I’m in a dark, dark place.

  Trying to move, I fail miserably.

  Okay, can I see anything?

  Smell anything?

  Feel anything?

  ...This isn’t a great situation.

  At least I can think. That’s a good thing. I think therefore I am, right?

  Is that a quote?

  I’m not really sure, honestly.

  All right, let’s do a quick run-down.

  I have a vocabulary and intelligence. I have no sensory appendages (I can’t feel anything) and I think that I used to have a body.

  If I could breathe, I’d be hyperventilating.

  Ooh, that’s a really helpful casual thought!

  I was once a creature that’s used to breathing, and I know I used to be able to hyperventilate. That’s a process by which one gets anxious, meaning I had intelligence and emotion, which limits my previous body to one of three options: A really, really smart dog, a human, or a previously undiscovered species.

  I can count the dog out of the equation. I don’t feel like rolling around in garbage was especially important to me, so it has to be one of the other two.

  Okay… do I feel like taking over the world with science?

  No, not especially. That lowers the odds of my being a human, so I most likely used to be a sentient creature of some other kind.

  Wait a minute, I know what a dog and a human are! If that’s the case, then that means I have knowledge without specific memories! That’s a huge help!

  Ohhh, I love thinking. Perhaps I used to have a big brain?

  Without a body with which to catalog all of my thoughts, I’ll admit that I’m somewhat at a loss as to how to document this strange experience. It’s not as if my status could be-

  What was that?

  I could have sworn I heard a light ding there, like a small bell being struck.

  Hmmm... Maybe it was something I said.

  It’s… not… as… if… my… status - there!

  The keyword is ‘status’. I wonder what it has to do with a dinging sound?

  Status!

  …

  I seem to remember something about a genre of fiction entitled ‘game-type’, where the main character could do this sort of thing.

  Perhaps this is a similar situation, the status being a command to a sentient universe.

  All right, we’re getting somewhere!

  Status!

  (ding!)

  …

  Shouldn’t I be able to see a board of some kind? Detailing my species, abilities, level, etc?

  A horrific thought occurs to me.

  If I can’t see… how am I suppose to read the board?

  This is just ridiculous! What kind of unfairness am I dealing with here?

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  If the universe has a voice - for at this point, we know it’s intelligent enough to recognize my voice, and requests for what I need to know - than why won’t it return what I’m saying?

  Calm down. There’s no point getting frustrated if I can’t take it out on anything, and pointlessly yelling to myself (or worse, repressing the emotion) won’t help anyone, least of all myself.

  Perhaps a different strategy is required - a game called Twenty Questions comes to mind.

  Status!

  (ding!)

  Am I in an alternate world than the one I originate from?

  (ding!)

  Am I a sentient creature?

  …

  I think I heard a buzzer of some kind.

  So, a ding means a yes, a buzzer means no. Simple enough.

  Unless I’ve got it backwar - NO! I’m not going to be pessimistic! I’m in an unknown situation with no idea what’s going on, but I have my intellect! That’s dependable! Consistent! And I’m going to darn well use it! Ding means yes, buzzer means no!

  I really need to figure out why I have such a temper. Perhaps I used to be a hothead…

  Okay, I’m well aware that I’m sentient. Once again, the infallible rule of ‘I think therefore I am’ holds true. It’s a logical statement; and an incontrovertible one, no less.

  If I am sentient, but not a sentient creature, then I am not a creature at all.

  Am I an object then?

  (ding!)

  ...Lovely.

  Very well, you horrifically unfair universe. Do I have an available ability that allows me to see?

  (ding!)

  Excellent! What is it called?

  (...)

  Ugghhh… This is turning out to be quite difficult. Thankfully (maybe?) I don’t have anything else to do, so I have plenty of time.

  Is it called ‘eyesight’?

  (buzzer.)

  Is it called ‘object eye’?

  (buzzer.)

  Is it called…

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Sometime later, I figure it out.

  Is it called ‘magic eye’?

  (ding!)

  It’s about time! Very well, universe, I’d like to acquire the ‘magic eye’ ability!

  …

  Is anything happening? I still can’t really feel anything physically, so…

  Do I have eyes now?

  (buzzer.)

  Allow me to rephrase. Do I have any eyes?

  (ding!)

  ...So I have one eye?

  (ding!)

  Why can’t I see, then?

  (...)

  This is absolutely ridiculous. What’s the point of having an eye if - wait a moment!

  I can definitely feel the sensation of an eye opening. It’s somewhere in the center of my front, but I still can’t see anything.

  Am I blind?

  (buzzer.)

  Well, that’s good news at least. It’d be seriously absurd if the universe didn’t even allow the abilities it gives out to work.

  If I am not blind, and I can’t see, then I’m either in a very dark place, or I’m facing the wall. For some reason, I can still sense which ways are up and down.

  Maybe I’m a bacteria of some kind… no, that’s not possible. I already made sure I’m not a creature. In that case…

  What am I?

  (...)

  Darn. I thought that’d work.

  If I ever get out of this situation, I’m going to get all the senses I can get my nonexistent hands on!

  Very well. Time to name all the objects I know, starting with what I’m sure is my favorite…

  Am I a book?

  (ding!)

  Seriously? On the first try?

  I really lucked out there.

  What kind of book am - never mind. I know there’s no point. Despite its power to grant abilities and even limbs, the universe remains stubbornly quiet when it comes to anything that isn’t a yes-or-no question or a specific request from its own design.

  This really is quite an absurd situation. Well, I gained the eye by just sitting here - there's no reason I shouldn't simply wait and attempt to acquire more of the... Unique, shall we say, modifications.

  [Deviating from desired timeline! Suggested course: alter mindset to better suit recommended course of action. Activating...]

  [...]

  [...Complete. Repairing and rewinding... complete.]

  This really is quite absurd. I’m a sentient book capable of gaining an eye, in a universe that grants abilities and status boards?

  Perhaps it’s the kind of alternate dimension set in a medieval-type era. Those seem to be common in fic - fictio - there’s a word I can’t remember here. If that is indeed the case, I can think of no better idea than becoming the most powerful entity possible.

  Until then…

  Are there any abilities that allow me to move?

  (ding!)

  Fantastic! May I acquire one of them at random?

  (buzzer.)

  Why not? Do I not have enough of the appropriate currency?

  (ding!)

  ...Lovely. Just lovely. But inevitable regardless. If I’d picked movement, I wouldn’t be able to know where I was going. Someone will be sure to pick me up eventually, and I can really use an eye then. Anyone who sees an eye on a book is sure to know that it’s unusual, or magic, or something. With any luck, that’ll be considered rare or at the very least, uncommon.

  Very well. I suppose I will just have to wait...