Ch. 48 - Oh.

  "Son, ain't no therapists left no more. Nobody's got the money. Therapy's for CEOs an' their spawn. All them rich folk, yeah.

  People like us? We ain't worth squat to them corpos. Ain't buyin' their…luxuries, right? So they got cheap AI watchin’ us, checkin’ for stress, kickin’ us out 'fore we even snap—’fore we even know we’re sick ourselves. Ain't even got a job left t'pay for their robo-counselin'.

  Maybe them samurai types will bother some day, but I reckon they got their own tricks, them an' their Family.

  Nah, if ya want real help, you'll find folk like me. Wise folk, old folk, ones who been down that road. Only way you can help others, too—get old 'n get wise. Ain't no schoolin' for stuff that don't make stuff. We help folk, sure, but it ain't a payin' job, son. No professionals left in this, not for us no more. Thirty years back, yeah, but now? All gone.

  Stick with me if ya want. Maybe a kind soul’ll let ya watch an' learn. But ya gotta rustle up your own chow."

  – Aunt "Auntie Care" Carrol, when a young man asked her how he might get a job about helping others deal with personal problems

  ***

  I'm so sorry! Why didn't I notice? I'm so sorry!

  Leah couldn't breathe. Her tongue was a dry log in her mouth, incapable of shaping the endlessly circling thoughts. She was lost, staring at that ancient stone altar she and Lily used to play on. The others tried to invite her to play, but…Leah didn't deserve that. Not now, not since Lily was gone and couldn't play with them anymore, either.

  Forgive me! I should've seen it! I sh—

  A sudden blow against Leah's chest knocked her down, and blinding pain crashed into the back of her skull. All the colors ran together and bright spots exploded in her vision.

  Wincing against the pounding headache Leah tried to sit up, but the gray hand of a stranger crossed her vision where she'd expected her own flesh and blood. After a moment of confusion, a sudden frisson of fear scoured her stomach as she remembered that her limbs had been taken, but the memory of being saved and cared for by Tinea held the fear at bay.

  Tinea was lying across her lap, seemingly unconscious, antennae abnormally still. A panicked beat of her heart later, Leah's shaking fingers told her that she was still breathing. Still alive.

  Leah forced herself to breathe properly and took a moment to straighten Tinea out into a more comfortable pose, lightly stroking along the girl's brows, squinting her own eyes against her migraine.

  She carefully touched the sore spot at the back of her head with her fingers. When she drew them away, there was some blood on them.

  "Why am I bleeding? What happened?"

  Leah, Ypsilon said. Her voice was serious, less cute little girl and more capable AI woman. It also set off a tingle around her injury, and Leah grimaced at the added headache. You had a flashback.

  "Ah fuck." That… Yeah. It had been a while. Shit.

  Leah carefully supported her throbbing head with one hand and closed her eyes.

  Tinea was trying to help you, but she did something to herself in the process and ended up taking a pill to stop it. I recognized the neurotransmitter blocker, but Tynea will not share specific data without Tinea's permission. She lost consciousness, fell against you, and you cracked your head against the ground as a result. Might I suggest some nanites to check on the injury?

  Considering the migraine, that was probably a good idea…

  "Gimme something, please."

  Hold your hand out.

  New Purchase: Class I Basic Medical Nanite Capsule, cerebral

  Combined Points reduced to... 636

  A tiny green pearl fell into her palm, small enough to fit between the Sleeve's lattice. It was very light, barely there at all.

  Put it onto your tongue and wait for it to dissolve.

  She tried not to jostle her head as she followed Ypsi's instructions, and soon a refreshing, minty tingle, impossibly mild, rushed through her tongue and gums, upwards into her brain, where it spread out in all directions like a wave. It lapped against the pain and placated it, turned it into warm numbness followed by gentle relief, until Leah was free of pain.

  She breathed a sigh of relief and let herself relax a little.

  "So, when will Tinea wake up again?"

  It shouldn't be long. She ought to come around any moment. Leah, how are you? I do not think your…episode can go ignored.

  "No, it can't."

  You appear to be familiar with such?

  "Used to have 'em up until about five years ago, before the therapy clicked. That they're back now… Well. That's probably not surprising."

  There are catalogs that you could use in lieu of therapy. Other solutions exist, too. They don't deal with the root of the issue though, just render it irrelevant.

  "Irrelevant?"

  If your brain cannot have flashbacks because that pattern cannot fire, then it cannot have flashbacks.

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  "Ah, I see. That sounds like a last resort, though."

  There should be no shame in healing a neurological malfunction. I would recommend it.

  "Do you fix what broke, or are you breaking the way of things, huh? We'll see."

  Leah already knew how to handle the flashbacks. She'd just…taken a bunch of steps backwards. That was annoying, and just cutting out the proverbial scar tissue did sound very tempting. But part of growing up was also to get up again when one tripped, wasn’t i—

  Tinea twitched. Her back arched suddenly, and...

  ***

  I threw my eyes wide open, and desperately drew in huge lungfuls of air. I felt faint, as if I hadn't breathed for minutes.

  Hadn't I?

  Tinea, your oxygen levels are fine. You could have gone for several minutes without drawing breath, but you did, and you are fine.

  "UUUuuuuuuff!" I was jittery with nerves. Too much had happened. It all crashed down on me at once and every muscle in my body went utterly lax, like a cat about to hit the floor from several stories up.

  Heh. Shoulda remembered that back then.

  Leah loomed above me and my eyes locked onto hers. They were red and strained, but dry. She seemed…normal. Stressed, tired and unhappy, but not panicky, and not laden with guilt.

  That finally lifted the vise of anxiety around my brain, and I could take stock of myself, too. I looked back up at Leah, and said, "Well, that was some bullshit."

  She scrunched her nose at me. "My bad, I think. I haven't had a flashback for years. Wasn't as terrible as it used to be, either. Ypsi tells me it lasted only a few minutes."

  I couldn't help but raise my brow, incredulous. "Only a few minutes?!"

  "Yeah. They used to go for hours. Nothing would shake me out of it either. Early on, I'd spend more time gone than present. Usually I wouldn't just come out of one and be so…unbothered. Guess I am a lot more okay, these days," Leah said softly with a sad smile.

  I reached up and stroked her cheek and kneaded my eyes with my other hand. Sighed.

  My turn.

  "I…" I paused, looked up, then down again. Shifted uncomfortably, chewed my lip. I didn't want to talk about my side of things. About why I'd collapsed, too. All the fears and insecurities and shit.

  We…could just try to get some sleep, sorta reset ourselves. Leave the difficult talk for tomorrow. There was a certain wisdom to that, too. Rest was important and maybe it would make things easier.

  But that was the me speaking who had isolated himself for years and years. It wasn't what I'd promised myself when I became Tinea. And anyway…our situation's going to be as fucked tomorrow as it is today.

  Leah got a little antsy when I didn't continue, so I blew out some air, and sat up straight.

  I really was scared of what Leah might think about what I was going to say.

  So, I closed my eyes, and controlled my breathing consciously. Sank into it while I counted to ten. Reminded myself of my promises, which prompted me to look at my right ring finger, with the stylized golden path on it. It reminded me to act like the adult I was.

  Actually, it wasn't all that scary, if I took a proper look at things. I didn't need to worry about judgment. With a last slow exhalation, I let every distraction flow out of me. I met Leah's eyes, again.

  "Things went sideways very badly. I wasn't able to keep my cool when you suddenly…went away." My hands fisted as the memory of loss filled me again and I could feel the heat of tears gathering behind my eyes. "Kept asking Tynea how to help you, help you in the future. She told me that I can't fix your problems for you. Normally that wouldn't be an issue. I mean, I've had to fix my issues myself, too, right? And I get that that applies to you, too. Obviously.

  "But because of the way things were going and too much was happening, I wasn't able to…accept that. So, I fell back on an old habit from my childhood that I used to use to distance myself from…the things that were happening. When I would need to think no matter what. It worked at first. But, I, like, sorta self-hypnotized?" I couldn't look Leah in the eyes as I explained myself. I got quieter and quieter too, shame trying to drown out my voice. "I…stumbled into child-hood thinking, got confused about my own body. Like, why I wasn't Aden.

  "It was, um, just, a progressing psychotic break," I whispered. "Barely had enough awareness left to get Tynea to take me out of it with a drug, once I realized I was gone too far."

  I felt so small. So…not worth keeping around.

  Leah remained silent, but from the corner of my eye, I'd been able to see her pretty ones widening as I'd forced out word after word.

  A heartbeat later, she quietly asked, "Why did you react so strongly? I mean, from what I've seen of you, that was wildly out of character."

  I flinched, but the movement made my special fingernail glint with reflected light, and as difficult as it was, I forced myself to answer. Properly.

  "Leah, I… have not had a lot of people who genuinely cared for me, or whom I cared about. When I was still a kid, they were used to do things to me. I ended up really vigilant and careful about what they were doing and how they were acting. And also, how close I was to losing them. And as an adult…I ended up spending a lot of time alone while I tried to put myself back together. I did get a lot better. I learned that I really didn't need to be on watch all the time. But," I carefully looked up and saw Leah tilt her head. I swallowed and continued, "there's a bit of a difference between learning something, even really understanding it, and having lived it so your subconscious can learn, too."

  The gears were running behind Leah's eyes.

  Uh…

  I lightly scraped a fingernail across my calves, trying to not fidget too much, as I waited for Leah to arrive at whatever conclusion she was working on.

  Eventually, finally, she spoke. "Alright, Tinea," she said. "What is it that you figure you need, so that you're in control of your own behavior?"

  What a question. Okay.

  "Um. Time, I guess? Exposure, I mean. To stuff going wrong, like they did today, but ending well anyway. Really, talking like we're doing right now is probably the best thing possible. I already saw you recover, so I'm pretty sure I'll react a lot better if something like that happens again."

  Leah smiled wryly and stroked my hair between my antennae. I leaned in and tears pricked at my eyes again, but they were tears of relieved stress, not anxiety.

  "Well," she said, "I'll make sure Ypsi has all the permissions to work with you."

  "Oki! I'll be very helpful!"

  I couldn't help a wet giggle at the AI girl's cheerful tone, and found some degree of catharsis in it. I rubbed my face dry with my towel and offered Leah a fresh one too, but she didn't need it. Somehow, it looked like she'd dealt with her emotions a lot more smoothly than I did. Which was a little embarrassing, really.

  "Sorry, Leah."

  "Hmm?"

  "Today…that was a trainwreck rushing at me. I think that pushed a few wrong buttons. I'll…seek help when we get home, I think."

  "Mmm. Samurai have special services, I think."

  "Yeah. And you, Leah?"

  "I've got people I can talk to."

  "Those special services, too?"

  "Those too, yes. Once I had my littles secured."

  "Okay." I leaned back, only to smack my forehead. "Oh."

  "What?" Leah asked.

  ***

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