tent warningsnone!

  [colpse]Chapter 8: Clothes2024 January 4ThursdayWe’ve all been handling the news of the sponsors’ pn in different ways.

  Maybe it has more to do with whatever happened in the cells, but Andrew is very quiet now. He’s stopped talking about the girls he used to date, and when I tried to extend an olive branch by pointing out the sweet looking patissière on the baking petition shoere watg, he barely responded.

  “Yeah, she’s cute I guess.”

  He was never hostile toward Serena from what I saw, but he almost seems deferential now.

  Meanwhile, or lost almost all of his trust for Tabby.

  He told me, “I’d vinced myself it was either stay safe in here or do something desperate out there. I just ime. But now she wants to ge my whole identity for no reason!”

  ao go all the way to December without being tased, but then he resisted his first iion after the annou.

  I asked if his opinion of me had ged as well.

  “Joe. I knew you had done wrong, but you were and are trying to do better. I don’t know anything about Tabby anymore.”

  In trast, Seb has somehow grown more attached to Pippa than he was before, something in plete opposition to what I expected. He’s been spending so much time talking to her in private this st week that I’m beginning to think he’s avoiding me. Hell, he probably is. He looked so afraid when Tabby was describing the i with Lily, but I ’t bring myself to think about what that may imply.

  I expected Ethan to eat Tyler alive a few months ago, but they’ve tio surprise me by growing even closer. I often see Maria and Paige chatting casually as if their charges be trusted to do half of their jobs for them.

  Finally, things have cooled betweeh and I, but all things sidered, we’re… fine. As good as one could expeyway. She even got me a present for Christmas: a copy of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks. In it, Sacks, a neurologist, describes the fasating case histories of some of his patients.

  I obviously feel betrayed by Beth’s months-loion and insane pn. But I was, borrowing some words from Tabby, a bigot who could not take responsibility for his own as. So I voluntarily tio participate in the less deluded parts of the program—mostly by reading material that Beth reends—while begrudgingly going along with the rest.

  I’m interrupted from reading my new book by a knoy door.

  “What is it, Beth?” I ask.

  “Not Beth,” I hear through the door.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  I pce my thumb on the sensor and open the door. Seb is standing oher side.

  “Hi, Seb. I haven’t seen much of you tely. Um… take a seat?”

  “I’ll stay at the door, thanks.”

  He pces himself in the middle of the doorframe, blog the door from closing with his foot. I sit down at the foot of my bed.

  “So what’s up?” I ask.

  “Um… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the st couple weeks. Pippa’s been helping.”

  “Yeah, there’s been a lot to think about.”

  He looks down to sider his words for a moment. “I’ve talked a little bit about my mum, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, she’s a TERF. And I know that’s bee a synonym for transphobe, but I mean she’s a literal trans exclusionary radical feminist with a healthy dose of gender essentialism on the side.”

  “Wow, must have been tough being her son.”

  He grimaces for a sed. I think I see where this is going.

  Seb tinues, “Anyway, she filled my head with a lot of junk about trans women and it was only retly that Pippa…”—he looks to his right down the hallway for a sed—“that Pippa found the right words to say to make me resider some things.”

  “I feel like there’s something else that you really came here to say.”

  “Right, it’s just. There is something I o tell you, but I o be sure that…”

  “That you’ll be safe?”

  Seb nods.

  “Seb… You tell me.”

  There’s a moment of silence before he starts to speak. “I’m trans.”

  There it is.

  After far too long, I finally respond, “OK”.

  “I wasn’t hiding it from you. I’ve hated being a guy for a while, but I was vinced my feelings were wrong and that I’d never be accepted and…”

  “I said OK.”

  There’s another pause, and then Seb asks, “Is it?”

  “I’m not going to attack you if that’s what you’re worried about. And I’ll use any name and pronouns you tell me to. But I ’t promise it won’t be weird for me. At first. I’ll ime.”

  Seb’s expression is ral.

  Seb says, “Sure, time… I’ll talk to you ter, Joe.”

  Seb steps away from the door and heads toward the exit of the bedroom hallway. Just before my door finishes closing, I see Pippa following close behind, holdiaser. I ’t bme her for havihere.

  After the door finishes closing, I take a few moments, and then quietly say to myself, “Nice job ag supportive, asshole.”

  2024 January 8MondaySeb tio be scarce. About the only time I see them is during meals or when we run into each other ihroom. Today in particur, they fiheir breakfast as quickly as possible and then slipped out the dining room door to the main hallway along with Pippa and also Paige for some reason.

  I really fucked up their ing out.

  I’m sitting in the on room on a couear the TV. Andrew is sitting on the opposite side of my couch, and or is sitting oher couch, fag us. We’re barely paying attention to the travel show pying oV.

  or is still upset about the sponsor’s pn, but g the shame that’s keeping Andrew and I quiet. “Tabby still insists that I he new intervention. It’s ridiculous! I was fine before. I just needed some time!”

  Andrew says, “Yeah man, I ’t believe they’re doing the same thing to you that they’re doing to the rest of us.”

  or quickly looks down in shame.

  Andrew responds, “Sorry. I went too far. Unlike us, you didn’t do anything to deserve this.”

  or looks up at Andrew and says, “No. It’s alright. I o hear that.”

  There’s a moment of awkward silence—we seem to get a lot of those—which is thankfully interrupted by Paige, who has just ehe on room from the main hallway.

  She announces, “Excuse me everyone. I have somebody here who would like to reintroduce herself.”

  Herself. I’m suddenly afraid of how this will go. What if I screw up her name or pronouns? What if she acts different now, and we no let along? What if my old habits reassert themselves and I hurt her somehow?

  I turn toward the doors to the main hallway and see Pippa enter holding the hand of anirl—oh! She’s wearing a modest amount of makeup and a dress that emphasizes the slight shape to her chest.

  “Hello everyohe “new” girl says. Her voice sounds brighter than I remember. I wonder how she’s doing that.

  I answer, “Hi, um…”

  “Cire.”

  “Hi, Cire.”

  She smiles, and it’s unlike anything I ever saw when she resenting as Sebastian. Then, too quickly, her expressiourns to ral. I o see that smile again.

  She exges a few words with Ethan and Tyler. They behave better than I fear uhe watchful eyes of Maria and Paige.

  She cautiously approaches the rest of us and sits oher couext to or. There’s another round of salutations, and theV is the only sound we hear.

  Eventually, I break the ice. “You look nice.”

  Cire looks unsure of herself, or maybe of me. “Do you really mean that, Joe? Or are you just being polite?”

  I have to answer holy.

  “Yes, I really do mean it.”

  We spend the rest of the m discussing what the four of us have been up to for the st few weeks. Cire carries her smile throughout the whole rest of the versation.

  2024 January 17WednesdayJoeI ’t do this, Beth.

  BethanyYou , Joe. I’ll be at your room in 15 minutes

  JoeMy nipples hurt so bad in these rough hoodies.

  Bethanywith some brasmaybe more like 30 minutes

  JoeBeth, I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not ready yet. ’t I just have some softer shirts?

  Bethanyif you’re not ready to wear a bra that nobody is going to be able to see, you’re not ready for the tops I have

  JoeFine, bring them, but I ’t promise I’ll wear them until I’m really desperate.

  Bethanyan hour then

  2024 January 19FridayJoeOK, you were right. This does feel better.

  Bethanysee what happens if you just believe?

  2024 February 2Friday“If you’d like to wear something other than hoodies, Joe, I have a suggestion.”

  Cire has again jumped at an opportunity to reend I try more feminine clothes. This time, I made the mistake of pining about my extensive hoody colle. It feels like Cire has tried out a new outfit every day since she started presenting. How does Dorley have so many different things for her to try on? Meanwhile, I’m still stu the same sportswear I’ve had since I arrived.

  Also my bras I guess. But that’s just so my nipples stop chafing.

  Cire, or, and I are sitting at a table together in the on room. Pippa ah are sitting, rexed, at aable nearby.

  Tabby, oher hand, is across the room maintaining a respectful distance from or. They’re doier, but they’re still not as close as Beth and I or nearly as close as Cire seems to be with Pippa these days.

  “I keep reminding you, Cire,” I say. “or and I aren’t trans like you are. I know you’re excited to finally get to look and act how you’ve always wanted—and still surprisingly to me, given my past, I’m happy for you, too—but that doesn’t mean we’re going to feel the same way ourselves. Besides, I’m still getting used to the bras.”

  “But maybe you’ll find you like a brightly coloured top more than you think? Or at least you won’t mind it?”

  “If you’re suggesting that I’m secretly a—what was the word?—an egg, yoing to be disappointed. I’ve spent several nights thinking about how much easier this would be if that were the case, but I have no innate desire to dress up or act feminine.”

  That argument doesn’t really address her sed point, but when I brought up before that forced transition would result in the rest of us experieng the same dysphoria she is finally feeling some relief from, she dismissed my argument with, “I’m not vihat everybody experiences dysphoria in the same way I do.”

  What she says goes against almost everything I’ve read about trans people these st several weeks, but most of this stuff is written by or about people who are really desperate to present as their true gender. Also, Cire is the only person here with personal experien the matter.

  “Maybe Cire has a point,” Beth says. “A friend of mine oold me to ‘fake it till you make it’ when I was in a simir situation.”

  “Beth,” I say, “I doubt you were ever in a situatioely simir to this one.”

  After a moment, a thought occurs to me. “Oh by the way, today’s the sed, right? Did anybody catch what the groundhog did?”

  “What groundhog?” or asks.

  “You know, Punxsutawney Phil in Pennsylvania? If he sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of winter.”

  “Joe,” says Pippa. “It’s like five in the m there. The little guy’s probably still asleep.”

  “I thought Imbolc was yesterday,” says or. “And there’s also St. Swithin’s Day if you’re worried about rain, but that isn’t until July. It’s not like the weather outside makes a difference down here anyway.”

  or has a point, so Cire takes the opportunity to move us away from the topic of weather and back to clothes. “I’m sorry for pressing so much, you two. It’s just that the sponsors are going to force the issue eventually, and I think it would be better to ease yourselves into it with a bit more iion.”

  “There’s still time,” Pippa says. “You really don’t o keep pressuring them, Cire.”

  “Right,” I say. “We just need some more time.”

  2024 February 14WednesdayIt’s Valentine’s Day, and to celebrate, I’m reading a strangely pelling romanovel I found in one of the on room ets. It’s about a pair of lesbian chefs w at rival Italian and French restaurants. Beth tells me it’s part of a series that’s on my puter’s media library, but she’ll have to check with her girlfriend what other entries are worth reading.

  As a show of good faith to both Beth and Cire, I’m wearing a bright yellow tank top instead of a hoodie. It’s fine. I’m not sure if this is my color, though.

  Ames walks over and asks, “What are you reading?”

  I show her the book.

  “Oh, that series is great,” she says. “My favorite is the oh the high femme pizzaio and the enby who owns a gyro shop. It’s how I figured out that I’m non-binary also.”

  Wait, she’s—they’re—non-binary?

  “Crap,” I say. “I’ve been using feminine pronouns and calling you a girl the whole time I’ve been down here. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s alright Joe. It’s not like I advertised it at all, unless you t the hair, and I’m fih either she/her or they/them. I prefer the tter, though, from those who know.”

  “Of course. I just wish I’d known sooner.”

  OK, much sooner and I probably would have thrown a fit about it.

  “I suppose that wouldn’t have been the best idea,” I say.

  “I’m just gd you’ve had a ge of heart.”

  I look over at Cire talking with or at aable. She notices me, gives me a little wave, and mouths, “op.”

  “It helps to know someone,” I say. “Or two someones now I guess.”

  Ames giggles. “It does. And I hate to cut our versation short, but it’s time for me to head out. I’ve got a date tonight, and not with a book.”

  “Sure. Have a good night, Ames.”

  I return to my he two chefs are having an argument over who makes the best mai and cheese. I’m not vihat’s true to either try’s cuisine, but what do I know?

  2024 February 26MondayAndrew has been ag very odd the st few days. I knew he’d have to stop feeling so sorry for himself eventually, but it’s like he has a whole new outlook on life. He stands a bit taller, talks a bit more—and not about the women he’s slept with thankfully—and simir to Cire’s giionship with Pippa, he seems a lot more at ease around Serena than he used to.

  Yesterday, I (half) jokingly asked if he was about to e out to me also, and he said, “I just learo accept things, Joe. It doesn’t mean I’ve always wao be a woman.”

  This newfound acceptance of the program and camaraderie with one’s sponsor es with additional privileges, apparently, because both Andrew and Cire have snuck off somewhere together.

  Why does that make me feel unfortable?

  “I think I get it,” or says.

  Huh? Did the estrogen give him mind reading powers?

  He tinues. “You’ve talked about your dad and all the junk he filled you with…”

  Right, different subject.

  “And Cire’s mum is another but irely different fvor of awful.

  “Well, my parents weren’t like that. They were supportive, and they were kind, and they gave me every privilege a middle css white cis man could hope for.

  “But I got this idea in my head—and not from them, uand—that I “owed” them for everything I’d been given. That I owed everyone. I was a smart, healthy, well-off man and if I couldn’t live up to all the expectations that came with those things, then what was the point of doing anything?

  “And Tabby’s right. These ideas are so ingrained by this point that I don’t see me moving on from them without doing something drastic.”

  “Thank God,” I hear Tabby say from halfway across the room. “I was beginning to think you’d never get it.”

  She walks over to us.

  “You could have just told me,” or says.

  Tabby responds, “I would have eventually, or, but sometimes lessons stick best when you work them out for yourself. If you’d prefer to, you think of it as a reminder of how uy is supposed to work. You ’t expect to uand everything right away.”

  After sidering what she said for a bit, otions for Tabby to take a seat nearby.

  I ask, “Now that you ’get it’, or, are you going to fully lean in to the girl thing like Cire’s been suggesting?”

  “No, not yet,” or answers. “Just because I’m starting to uand their point, it doesn’t mean I’m ready to a it. Same as you, I need some more time.”

  2024 March 6WednesdayCire didn’t e to any of our meals or the on room today. That’s only a little odd seeing how she sneaks off sometimes, but Andrew did show up to everything.

  If there was anything serious going on, the sponsors would tell us, right?

  I ’t just waste the whole evening w, though, so I’m bay normal distra of Kerbal Space Program. I’m just about to unch a rocket targeting Jool when I hear a knoy door.

  “One sec,” I say.

  I open the door to see Cire standing oher side. She looks tired, she’s wearing sants instead of her normal leggings or dress, and for the first time I’ve seen in a long while, she isn’t wearing any makeup.

  “I’m sorry, Joe,” she says. “There’s no more time.”