Tempokai

  Tips for sleeping well (for gods):

  1. Do not have a bed in the first pce. You can sleep on the ground, or even better, under the stars in a clear sky.

  2. If you have a bed, make sure you've got it properly made up with clean sheets and bnkets. They can become dirty after thousands of years of disuse.

  3. In the worst-case scenario, if you absolutely must use a bed, don't use any of your own bedding—just use whatever was lying around. Rock? Good. Gaxy? Even better.

  4. If you're feeling pampered, get some pillows from somewhere else. Pillows are things that people often forget to repce when they go out of style.

  5. And finally...

  Don't let the Sandman steal your dreams!

  ***

  Tips for scaring mortals (for evil gods)

  1. Don't be too obvious about it. Let the mortals assume that what's happening is their imagination. It's best if they don't know that you're watching them.

  2. Unless you really want to scare someone, try not to move very much while doing it. A lot of times, this will give people an idea that something is wrong with them.

  3. Always have a reason for what you're doing. The more specific your reasons are, the better. Want the mortal experience hopelessness? Make sure he thinks his life has no purpose. Want to drive him crazy? Give him a disease that will destroy him slowly.

  4. If there's a good chance that mortals might find out what you're doing to them, don't do it at all. Those bastards can become heroes just by thinking about it.

  ***

  Tip for getting along with mortals:

  The only thing that works with mortals is a sense of humor. This is because they ck the ability to understand anything that doesn't involve ughter. And fear, of course, but we don't talk about that here. So keep this in mind whenever dealing with them—you should always remember that they think everything is funny.

  ***

  Tips for changing your form:

  For those who want to change forms frequently without spending hours trying to figure out how to do so, there is a trick you can use. Just create a duplicate version of yourself. Then, slowly add details you want to see in your new form until you feel satisfied. I recommend adding horns, cws, fangs, or wings, as these are easy to incorporate into existing shapes.

  If you want to switch back to your original form, simply erase all traces of the new one, or have a backup copy ready to go.

  ***

  Tips for the old forgotten gods:

  1. Never admit that you're ancient. They'll think you're senile and start calling you "grandpa."

  2. When talking about other gods, never say "we" or "us." Say instead, "the gods," "the pantheon," "the divine council," etc. The times since the great war were a long time ago; saying "we" implies that you still exist.

  3. Don't compin. No matter how bad things are, compining about it won't help.

  4. Even if you really want to, don't kill yourself. There are plenty of others who would gdly take your pce.

  5. Remember, you may be ancient, but that doesn't mean you're immortal. Eventually, you'll die and then you'll have to deal with the consequences. Or your successor. Even if you are omnipotent as the Great One, being a god isn't exactly a picnic.

  6. And finally, try not to think about it too hard. Your existence is a mystery to most mortals, and that's okay. After all, if you knew where you came from, you'd probably never leave. The omniverse is full of mysteries. That's part of why we love it.

  ***

  Tip for the young and foolish gods:

  1. Try not to get too attached to mortal things. You might lose them. Especially young beauties. Even if you make them immortal, soon enough they'll grow older and uglier than you are now.

  2. Never get involved with mortals unless you absolutely have to. It's like a drug. Once you start, you'll never stop. You will be workaholic, sve-driving, bloodthirsty, obsessed with power, and constantly worried that you're going to lose them. And once you've lost them, you'll spend eternity looking for ways to bring them back. Instead, y down, like old ones did, and enjoy your youth.

  3. Remember that you are just another god in the multiverse. If you're lucky, you'll be forgotten sooner rather than ter. But if you're not, you might end up stuck in the world forever, unable to escape, and eventually trapped in a personal void, away from everyone you care about, and left alone to die.

  ***

  Tip for the young and stupid gods:

  1. Avoid creating cities and civilizations. They will inevitably fall apart because of boredom, greed, corruption, famine, war, pestilence, and natural disasters. If you're reading this, you're really stupid, so I'm sure you already know this.

  2. Don't bother with humanity. They're just a bunch of meat puppets with no self-awareness. They're completely helpless and useless, unless it comes to spreading diseases. Invest in maggots instead. They are far smarter and infinitely more useful.

  3. Finally, try to avoid getting too bigheaded. Remember, even the gods before you weren't perfect. Some of them were idiots. And look at what happened to them. Probably you stupidly inherited one, given its name, which means you'll suffer the same fate.

  ***

  Tip for the weak gods:

  1. Stop whining! Being weak sucks, but it's not that bad. Think about it: you can't control the weather, you can't send lightning bolts crashing through armies, or have a harem of demigod beauties, so what? At least you don't have to worry about your kids turning on you.

  2. If you really want to be powerful, try not to be too obvious about it. Don't go around bragging about it. Once the zero-sum game of life sets in, it's better to stay hidden.

  3. Also, try to avoid the whole immortality thing. It's boring.

  ***

  Tips for the petty gods:

  1. Don't get too jealous of the big boys. You have an almost infinite time to reach their level of power, whereas they're busy dying.

  2. Don't bother trying to compete against the other gods. It's pointless. All you can really hope for is to become insignificant.

  3. In reality, I was one myself, so this is a personal tip: never ever, and I repeat, never try to impress anyone by killing them. It's pathetic, and it makes you look stupid.

  ***

  Tips for the middle-aged, slightly successful gods:

  1. Don't be too greedy. You already liven for a 100 million years, and have all the treasuries in your universe, so you should be fine. But don't go after the stars.

  2. Don't get too depressed about the fact that you're not the greatest, or that you're not really that important anymore. Remember, you are in the 40% higher level demographic of the gods. It's not that bad.

  3. If you really want to be happy, find someone you can trust and love.

  ***

  Tips for the eldritch gods with no personality:

  1. Be careful when you try to change forms. It's not uncommon to forget what form you're actually using. This is especially true if you're bored or under a lot of stress.

  2. If you accidentally corrupted someone, don't rush to fix it. Let them stew in their own juices. Let them find out what’s like to be evil. It's a lesson that you can't learn any other way.

  3. Tentacles are old-fashioned. Nowadays, eyes everywhere are the trend. It's more stylish to be humanoid.

  4. It's always better to have a few mortals that you can really rete to than thousands of mindless drones who worship you out of fear.

  5. Never try to force yourself into the worlds you've never been. Some of your cultists are crazy to begin with, so if you show up, it's only going to make things worse.

  6. If you're going to use a disguise, try not to choose something that would make it obvious what kind of god you are. Remember, no tentacles.

  7. Try not to get too bigheaded. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself here, but it's true. If you get too much attention, you're going to get arrogant, and then you're going to get killed. You're unaligned, meaning both chaos and order would happily murder you.

  8. And finally...

  Never let them see you sweat.

  ***

  Tips for straining pasta (hard way for gods)

  1. When boiling water, put in some salt. This will help the pasta absorb the fvor when it's cooked.

  2. Do not add oil to the pasta while cooking. The water will prevent the pasta from sticking together when it cooks. No, the ley lines are not magic—they're just lines.

  3. Make sure the pasta is not too soft or too hard. If it's too soft, it will stick together when it cools down. If it's too hard, it will break apart when it cools down. Don't reverse time if you made a mistake; just cook another batch.

  4. Make sure the pot you're using is rge enough to fit all the pasta you want to make. If it isn't, just throw away a lot of your food and start over. If you are a pnet sized god, just eat all the extra.

  5. When draining pasta, make sure it is fully submerged in cold water. If you don't do this, the starch will clump together, and your noodles will be harder than rock. Do not put it in the absolute coldest part of the ocean—it is not as cold as the vacuum of space.

  6. Don't bother with recipes. You should be able to figure out how to boil water by now.

  7. If your followers try to imitate you, don't be offended. It's only because they respect you.

  ***

  Tips for the zy and hungry gods:

  1. If your people are compining about hunger, give them some of your energy. Energy is all matter is composed of. It's basically your soul. Just think of it as a snack.

  2. Try not to think too much about the problem of hunger. Just keep feeding your people and they will stop compining. Do not overfeed them, or else they become demigods, and will ruin your life if you are too nice to them.

  ***

  Tips for the hungry gods:

  1. Don't worry about being too big for the world. The multiverse is bigger than anything that has ever existed before, so there are plenty of pces for you to expand into. Just eat unpoputed worlds, or go to the outer reaches and feed on distant gaxies, and eventually, you'll grow so big that nothing can stop you.

  2. Try to avoid getting too big or too small. Once you're too big or too small, it becomes hard to control yourself and you'll end up destroying everything. Invest in the Holy Spirit (trademarked) to help you maintain your size.

  3. If you are still growing too fast, just remember that you are just an aspect of the Great One, and you can ask him to help you.

  4. Don't try eating another god. They are not tasty (except the Candy Bear God, RIP) and will just make you sick and kill you.

  5. If you ever need a snack, don't hesitate to eat one of your worshippers. They have souls and are edible.

  6. Always keep your minions fed. Otherwise, they'll turn on you.

  ***

  Tips for the recently awakened gods:

  1. Don't worry if you are a bit confused at first. It's a common problem among newly awakened deities. You were asleep for a long time, and now you're awake, and you do not know where you are or what's going on. Go to Godnet, and read up on things. It's a great resource.

  2. You may feel lonely after awakening. That's normal. Everyone feels that way the first time they awaken. It doesn't st forever. If you had an immortal follower still alive before you woke up, then it's best if you stay with them until you get used to things again.

  3. Try to avoid trying to change the world right away. It's tempting, but it's not worth the risk. To fiery head come fiery problems. Wait it out for a while. If it gets too bad, ask for help from other gods.

  4. If you find yourself in trouble, don't be afraid to call in the big guns. Great One's archangel squad will always be willing to come to your aid. But be warned—they have their own agenda, so be careful what you wish for.

  5. Try to avoid making enemies of other gods unless absolutely necessary. Don't sneak attack one; they probably sensed your awakening and are just waiting for you to screw up so they can kill you.

  ***

  Tips for the bored gods:

  1. Don't bother with humanity. They aren't very smart and they have a short attention span. Py with their creations instead. Their video games and movies are fun. And their technology is pretty good. But their religions are hirious. They'll worship anything as long as you promise them eternal life and/or money. And 40 bitches in heaven.

  2. If you're bored with your current form, try changing it. You can also take any form that you can imagine. Try having a sexual intercourse in your new form with someone of the same sex. Or vice versa. It can be really fun.

  3. You can even try creating your own universe. All it takes is a few dozen universes with the same rules, and boom! I don't recommend it though. It's hard work, and it can be quite stressful, especially if it's not done properly.

  4. If you want to be really, really bored, go talk to someone who was once a god, and is now mortal. Why? Because it's really boring to listen to someone who thinks he knows everything about gods when it's obvious to everyone else that he knows nothing.

  ***

  Tips for the bored gods that tried everything:

  1. Have you tried to die? It might sound strange, but dying is easy. All it requires is for a sufficiently strong being to destroy you. Then you'll be reborn somewhere else. The universe is infinite.

  2. There are lots of ways to die. Get sucked into a bck hole and crushed by its gravity. Be shot by a super-weapon and incinerated by its heat. Die of old age and rot like a piece of meat, or drown in va, or be eaten by a giant monster, and so on and so forth. I recommend donating your powers somewhere and die from the ck of energy.

  3. You could also try to create a paradox by killing yourself or being killed by your own weapon of mass destruction. Paradoxes are cool. Become a Schrodinger's cat and watch the universe colpse in on itself.

  4. If you're feeling really adventurous, try jumping into a wormhole and going back in time. There will be your parallel universe you, and you two will be bored gods in a universe that's almost exactly like ours. It's a lot of fun, but it can get confusing if you're not careful.

  5. If you're feeling really crazy, try creating a pocket dimension and live inside of it. Make that the time flows fast inside the pocket, so you'll get older faster than in our reality, and younger if you go in reverse.

  6. If you're feeling like you want to be the god of the day, try going on a rampage. Your 15 minutes of fame in Godnet will be awesome, and you'll probably gain more followers than any other god. Just remember not to overdo it—you don't want to get killed.

  7. Lastly, just have fun. Paint using yourself, make two mortal fall in love, or even transmigrate someone. You can do whatever you want. Just make sure not to hurt anyone.

  8. Oh yeah, and if you ever decide to become an evil god, remember this: don't trust any demons or devils you meet. They are pretty damn efficient divine wyers, and you never know what they'll do to you behind closed doors.

  9. If you are REALLY bored, go to the divine supreme court, and become a judge. You can sit there all day and not do anything. Just make sure not to mess up too badly. You don't want to lose your job.

  10. And finally, if you are still bored, just start doing random stuff in the multiverse. Be a Deus ex machina, cause havoc and mayhem. Do what you please. The only thing stopping you from causing chaos is your own sanity.

  ***

  Tips for the zy gods:

  1. If you don't feel like dealing with people, just ignore them. Followers are cool, but sometimes they're just annoying. Don't help them when they need help either—it's too much effort for you to handle. If they're crying about something, give them some money and let them figure it out themselves. You don't want to use your powers, anyway.

  2. Don't bother trying to save the world every week. Just give them a warning when it's about to end and let them deal with it. The st thing you want is for them to thank you. If some old dude with a wise face says someone is a chosen one, give that chosen one a blessing and let him or her figure things out alone.

  3. Don't waste too much time thinking about what to do next. You can think about that ter. You have eternity, after all.

  4. If you somehow wasted an eternity zing around, then you should probably get another one. You can get a new life or reincarnation whenever you want. It's pretty cheap too, compared to being dead.

  5. Remember, zing around for too long may cause in loss of identity, amnesia, or insanity. So try to keep yourself occupied by making alternative universes and pying god with them. That way, you won't forget who you are.

  ***

  Tips for the mortals that want to be a god:

  1. If you have been born as a human, then just accept your fate and be happy. It will be much easier for you if you stop asking questions and just do what your parents tell you to. Let your country control your soul. It's easier than being a god.

  2. If you have become a mortal because of an accident (e.g., being hit by a meteor), then just be grateful for your new life. Your previous life probably was so stressful. Do you really want to climb the dder again? Just be content that you're alive now. And be thankful that you're not a dog. They have it so rough.

  3. For the mortal humans that ignored the first tip, welcome to the club. You can still become a god. It's not impossible if you're willing to put in the effort. You can always ask someone on Godnet for help (I recommend the Candy Bear God. I heard he's been resurrected). If you don't have access to it, climb the dder! Become immortal first, then amass followers, gather divine power, and you'll eventually reach the top of the pyramid!

  4. Don't become a god by yourself. It's too hard, especially since you don't know the rules. Be a fish in a small pond before you try swimming in the ocean. Start off small and grow from there.

  5. Don't make yourself immortal right away. It's tempting, but if you get killed early on, you'll never get your chance to become a god. Fool everyone, change identities, and live long enough to see yourself becoming a god.

  ***

  Godnet is full of content, so be careful when browsing through it. Some information is useful, while the other is not. Here are some tips:

  1. If you are looking for a specific deity or subject, type it in the search bar at the top of the page. Remember the number of the universe, and you can find your deity easily.

  2. When you are browsing through the different subcategories, look at the tabs above the text. There is also a tab with the list of deities in each category and their attributes. Everyone can have infinite power, but limited ones? That's where it gets interesting.

  3. The news section is pretty useless, since it premonitions the future, which is not really possible. Also, it can be really confusing when it predicts that someone is going to die soon, and that person is still alive. I recommend ignoring it completely.

  4. The forums are pretty good, though. Quadrillion posts per second, you can't go wrong with that. Just post nothing offensive in the chat box, or else you'll be banned forever.

  5. The articles section has a lot of information, including how-to's, advice columns, and so on. You are here right now reading this article, so you already know it works!

  6. The books section is also pretty cool, especially for those who like to read. But most of these books are written by humans, so they are not very reliable. Akashic records are better than human memories, anyway.

  7. Auction page is where thing gets interesting. There are many items up for sale in there, most of them are rare and valuable. Just be careful with your bidding; you don't want to spend a fortune on an item that turns out to be worthless. Thankfully, divine demon wyers are very efficient in such cases.

  8. And finally, the gallery page shows all kinds of artworks created by various artists. You can buy any of them if you want to decorate your home with some delightful pictures. Or you can pirate them, but those demon wyers might come after you if you do.

  ***

  If you're really bored with the current state of affairs in Godnet, remember, you can simply just die. No one will care about you anymore, and you'll be reborn into an alternative universe. If you're really bored and want to try something else, go ahead. It's all up to you.

  ***

  The End.