TOP SECRET

  Department of Tearing Mishap Management

  Incident Report Collection: Volume XXIII

  URGENT REMINDER:

  Smartphones are NOT powered by magic. Please stop trying to charge them with "pure energy." The Apple Store is getting suspicious.

  INCIDENT REPORT #247: THE STARBUCKS CATASTROPHE

  Note from Response Team: "Can we PLEASE stop giving Earthworkers espresso? This is the third 'sinking building' incident this month."

  TECHNOLOGICAL ADAPTATION GUIDELINES

  INCIDENT REPORT #382: THE DMV DEBACLE

  ?? SOCIAL MEDIA PROTOCOL VIOLATION ALERT ??

  The following platforms require IMMEDIATE attention:

  INCIDENT REPORT #567: THE ZOOM CATASTROPHE

  IT Department Note: "Please stop blaming Mercury retrograde for sphaeram accidents in tech support tickets."

  ELEVATOR INCIDENT #419: PHILOSOPHICAL CRISIS

  Excerpts from Sentient Elevator's Journal:

  "Day 1: What is up? What is down? Are these merely constructs of human perception?"

  You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

  "Day 3: If I move between floors, am I still the same elevator?"

  "Day 7: Do humans use me, or do I use humans to fulfill my purpose?"

  Maintenance Cost Report:

  DATING APP ADVISORY

  FINAL NOTICE FROM DEPARTMENT CHIEF

  Remember fellow Tearings:

  1. Slugs will explain away most sphaeram incidents with "Must be CGI"

  2. TikTok is simultaneously our greatest cover and biggest threat

  3. "The internet was glitching" is becoming an overused excuse

  4. Stop using sunderglyphs at Disney World - Mickey is getting suspicious

  Emergency Contact:

  "Magical" Mishap Hotline: Just think really hard about needing help - we'll know.

  Document Ends

  Classification: Humorous But Actually Quite Serious

  Approved by: Department of Keeping Magic Under Wraps Tearing Secrecy

  Date: [REDACTED]