Chen Ergou came to the SD bar again and found Gu Ju waiting for him with a group of familiar faces at Henglong Square, saying thanks to him. Chen Ergou thought in his heart that if he really wanted to thank him, he would directly hand over a stack of cash, but on his face, he smiled brightly and said some polite words. Even Gu Ju and the others noticed the insincerity behind it, obviously this Chen Ergou had no intention of making friends or currying favor with them. This actually made Gu Ju, who didn't bring Zhang Xiaoxiao to the bar, feel relieved. He was really afraid that Chen Ergou would make a big deal out of this matter and take advantage of it. The reason they came to the bar was just that a few hot-blooded brothers with feudal ideas wanted to come and pay their respects to a superior person. After a big feast on Xiao Yao's bill, everyone dispersed.

  Those second-generation rich kids who were infatuated with wealth and status lost interest after learning that Chen Erduo had joined the army. The girls also didn't discover any extraordinary qualities about Chen Erduo after chatting, so they too lost interest in getting involved with him. If only Chen Erduo was the kind of smooth-talking charmer who could effortlessly charm women like Zhang Xixi, a rich and beautiful girl, it wouldn't be difficult for him to seduce one or two of them at M2 bar.

  However, a young man eventually returned to the bar and specifically looked for Chen Ergou. Chen Ergou remembered him from when Wang Jiefang was flipped over by Xiongzi at Henglong Square Bar, flying far away, and none of Gu Ju's gang dared to lend a hand, except for this person who stood up and helped Wang Jiefang get back on his feet. Earlier, while drinking, he had been the most aggressive one. His name was Gao Xiang, also known as Xiao Mei, which was somewhat effeminate. Seeing Gao Xiang, Chen Ergou didn't use brute force like he did with Gu Ju's gang, but instead invited him to drink a bottle of beer.

  "Brother Dog, I'm different from them. I know they actually look down on you, and deep down, you also look down on them." Gao Xiang spoke with conviction, directly drawing a line between himself and Gu Jue.

  "They look down on me, but I don't look down on them. My eyes are red from anger. They spend money like water, taking out thousands of yuan without batting an eye, and they're surrounded by beautiful girls. I wouldn't dare to despise such a luxurious life. Little Mei, I know you're different from them, but don't put me too high up either." Chen Ergou tossed a cigarette to Gao Xiang, finally speaking some true words.

  "Brother Dog, would you mind if I hung out with you?" Xiaomei asked nervously. It was hard to imagine that Gu Yu, a second-rate young master from Shanghai's upper class, would humble himself and speak in a low voice to Chen Erdou. Gu Yu and Zhang Xixi always had to look down on him.

  "Want to mix with the rich and powerful?" Chen Ergou asked with a smile, speaking directly and straightforwardly without any twists or turns.

  "Alright, alright, I'll listen to you. If I hang out with you, it's definitely not wrong. This is what I call grasping the main contradiction." Gao Xiang laughed, his face although not as elegant as Gu Yu's, but much more sincere. Chen Er Dog looked at this face and felt a bit dazed. In the past, during his middle school days, he thought that the children of village heads and town heads were extremely cunning. When Chen Er Dog interacted with these people, he always felt that every word and every sentence they spoke had an unspoken deep meaning. However, after arriving in Shanghai, experiencing several chaotic events, and coming into contact with some unusual women, seeing some big and small young masters and second-generation rich kids, Chen Er Dog discovered that he had also gained a bit of confidence to stand up straight and speak his mind.

  Why hunch over and refuse to leave for others?

  The crazy old man had said it before, once you enter the mountain, you're entering the territory of beasts, especially when encountering big beasts. Don't rush to turn your back on them, that's suicide. You have to bow your head and wait for an opportunity to move, this may be a weakling's behavior, but survival is more important than dignity.

  "It's better to live a life of shame than to die a heroic death." Chen Ergou repeated the old man's favorite phrase.

  The inexplicable Gao Xiang was not good at talking, and could only let Chen Er Gou sink into deep thought. The latter was burned by the cigarette smoke between his fingers, finally came back to himself, and smiled: "Tell me about yourself, since you want to follow me around, I should at least have a general understanding of you."

  "Me?"

  It seems that High翔 was taken aback, and after ordering another bottle of beer, he took a sip and said: "I'm from Beijing, and you can tell from my accent. My family has some connections, and when it comes to official ranks, the old men in charge have to address my relatives as superiors. But because we're in Beijing, there are many high-ranking officials who don't actually hold any real power, just empty titles. There are many useless high-ranking officials, and their children and relatives are even more numerous. My family and our friends and relatives are unfortunately among this group. I often run into the sons-in-law of certain high-ranking officials or the children of certain department heads on public transportation. In short, I've never met a powerful official in my life, despite living for over 20 years. Beijing is too big, and the circles above us are impossible to penetrate, no matter how hard our parents try. It's said that 'dragons beget dragons, phoenixes beget phoenixes, and mice beget mice,' but we're just a bunch of mice who can only dig holes. By the time it got to our generation, there was even less hope. When I occasionally see news reports about high-ranking officials' children causing trouble and getting away with it, I think to myself that if I could join their ranks and indulge in corruption and decadence together, I'd definitely do it. Later, after eating my fill of bitter melon and suffering a few small setbacks, I finally understood where I stood. That's when I came to Shanghai for university and befriended people like 顾炬 (Gu Yu). We could only do things that were superficially impressive, not anything truly meaningful. Originally, there was someone who got along well with us, but after his dad fell from power and owed a huge debt, he killed himself. He had borrowed 4,000 yuan from us, but no one was willing to lend it to him. In reality, 4,000 wasn't a lot of money, not at all. If his dad hadn't fallen, 40,000 wouldn't have been a problem either. Of course, to be honest, I didn't lend him the money either - I didn't have the spare cash, and I didn't want to lend it to him. This society is like that - who's going to sympathize with someone else's difficulties when they're already full and idle?"

  "You don't have any sense of loyalty, and you still want to mix with me in this line?" Chen Ergou asked with a smile, his tone neither hot nor cold.

  "Brother, the era of stabbing each other in the back is long gone. Not stabbing each other in the back is already a good thing. The brotherly love in gangster movies is just nonsense. I don't believe anyone would be willing to take a 20-30 year prison sentence for their boss, nor do I believe anyone would entrust their entire family's lives to someone else. Nowadays, gangs are all about money and interests, dividing the spoils like buying and selling in a vegetable market. At least that's what I've seen." Although Gao Xiang's words were unpleasant, they were at least heartfelt.

  "Xiao Mei, you're too kind to me, this small temple can't hold me, I don't dare to be your big brother. Since you're willing to tell me the truth, I'll also tell you something sincere, I have no money, and this place is a completely clean and honest government office, there's no power or influence to protect you, if something happens, it really needs just a few guns to resist, you can't handle it, if you run away, I'll be disappointed in you, if you don't run and rush up, accidentally getting killed, I won't be able to face your parents. So don't hurry to show your loyalty to me, you can come to SD bar often, when your head cools down, consider this matter again." Chen Er Gou said softly, although he hadn't been in Shanghai for long, but after all, he had experienced some things that he wouldn't have encountered in his entire life in Zhangjia Village, he was like a sponge, absorbing the unique style of this city with all his might.

  Xiao Mei, who was slightly unwilling, finally nodded her head. After reading books for over a decade and socializing with the older generation of officials for more than 20 years, she still had some patience left.

  There was a Wang Hu who remained to accompany Xiao Yao, Chen Er Gou wasn't afraid of her being bullied. He heard that Xiao Mei's Snooker skills were not bad, so he pulled him to the second floor billiard room. Perhaps it was his hands that dissected the mountain and jumped, also paying attention to the force and cleverness. Playing billiards made rapid progress, until Xiao Yao got off work, pulling Xiao Mei, Wang Hu remaining, and Wang Jiefang together to eat a midnight snack at a large stall near Xiao Yao's apartment. Then Chen Er Gou came alone to Ah Mei restaurant and sat for a while, chatting with the boss about family matters. The boss was a very introverted man who couldn't lift his head in front of his wife. For half a year, the biggest pleasure was just chatting with Er Gou. Now that Chen Er Gou had resigned, he felt lonely and empty, so when he saw Chen Er Gou, he was happy, personally cooking several small dishes, chatting for two hours. After Boss's wife scolded him, the boss smiled and went upstairs to serve his wife. This man, who was considered worthless by everyone, got 10% of his self-esteem from opening Ah Mei restaurant, 20% from his two children who were still quite promising, and the remaining 60% all came from that thing under his crotch.

  No wonder people say that the boss's wife got close to the boss because of an incident when the young boss was drunk and had a beastly outburst in a dark alley, mistaking the boss's wife for someone else and doing that kind of thing with her, and it wasn't just once. In the end, it was actually the boss's wife who took control, and Chen Ergou thought to himself that even if you add up the two bosses, they might not be able to overpower the boss's wife. Who knows who bullied whom that night? With a sly smile on his face, Chen Ergou arrived at Sun Dajie's house, where Cao Jingjian would occasionally go to clean and lie down in the purple bamboo chair, feeling like a superior being.

  The door was ajar, which surprised Chen Ergou. He instinctively thought he had been robbed and hastily pushed open the door, but felt an inexplicable gust of cold wind. This wasn't an unfounded sense of foreboding; after being stalked by beasts in the mountains, one would develop a premonition of doom. Having been in danger many times, a person indeed develops an extraordinary instinct. Chen Ergou pushed open the door and immediately retreated, but was still caught by a powerful arm that grabbed his collar, pulling him back with a sudden jerk, followed by a knee strike to his abdomen. His body didn't have time to double over in pain before being pinned against the wall by a thick arm around his neck. He couldn't even speak, only staring at the face in front of him, which was barely visible in the dim light. It was a man with a shaved head, no eyebrows, and eyes like a viper - ferocious and sinister. This kind of person would be best described as evil incarnate.

  The streetlight shone through the window, and the purple bamboo rocking chair swayed gently. Chen Ergou could only see one hand with difficulty, a slender white hand, very beautiful and delicate, like it was carved from ivory. A red string was tied around the wrist, and at the end of the string hung an ancient gourd-shaped wine jug, which was a pale blue-green color, like the color of a sword-wielding warrior's robe. The green jug floated in mid-air several inches away from the snowy white wrist.

  A clear and elegant voice hummed a tune that Old Man Sun used to love humming when he was alive.

  Three Springs Bamboo Leaf Wine, One Tune of Kunqu Zither

  It was a woman's voice when she said "got it".

  Chen Ergou suddenly remembered a legendary woman from Shanghai, whom men respectfully referred to as Zhu Ye Qing with a mix of fear and hatred, only knowing that her surname was Huangfu.

  The woman lying on the rattan chair suddenly poked out her head, gave Chen Ergou a gentle smile, and Chen Ergou was very curious why he didn't notice her face, but only stared at the crimson lip print, like the most moving high-quality lipstick, bright red as blood.

  "I came here just to find a diary that a little kid lost."

  The woman carrying a jug of wine looked at Chen Ergou with a cold and clear gaze, smiling softly and saying, "Look at me again, and your eyes will go blind."

  Bamboo leaves green, rouge red.

  The red thread on his hand was identical to the one on Chen Ergou's hand.

  ————————

  April 1, 1985 torrential rain in Beijing

  Today is my third birthday, and my dad gave me a notebook. He said, "A gentleman reflects on himself three times a day, but for us small people, reflecting once a day is enough." So he asked me to start writing a diary from today, recording all the mistakes I made that day. I don't know what a gentleman is, but I know what it means to be a small person. Because my dad likes to eat braised pork, but he can't afford it and even if he buys some, he's reluctant to eat it. Every time, like today, he just watches me eat. Actually, I didn't tell Dad that I don't like eating meat, but I have to pretend to love it. The specific reason is unclear, I'm still young and a naive child.

  Dad, was I born from your belly? Why do other kids have a mom?

  June 1st, 1987 Tianjin Clear Sky

  Dad, today someone said I'm an unwanted wild child again and scolded me as a wild breed. I don't want to go to kindergarten, I think the kids in kindergarten are stupid, they even need teachers to help them use the toilet. There aren't many who can count Arabic numerals from 1 to 100, but I can already count up to one hundred in English and French. I also don't understand what those little red flowers mean, Dad you said something is either valuable or has a price, if it's neither then it's trash, I think the little red flowers are that kind of thing.

  But, Dad, I also want to know, without Mom, am I like Xiaohonghua, a useless thing?

  February 25, 1988 Heavy snowfall in Suzhou

  I woke up at 5 am and went for a morning run with Dad. At 6:30, I had breakfast. Then I practiced guqin for two hours and piano for another two hours. At 11:30, I had lunch. After that, I practiced calligraphy for an hour. Then Dad said something I didn't understand - "One stretch, one shrink, the way of literature and martial arts". He then took me out to build a snowman. Dad watched as I built two snowmen, one big and one small, and asked me why there were only two. I told him that in my world, having just Dad was enough and didn't need anyone else, like Mom or something. Then Dad started crying, and I don't know why. Did I do something wrong? This is the first time I've seen Dad cry so sadly. Although I know men shouldn't easily show their tears, I think even if a man cries, he's still a real man. That's what Dad is like. So I helped him wipe away his tears and told him not to cry, Dad.

  At that time I had a feeling of tears streaming down, but still held back, I was a silly child, can't be a weak child, or else Dad would worry more.

  July 12, 1989 Rainy Suzhou

  Last birthday, my dad gave me a pair of little white rabbits. I loved them and raised them until today when they are about to have babies. At night, my dad handed me a knife and told me to cut their throats. I was confused, heartbroken, and wanted to cry. For the first time, I thought of disobeying my dad's will. But my dad, puffing on his cigarette, said that if one can't throw away everything unnecessary within 30 seconds, they are destined to be abandoned by life. I remembered the scene a few days ago when I helped my dad pull out his white hair but found more and more of it growing back. So, I personally killed "Huihui" and "Yuanyuan". This time, I still didn't cry because compared to my dad, they were indeed dispensable.

  I secretly buried them in the hill behind and didn't plan on visiting again.

  March 2nd, 1990, sunshine all over Nanjing

  Today, according to Dad's lesson plan "Sigh Language", there is a sentence that makes sense: "Forgive the heart to the extreme, and there is no sin in the world". Among the gods and Buddhas, I like Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva the most. Perhaps this sentence can explain why this Bodhisattva who vowed not to become a Buddha until all hells are empty is willing to stay in hell. When Dad saw me writing this sentence with a brush pen, he told me that for people, pretending to be very tolerant of others is actually one's own incompetence, because they dare not hurt others and weakly explain it as forgiveness. I wanted to explain, but didn't know what to say, maybe Dad was right after all.

  September 1, 1990 torrential rain in Nanjing

  Today is the first day of school, I'm in primary one, it's a very boring thing.

  My father who went to Daxiong Valley with friends for tea told me to go to school by myself and only said one sentence, be an ordinary child.

  I kept thinking, what counts as ordinary, for example, not letting my peers know that I can already converse with people in English, French and German? For example, not letting teachers know that I have already come into contact with books like "A History of Christianity" and "A Brief History of Literature"? I don't understand why the children sitting there are gazing at their teacher with a look of adoration. A morality that is only for one's own satisfaction is not enough to be called morality, such as saving someone, if you do it because saving people can bring you a sense of morality, then that's not morality, but rather a hidden form of fame and gain. I forgot who said this, but I think it makes a lot of sense, so I still haven't seen any truly moral people to this day.

  Back home, my dad brought back a plastic human model with meridians drawn on it and asked me to memorize all the acupoints and bone structures. I didn't know what this was for. Then he handed me a small knife-like object and told me to carry it with me at all times. Along with that, he gave me a copy of "Huangdi Neijing". Holding the book and the "small knife", I felt confused. My dad's final words were: For a woman, the most fundamental difference in the game with men lies not in intelligence or emotional quotient, but in physical strength. You must learn to protect your own body if you want to be strong.

  April 1st, 1991, overcast and rainy in Nanjing

  I don't know why, but it always rains on my birthday. Actually, I'm really not a child who likes to cry.

  If there's ever a day when I cry in front of someone, I'll just say "it's just water in my eye".

  March 12, 1992, overcast and sentimental in Hangzhou

  I don't know why, but I feel like Dad has changed. Actually, all these years no matter how much hardship he endured, no matter how many obscure and dark social theories he instilled in me, at his core, Dad is an optimistic person. But now every time he goes out, it makes me very worried. Since I was young, I've never been afraid of anything except waiting. When waiting for Dad, I would foolishly imagine all sorts of disastrous scenarios, and this feeling is really unbearable. Now even more so, and I also discovered that Dad seems to have money now. He said starting from this year, he will save a large sum of money for me every year.

  I don't like this, cheerful dad seems to be gambling, and the stakes seem to be something he can't afford to lose. What is it? I don't understand, because I'm still a kid, not really grown up.

  So I had no choice but to ask what saving money is for.

  Dad burst out laughing and said it was my dowry, laughing like a kid.

  I remain silent, is my man dead or has he not been born yet?

  June 20th, 1993, sunny and bright in Hangzhou

  I've killed again, two this time, it's not the first time and won't be the last.

  Dad, don't worry about me. Doing this is just like when I learned to play the piano, guqin and write calligraphy as a kid - I'll get fully used to it very quickly.

  April 1st, 1994, overcast and rainy in Hangzhou

  My mother's death was because of giving birth to me. Some people are born as a mistake, and I am one of them.

  December 23, 1996 gloomy Shanghai

  Dad took me to an old man's house, seemingly called Sun Mengyao. Dad didn't say anything, but I knew something was wrong and it was a big deal. I know everyone will die, Dad is like that, so am I, and also the mom who died in labor giving birth to me. But I don't want Dad to leave me behind like Mom did. I know once you leave, you won't come back. I didn't dare cry, afraid you wouldn't leave with a peaceful mind, thinking I'm still just a kid.

  I'm finally almost sixteen, on my birthday this year you gave me a box of rouge and said that from now on whenever I see someone who qualifies as your son-in-law, I should carefully apply it. I think it's not right, in the future if I want to kill someone, I can just wipe some off, the rouge and blood are really similar after all. Today is my last diary entry, I should be a grown-up now.

  Dad, take care.