—-Bong —--
New feature unlocked: Innate knowledge of combustion +4 xp
This new message flashed before his eyes. Before he could take the time to really consider what had just happened another deep and obnoxious gonging rocked through his mind.
—-Bong —--
CONGRATULATIONS
You have leveled up
You are now a : Level 1 - Adventure Capitalist
Processing reward…..
Howard liked the sound of a reward. He briefly wondered what sort of reward he might get for reaching 69 xp apparently.
—-Bong —--
Skip add?
Yes No
3
Wait an ad? Howard thought
2
“Wait wait, I want to skip! How do I skip?” Howard said.
He mentally struggled to hit the skip ad button.
“Where is that stupid Genie when you need him! I wanna use my 3rd wish to skip this ad!” He yelled to the empty seeming cavern.
1
He finally managed to gather the mental wherewithal to hit the yes button.
Skip ad for 420 Fatecoin ? or 1 treasured memory of your mother
Fate coin? What in the interdimensional garbage is this? Howard thought
Playing Ad
—-Bong —--
“That bong is going to get incredibly annoying!” Howard shouted to the uncaring heavens. Howard had just enough time to be annoyed by the bonging before his vision faded to black as if all the light in the world was being sucked into his head. Streaks of light began to fly towards his eyes clouding his vision with the yellows of braziers and muted blues and blacks of the shadows of the darker corners of the chamber.
The lights then began to reform on a completely black background. Strange music seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere. The music had the soulless quality of corporate jingles. A booming voice coming from everywhere and nowhere much like the music rang out.
Are You Feeling Lucky? Do you crave excitement? Are you a mortal with too much soul on your hands?
Join thousands of beings of all types and caliber on EldrtichOdds!? .
Where Magic, Money and unspeakable horrors beyond mortal comprehension meet to bet on anything from the fate of empires, sports or even what Edna Johnson will be having for lunch!
But don't just take it from us, take it from our valued customer Florgon the Destroyer!
“I was down on my luck before betting the first borns of my bloodline on the outcome of the 1986 world series!”
Don't be blind to the odds, open your third eye and confront the Eldritch odds!
Use Code : VOIDTAKEME - for 1/16th of Abraham Lincoln's spine or equivalent value
(opening 3rd eye may void most standard anti-eldritch coverage packages in most planes of existence. EldritchOdds is not responsible for the loss of any body parts and or autonomous function of limbs. Don't gamble if you cannot handle the loss. Problems gambling? Get help at 1-800-CTHULU, or by creating a standard ritual circle of goat blood. )
Howards vision began to return as the light that had once been sucked into his vision began to spew back out filling in the cracks where reality was supposed to be.
—-Bong —--
Thank you for watching that ad! You have received one free spin courtesy of EldritchOdds ?! Would you like to Spin the wheel?
Howard was beginning to hate the gonging sound that accompanied every instance of Cosmic Sans level BS. A headache had begun to develop from all the gonging and mental strain he was experiencing today. Either way the obnoxious gonging had nothing to do with the wheel spin or whatever he had been given for unintentionally watching an ad.
Would you like to spin the wheel?
Yes Coward
He figured there was no reason not to use his spin immediately. Besides, he really didn't appreciate being called a coward by any sort of disembodied voice or source-less floating text. He did concede that this might be a rash decision made out of a desire to go back to sleep and not hear any more gonging. Making up his mind he mentally struggled to hit the yes.
A massive multicolored wheel appeared before his eyes. He tried to reach out and touch it only to find just like all the other messages and visuals he had seen it had no real substance. The colors on the wheel each took up a tiny section and seemed to be constantly shifting in an almost hypnotic pattern. Before he could make much more of the wheel it began to spin.
Spinning…..
Spinning……..
Spinning…………
—-Bong —--
Congratulations! You have just won a Shirt!
Just as suddenly as the wheel had appeared leaving in its place a floating shirt. The shirt seemed to shift in color a bit before settling on the most garish Hawaiian style shirt he had ever seen. The patterns were of cards and poker chips and card suits some of which he didn't recognize at all. As he was examining it, it flew through the air to hit him in the face. Being a shirt it thankfully did not hurt. Flipping over the shirt there was a big bold mockery of the classic Las Vegas sign saying instead Viva Vaguely lost.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
—-Bong —--
“God damn that bonging!” Howard blasphemed to the continually uncaring cave ceiling. Howard was about to begin a tirade of swearing before more unasked for and generally unhelpful text appeared before his eyes.
- Would you like to use Exposition? Uses remaining: 2 or something.
The hell does or something mean? He thought to himself. I may as well see what happens, at this point I don't really have that much to lose.
Slightly Cursed shirt of the tourist (new) -A loud Hawaiian shirt plastered with gambling themed icons and smelling vaguely of too much sunscreen and long since drunk pina coladas. Created in 1984 during a séance with Houdini's ghost and a washed up lounge magician's soul this Hawaiian shirt may make you look like a middle aged dad on vacation in vegas but hey, it's better than nothing. Oh it's also a bit cursed.
+1 Drip, now better at sleight of hand involving cards and chips. Now prone to accepting bets and performing mediocre card tricks .
Howard hesitated only for a moment before shrugging and tugging off the robe and donning the slightly cursed shirt. Being a bit chilly still in the cave Howard decided to keep the inexplicably sticky robe as a jacket. Besides it would help cover the awfulness that was the shirt.
“Hey Cosmic Sans If I leveled up don't I get abilities or something!”
As Howard had begun to yell at the uncaring cave roof a massive fog horn sound caused Howard to jump in surprise.
—--aWOOgah —-
“Wow really Cosmic we are gonna play like that! Screw you! Bring back the stupid bonging!”
More floating words hovered before Howard's eyes despite his apparently one sided argument with annoying sounds and even more annoying cosmic entities.
+1 Ability
Ability choice Unlocked
First ability courtesy: names and description
- Cash Grab- Grab the change you want to see in the world. Summon all lose change within a 5 Ft. radius. Does not include paper money or any other fiat currency including NFTS. Side effects may include being pelted by money.
“Sounds interesting” Howard mused aloud. In his experience gaming this choice seemed to really synergize with the curse that he had inadvertently picked up when touching Donny’s cursed gold.
- Walletmancy - who says petty theft can’t be achieved through magic. Summon the nearest wallet. Side effects include the stolen wallets owner knowing who took siad wallet.
Another interesting choice. Howard wasn't above a bit of petty theft and while this did seem useful the idea that the people would know who took their wallet rubbed Howard the wrong way. At least there was one more option.
- Business casual - makes you look sharper than you are. Summon a set of illusory business casual clothing that makes you 23% more trustworthy for 1 hour.
This was by far the worst option Howard had been offered, it did practically nothing. It didn't even give a temporary stat increase or even disguise. All it did was make him 23% more trustworthy, whatever that meant.
However of all of his options he only one of his without a downside was the business casual one. But what was the point of taking an ability if it was just going to be garbage.
“I want the cash grab one.” Howard said to no response.
After waiting a moment Howard tried to mentally select it. For a second he thought he had felt something happening, but as it turns out that was just the hot dogs settling in his poor abused stomach. When he had finally given up on mentally selecting anything he began to shout his selection.
“COSMIC YOU BASTARD GIVE ME THE CASH GRAB!”
—-GONG —---
The sound had changed slightly to a more ringing gonging followed by what sounded like a small chorus of party blowers and kazoos.
CONGRATULATIONS ABILITY SELECTED
Sparks and confetti began to shoot from the ground around Howard.
Would you like to access the character sheet?
Yes No
Howard mentally struggled to mentally click the yes. It again took him quite a while to get the mental focus together to make the mental selection, he found the sparks and confetti rather distracting. Not to mention the headache that had begun to develop had blossomed into a full migraine. Finally after some time struggling he managed to hit the mental button.
—-Bong —--
I guess the stupid regular bonging is back. At least it's not the awooga again. Howard thought to himself with a shake of his head as he began to examine his now updated character sheet.
Race : Idiot
Class : Adventure Capitalist
Level: 1
Xp: 69
Vibe : 5
Build: 3
Cosmic Sans Points (CSP) : 4
Drip: 2
Gumption: 3
Torque: 1
Thinky-good: 2
“Ok so that's new” Howard said to himself after regaining his hearing from the gonging sound that had begun to plague his existence. Three new stats: Gumption, Torque and Thinky-good.
They definitely weren't there the last time he checked. Gumption usually meant resourcefulness, but Howard thought that he had been very resourceful especially with the construction of his torch, which he was still very proud of. It was also nice to see that the slightly cursed shirt did have an effect on his stats like exposition said it would.
Features
Adrenaline - you know what this does. Your body just does that.
Convenience - there is no language barrier for you generally speaking.
Soul Bond- you are a pet owner.
Good hair- you have good hair consistently without much effort. (+1 vibe)
Combustive Knowledge (New)- things go boom sometimes and your probably the cause (+1 Thinky-good)
Skills
Exposition - three times an arbitrary time unit or when necessary have something explained Uses left 1 of 3 or something.
Silver tongued - (passive) people are more likely to listen to you especially during commercial transactions increases based on Drip and Vibe
Abilities
Curse of Greed - due to the manner in which you interacted with the cursed treasure you may now no longer throw anything besides money. Money now is thrown at an increased velocity.
Cash Grab (new)- Grab the change you want to see in the world. Summon all lose change within a 5 Ft. radius. Does not include paper money or any fiat currency including NFTS. Side effects may include being pelted by money.
Other
Curse of greed - you touched a genie's forbidden treasure branding you and limiting your potential.
There wasn't any new information on his latest skills from his character sheet as he had vaguely hoped there would be. But he figured he should have known that if he could expect anything it would be a lack of information and unhelpful entities. With only this regret he turned to find his fish and Donny.
It took Howard a second to locate his wayward fish car and Donny. As it turned out they were watching some sort of movie in the darkened corner of the treasure chamber. Donny had conjured a projector and some very comfortable looking chairs. The genie and the car were enraptured by the movie and apparently hadn't noticed any of the hijinx that Howard had been subjected to for the past hour or however long it had been. Howard walked over to the pair stepping on inexplicably spilled popcorn the entire way.
“ I don't like sand…. It's rough and Coarse, and gets everywhere…”
Donny paused Attack of The Clones.
“See now that is George Lucas's writing! It's trash, and might I add expertly delivered by Hayden Cristianson.”
James with a pair of old red and blue 3d glasses precariously balanced on his hood to cover his windshield Beeped animatedly at Donny.
“Yous dont get it, yea Hayden was directed to act that way but it's still bad yous cant defend it. This is just highlighting how the first movies was made with genie magic. I think I gots a cousin still on earth. Who knows what he goes by now.”
“Sorry to interrupt your prequels watch party, but I'd like to make my third wish now.” Howard said, drawing their attention away from garbage dialogue and mysterious genie relatives.
“Well thank the sports betting gods! James look who finally decided to grace us with his presence. Yous think I'm just gonna give yous another wish?”
James at hearing the mention of his name looked up from where he was attempting to consume popcorn, looked up and beeped expectantly. When he realized that nothing fun was happening he wheeled over the remote hitting far too many buttons causing the movie to unpause, skip forward 10 minutes and mute.
“Uhh kinda, isn't that like the deal? Genies grant you three wishes.”
“Again with the racism! If I didn't know any better I woulda thought yous was trying to piss me off. No, I granted those wishes cause I was bored and curious. Yous gotta earn the third wish by doing something suitably entertaining. like killing a dragon or something.”
“ Donny I have a migraine a cursed shirt and apparent access to far to much knowledge on thermodynamics. Can you shut up about the genie racism garbage for 10 seconds! For all I know there isn't even genie racism, you're just being an asshole!”
“Ok ok Jeez, you dont gotta bite my head off. Here take this.” Donny said handing Howard A Pina Colada in a Viva Vaugly lost cup before continuing.
“Here's whats we’re gonna do. Yous are gonna go grab my lamp as I whip us up a way out of here.”
With that Donny turned away from Howard, leaving him to sip the Pina Colada and find the lamp as he once again began to work his inexplicable magic.