Kaito was lounging on a hammock suspended between two cloud-palms, enjoying the peaceful lulby of the waves in his divine vacation realm when a ding! echoed in his ear.

  > [CelestialMatch has found your perfect partner!]

  Goddess of War, Valkyria Stormbde

  Compatibility: 96%

  Shared Interests: None

  Opposing Traits: All

  Reason for Match: “Opposites attract!”

  Kaito sat up so fast he spilled his smoothie. “Wait… WHAT!? I didn’t even sign up for a dating app!”

  The God of Chaos appeared beside him, sipping divine co. “Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I signed you up. Said it would ‘build character.’”

  “Build character!? This isn’t therapy, it’s torture!”

  Suddenly, the sky cracked open with a thunderous boom. A chariot made of dragon bones and molten metal tore through the clouds, nding hard enough to create a crater.

  Out stepped a tall, muscur woman with piercing red eyes, armor forged from literal starfire, and a giant sword strapped to her back. She radiated so much killing intent that nearby fruit trees dropped dead on the spot.

  She looked around, saw Kaito, and smirked. “So… you’re the ‘God of Leisure’ they matched me with.”

  Kaito blinked. “Um… hi?”

  She strode up to him, grabbed his shirt, and yanked him forward. “You. Me. Duel. Now.”

  “What!?”

  “If you survive five minutes, I’ll consider it a second date.”

  Kaito screamed internally for the fiftieth time that day.

  ---

  Five Minutes Later…

  The divine lounge realm was in ruins. Hammocks burned. Palm trees exploded. The holy grilled cheese buffet was now molten goo.

  Kaito y in a crater, smoking slightly. “Okay… five minutes… of pure pain. But technically I survived.”

  Valkyria stood above him, sweating slightly and… smiling? “Not bad. Most gods faint by the first minute. You’ve got potential.”

  Kaito wheezed. “Thanks… I think…”

  > [New Title Unlocked: Divine Sandbag]

  Effect: +10% resistance to unexpected dates

  The Goddess of Order appeared out of thin air. “Kaito! What happened here?!”

  Kaito coughed. “Apparently… dating in the heavens is literal warfare.”

  ---

  Later That Night…

  Valkyria and Kaito sat under a moonlit sky, eating what remained of the divine marshmallows.

  “You’re… weird,” she said, roasting one on her sword.

  “You tried to kill me.”

  She shrugged. “That’s how I flirt.”

  Kaito facepalmed. “Why me…”

  Suddenly, a new notification appeared.

  > [Warning: Goddess of Love has decred jealousy. Love War Protocols Initiated.]

  [Incoming: Divine Cupid Missiles in 3… 2… 1…]

  Kaito screamed. “WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE A NORMAL DIVINE LIFE?!”

  ---

  Next Chapter: When My Cult Decred War on the Church of Productivity!?