about my time in captivity. I finally got to see the messages from those who wished me home safely, millions of primates I’d never met providing words of kindness and support. None of this is really interesting though, and if one is so inclined to watch my 15 minutes of fame, I’m certain you could find plenty of clips on the Terran and Hatil Galnets.
The real interest was what the Terrans did next. The information about our treatment at the hands of the pirates, of the cold blooded murder of James, was helpfully recorded and made public by the Kiraba themselves. Jzarl’tch wasn’t on the ship at the time of our rescue, meaning in the Terran’s opinion, they’d gotten off scot free. Anger erupted from the public, at both the harsh conditions we’d been kept in, and the cruel death of one of the ‘teddy bears’, a flood of fire and rage erupting from the primates.
The information changed the vibe, for a lack of a better word. Watching the Terran government’s general demeanour before we were rescued, the entire ordeal was more one of annoyance: the criminal group wasn’t a threat, and had done just enough at that point that the military had to get involved to rescue us.
Once they learned what Jzarl’tch had ordered… It turned to anger.
It’s perhaps good for the rest of the galaxy that Terrans have a rule of non-interference, because watching them take down and destroy the criminal group with a calm methodological approach both provided a sense of schadenfreude against those who had harmed me so and a small amount of terror at how efficient the entire process was.
They spared no expense, left no metaphorical stone unturned, slowly going system by system, planet by planet, rooting out and destroying the criminal organization as if someone was carefully weeding a garden. They attacked rogue stations and known hideouts, attacking entire Kiraba owned colonies, replacing bribed officials and threatening anyone who dared to stop the destruction of the pirates.
The military weren’t the only ones involved, breaching crime ridden outposts and destroying pirate refuges where governments had long since been unable to govern. The Terran public joined in on the species wide rage, private militaries and mercenaries working as one, charities using their resources in a less than ‘charitable’ manner. The entire thing became a spectacle of indignant fury, the media reporting and tracking of the Kiraba pirate’s slow but inevitable destruction dominated the Terran consciousness. If I was being honest, they seemed more enraged than the Hatil ourselves, angry on behalf of what the criminal group had done to us.
The criminal underworld disowned the Kiraba pirates, more out of desire for survival rather than a feeling of horror at what they had done. The few allies that stood besides them soon found the force of a very angry Terran military crashing upon their doorstep. The criminal group couldn't so much buy a paperclip, let alone weapons or other resources, the pirates who had brought the rage of the Terrans upon them becoming persona non grata to any criminal with a brain.
Members abandoned their posts in droves, only the most loyal or stupid kept the Kiraba colours as the Terrans slowly strangled their organization to death. Of course, those who left didn’t escape punishment, but imprisonment was preferable to dying in a gunfight with the rage filled primates.
Jzarl’tch had originally kidnapped me, and the other two Hatil merchant captains, in an attempt to solidify his hold over the criminal empire that stretched over thirty systems. It took two years from the date of my rescue till that vast empire was dismantled completely. After two years, Jzarl’tch was captured in one of his few remaining safe houses: a run down vermin filled slum on a chaotic lawless planet on the edge of civilization. A far cry from the mansions and power they had grown up with.
It wasn’t even a true battle, the pirates hardly had any ammunition to fire back at the Terran military as they breached the roof of the building. The video of the final engagement, of a group of terrible people unable to do anything against the well drilled special forces dropping into their ‘safe house’, was a fitting end for the terrible criminal organization that once was.
Jzarl’tch was captured alive, the Terrans made sure of that, presenting the once head of the Kiraba pirates in chains to the Hatil government. The court case was simple and swift, I didn’t even need to testify. He’s now serving his life sentence in some maximum security prison somewhere. And I emphasize somewhere, since after his first two prisons got too many mail bombs addressed to him, his exact location has been kept secret from the public.
A few criminal groups tried to take up the Kiraba pirates' colours, use their name for ‘brand recognition’, but the Terran reaction to these new groups was more than enough to dissuade people from making this choice.
And then… life went on. I was a little more famous for all the wrong reasons, but mostly everyone went back to their lives.
People always expect me to have some unique insight into what exactly happened, since I was the center of the entire incident, but the reality was I watched the Terran’s rage as much as everyone else did, with a mixture of awe and horror at the sheer force of nature that had been unleashed. Because the Hatil were the Terran’s friends, and someone had hurt them for no good reason, and now they had to pay.
No, the rule around the Terrans was a simple one, that anyone who has worked with them already knew: Terrans bond easily and are quick to anger, so do not mess with their friends.
Especially if those friends are cute.
Thanks to Yargle, Knebb, AcceptableEgg and AsciiSquid for proofreading this!
- Just how many things 'definitely didn’t happen’ to the pirates who hurt a cute alien friend?
- How many stars does ‘Pirate Hotel’ get on Space AirBnB?
- Just how quickly can Terrans dismantle a criminal empire?
Find out all this and more… NEXT TIME!
The final in the trio of stories of this cute little Hatils’ memoirs.
I also have set up a. I promise to spend my money on taking over the tri-state area giving Platypuses neat little hats. With a huge shoutout to my Patreons! 20! There is a 41% chance that two of you share a birthday!
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- Aroluz!
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