Description:

  This is a contemplative passage from my autobiographical "memoir literature" work, "A Brief History of My Family", and also the spiritual conclusion of the entire book. Here, I completed a special writing experience.

  My father, an old hero who was imprisoned for ten years during the Cultural Revolution but never surrendered, was killed by domestic cultural media's slander twenty-six years after the end of the Cultural Revolution. The scale of the slander was overwhelming, and its content was so thoroughly distorted that it made him extremely angry. China's thousands of years of history have habitually protected slanderers, making people witness the bloodstains of countless loyal and righteous individuals without knowing the names of the "slanderers". However, my father and I know the names of today's "slanderers" and their despicable behavior during those disastrous years. My father was not afraid of them, but when he found out that so many official media outlets were standing on their side, while the law remained silent, the knowledgeable remained mute, colleagues secretly rejoiced, and the mob cheered, he could no longer survive.

  My father's tomb is built in the mountains of my hometown, and his ashes are temporarily placed in a funeral home in Shanghai. One day, I received news that Mr. Yu Hongwen, the matchmaker who introduced my parents to each other, also had his ashes stored in the same funeral home. I felt it was necessary to pay my respects to him as he played a significant role in bringing me into this world. At the same time, I could also take care of my father's spirit tablet once again.

  After finishing the worship that day, I left along the corridor of the mourning hall and suddenly saw a familiar smile. It was a yellowed photo on an urn. Upon closer look at the name, it turned out to be Professor Xu Fuming, my old friend in the academic circle. I immediately took a step back and bowed deeply to him.

  This caught my attention, and I thought there might be other cultural figures here, so I slowed down my pace and looked around. As soon as I took a closer look, right in front of Professor Xu Fu Ming, I saw the name Zeng Yuan Feng. His denunciation had sent Professor Xu to prison for many years. In recent years, he was also one of the main "slanderers" who smeared me. No matter when, he was always the attacker, but somehow he also ended up here.

  As I walked out of the Anling Hall, I stopped again. A familiar name, Yu Yixian, appeared in that grid inside the door. This was the name of a famous tomb raider from my hometown, someone I had never met but knew to have mysteriously done many good deeds. Was it him? Or perhaps just a namesake? I hoped it was him, as he reminded me of the moonlit nights in the mountains back home.

  I remember Brecht

  toltB

  He once said that the more abundant the procedural memories, the more they will make people feel a kind of inertial stagnation. Therefore, it is necessary to interrupt, to separate, and let both the speaker and the listener suddenly stop and think.

  I have been waiting for this opportunity to stop, and now it has arrived. At the entrance of the mourning hall, I looked back again. Except for my father, Mr. Yu Hongwen, Mr. Xu Fuming, Mr. Yu Yixian, including that Zeng Yuanfeng whom I am not yet willing to call "Mr.", are all here stopping together. So, I have also found a reason to sit down.

  Not far from the mourning hall are two stone chairs, facing a small pine forest. On the side, there is also a shallow pool of water with large pieces of dead leaves floating on its surface.

  I sat down on a stone chair, eyes slightly closed. At first, my thoughts were jumbled and jumping around, but after taking a few deep breaths, I calmed down.

  Before my eyes, these old people appeared, and I spoke softly to them. They had no expression, but seemed to have an expression.

  The first person I wanted to approach and talk to respectfully was Mr. Yu Hongwen.

  Mr. Yu Hongwen, I should call you Grandpa. When I was born, my grandfather had already passed away, so I never called anyone Grandpa since childhood. In the past when I saw you, I also wanted to call you that, but felt too embarrassed.

  Now I can call out, but as soon as I think of it, I haven't even called out yet, and I feel like I've already knelt down at your knees. Looking up at you, with a white beard and wide sleeves, the sun is behind you.

  Behind you, it seems that my grandfather, grandmother, uncle and aunt are still standing far away. You are a generation. They left earlier than you, so looking back is a bit vague.

  I don't know, my elders, how you will feel when you hear that one of your grandchildren has become "the most slandered independent intellectual in Chinese history". Will it be worry, heartache, anger or pride?

  This title was obtained by several scholars after careful investigation. At that time, I also doubted it when I heard it, but later thought carefully, if not only counted for a moment and a place, but counted continuously for 20 years, counted every national scale, indeed no one can surpass.

  I guess among you, only grandma must feel proud of this matter, I have seen her piercing eyes. Other elders are more or less confused: how could it be like this?

  I am willing to accept your interrogation about this.

  It should be you, Mr. Yu Hongwen, who is supposed to act as a matchmaker for my parents and ask me questions on their behalf.

  I seem to have heard your voice already.

  You are clearly saying: "Discussing rumors, no need to look at the content, just look at why it happened."

  I nodded.

  Then you started asking: "Is there a struggle for power between you and the slanderer?"

  "I replied: 'Since I resigned 20 years ago, I have no official position, nor am I a representative or committee member. I withdrew from all official associations long ago, so there is not an iota of power to speak of. What can they contend for?'"

  "You also asked: 'Do you have any conflicting interests with them?'"

  "I replied: 'My research work of several million words, the inspection plan of over a hundred thousand kilometers, from start to finish, has never applied for a single penny of government funding. What can they argue about?'"

  "You also asked: 'Do you have academic disputes with them?'"

  "I replied, 'My research topics have never collided with others, my investigation routes have never intersected with others, and my expression methods have never been similar to others. What can they argue about?'"

  "You continue to ask: 'Do you have any ideological differences with them?'"

  "I replied: 'You've seen it, so many people have been continuously hurting me for over twenty years. Some of them have even made a stable living out of hurting me, but I've never fought back or mentioned any of their names.'"

  You stopped asking questions and looked at me quietly.

  After a while, I heard your voice again: "Every one of your answers can be witnessed by everyone. It seems that you are the person who should not be slandered the most, but you have been slandered the most. There must be a special reason for this reversal, such as what I just thought, is it because you are too enviable?"

  "I replied: 'Jealousy is too ordinary, it's not a special reason. There are many people in the Chinese cultural circle who can be jealous, but they have not brought such long-term slander.'"

  "You said: 'From the tone of your voice, it seems like you already have an answer.'"

  I said: "I myself had been puzzled for a long time, but later, after some recollection, I found the key."

  "What memories?" you ask.

  "I recalled that it was more than 20 years ago when I hadn't resigned yet. At that time, there were many reasons for people to be jealous of me. Not only was I the youngest humanities professor in China at the time, but also the youngest university president and the youngest official at the departmental level. Moreover, I was in charge of the title evaluation of so many people in Shanghai. My style of doing things at that time was even more vigorous and daring. However, for six whole years, not only did I not suffer from any slander, but also didn't hear a single word of criticism. Even those few people who later slandered me the most were all speaking sweet words to me at that time, praising me without stop."

  "I've already guessed your answer," you said. "The most important reason why you have been slandered for a long time is that you have left one system more thoroughly."

  "I said: 'The system is a mechanical structure, like a castle. Being in it, even if you are jealous of each other, you also restrain each other, and gain balance and security. One day, someone quietly opened the gate and left, the gate closed behind him, and his various behaviors on horseback often appeared in the sight of people inside the castle. His freedom, his independence, his high profile, unintentionally became a mockery of the ecosystem within the castle. The result is predictable, he must become the target of arrows. Since the gate has been closed, the archer has no worries about his back."

  "Such castles, there may be more than one, right?" you ask.

  "Of course," I said. "The nature of a castle is to confront, if there's only one, it loses its meaning of existence. Now, some castles are very grand because they have national power backing them up, while others are quite lively due to their foreign background. As for me, I can only recite Lu Xun's poem: Two rooms left, alone and wandering with a spear. But I'm more thorough than Lu Xun, I don't even have a spear."

  You nodded slightly, seemingly unwilling to ask more questions, yet still asked in a low voice: "Life outside the castle is both lonely and perilous; can you return to a safe castle from which border gate?"

  "I know which castle you're referring to. The official system has both advantages and disadvantages for cultural creation, but the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. Throughout history, both in China and abroad, there have been many grand official cultures that are not necessarily bad, but most of the truly long-lasting cultures are not among them. This is because administrative thinking and cultural thinking, although partially overlapping, are fundamentally different. The former seeks to achieve order and joy through unified and grand rituals, while the latter reaches ultimate concern through individualized and poetic paths. Now, the former has become too powerful, even many self-proclaimed scholars are secretly competing for administrative ranks, which makes many government officials look down on culture with arrogance and ignorance. If this continues, the former may eventually engulf the latter. Look at the current situation: wealth is overflowing while literary affairs are stagnant, spirits are withering while everywhere is bustling with noise, these are all signs. Therefore, I must constantly stand outside to remind people that it cannot be like this, it cannot be like this."

  "And what about the other castle?"

  I said: "I once had hopes for that castle, hoping it could criticize the drawbacks of autocracy, expose the privileges of the powerful, and promote political reform. But now I'm disappointed. Because it's mixed with too much speculation, hypocrisy, and performance. I've tried many times to dialogue with people in this castle, only to find that they all claim to be China's saviors, yet spread various rumors in a tone of revelation, and always push all cultural issues towards political criticism, as if there were no other problems in the world except for political criticism. Their seemingly fierce remarks, at first listen, still have some stimulation, but after listening again, it becomes boring."

  It seems that you can only be a left radical and not a human being. However, I want to tell you as an elder: do not fear. Great wisdom is not in groups, great kindness has no help, what's the fear of being alone, what's the fear of being slandered?

  I said: "Right, I'm not afraid."

  The conversation with Mr. Yu Hongwen is a bit tiring. His many questions, I know, are representative of the interrogation of many elders towards me.

  Next, it won't be so serious. Mr. Xu Fuming is eager to speak. Mr. Xu Fuming has always been taciturn and is still smiling at me now, waiting for me to open my mouth. He may just listen as usual without speaking.

  Mr. Xu, my friend, just now at the mourning hall, I was thinking of moving you away from Zeng Yuanchang. You once told me that life is like a play, roles are predetermined, he will always be the one hitting and you will always be the one being hit. Here you two are so close, face to face, it makes me uneasy.

  But then again, it doesn't matter. He used to beat people up relying on framing, slandering and informing, now that he's here with you, his lifelong skills are all useless, what are you still afraid of?

  From now on, you can stare at him up close. I've long discovered that anyone who harms people always has a wandering gaze. He will use the corner of his eyes to spy on you, and you won't let go. No matter how sinister or venomous a person is, they can't withstand your unyielding gaze and can only quickly escape. But in this mortuary's small grid, where can he escape? Therefore, in my view, this is the "Final Judgment". The judge of the trial is the victim of a lifetime, and the language of the trial is an unwavering gaze.

  Your gaze, the theme of the past is melancholy. I used to blame you for not adding a bit of anger, now I don't blame you, just advise you to add a bit of sarcasm. For someone like Zeng Yuanchang who has always been arrogant and domineering, it's only fitting that he ends up being looked after by you day and night, silently and quietly, without any relatives or friends, with a bit of sarcasm.

  What's more deserving of ridicule is the world, which has been egging him on for so long, giving him applause, giving him space, and providing a platform for him to flex his muscles. For decades, there hasn't been a shred of restraint or criticism, making it impossible for him to stop, hard to retreat. Only when he's completely entrenched does the world abandon him like a worn-out broom, turning around to look for new replacements to create new misfortunes. Isn't this worthy of ridicule?

  Mr. Xu Fuming, in the study of Chinese opera vocal history, you are my senior, but when it comes to the mysteries of social life, I must say that I can be your senior. Today, I want to ask you a question: Why did Zeng Yuandong always hit people, while you always got hit?

  I see you shaking your head and staring blankly while waiting for my answer.

  My answer is simple: he hits people in order not to be hit; you get hit because you don't hit people.

  Beating people, also called framing people or ruining people, is essentially attacking others politically, morally and in terms of reputation. This kind of thing happens all over the world, but in China it has become a magical industry.

  You may ask: how can it be a "magical business"?

  I want to tell you: this has something to do with the collective psychology of the Chinese nation. Many people, as long as they hear from the attacker's mouth that someone may have some problems, will be very excited to believe it and immediately regard the attacker as a political fighter, a moral model, and everyone will passionately follow and join in the criticism. As a result, in an extremely short period of time, the situation has already become a confrontation between the person being attacked and the broad masses of people, with the attacker no longer bearing any responsibility. Some official media will also fan the flames, regarding each siege as "public opinion", regarding the person being attacked as a "controversial figure", making the attack quickly take on an air of righteousness.

  So once the attacker makes a move, they will be covered in golden armor and followed by a large crowd. In these decades, we have seen so many Chinese people suffering one after another, only one group of people standing undefeated, that is them.

  You were attacked by Zeng Yanfeng during the "Cultural Revolution" and imprisoned for many years. In fact, there was a very simple way to get out of it, which was to attack others, including him. Moreover, such attacks would never be punished.

  So your suffering is not because of him, but because of yourself, you won't attack others.

  I, like you, have never done anything "aggressive". In this regard, my self-control is even more difficult than yours. You may not have the ability to attack others at all, but I do. You know, I am the chief judge of the "World University Debate Competition", and in terms of language skills, those people are not my opponents at all.

  But for giving up the attack, neither of us will regret it.

  Let's think about it the other way around. If you follow me and scold them fiercely, so that the world has two more clever attackers but two fewer pure cultural people, would we be satisfied? I think we would regret it instead.

  Actually, we don't need to win. We just hope that one day when a new "Zeng Yufeng" is chasing and beating a new "Xu Fuming" on the street, China's people and media will no longer cheer and shout together like they did in the past and now.

  That's all.

  However, it will still take a long time to achieve this.

  Perhaps there will be such a day, but for me, white hair has grown and dusk has fallen, as if it can't wait any longer.

  After talking to Mr. Xu Fu Ming, I couldn't avoid Zeng Yuan Feng who was just a stone's throw away. Actually, I didn't want to avoid him either, and I really wanted to have a chat with him. But I reckon he would only listen and not speak.

  Where to start? I'm still unsure of how to approach a conversation with someone like him.

  Zeng Yufeng, in terms of age, you are my senior. When you reported Mr. Xu Fuming for "attacking model operas", I was only 19 years old; when Mr. Xu Fuming was finally rehabilitated and you turned around to become a critic of the "Cultural Revolution", I was already 33 years old; when you reported that left-wing screenwriter with the surname Sha to me, I was 41 years old; when you reported to the national media that I wrote a preface for a younger generation of dissidents in exile, I was 43 years old; when you participated in those "residual clan" people's siege against me, I was 56 years old; when you suddenly became a "dissident" and reported many Chinese people and things to foreigners, I was 59 years old.

  In this long process, you must have done many, many things that I don't know about to inform on me. Please forgive my ignorance. But one thing is certain: you accompanied me in an unusual way for half of my life.

  The company of loved ones increases my fragility, your company strengthens me. Therefore, you are very important to me.

  You majored in Chinese literature, and later became a "screenwriter", "editor" and "essayist". You remind me of those several "leftover youths" who have been slandering me for over a decade. They all came from the Chinese department, had dabbled in literary creation but were unable to write anything original, so they switched to writing critical essays and denunciation letters. Interestingly, that left-wing screenwriter you denounced to me back then also took the same path as you: using art to play politics and harming innocent people every day.

  Looking further, among the *** you used to be loyal to, there are also three people with a literary background. Suddenly I realized that you have applied all the fictional, imaginative, exaggerated and sentimental elements in literary creation to real social events. You took fabrication as plot, fantasy as romance, scolding as recitation, rumors as lines, and siege as performance. Only the vast unknown audience was pitied, and they actually made fake things true.

  I just mentioned when I was talking to Mr. Xu Fuming that many superficial people are particularly easy to follow people like you who constantly attack others in politics, morality and reputation, making you often "wear a golden robe, with followers like clouds". Now I want to add one more sentence, the most pitiful thing about these people is not following you, but not knowing that all of you are acting.

  In recent years, you people have all suddenly started playing the role of "dissidents", and begun spouting lines like "democracy", "human rights", and "freedom". This is really laughable. Aren't these wonderful social issues exactly what we've been striving for? How did they suddenly get snatched away by you people? You're pirating again. Pirated goods are not the real thing, and similarly, when these concepts come out of your mouths, they all take on a different flavor and become ironic.

  Let's talk about "democracy". This concept you shout out every day in your articles, with a hidden "big" character in front of it, deceiving the masses into making big false accusations, big struggles and big harm. In fact, you are afraid of the broad masses of people, for example, you are most jealous of my book being continuously popular for twenty years, which is actually jealousy towards the "democracy" of the broad readers. For this, I couldn't help but laugh and ask: dare or not dare to conduct a few public opinion polls, let the broad masses of people make a choice between you and me? Not daring, right? Still talking about "democracy"?

  And "human rights". For so many years, you have used a large number of dirty rumors to harm my reputation, harm my wife's right to work, and harm my father's right to survival. None of these people hold any official position. Are these not also "human rights"?

  Let's talk about "freedom". You have infringed upon my freedom of writing, freedom of speech, and freedom of residence through concentrated frame-ups. However, thanks to the media's cheering, legal leniency, and official indifference, you have never had to pay any price or make any apologies. I'd like to ask, in the past few thousand years, who has been more "free" than you? And who needs to return "freedom" to others more than you do?

  You can tell, this is a rhetorical question, not seeking an answer. The real question has been there for a long time, might as well say it out loud: all these years, have you people never worried about being held accountable by the law? Have you always been so sure that China's laws will forever be biased in your favor?

  You don't have to answer this question either. Now that you've come here, let's not talk about the law. I just hope you take a good look at the person in front of you, there is someone of your age who was imprisoned for many years because of your false accusation. After he was exonerated, he burned your evidence and didn't say a harsh word to you, but you didn't even give him an apologetic glance. Now I finally understand that some kind of mysterious power has arranged the two of you so close together, possibly with ulterior motives.

  If there is one person I have never met but particularly want to talk to, that person is Mr. Yu Yixuan.

  Until this moment, I still don't know what kind of person he is, in my mind just a mass of fog, a pile of questions. Faintly, there seems to be a hint of evil spirit, but it could also be a divine aura, seemingly far yet near. The more it's like this, the more curious I become, I want to clear my mind and face this old man with the surname Yu. I don't know what dialect he used to speak in the past, was it Yu Yao, Ci Xi, Shao Xing, Ning Bo or Hang Zhou? Thinking about it, today I'll still speak to him in the rural accent of my childhood, that tone can immediately evoke the mountains and rivers of my hometown. That place, before I was born, had already been a place where Mr. Yu Yixian frequently appeared.

  Mr. Yu Yixian, I have never seen you and do not know what you look like. In my imagination, you are a man in black. On your head is also wearing a black felt hat, the brim of which is pressed down low, making it difficult for others to see your eyes, but you can see others.

  Your name is particularly elegant among all the Yu surname villagers in your hometown, and it must have some cultural background, but none of the villagers can explain it clearly. Your reputation is not good, I've known since childhood that you are a grave robber, and the villagers call you "tomb raider". They also mispronounce your name as "night immortal", but with this nickname, they handed over half of the night of Wushi Ridge and Damiang Ridge to tigers and wolves, and the other half to you.

  A bad reputation also has its benefits, that is, it allows you to gain quietness. Grave robbing, as long as you don't touch the ancestral tombs of famous people from various periods, it's hard to become a political topic. Therefore, you are safe and sound in the KMT-CPC civil war and later political movements. People are interested in tarnishing someone with a good reputation bit by bit, the bigger the reputation, the more interesting it is, but they have no interest in dealing with someone with a bad reputation. It's like, a white cloth is too clean and dazzling, everyone wants to throw dirt on it, even if later the wind and rain wash it clean, people will continue to throw; while you are originally a black cloth, no one will pay attention to you.

  You seemed to have moved my great-grandfather's grave on a dark night, which made the impression of your family even worse. The change in impression was that you sent textbooks to the literacy class for mom on another dark night. This thing looks not big, but it is a timely help for several villages. Those villages were about to stand up from long-term ignorance, and you lent a helping hand.

  With this, I started to believe some positive rumors about you in the countryside. For example, when I was a child, I heard my neighbor's aunt say that Old Man Gu finally found his crazy girlfriend in our village, and it was thanks to your guidance. Moreover, you even let him live in one of your rooms for free. Is this true? More importantly, I heard from Li Long that during the Wu Shi Ling mountain flood, a previously dug drainage channel diverted the water away, saving several households at the foot of the mountain. A woodcutter told Li Long that this channel was dug by you over half a month's time, one shovel at a time. This means that while wandering silently, you also did great deeds silently, and maybe not just one. Is this true?

  I didn't expect your response, but I found you made a move. You looked at me, clearing your throat lightly like a cough, as if to speak, but what followed was a low, hoarse laugh. The laughter was very short-lived, and it excited me because I might have a conversation with you, just like I did with Mr. Yu Hongwen.

  I wish I could draw you out, but you are too strange to me, and it is hard to find a specific conversation starter, so I can only speak in abstract terms.

  I said: "All things in the world have turned around and gone to the other side, even giving them a position is futile. Many people and many things may be easier to find on the opposite side and the reverse side."

  I stopped here and waited for you. It's strange, your gaze is no longer on me, but looking into the distance, at the sky.

  I've decided to change my language approach. Like a minority singing a song, like an ancient poet reciting a couplet, I'll throw out the previous sentence first, and draw out the next sentence from the other person.

  "According to your footprints, I said a sentence: 'The most beautiful moonlight always comes from the desolate mountain valley.'"

  I finally heard your voice, you said: "The heaviest cultural relics always come from wordless wilderness."

  I'm too happy, and then said: "The most ridiculous lie, always has a good reason."

  "You catch on quickly, and immediately say: 'The most shameful slander is always polite.'"

  "The most unclean gaze is always watching morality."

  "You said: 'The most uncommunicative literati are always nitpicking over words.'"

  "The bravest warriors are always soft-spoken."

  "You said: 'The most boring books are always difficult to read.'"

  "The most exciting encounter is always with yesterday's enemy."

  "You said: 'The most hateful cut, is always an old friend.'"

  "The most moving speeches are always made by small men."

  "You said: 'The purest loneliness always belongs to the master.'"

  "The most vulgar friendships are soaked in wine and water day and night, and the more they soak, the bigger they get."

  "You said: 'The most elegant friendship is painted with a reserved brush, and the more it's painted, the fainter it becomes.'"

  I must say, Mr. Yu Yixian, I am impressed. You are obviously well-versed in the classics, but the sharpness here is not just a matter of technique. It's as if there's a kind of profound wisdom that's being conveyed through you in our conversation. So, let's broaden the topic a bit, shall we?

  A person covered in scars is always trying to take off other people's clothes.

  "You said: 'A withered tree can be used as a stick for beating people at once.'"

  "I said: 'The vine without tendons and bones, most wants to block out the high wall it relies on.'"

  "You said: 'The water that bursts out suddenly wants to betray its own riverbed.'"

  I said: "What I fear is not a fight, but the person opposite me suddenly falling down."

  You said: "I'm not afraid of being hunted, I'm just afraid that the hand holding the bow is actually a wolf's claw."

  I said: "What I fear is not the sky falling down, but rather that at the last moment I am still seeking revenge."

  "You said: 'I'm not afraid of the earth cracking open, but I'm afraid that at the end of my life, I'll still be shouting rumors.'"

  "I said: 'Too much absurdity has finally made heaven and earth speechless.'"

  "You said: 'Innumerable uncertainties have long since made the mountains and rivers lose their color.'"

  I said: "The world of lost words still needs to retain one word, 'good'."

  "You said: 'The cold face of mountains and rivers still hides a word - love.'"

  I said: "The earth has difficulties and our family's later generations will not know when a great disaster will come."

  "You said: 'Life has passed and I am an old man with the surname Yu, but I still haven't realized whether the Great Way exists or not.'"

  "I say: 'All things are empty, no joy, no sorrow, only the remaining autumn mountains, rain and fog lingering faintly.'"

  "A thousand years pass like an arrow, with no birth or death, only the moonlit night and the faint sound of birds."

  Our conversation has ended like a sleepwalker. It seems that there is a witchcraft, making our two souls out of the body, meeting in another dimension, with wonderful words and getting the heavenly music. This is not our word, but it is ours.

  What I want to say last is: You are really "night fairy". Talking with you, I'm a little scared. Since you're so powerful, please check our Yu family's origin in that world. Are we ancient Qiang people? Tangut people? Western Xia people? Mongolian people? Han people? If it's Han people, where did they come from? Is it Shanxi? Hubei? Fujian? Anhui? Zhejiang?...

  But it seems I've already heard your answer: none of this matters. A drop in the ocean, why ask about its source? From infinity, back to infinity.