In hindsight, the fact that I became a criminal shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone in my life. When all I’m living in is a studio with barebone essentials and walls made of cardboard, something had to give—whether that was my morals or the wall, clearly one won over the other.
“But,” I couldn’t help but hop to my bed, ignoring the noise coming from next door. “Who cares?”
Lick had something good ol’ me didn’t, and that was an in. Past life was as stale as it was safe, so I was ever so grateful for the chance to do what I want - kill, steal, and have fun!
Oh, the rush as my switchblade dug into the thug, and his bones crunching with the swing of my bat, “I love it.”
I loved it so much that I was way too eager to do it again. Would A be willing to do a new job so soon?
“..Maybe not,” the cogs spoke.
I moved onto the couch with a grin and turned on the TV to watch some garbage. There was some uneaten pizza on the table in front of me, but I blanched at that. I was definitely not eating however many days old food - I gotta live like the rich man I am! Not that my wallet would agree, the poor thing having at most 20 bucks.
Does this world sell pizza for less than 20 bucks plus tips? I doubt it. Maybe it would have been smart if I asked A for some pre-sale cash. Sure as hell would have beat being so damn hungry.
“Hey System, anything I can do in the meantime? Ya’know, quests, guides, anything of the sort?”
[Gracious Host, you have 10 unassigned attribute points. Would you like to assign them now?]
Oh right. How should I assign them, though? Once I’m able to go on big heists, I’d have no problems with gaining them, but what do I currently need? Brains were most definitely at the top of the food chain at the moment, and after two cog cycles, I realized that, maybe, just maybe, if I was smart enough, I could learn programming and do Work From Home type of heists. Imagine!
Or I could spec into Brawns. If I ever get into fights, I sure as hell would like to be able to beat their asses before they do mine. I can’t help but wonder if I could grow so strong I could just storm a bank just in my underwear and rip a vault off its hinges. That would be so cool..
Spirits was just as useless as its number at the moment. Sadly, I, the great Limbo Jimbo, was a poor man with no powers to his name. That would change soon, but until then, it would stay at 0.
“I’ll just give half to Brawns and half to Brains. Who cares!” Simple as.
Satisfied, I felt my body vibrate for a few seconds, the changes taking place most assuredly making me stronger. My mind was already less foggy than my past life, and I wasn’t that bad! Really!
In any case, once the show was over (I had absolutely no idea what it was about, but it was funny), I got up and began exploring this apartment in earnest. It was shoddy and worth nothing more than the pennies in my pocket, sure, but there must have been something poor Lick was holding that had some form of value, no?
After scouring the place, all I came out with were two overused magazines of the not quite safe for work variety. Man had his priorities in the negative, or maybe his life was so shit that he couldn’t help but get those, and had no more money to get even more. Don’t need them anymore, though. No time for women when I got time to flex these muscles. The ones in my forearms and the new ones in the bowels of my skull.
Finally, I got the greatest idea of the night, and couldn’t help but vibrate in place as the phone was ringing. Thirty seconds later, a tired voice came up, Alphonso grunting, clearly annoyed.
“What do you want? It's, like, three AM for goodness sake!”
“You mean for Evilness sake, right?”
“..I don’t even have the energy to cope with this shit. Whaddya need? Some cash to buy yourself a pizza or sum’in?”
“N-no..”
“...”
“Man, look. I have energy and I’d like to do some more work. I think I might be up for this.”
“Yes, Limbo. Yes you might. Now go the hell back to bed and I’ll call you next afternoon when the cash’s ready. Good fucking night, and don’t wake me up again.”
That was a bust. “Boo..”
I don’t even have a laptop nor is my phone anything more than a calling platform. What was I supposed to do now!?
---
Turns out, I could do a lot of things. Like doing some fun exercise, or lifting furniture around like a crazy guy trying to rearrange his home out of sheer madness, but I did not fit that criteria, I can tell you that much.
See, after following my old life’s exercise routine, I saw a Brawn go up. I balked at that, and outright spat the water I was drinking while checking the screen. That was disgusting, but what was also disgusting was the fact that “I can increase my attributes just by being a functional human being, what the fuck?”
What was this dumbass doing all his life to have 12 Brawn only when I raised 17 from 18 in the span of an hour of just tiring myself out randomly.
Oh System, great System, tell me about my attributes. Pretty please?
[The Villainous System allows the Gracious Host to become stronger through various means.]
[The options available are: Training - Purchasing - Completing missions/heists]
That was already established. Get to the good part!
[Training functions as a way for the Gracious Host to get used to any new changes, and as a way to increase the attributes related to the exercise. At the current realm of the Villainous System, Brawn and Brains are the only available attributes to train, and their progress is as follows:
Brawn: 85/100, Current training efficiency 20/100 progress/hour. Warning: Current training efficiency is too low for the time invested. Please consider a better method.
Brains: 95/100, Current training efficiency 5/100 progress/hour. Warning: Current training efficiency is too low for the time invested. Please consider a better method.
Spirit: Na/Na]
“Huh. I wonder if Limbo had a gym membership or something. Where did I put that wallet..”
He, in fact, did not. Cheap bastard. Thankfully, I still have the furniture to run around with. Not sure what I could do for Brains, though. Maybe when I get a laptop or access to some books or something..
[Brains 16 -> 17]
I don’t even want to know if 17 Brains was comparable to the average person if just thinking counted as an exercise. Speaking of which, what counted as exercise for Brains, then? Brawn was obvious - physical exercise and conditioning - but what of the former?
[The Brains attribute is improved by the following methods: Gaining knowledge - Making educated conclusions - Participating in mental battles and exercising the mind to its limits]
Once I had gotten all the knowledge I needed, I grabbed my wallet after a cold shower (there was no heating in this building, obviously), and went out to grab something to eat. It was still just 11 AM, which wasn’t exactly prime time for villainy and calling A for a progress update, but he only just said afternoon.
12:01 PM works, right?
“Yes, it definitely will.”
“Um, sir, will you be paying in cash or-”
“Here, and keep the change.” The total was 19.99.
“.. Thank you for your generosity?”
“You’re welcome.” I grinned.
---
As if knowing what I was about to do, the phone rang on its own - Alphonso was calling at 12:02 PM. The reason I wasn’t the one initiating the call was that I was training my muscles, and, while I had a very beautiful 19 Brawns to my name, it was still at a horrible efficiency of 40/100 progress.
“Lick, 209 Alcove St.”
That was all he had to say before I bolted out of the studio. My hands twitched as I made to call for a cab, but then I quickly realized I simply had nothing in my wallet. If Lick was poor, then I was literally penniless. With a tired sigh, I began my walk of shame, and the Villainous System must have pitied me as it responded to my distress with a bone.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
[Gracious Host, the Map/Minimap function is inactive. Would you like to activate it?]
Immediately, I turned it on and was given directions by the great powers of the System. “Thanks Vil!”
What I wasn’t thankful for was the fact that the street in question was, according to the map’s estimation of my speed and distance, half an hour away. That was unacceptable. So with my body roaring with energy from the Brawns I kept getting, and the potential ones I’d get, I launched myself forward with fervor unmatched by anything I’d done in my past life. Buildings zoomed by, and my lungs began burning as my heart simultaneously began pumping.
Oh, I wasn’t running at any superhuman speeds, not yet, but the way the air rushed over me, the exhilarating feeling of strength and energy, and the promise of more and more by the Villainous System and the world - it all excited me. It drove me.
Cars honked around me, men and women yelled out at my reckless running, yet this sprint of mine lasted only a brief 5 minutes, and I covered 15 minutes worth of distance in that period. My Brawns progress went from 5 to 15 in just these 5 minutes, and a quick glance told me that this running was clocking me at a 100/100 efficiency. I would have laughed, but I was in the middle of gulping air and coughing.
After five minutes of brisk walking, I began my second sprint. Time passed by in a flash, and soon enough I was standing where the System was pointing me. The decrepit street was a marvel in architecture, with worn down buildings, potholes, and trash galore. Alphonso truly knew what he was doing, the smart bastard.
Once I regained my breath, I excitedly entered the building where I spotted the man of the day loitering out with a cig in hand. His eyes shone briefly once I came into view, and he motioned me with his head to follow him. The aura of mystery and professionalism seeped out of the man, and I loved every second of it. Unconsciously, I felt my hand sweat, but that might have been more from the sheer heat and my running on the way here.
Following the professional, I found myself marching downstairs where only a flickering light was preventing me from tripping. Not that it helped much - it was already too dim to function better than the cigarette in Alphonso’s hand.
Regardless, we were finally in a basement room where I could help but exclaim out loud. “This is..”
“This here, Lick, is where we’ll be waiting for a nice fella who seemed to be interested in that cube you found.”
It was a stereotypical mob/mafia room with a circular table in the middle surrounded by chairs and random knick knacks. Bottles of alcohol, suitcases, and a couple of packs of cigarettes and what appeared to be poker packs were lying around haphazardly, though thankfully not out of their boxes.
Other than Alphonso and I, Bango was seated on a chair looking his mean self. He simply gave me a nod of acknowledgement before continuing his scrolling on the phone. A third person dressed fully in black with a fedora and tailcoat stood in the corner of the room, his face undefinable from the poorly hanging light bulb above the table. ‘This is amazing!’
“Now, Lick, I don’t got a clue how you managed to identify that cube, but the buyer certainly did from a single pic’,” he took a whiff, “You and the rest are here as protection while we sell the thing. Just look mean but don’t speak a single word, I’ll handle it.”
I nodded enthusiastically, and he thrust a black object toward me. I blinked before finding the barrel of a gun staring me in the eye, then he flipped the weapon so that its handle was on my side. “Can’t protect me if you only got your knuckles on you. Consider this a gift.”
Gulping, I grasped the pistol and marveled in its beauty. Midway through my inspection, my mind reminded me of the safety lock on the gun. Alphonso grunted in approval, patting me on the back before pointing where I should stand and look evil. I grinned once I was in place and pocketed the weapon, though not before making sure it would be easy to unsheath it in a flash.
Minutes passed by before A and B stood up and walked out of the room. Confused, I made to follow after them but was instead told to stay put. A couple more minutes later, they came back with three more men in tow, one of the new guys looking extra. He was dressed in a bright white that contrasted with the filth of this place, his eyes covered by a pair of glasses that he made sure to reposition with a middle finger. That man was a professional too, and it showed.
“Care for a drink?” A waved toward the array of bottles, but the buyer’s face scrunched up.
“Just get to the point. You said you got an.. Alien supercomputer. Show me.”
Wordlessly, B lifted a suitcase from below the table and unfurled it. A confirmed the contents then pushed it toward the buyer, and I saw it in his eyes. His eyes glimmered, and his mouth gaped open with wonder as his hands trembled toward the cube. “Magnificent..”
He beheld the cube, caressing its angular edges and glowing grooves, “I can’t believe it…”
“Now, I was led to believe you have something to offer for our goodwill, Sir Maxwell?” A tapped on the table.
“O-oh, that is correct. Forgive me, it’s just been so long since I’ve seen something so.. And in such pristine condition…” he shook his head. “No matter. Get them the bag - the big one.”
One of Maxwell’s guards headed outside while the man kept inspecting the cube. I silently looked around at the situation since boredom began taking hold of me. Alphonso was just making small talk with Maxwell, and the mysterious man in black remained in place, looking as cool as he was from the start. ‘I wonder if I could ask him for tips.’
Thankfully, we didn’t need to wait too long as the bag dropped on the table and the guard smoothly unzipped it. I couldn’t help but gulp at the sheer amount of cash inside, and I even spotted A looking befuddled before schooling his expression and peering at Maxwell.
“That’s the promised 250k?”
“350. You’ve promised me an item that I greatly desired and delivered it in a timely manner. I can excuse the shoddy location, and consider this as a sign of my goodwill. Maybe next time you’d pick a better place for our deals if you do find another like this, hmm?”
“Your goodwill is appreciated, and we will be sure to let you know of any similar findings.”
Silently, the two men firmly shook hands, then the cube was deposited back in its suitcase, and Maxwell and his thugs departed.
I nervously waited for someone to speak a word, but silence remained for too long. Just as soon as I opened my mouth, Alphonso spoke. “Lick, you lucky sonuvabitch.”
“What?”
“Fucking hell,” B huffed out, his mean face fading into one of giddiness. “Look at this cash!”
“Hope you didn’t forget our agreement,” the man in black spoke, and Alphonso grinned.
“Oh, I haven’t. Grab the counter.”
The basement bustled as we began counting the cash, the number in the machine going up with each wad of green. Minutes passed, hearts began pumping more and more, and we were finally done.
“10%, which means 35k as promised,” Alphonso handed the number to the man in black.
“Good knowing you, gentlemen. Don’t forget to call me next time something like this pops up.”
“Havin’ the infamous Silver by our side will always make me feel safe.”
With a salute, the man in black took off, and we were left with 315k on the table.
“Damn.” I spoke.
“Damn,” the two echoed.
---
Instead of walking out with a whole 105 thousand cash in my pockets, Alphonso handed me just 5k and told me to buy a better phone than my brick, then wait for him to contact me with details on how I’d be able to get the rest without worrying about the tax collectors.
Truthfully, I was a tad disappointed, but seeing Bango nod and walk out with his own 5k made me less hesitant in trusting Alphonso and following his instructions.
As soon as I was out of the building, the Villainous System announced something that made me whisper scream out of jubilance. “Yes!”
[Congratulations. You have acquired 5000 Bling.]
I felt my breath shudder as I immediately jumped into the shopping window. My target? Superpowers.
[Shop: Superpowers:-
Cruel Animal Speech : 5000 Bling
Endless Glare : 8500 Bling
Flop : 10000 Bling
Sniper Spit : 15000 Bling]
My legs wavered, and my knees trembled. I nearly collapsed then and there, the options in front of my eyes shattering my hopes of gaining a useful power this early into my career. Maybe I was wrong, I said to myself. Maybe these were useful. So I asked the System, and it explained as follows:
Cruel Animal Speech allows animals to understand what I’m saying, but I won’t be able to understand them, nor would they be compelled to follow my commands in any capacity. The pain!
Endless Glare made it so that my eyes wouldn’t need to blink anymore, so, if needs be, I could win any staring contest in the galaxy. My heart!
Flop meant I could make an object floppy after saying a horrid phrase. I’d only ever want this if I wanted to target someone with permanent ED.
Sniper Spit was arguably the most useful of them, and also the most costly, but useful is probably very arguable in of itself. In essence, wherever I’d aim to spit, I’d hit it as long as it isn’t within a ridiculous distance. That’s it.
The horror! I gulped and shiveringly scrolled downward. The more expensive powers surely would be of more use, wouldn’t they?
[Shop: Superpowers:-
Muscles of Doom : 75000 Bling
Hare’s Bane : 85000 Bling
Flash! : 100000 Bling
L0ck H4t3r : 133337 Bling]
I closed the tab, took a deep breath, then headed where the map noted down the place Alphonso suggested I get my new phone. At that point, I was better off getting that phone and maybe buying a couple more attributes. 10 more Brawn sounded incredibly good, though if I’m going to get a phone, I could also get a high quality laptop..
Brains began sounding a lot more tempting.
When my stomach grumbled at the near 14 hours of dieting I was on, I decided to treat myself to a snack at a restaurant on the way. “Big T’s” was its name, something I questioned the cashier on after my order was placed.
“Oh, the name? Big stands for big, and T stands for Tasty. It’s nice, no?” said the woman.
“I, Limbo Jimbo, will be the judge of that.”
“Sure, sure. One big tasty special for Limbo Jimbo coming right up!” she giggled as I gave her my winning smile before claiming my table.
As I waited for my food, I fiddled with the System, the 5000 Money (decidedly not Bling) burning a hole in my imaginary wallet. With that much I could get 10 Brawn or 6 Brain, or two Spirit, but who cared about Spirit when my only options were ‘Flop’ or something. I tried to imagine my future self, to see what I would look like.
Was I the man with the invincible body? The unstoppable force and immovable object all in one? I could see myself clashing with Superheroes, facing fire, lightning, and magic, and batting them all away with one swipe as I break the sound barrier, sonic booms following the wake of each of my steps.
Or was I the man with the intellect to calculate the universe? I’d stand atop a mountain, each villain and hero alike falling at each step in droves, my superior brain having already calculated each and every move they were, are, and will be making. If one even tries to touch me, an army of drones and super futuristic weapons at my beck and call would obliterate them while I raked in all the cash.
I salivated at both scenarios, to the point where I could smell victory from where I was sitting.
“Here you go, sir. One Big Tasty Special for Limbo Jimbo.”
Stumbling out of my dreams, I began digging into the burger since my stomach made it clear that it wouldn’t allow me to think more if it wasn’t satiated. What I was able to do while eating, however, was use those 5000 Money and stick them equally into Brains and Brawn, with 4 and 4 into each, 3000 and 2000 respectively, raising them up to 21 Brains and 23 Brawn.
‘After all,’ I licked my lips as I took in the last bites of this meal. ‘Why should I choose when I can have both?’
