“You need to breathe.” Roy said seriously. “With intention, and rhythm, otherwise you will pass out.”

  Oak eyed his friend with the barest whisper of a smile.

  “I think I’m doing okay.”

  “Yes, of course.” Roy said easily. “When dealing with overwhelming pressure, the most technical part is to release your air on your own terms. It will get pushed out of you unless you have control.”

  It was the next day, and after a night’s rest at Mrs. Handlut’s inn, Oak felt clear headed. His friends however, only seemed to grow more worried. The extra time had allowed the implications to sink in, and anxieties to take hold. Roy had a nightmare, briefly, before he wrested control of his dream like he had in the drills. But still, a seed of doubt had taken root, and now he would serve Oak some fresh carrots.

  “Anguish, like high-intensity g-forces will mess with your blood pressure, and affect the brain negatively.”

  “Roy. I’ve got it.” Oak tried to be soothing, but the more low-key he tried to act seemed to make his friends more anxious. Maybe they needed a distraction. “So, what can you do now? With four effective levels in Dodge?”

  Roy’s eye twitched, and he adjusted his outfit one step at a time as he thought. “It’s hard to explain properly.” He fumbled a bit when he tried to fix a tie that wasn’t there. “Erm—I’m noticeably quicker, and more flexible. I suspect I can move in ways that would have wounded me before I gained the [Skill], and its levels.”

  “Could you dodge a bullet?”

  Roy puffed out from his nose, but immediately schooled his features. “Bullets? Never. At best a person could anticipate a shot, and avoid the area of influence before the trigger is pulled. Humans don’t have the reaction time, even in the nervous system, to properly react to a slug.”

  Oak raised an eyebrow. “Even you? What about after you have ten, or twenty stars in your [Skill].”

  Roy stopped up short.

  “I see. Unenhanced by magic, my presumption would be true. But this place… It has numerous more possibilities…” Brow creased, he looked back to Oak. “We’re going to begin a breathing exercise together.”

  “I’m going to pass.”

  “Certainly… First, we begin with a sharp intake of air.”

  ***

  “Hey, Oak. Sweetie, did you know that sea otters hold hands?” Toni grabbed Oak to demonstrate. “When they’re out at sea, they could get separated while they nap, or float on the surface, so they hold themselves together!”

  He shook his head with a similar smile as the one he had earlier. Toni patted him on the arm more times than necessary as she continued.

  “They are incredibly social animals, and have an unusual disposition to play! For instance, did you know that sea otters have favorite pebbles? They even collect them in pouches on their tummies while they float on the sea water so they don’t lose them.”

  “Toni, I appreciate this—sea otters seem lovely. But I’m doing just fine.”

  “What!? Of course! I mean, why wouldn’t you be? Ha ha. I only thought that you’d like to know. Don’t worry about it. I’m not worrying about you at all!” She chattered. Oak could only smile at her fondly.

  Roy had relaxed after Oak had given in to breathing, and he conferred quietly with Fig, while they looked over their shoulders at him. When he caught them, Roy’s eyes unfocused and he pretended to watch a bird, or something. The effect didn’t quite work, since they were indoors. Fig on the other hand met Oak’s curious look with a brazen frown of dismay.

  This was getting out of hand! Sure, it was horrifying to think that his friends would soon surpass him in expertise and might. Yes, Losing them would break his heart into a thousand little pieces—but that didn’t mean Oak should lay in bed, and hide under the covers. That wasn’t who he was. And it seems like he needed to remind his friends of that.

  Oak smiled. Some would call it a thoughtful smile. But those in the know would see it for what it truly was. Pure unbridled insanity. He didn’t form a plan just then, but a truly evil intention began to flare.

  “Oh, you’re back.”

  Les, hair neatly combed, opened the door into the church. He walked past them without a second glance. “I’ll go put on the robes.”

  “Watcha got on Achievements in this place?” Fig called out. “You have them written down or what?”

  “No.” Les called back, sound muffled. “But, I did find when they were removed!”

  In the next room lay a long table with no chairs or seats. Sitting on top of it was a scroll that ran its length, and then coiled up on a sort of rack positioned on both sides.

  “This is huge!” Toni said, marveling at the size of rolled up parchment. Furled like that, it was nearly as long as the distance between Toni’s elbow and her fingertips!

  Les lumbered on to a box on the other side of the table so he could see.

  “What else did you expect? This is the Church of Patches!” He waved his hand at the scroll before him. “See? Patches.”

  “There must be thousands of entries. Tens of thousands.” Oak said.

  “Enough for several thousand years of work.” Les confirmed.

  “’Players no longer clone themselves when they activate multiple teleportation methods at once.’” Fig read. “Huh. Seems like we missed a good window for some fun.”

  “Bugs are never fun.” Les growled. “Aberration incarnate; slay with steel or stone or speech or spine.” He bit off the last of his sentence.

  That… well. Violent religious fervor from one so young wasn’t so neato-burrito. Fig hid the goose-flesh rising on her arms by getting back to the point.

  “So whatever Oak has access to, it’s from this era? Spill the beans on how we use it.” Fig said.

  Les shook his head.

  “Patch Notes don’t go into detail about Features. The Beloved Developers tell us when they give or take one, but most of it is up to us to learn. There’s more in bug fixes, and there’s sure to be something. But… ” He turned to Oak, but didn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know if I should.”

  Toni cocked her head. “Why not? It seems like you have already done a lot of research.”

  Les grimaced. “Achievements are sure to be full of… Unintended consequences.” He shuddered.

  “So what do you recommend?” Oak asked.

  The boy gripped his fists tightly together, still avoiding his gaze.

  Les was scared. In a sense, Oak was crippled, and his chances of making it in this world were low, if they existed at all. And as a Priest, it was Les’ duty to usher Oak to success… But there was clearly something deeper going on underneath.

  Oak shook his head simply. Les was a kid, it wouldn’t be fair to ask him for more.

  “Naw!” He said. “If there’s so little to go on, I’d rather discover what’s out there myself!”

  Fig shot him a frown “Wait a sec—“

  “Nope.” Oak said. “All I have to do is accomplish something weird, big, or fun. That’s what I have you three for.”

  “Which of us is the weird one?” Toni muttered.

  “You need every advantage you can take.” Fig protested. “Sure it might not be much, but right now you have nothing!”

  Oak stuck his hands in his pockets, and strolled out the chapel, and back into the inn’s common room. Seeing his placid, almost-not-there smile only seemed to fuel Fig’s ire.

  “You can’t hide it from me. I know you’re as terrified as the rest of us.”

  Oak stopped. He turned. He met her eyes.

  “Do you remember,” he said oh so softly. “How we met?”

  “W-what? Back then…” She blushed, and turned away, and folded her arms. “No. No way I do.”

  “I was scared then, too. Just like I was supposed to be. But that’s not the only thing that matters, is it?” Oak put his hand on Fig’s shoulder, and gave her a side hug. “Think on it. I’m going to show you something important.”

  Roy and Toni looked at him nervously, unsure of what to do.

  “I heard there’s another dungeon out in the open past the manor. I think it’s time we learn exactly what your [Skills] are good for, don’t you think?”

  ***

  Now, I know what you’re thinking. Oak, the pervert has something important his friends absolutely have to see? In a dungeon? Ugh, gross! Nobody likes anything mushroom-shaped unless it’s covered in chocolate and apricot jam—and you’d be right... If that was where Oak was going.

  Give thanks, for this dungeon did not have whips or chains, or consent forms marked in red ink. At first blush, this dungeon had turtles. Vain ol’ chonkers with turquoise wings, and liked to drop down on unsuspecting adventurers.

  Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

  CLOANK!

  The worst part was they were herbivorous, so they didn’t even eat the things they killed, or concussed so ruthlessly! Simply put, these winged turtles were buttholes.

  “WHAT THE FLUNK!” Fig stomped over to the creature and hefted it up with a glare. The bottom of the shell was thick, and chunks of it spiked out like growths of pyrite. Its head slid out from the shell and wobbly snapped at her face. “Stop that!” Fig bopped it on the nose, and the creature puffed into a plume of feathers. In its place in Fig’s hands was a piece of its shell, and a pretty feather.

  “What is this?” Toni asked, and plucked the items from Fig’s hands. Fig’s eyes twitched but she didn’t comment.

  “It looks like the materials we get from defeating it.” Oak said.

  “This must be what Lady Scowle is after.”

  “Anything you can learn from them, Toni?” Oak asked.

  “I’m… I’m getting something. But I’m not sure. I need more samples to form a more complete hypothesis.”

  “So I get to bash in some more turtles?” Fig asked with a wicked grin.

  “Yes.” Toni said. “There should be more fauna in this forest. Everyone keep your eyes peeled, and search the canopy for any more.”

  It didn’t take long.

  “There!” Toni pointed, and Fig launched a rock into the sky. It collided with a winged-turtle and it veered off its lazy course.

  “Nice shot!” Oak said.

  “Not done yet. Give me another!” he handed her a rock, and as soon as it was in hand, she threw it hard. This one soared under the turtle, but Fig wasn’t the type to give up so easily. Or ever really. To escape the threat, the turtle flapped away as fast as it could. But beyond falling, they weren’t all that mobile. On the fifth rock, Fig got in another hit.

  The creature burst into a cloud of feathers, and a couple items fell through the canopy of trees. But first, there was another reward to contend with first.

  KrrCHUNK! KrrCHUNK!

  Fig’s [Skill] list fluttered out along with the scroll for [Throw]. Over the title sat two stars. One a flat, golden shape, the other a white outline. Then one more of each stamped themselves onto the [Skill]!

  [Throw] - Level 2 (4)

  “Did you just improve your [Skill]!?” Toni asked.

  “Heh. Looks like I did.” Fig smirked. “That’s how it’s done, ladies and gents.”

  “That’s so exciting! How much further do you think you can throw? Can you knock out a turtle in one shot? What kinds of improvements are we looking at!? Tell me, tell me, tell me!” Toni hopped up and down in excitement as she clutched Fig’s arm in her hands.

  “Toni, Toni! I only know as much as you do—“ She tried to pry the excitable woman’s hands off, to little success. Suddenly Toni let go and skipped away, looking around wide-eyed.

  “Well let’s go find out then! Come on slow-poke!”

  Fig didn’t quite go along. She turned a worried expression Oak’s way. He waved her off, and Roy copied him. Fig grunted.

  “I’m coming, sheesh! You're worse than my brother on Halloween.”

  Oak smiled, and nudged Roy.

  “Come on, let’s go collect the turtle stuff.”

  “Indeed.”

  The two of them trudged through the foliage for several minutes before they found a small pond sequestered behind the dense thicket of trees, and sharp boulders. Ah, how convenient that this was here to catch the items. It would have taken so much longer to comb through the forest floor by hand. What luck!

  Oak rolled up his sleeves, and pulled out a pair of scute. Flicking the water off, he inspected them. The sections of shell were pretty thin, so he doubted they would go for much on the market. He stuffed them into his pack, when something else caught his eye.

  The pond had fish! Some were as large as eighteen inches, and their scales reflected a muddy brown sheen… The fish didn’t have normal faces! Instead of a mouth, these things had thick, curved beaks.

  “Parrot fish?”

  “YEAH!” Fig’s voice carried over the distance. How nice of her to confirm!

  You know how I said that it was convenient that our buddies here found this pond? That it was lucky? …How mad would you be if I was lying?

  Here’s a sentiment that is both obvious, and also forgotten by many. Water is a valuable resource. Basically all animals need it to survive, from red pandas, to moosen, to voles packed into the soil.

  And so do predators.

  “Oak.” Roy whispered. “Don’t make any sudden movements yet. But be ready to run.”

  Oak was suddenly aware of the quiet. He’d missed it due to the soft noise of leaves in the wind, but there were no bugs chittering, or birds singing. And he didn’t remember if there was any from the beginning. So… How long had they been stalked?

  He carefully packed away his six new acquisitions into his pack, and stood up.

  “Which way?” Oak asked softly.

  “We meet up with Fig and Toni, from there we can egress.”

  He nodded, then began to walk with Roy following closely behind. This time, Oak paid special attention to his surroundings. The bushes and ferns obscured much of the forest floor, and Oak kept catching a flicker of movement at the corner of his eye, only to see that it was the aspens waving, and posing for the whims of the wind, each time throwing his heart into his throat before he slowly relaxed until the next.

  “Remember to breathe.” Roy said. “When the pressure’s highest is when you need to breathe the most.”

  Oak shot his friend a grateful smile, and he forced himself to take a deep breath.

  And then, they were not attacked.

  Just when Oak was taking back control, He found himself teetering on the edge of a cliff. He thought they were coming up to a meadow, but Oak didn’t expect this amount of clearing! The forest continued on the other side of this canyon, if you can call this that. Those usually imply a bottom. But here, the land dropped.

  As he peered down he saw sky down there, and what looked to be other islands suspended in the air. Disturbed by his movement, a solid slab of rock slid from the edge, and plummeted below.

  Heart thumping, Oak knew he had to come to a decision. He was scared, the tension was so high it might snap him in two. But was it the right moment? He wanted to wait for Fig and Toni, but he might not get the chance.

  Thmp.

  Oak and Roy looked down, and found a small rock had fallen onto the ground. He bent down to grab it, inspect it, then look up, as he should have earlier. In the sky was a familiar floating island. And a slab of stone falling down!

  “HOLY—“ Oak yelped and grabbed Roy by the arm to run. The sudden noise startled several woolly somethings in the bushes around them, and they leapt out to take the two down! Three rams with jaws agape darted threw the air, with hundreds of tiny keratinous teeth, but the true horror was the horns. Or where horns should have been. Instead of curved, blunt things meant for bashing, there were long, stick-like legs with curved talons on the end. And they were extended to gouge.

  WHUMP!!

  The slab of stone smashed into two of the creatures, crushing them into plumbs of feathers. Roy twirled Oak out of the way, and somehow bent his back under, and to the side of griplamb’s outstretched talons in a backwards ‘C.’

  KrrCHUNK! KrrCHUNK!

  [Dodge] - Level 3 (6)

  The creature tumbled past, and slammed into a tree hard enough that loose branches fell down around it—But Oak and Roy were too busy running to pay it any heed. Roy grit his teeth as he held a hand to his back, and Oak half carried him along.

  “Bleehgh” The griplamb sounded dazed.

  Twenty seconds of running later they were surprised again.

  “Agh!”

  “Oh!”

  “Oomph.”

  “Eck!”

  Fig and Toni stumbled to a stop in front of them.

  “Evil sheep!” Oak said

  “Too many turtles!” Fig barked.

  “What’s wrong with Roy?” Toni asked.

  “He [Dodged] too hard and hurt himself. What do you mean ‘too many turtles?’” Oak said.

  “Knocking them out of the sky was too easy, so I threw them over the edge for practice, but more kept showing up, angrier and angrier!”

  “That’s because it’s a loop!”

  “A what?” Toni asked.

  “That, ” Oak pointed to the island in the sky above them. “Is this island.” He pointed to the ground. “Anything that falls over the edge will end up back on top from the bottom to the top.”

  Fig furrowed her brows “That was a weird way to say it, but I think I get what you mean. Watch it—!”

  CROANK!

  A winged turtle cracked down onto the ground just where Oak was standing.

  “Bleehhg!” The griplamb bleated hoarsely then charged. Fig picked up the turtle and hurled it at the evil sheep. But the thing caught it out of the air! It tossed it away and continued to barrel towards them.

  “Get me ammo!” Fig bellowed. “Roy, keep an eye on the sky, Toni, make sure he doesn’t get crushed.”

  “Got it!” they shouted.

  Oak bent down and picked up a hand sized rock, and handed it to Fig. She managed to smack the griplamb in the chest, which made it stumble and veer to the side.

  “Begck!” It chuffed at them. It backed up to ready another charge.

  “Five o’ clock!” Toni shouted “seventy-three degrees up!”

  KrrCHUNK! KrrCHUNK!

  [Analyze] - Level 2 (4)

  “Gotcha!” Fig said.

  This. This was so much. So much was going on! They were in the middle of a life-or-death battle and who knew if they were going to make it? Oak could feel the stress riding him like a wave, and he was positive that his friends were feeling that too. He was scared… And yet he smiled a grin meant on someone else’s face. Oak took off his pack, pulled something out and handed it to Fig to throw.

  The muddy brown thing soared to the turtle preparing to dive, and smashed it into a poof of feathers.

  “Egh.” Fig said, grimacing at the slime on her hands “Was that—a fish?”

  Oak handed her another rock, and she hit the griplamb between the eyes. The creature crashed into the ground and dug a furrow. Then it lay still. Sadly, the group didn’t have time to celebrate the KO.

  “We’ve got four turtles inbound!” Toni said, then helped Roy circle around the group. Oak found another rock for Fig.

  Ploof!

  And then more muddy ammo

  Ploof!

  “Oak!”

  Maybe one more to do the job.

  “STOP HANDING ME FISH!”

  Ploof!

  Oak was laughing his butt off as his friend took down the monsters with flung fish! Tears started to leak from his eyes as he found one more fish for Fig, and nearly fell onto his face as he tried to hand it to her. She ignored him.

  CLOANK!

  Fig jumped out of the way in time, then bashed the thing in the face until it exploded into a jumble of feathers.

  Oak clutched the parrot fish to his chest as he struggled to breathe. Fig turned around, face as a thunderhead. Oak backed up.

  “Told you I had something to show you.” He said.

  Fig grabbed him by the collar.

  “What is wrong with you!?” She shook him like a dog does with a chew toy. “That was almost a disaster, and you want to throw in some goofs!?” Fig shook him some more. “WHY?”

  Oak’s laughing slowed, but he defiantly held onto his smile. “That’s exactly why I did it!” He put his hands—and fish—on her shoulders “I’m terrified, Fig. Of never going home. Of being left behind. I can’t run away from that!”

  “I—I don’t understand.” Fig said, and tears formed in her eyes. “So you’d rather just throw it all away?”

  “Never.” Oak said immediately. “But if I’m going to live here and keep up with you all, with everything that sucks about it, I’m going to do it my way. It will hurt no matter what I do, but I’m going to have so much fun in the meantime I won’t remember the pain!”

  Fig slowly put one of her best friends in the world down. A tear fell down her cheek. She brushed it away with her sleeve, then smiled. Softly, she began. “Forever and always.”

  Oak finished, “I will play.”

  He hugged her then. A deep, strong hug, that honestly hurt a little bit, but it felt too good to be softer. Toni and Roy after some coaxing joined them in the embrace. In the wake of the day, the week, the battle, nobody wanted this moment to be interrupted.

  Which is exactly when it was.

  “Blegh...” The griplamp moaned.

  “GAH!” The four separated in shock, and instinctively Oak struck out with the only weapon he had.

  Ploof!

  It burst into a cloud of feathers, with materials resting in the creature’s place. But that wasn’t the most interesting part by far.

  ZING!

  Achievement Unlocked! - This Is The Slapstick!

  Conditions: Defeat an enemy with a fish.

  Rewards: +5% bonus effective use of improvised weapons.

  OverAchievement Available - This Is The Slapstick! II

  Conditions: Defeat an enemy using 100 fish.

  Note: “Keep it up Mister Oak!”