After putting his head together with Jake and William, a plan was formed. They put all their money together, a grand total of $103.28, and donated it to Jake. They then wrote a contract stating that this money firmly and truly belonged to Jake. After that, William would ‘Steal’ the money out of Jake’s back pocket, the system would “Ding!”, and Joe would ‘recover’ the money from William and hand it back to Jake. The system would then generously reward Joe with 10 GD points per recovery, which was better than the 5 GD points most likely because the amount of money stolen and recovered broke into the $100 range. This went on for about 30 minutes.

  At one point, Potato, taking a rare break from his chair, walked on to the back porch and saw the boys passing money around like a hot rock. After a few contemplative looks, he just shook his head, muttered “What the devil’s wrong with kids these day”. He then proceeded to walk back in and take a seat on his magnificent throne.

  As Jake and William lay panting on the ground, Joe giggled criminally; “2535 GD points! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!” J. and W. just nodded their heads in sycophantic agreement as they continued to catch their breath. “Okay, how about another round”. J. and W. shrugged their shoulders in blasé agreement, for they didn’t have anything else to do with their time that sounded better. However, this time, something went wrong.

  When William took the money from Jake, something unexpected took place.

  “Ding! Extreme alert. A repeat criminal, identity: William Bartholomew, has been observed stealing 251 times. Your assignment is to apprehend this criminal and turn him over to the authorities of this world. The world will be a better place through your actions. Reward 3000 GD points. Suspect is considered extremely dangerous due to a 100% success rate in his thieving attempts. Proceed with caution. Extra GD points will be reward for prompt action!” (A.P.P.)

  “Oh, boy… I think we broke something…” (Joe)

  “What’s wrong” (Jake and William)

  “You’ve been designated as a Repeat Criminal by the system, and it now wants me to turn you over to the authorities of this world”. (Joe)

  “Oh, boy… now what?” (Jake and William)

  Just as Joe was about to open his mouth and attempt an answer, a grating, smokey, vulture like, ash and cigarette filled yell came from the Kitchen “JOE! JAKE! WILLIAM! ...get in here immediately.” The last part of the sentence, though much quieter, carried with it the bigger threat. Clare had spoken.

  “Clare!” Joe, Jake, and William all simultaneously whisper/screamed as they hunched together in a football huddle. You know, the kind of whisper that makes the veins on your neck pop out due to its quiet intensity. Like a group of defeated gladiators exiting an arena yet still marching to their death, the boys left the back yard and entered the domain of the ‘Smoke Dragon’, otherwise known as ‘The Kitchen’.

  For some, “The Kitchen” was a place of warmth, conversation, good family memories, laughs, and maybe some late evening board game adventures. However, for others the “The Kitchen” was a place of dread on the level with the Spanish inquisition, or Normandy beach on D-day. In Joe’s household, it was more accurately named “The Clar-itchen”; the all-powerful, smoke and wine infested domain of Clare, ruler of the Brown household.

  As Joe shuffled into the ‘Clar-itchen’, he had a sudden inspiration. “Hey System, Clare is an almighty authority, does she count toward my quest?”

  “Processing request. Scanning vicinity. Clare deemed unfit as authority figure”. (A.P.P)

  ‘…yeah’ Joe quickly suppressed a deeply understanding chuckle. ‘Finally, we agree about something. Yes, unfit. I knew that…’….

  “However, a valid level 3 authority has been detected 10 meters behind you.” (A.P.P.)

  Joe glanced directly behind him, and ten meters away, he met the icy glance of a rather upset Potato

  “...Potato?! He’s a valid Authority for my quest” Joe whispered.

  “Indeed”. A.P.P. said without further explanation.

  Standing there in the entrance to the Clar-itchen, halfway between Potato and the Dragon, Joe blanked out for a second in confusion. As he looked at Potato, he thought for a second that he saw a very faint glimmer of a smallish glow emanating from under “The Chair”. ‘Is this an effect of my increased perception’, Joe thought

  “JOE!” growled Clare, “I’m waiting for you!”

  Startled, Joe lost focus, but when he refocused, Potato had shifted forward with his hand on the right arm rest, and the glow had disappeared. ‘Hmmm.’ Joe pondered but quickly turned and dove into the Clar-itchen to avoid further increasing the incoming tirade.

  For the next 15 minutes, Clare laid into this trio of friends with all the wisdom of roughly 245,000 packs of smoked cigarettes, and all the venom of over approximately 133,800 bottles of cheap wine. As Joe and his friends bowed their heads, Joe decided to make his move.

  “It’s all Williams fault, Potato. He kept taking Jake’s Money, but it’s okay, because I gave it back to Jake”.

  “Ding! Mission complete. 3000 points awarded. Additional 2000 points rewarded for rapid completion Good Job young Do-Gooder!”

  “Ding, points have exceeded the 7000-point threshold. Entering “The ZONE”. Time-stop activated. A.P.P. acknowledges the rising Hero’s efforts. You now have full access to the virtual store, and we have gifted you two absolutely necessary gifts for any self-respecting hero; Namely your very own Item Organizing Unit, and a beginner’s welcome package which we have delivered and placed inside of your I.O.U.

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  With those words, Joe’s vision suddenly darkened. In a few seconds, the lights came back on, but he wasn’t in the ‘Clar-itchen’ anymore. He was standing on a dusty, dirt-road main street, that was lined with old-timey wooden structures that reminded him of the Western movies he used to watch with Potato when he was a child.

  To Joe’s left hand side, an old, wild-west, dusty, wooden Salon building had a glowing, huge, neon sign that had red lights flashing along its perimeter, and a huge, cheap looking, fat, neon green arrow pointing down which was filled with pink comic-sans letters that read, “Start Here”.

  Joe just blinked as he stared at the eye-searingly ugly sign. I mean, it was so ugly even yo mama looked pretty in comparison. Not even Chuck Norris could make you think it was pretty. His eyes traced the pattern of the flashing red lights that first circled, then alternated, then blinked all on and off, and then repeated the pattern again and again. Somewhere around the 10th cycle, he snapped back to his senses and looked around.

  “Where in Tarnation am I?? … did I just say tarnation, dagnabit all,… WHAT... well shoot-fire, boys… What is going on with my language!?! I’m talking like a glorifed, hillbilly lovin’, good-ol’ country boy that’s just full-a-beans!… aaarrrggghhhh!!.

  Clamping a hand over his obscenely country mouth, his eyes trembling between fear and anger, Joe said

  “A.P.P. get your digital-rear-end over here before I kick you into next Sunday!”

  “Well, Howdy partner, what be botherin’ you this here fine sunny day”. A.P.P. said with a sly chuckle. “Aren’t ya enjoyin’ this here wild west themed System store!”

  “…NO!!!” yelled Joe

  “Okay, okay, no need to get your britches all knotted up. I’ll turn it off.

  With a click and the sound of electricity dying, the whole scene faded; replaced with a very space age looking scene. There was a simple road that went down the middle surrounded on either side by booths of many sizes and shapes filled with various goods. The same weird Neon-sign was flashing over a building to his left that had replaced the Saloon that was previously occupying the space. He also could tell that he had regained control over his vocabulary. Shuddering from the weird situation, he glanced at A.P.P..

  “Okay… Now… Tell me what is going on....please.” (Joe)

  “Congratulations, you have earned full rights to the first level of system stores. While you are here, time is stopped on the outside, and you can visit the various stores to purchase a wide variety of items with the points you have earned so far. Also, you have received your two gifts; The Item Organizing Unit, I.O.U., and your beginner welcome package. You can access your Item Organizer by saying ‘IOU’. You will find your welcome package inside. Good luck, adventurer-hero-dude!” (APP)

  With that, Joe found himself alone on the street again. Joe thought for a second, and then realized how short a second actually is. Following this, he sat down in the middle of the road and began to think. First, he just remembered what had been happening. He remembered B.O.B.’s sickness, and the discovery that APP wasn’t really that bright. He remembered that he now had 7535 points. He also had a beginner package to look at, and stores to shop in.

  ‘Well, let’s begin with the beginner package.’ thought Joe. “IOU.” He spoke, wondering what would happen. Instantly, he could see a blue t.v. like screen floating in front of him that was subdivided into 25 different cubes. 24 cubes were empty, but one of them had an image of a yellow box with red ribbons and bow. He reached his hand out and tapped the image of the yellow box. With a ‘click’ and a ‘swoosh’ a real yellow box with bright red ribbons appeared in his hand. As soon as he lost focus on the IOU screen, it faded from sight. With trepidation, he gave the red ribbon a small yank, and it slowly unfurled and slid off the box. As soon as the red ribbon fell, the box lid blew upwards with a burst of rainbow glitter and the fanfare of tiny trumpets sounded out a celebratory jingle. Wiping the rainbow glitter from off his face and eyes, where it had firmly plastered itself, Joe slowly opened his eyes.

  The box. It glowed. What a happy, joyful feeling the glow gave Joe. Golden light shown from within, obscuring the contents of this little miracle. Joe’s eyes sparkled with gleeful greed. A loot box!!! With a quickening heartbeat Joe steadily lowered his hand into that warm and welcoming glow. His fingers closed upon a soft and luxurious material. Grasping it with firmness and gentleness, he pulled forth… his ‘gift’.

  Joe’s eyes squinted in greedy glee as he playful bit his lower lip. What Looty goodness is this???

  …It was a white t-shirt with black lettering that read “BOB is best”. Surrounding the lettering was a ring of flashing red lights that flickered in the already familiar pattern.

  The box disappeared from his hand with an additional extremely large ‘POOF’ of glitter. So, Joe was left standing on the street in a literal pool of the sparkly substance (covered from head to toe, I might add), holding a stunningly ugly T-shirt with a look of lonesome agony pasted on his visage. With sigh and shrug of his shoulders, he prepared to toss the shirt into the roadside ditch.

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” (APP)

  “And, why not?” (Joe)

  “Because of its bonuses.” (APP)

  “Bonuses? What bonuses?” (Joe)

  “1. It will fit you no matter what happens to your body or its size. 2. It is self-repairing, and will always return to full, clean, original condition within 20 seconds. No. Matter. What. 3. It boost all stats by 5.” (APP)

  “...But… why… ugh.” Joe stuttered, thought, grimaced, and then acquiesced. He took off his current shirt and donned the Bob shirt. Instantly, he felt a jolt of power in every way. However, since the jolt was equalized through all stats, it did not overwhelm him.

  “Status” Joe said

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Joe Brown  Age 24

  Occupation:  Currently Jobless

  Class Rating: F+

  Stats

  Strength   9   (Gym rat Strong)

  Agility    8   (Blue belt martial arts Agile)

  Endurance   9   (Just like that guy who always rides his bicycle to work)

  Perception  11  (Like the IRS during tax season. Like the KGB … well you get the idea)

  Intelligence  8   (3.2 gpa bachelor’s degree level. Not bad… not great, but not bad.)

  Wisdom 5   (Wisdom maxed out, contact Bureau for inquiries)

  Luck     N/A  (SYSTEM ERROR, CONTACT BUREAU)

  Skills

  No current skills

  Good Deed Points

  7535

  Active Quests

  Find a Job

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Joe’s eyes grew large! He bent over to touch his toes, and his head nearly hit the ground. He stood up straight and jumped, and he realized he could now dunk with ease. He dashed around the road at full speed, but he didn’t get tired, and he looked around noticing each dust particle in intimate details. Then his eyes glanced back at his status… “Maxed out?! What is that supposed to mean?... Ahh, who cares”. Joe chuckled to himself in simplistic delight. Ignorance truly is bliss “Oh, yeah, got to get a job… but first, let’s explore.” Joe said to himself, not eager to return too swiftly to the ‘Claritchen’.

  Joe glanced at the huge neon sign that bluntly stated, “Start here”. Quickly brushing and shaking off all the glitter and moving with a new swagger in his footsteps, he walked toward the shop, eager to see what else there was to discover. However, before doing that, he put his old shirt over the top of his Bob shirt. After all, Bob wasn’t on his ‘best-buddies’ list.

  End Chapter 8