I can't sleep. Inside, the husband candidate imposed on me by my family is sleeping. Meanwhile, the man who will be my husband is nowhere to be seen. I don't know where he's going, what he's doing. I don't want to leave my room. I feel blocked, like I'm near the end of the road. Because I've been abandoned. The idiot inside doesn't believe in the reality of my marriage, and he's not wrong. After all, a married woman has her husband with her. A married woman doesn't have two separate bedrooms in her house. A married woman knows where her husband is. She knows why he's gone. I have none of that. I can't even convince myself to convince others. Frankly, I'm pathetic. I can't even go out in case someone we know sees me on the street and realizes I'm not with Ezra. I'm glad I'm an introvert so loneliness doesn't bother me so much. As if it wasn't enough that I've locked myself in the house, I feel like I've made Ahmet a nuisance of myself.

  I toss and turn in bed, I have to pee so badly. If I leave the room and he's not asleep, we'll have to talk again. I mean, I should at least say something, right? I can't take it. I gotta pee. I tiptoe in quick little steps and as I pass through my room I see that the couch is empty. The blanket I gave him to cover himself with is folded and left on the pillow. There is a crumpled piece of paper on the couch. I pick it up and run to the bathroom. I can read while I pee, right?

  " Meryem, I had no right to come here and attempt to disrupt the order you had established. I shouldn't have been a coward in the first place. Either I should have gone against our families or I should have broken my own order and tried to get to know you. But I didn't dare to do either. You deserve to live the future you dreamed of for yourself. Goodbye."

  - Ahmet.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when I read the note. It's over. He must have reflected on his waking ramblings and realized he was wrong.

  As I walk out of the bathroom with the note in my hand, I see a silhouette in the dark. He's in the kitchen, his back to me. My heart is beating like it's going to burst through my rib cage. I grab the nearest hard object, hold my breath and walk towards the silhouette. I take a few steps and one step before I reach him, he turns around. I let out a scream as he turns around and I lift the object in the air and he grabs my arm. When he takes a step towards me with my wrist in his hand, I smell the familiar scent of perfume.

  "Ezra..."

  He reaches for the light switch on the wall by the counter. He turns on the light.

  "Hey, is this how you welcome your husband?"

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  He looks at my wrist, still in his hand. He has this stupid clown grin on his face.

  My head is a little above chest level. My heart is still pounding. I don't answer. I don't want to talk to him. I'm so angry with him. Maybe I have no right, I know. I don't say anything, I just try to free my wrist. He lets go of my wrist.

  "I see, you're really cross with me, but please don't punish me with silence."

  I bow my head, I take a breath, I put a fake smile on my face, I lift my head.

  "Ezra, don't be ridiculous. Our relationship is already like this. You don't owe me an explanation. I don't owe you a smile. But we should start organizing the house like we're married. Now that you're here, we can make time for that."

  He raises his hands in surrender. "Fine, I deserve it."

  "Yes, that's what you said when you proposed to me. There are some things I need to learn from you to make marriage work. We'll talk in the morning."

  As I turn around and go to my room, he calls out, "Is there anything I need to know, Meryem? Maybe a guest or something?"

  The coldness in his voice freezes my steps. I look in the direction he is looking, at the couch.

  "No, nothing important," I say coldly. I go to my room and lean against the door.

  I release my tears. I allow myself to experience the pain of missing and not being able to hug.

  "On paper you are me, but not really. Even the kind words you say to me at the wrong time leave wounds in my heart. Even the sarcastic words you say to me in good times heal a part of me. Is this what it's like to be with you? Is it an imbalance full of heartbreaks and flowers blooming from the same heartbreaks? Can I talk to you about it? You seem to understand the pain I feel the best, you seem to console me the best. But at the same time, you are the cause of this pain. You're my only friend here, but I'm so in love with you that it's hard to be friends. Yes, I admit it now. I'm in love with you. It's impossible for me to tell you. Being with you is as close as possible and as impossible. It's painful to have so many contrasts in you. I'd like to know you better and find a solution to all this imbalance. I would like to heal you and I would like you to heal me..."

  As I write, I see my tears diminish. When I feel I have nothing more to write, I close my notebook and put it away. I go to bed sniffling.

  Midnights are always like this in this house. Emotions are always on the edge. I cry, get drunk, laugh, dance...

  Thoughts dance chaotically in my brain every night. Would I have done it again if I knew my life would be shaped like this? Would I still have run away if I knew I would fall into the arms of a seemingly impossible love? Or would it really be better to marry Ahmet and live a more stable life doing my profession? Or will this mess I'm in be worth it one day? Or was it worth getting to know Ezra after all?

  I curl up into a ball, giving myself the affection I need, as always, I've never had the right to lean on anyone else. I can't expect the stranger inside to give it to me now. Whatever needs to happen, I will do it myself. I will bear all the burden.

  That's the way it's always been.