tent warningsslurs

  [colpse]Chapter 10: Names2024 March 20Wednesday> WELE TO #2023-intake on **Dorley Internal**> This el (like all els on Dorley Internal) should not be seen by outsiders. Alractice good opsec.> Special note: 2023 Intake Sponsors will tio have access to this el until the st member graduates. ??

  orHi everyone.

  CireBearor! or! or!

  JoeCire, it’s hard to believe sometimes that you’re the same person I met st October.

  CireBearI spent my whole life holding back, and now I’m fug doh it.

  orHell yeah.

  LaurenNow watch yuage you two, or Serena might get upset.

  Serena@Lauren I really don’t give a shit.

  Wait, Lauren. When did this happen?

  LaurenUh, just trying it out online. I’m not ready to use it irl.

  Joehuh

  CireBearYou’re online, Lauren? Any news from the outside world?

  LaurenYou know what I mean.

  2024 April 1MondayFor the fourth time ever, and the third time voluntarily, I have asded the stairs to Dorley Hall’s illustrious first basement. Like the st two times, I head across the hall from that room aer a rger room with some more doors leading to other spaces.

  There’s a cou here, along with several bean bag and more ventional chairs. I flop down in one of the bean bag chairs while holding a freshly cracked open bottle of water. Cire, Laurerying it out I-R-L now—and our three sponsors are here as well.

  After a minute of waiting, or enters with Tabby.

  “Hey or” I say.

  “Hey all,” or says.

  or has just entered his sed session of Group, the weekly opportunity for those in the know to discuss our progress, ask questions, and generally bitch about the program without w about revealing things to the others (now just Ethan and Tyler) or fag too much judgement from our sponsors.

  Beth told me they used to hold Group in the same on room where we spend most of our time, but then those out of the loop started asking annoying questions like, “Why are you log me in my room every Monday afternoon?”

  Of course, those in the loop sneaking upstairs instead led to other questions like, “Why are Cire and Lauren spending time together without the rest of us?”

  I’m gd I know the ao the tter question now.

  or takes a seat on another one of the bean bag chairs and cracks open his own water bottle. We’re ready to begin.

  “Wele all! My name’s Bethany, and I’ll be your moderator this week. Now, Pippa reended I bring a list of discussion topi order to, and I quote, ‘avoid the cluster-fluff that was 2019’s first few sessions’, but if anybody has anything in particur they’d like to talk about instead, that takes priority.”

  I slowly raise my hand and prepare to speak. “I have something in mind, actually.”

  Beth answers, “That’s wonderful Joe, because I didn’t actually prepare anything. What did you want to talk about?”

  Pippa pces the palm of her hand over her face.

  “Well,” I start, “I think I’m ready to work more seriously on the whole girl thing, but… not as Joe. I’d like to pick a new name first. How exactly… do you do that?”

  Cire nearly squeaks. “Joe! I’m so excited for you.”

  There’s a warm feeling in my stomach for some reason, and now Beth is looking at me funny.

  “Did you sider keeping it simple by going with Josephine?” or asks.

  “Fuo,” I respond.

  “Hey, watch yuage,” Serena says.

  Lauren chimes in. “I wish I had more to offer, but I just thought Lauren sounded nice.”

  “That’s really all there was to it?” I ask.

  “Uh huh,” says Lauren.

  Tabby adds, “My st girl went with her favorite sylble from her old name.”

  “Huh,” or says.

  I sit for a moment, trying to imagine how that would even work, but then Serena decides to tribute.

  She says, “My name has a bit more personal significe, and I’d be happy to expin if it helps”

  “Please,” I say.

  She starts, “Before I came here, I was always w about how I came across to others. The way I used to behave, it was like there was one unspoken rule, and God help you if you broke it. The rule was simple, really: don’t be a poof. Language, sorry.

  “But yeah, the one rule. It affects everything you do. How you walk, how you talk, how you sit. ’t even cross one leg over the other without thinking about how it es off…”

  “Or how much it hurts,” Beth says.

  “Right, but that’s not as much a for any of us anymore, is it? Oh, sain.”

  I look up at her and shrug.

  Serena tinues, “Anyway, my sponsor Ja reminding me how much better it is without the rule. Without having to keep up appearances with the uys. How you just be you, untroubled with what the boys think. Because they’re all fug stupid anyresent pany excluded, of course.

  “So, I picked my o aowledge that I was doh all the junk and that I could finally just be myself, whoever she is. I was finally at peace.”

  “That was lovely, Serena,” Beth says while wiping an eye.

  I ’t tell if Beth is being sincere or not, but then I’m not vinced Beth , either.

  “I picked mine for simir reasons,” Cire says. “I think it’s pretty self-expnatory.”

  “That and the niame Cire Bear is adorable,” adds or.

  Cire drops her voice back to where it was when I met her. “I’m gd somebody gets it.”

  I ’t believe I get to know these goofs.

  “How did you pick yours, Pippa?” Cire asks.

  Pippa answers, “or had the right idea ba October. When I finally started to accept the program, I got this idea in my head that I wao be a hirl. My sponsor Ellie suggested a hat matched, and by the time I took my first ride te in my sed year, I was too used to my o ge it again.”

  “So you don’t like horses after all?” or asks.

  “They’re fine in theory,” says Pippa, “but it turns out riding one scares the ess out of me.”

  “So what about you, Beth?” I ask.

  “Oh, well, I told you about Elizabeth, right?” Beth asks.

  I nod.

  Beth tinues. “She was the one person who gave a damn about me when I was in b school. I wao use her as a role model, but copying her name verbatim was almost too much, right, so I took my first name as Bethany to honor her without making it weird.

  “And then my middle name Erin. It sounds simir to, but not identical to my old name.”

  “What?” I ask. “If you’re suggesting what I think you are, they souly the same.”

  “No, they don’t,” says Beth.

  “Sure they do. Erin. Aar—“

  “Get on with it,” Tabby says.

  “Right, so I chose Erin to represent the crumb of the little shit I used to be that got to e along with the new me.”

  Little shit. I feel like I’ve heard her say that before.

  “Tabby?” I ask.

  I take a sip from my bottle, and Tabby starts to answer, “Oh, like some of the others, I thought…”

  I interrupt her by choking on my water.

  Between coughs, I sputter out, “God damn it, Beth!”

  “Huh?” she says.

  “A masturbation joke? Last year, you told me about a ‘little shit’ you used to date. Did I start questioning my entire perspective on queer people because you made a fug masturbation joke?!”

  Pippa gres at Beth while Serena shakes her head and Tabby rolls her eyes.

  “What?” Beth asks the other sponsors. “It worked, didn’t it?”

  2024 April 6Saturday“Thanks fetting here so quickly, Beth.”

  “Of course.”

  I seh a message asking to talk. I think she knows what I want to talk about, because she arrived within fifteen minutes carrying a big grin that makes her look like aed puppy.

  “Wait, before we start,” Beth says. “I feel like this is going to be a versatio had over hot chocote. Would you like some?”

  “Sure,” I say.

  Beth taps out a message on her phone, we make small talk for a few minutes, and then the light on the dumbwaiter turns green. Inside are two mugs of hot chocote each with a small mountain of marshmallows on top.

  Beth picks up a mug and rotates it so I see what’s written: Once a Prince, Always a Princess. There’s a rough bnk spot between the word Prind the a that suggests somebody ground away at the mug’s surface with a Dremel. My mug says, Uh-huh, I’m through with all these free-raoxic asshole boys like you / Oh yeah, I need a kidnapped forced-femmed Dorley basement girl like me.

  I point to my mug and say, “I don’t get it.”

  “You will and wish you didn’t within a week of moving upstairs. Though Christine will probably have smashed that mug to pieces by then.”

  “Christine is Paige’s fiancée, right? The one obsessed with operations security? You have to give me a list of people to know sometime.”

  We take a few sips of hot chocote, and theh says, “So…”

  “I’ve been thinking about names,” I say.

  “Yeah?”

  “And most of you had great meaningful reasons for pig yours. But what Lauren said resonated with me the most. What if I just want something that sounds nice?”

  “That’s pletely valid. It doesn’t have to be some graure. It just… be your name.”

  “Right. So I started thinking. What kind of girl names just sound good to me? What would I have liked to be called if I was born a girl? What would I go for if I were actually trans? I mean trans like Cire or your Steph.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “Where do girl names e from? What name would I like to hear spoken by others?”

  “What name would you like to hear spoken by Cire?”

  I’d always assumed flushed cheeks were just a thing in books or cartoons. I guess I was wrong.

  I tinue, “Anyway, I started thinking about these things, and a name popped into my head right away. And then it got stuck. It just feels so ridiculous, though, because it’s literally the first or sed thing I thought of.”

  “You always ge it ter.”

  “I don’t think I’ll want to, though.”

  Beth looks at me. She’s smiling, and her eyes are warm.

  “What?” I ask.

  “I’m just thinking about how far you’ve e. I’m proud of you, Sis.”

  “I ’t remember the st time somebody’s told me that.”

  I want to say more, but I ’t get any words out thanks to fresh tears running down my face. Beth holds me close, and by the time I’m done sobbing and sug up snot, the top of her dress is soaked.

  “Sorry,” I say. “I got your dress all wet.”

  “It’s alright. At least you weren’t wearing any makeup.”

  “…yet,” I say.

  Beth ughs.

  “Well…?” she says.

  Right, this is it.

  “Beth, it feels weird to say it out loud.”

  “You whisper it to me. It’s what I did with Maria and Steph when I picked mine.”

  “Yeah, OK. Sure.”

  I whisper a name, ah es in for an.

  2024 April 7Sunday“Beth, is all of this really necessary?” I ask.

  “You were the one who wao run the name by a few more sponsors. And once Paige Adams gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her.”

  I’m sitting in my room, fag away from the wardrobe and wearing a patterned dress. Paige is applying the finishing touches to my makeup.

  I say, “But it’s a little on the nose, don’t you think?”

  Paige smirks, but Beth says, “Hey, listen. If it’s too much or too fast, you go back to what you were wearing before for a while.”

  “No,” I say. “I’m tired of stalling… I think I’m ready when you are, Paige.”

  Paige stands tall, spends a moment cheg her work, and announces, “Done.”

  Beth moves my chair out of the way, and I quickly turn around to face my wardrobe. My dress twists bad forth for a moment. Huh, I guess what Cire said about skirts is true.

  I open the doors to the wardrobe and look into the mirrors they’re holding.

  It’s still me… but as a girl. I move my arms a bit, and she moves her arms. I bouny toes, and she bounces ooes. I shake my head, and I’ll just have to take it on faith that she shakes her head, because I ’t see anything while doing that.

  “Are you alright?” Beth asks.

  “I look… pretty.”

  “And is pretty OK?” she asks.

  “I think so, yeah.”

  I keep staring at myself for a few more minutes. I still ’t believe I’m doing this.

  Beth starts to ask, “Would you like a little more time to…”

  “No,” I say. “Let’s go.”

  The three of us take the short walk from my bedroom, to the main hallway, and up to the on room doors. Paige opens them, and I quietly step through.

  “Hey, y’all,” I say.

  or is the first to look at me. He does an actual double take and then eloquently states, “Oh! Wow. Just. Huh. You look amazing!”

  I must not be used to pliments, because I feel my blush returning.

  Lauren, currently trying out a much piner outfit of leggings and a green top, tells me I look nice.

  Ethan and Tyler both give me a simple thumbs up. I ’t wait to see what they get up to after they’re finally disclosed.

  Cire carefully looks me up and down before putting on a smile and saying, “The rest of them are right. You look great. But does the dress e with a name?”

  I look down at the rge red flowers decorating my waistline and then back up at Cire.

  “Yes, it does,” I say. “My name is Rose.”