I panicked for a second, thinking she'd seen through me, but that didn't seem likely. She was probing to see how I'd respond.

  It shocked me that Madeline used his first name. It wasn’t something servants did, even if given permission. Their retionship was closer than I'd assumed.

  I tugged at the fear that was my companion and didn't speak until my body was trembling. "A—a—gi—girl's." I paused, my chest heaving. That little trick worked too well. It wasn't the same as using other memories to get the right emotional state when acting in front of others. The fear was harder to control, taking over and pushing me into a darkness I wasn't ready to face. My hand rose, clutching at the wrist of the hand still holding my face the grip tightening. "A girl's ma—marriage depends on how much her family cares about her.”

  I wanted to be angry. I should feel something about her disrespect. I knew I should sh out, but I stood there, my knees threatening to give out.

  Catherine’s value dropped lower on my mental abacus.

  “As usual, he's right. Bastien has a soft spot for useless things, so I thought this was his pity acting up again, but you might not be as stupid as I thought." Madeline wiped her hand against her dress. "Well, you were born in the Ka tribe and didn't come to the duchy until you were nine. Women from that tribe know the value of men better than any." Her lips compressed and her eyes burned with disgust. "I didn't think you could do much, but he insisted on watching you to see if you were worth recruiting or using.”

  "Using?" I asked.

  "Haven't you figured it out?" she asked, her gaze returned to being kind.

  I shook my head. My hands curled into balls as I tried to stop the shaking. "It's--" I searched for the right words. "It's not that I figured anything out, but—it doesn't make sense." I bit my lip, my head looking at the floor. "It's too good to be true." My words started strong but ended in a whisper.

  It took everything in me not to peek up and see if she believed me.

  "You're right. It doesn't." She tutted. "It's good that you could figure out that much. Children with a rougher upbringing are better at sensing emotions, particurly malice. Did you find me suspicious from the start?"

  My head snapped up. Not too much or too little, I reminded myself. Think of this as practice. "No," I said, my hands coming up to clutch each other. "I wanted to--" I let my words trail off in frustration.

  "Ah, you wanted to believe." She ughed it was full, round, and mocking.

  "Catherine 's my friend," I blurted out. My eyes burned with determination. "Catherine 's my friend," I said softer. "Catherine —we're friends?"

  Madeline's gaze looked suspicious before she let it go. "I suppose she could be."

  What did that mean?

  I turned away. "We are. We will be." I said, my voice firm.

  "It would be my niece's good fortune, Young Lady," she said, her voice ced with happiness.

  I reached for my jewelry box as Madeline stood to the side, watching me. I chose the finer pieces and put them in my bag to sell. A ring caught my eye before I shoved it inside.

  I reorganized the information I had.

  Making Madeline's son, the viscount was probably one of Bastien's rewards to Madeline for her help.

  Either Catherine was colteral damage or they needed her for something else. It was probably the former since Catherine was a dowery maid and moved to the capital with me after marriage. If nothing changed, it would be the same now.

  Bastien didn't know about the marriage swap but was already weary of his mother and Selena.

  Selena was a threat to Bastian. The Duchess gave me a clue yesterday--her bitter words about families favoring sons to inherit. That didn’t apply to Selena because she had overwhelming magical talent.

  Was that talent enough to abandon the Royal Family?

  Why did she favor Selena so much? Bastien was her son. Or did she hate men? But the Duke and Duchess had a good retionship.

  No. That didn't fit. I'd eliminated that possibility. Was the engagement to distract and disarm Bastian? A married woman wasn't a threat, no matter how strong she was, but Selena married Baron Smolt.

  The st piece of the puzzle eluded me. I didn't know the Duke and Duchess's goal, and why they were going to such lengths for Selena.

  Was it a prophecy?

  Or divination?

  They might know about the civil war that was about to happen or the Holy Nation operating in the dark.

  "Do you want to change your neckce?" Madeline asked.

  My hand unconsciously rose to clutch the pedant. It was too bulky to hide under this dress, but I couldn't bear to remove it. I'd have to when I got married, but for a bit longer, I wanted to hold on to this small part of my mother and tribe.

  “Is it fun stealing from children?” I asked. Idiot, I chastised after the words came out of my mouth, but it was too te.

  Madeline's gaze was deeper, more inquiring, and she instantly knew what I was talking about. “Amusing enough. I was taking back what should have been mine.”

  “This is confusing." I took out my diary that I'd hidden under the mattress. I made sure that Madeline couldn't see and started writing. "I’m taking it you are the older sister of Catherine’s father?”

  “The oldest unfavored daughter of the first wife. Very simir to Bastian.” Madeline went and set up the table.

  My head whipped around, jaw sck. Bastian wasn’t the Duchess’s child? I ducked my head, writing furiously.

  Madeline watched—a smile on her lips. “You’re better and worse than you were in the past. At least you’re a little smarter. "Do you record all your thoughts?”

  “Worse?” I asked. My mind focused on the word ‘past’. Fear gripped my heart as I wondered if she’d noticed something. I pushed it aside. "It helps. Like to organize and keep track." I rubbed my finger against the page, a bit relieved. It seemed I'd covered my slip up. "I only just started doing it." The changes in my behavior needed to be reasonable, and expinable by what was happening in my life.

  I was the first to admit I wasn’t smart. I often called myself stupid and na?ve, but I thought I was doing alright.

  Madeline shook her head. “Worse. Why do you think I'm by your side?”

  I didn’t have an answer to that, having only recently figured out that the Duke or Duchess hadn’t sent Madeline to my side. In all my considerations, I didn’t even remember Bastian. Hell, other than Selena, I often forgot about my other siblings. “I was useful,” I said with more confidence than I felt.

  She nodded. “Why am I here now?”

  I tilted my head to the side. “I’m still useful.”

  Madeline nodded. “Good.” She walked to the window and looked into the courtyard. “I don’t know what stimuted you; if it was the seven days of harsher than usual confinement or the news of your marriage, but you’ve changed. That's not a bad thing. Bastien thought you might, which is why he sent me to test the water, but I thought you were too dumb and angry.”

  My heart raced. Madeline brought up the one thing I didn’t want others to notice. I kept silent for fear of revealing more than I already had. “Have I?” I checked my behavior from top to bottom but couldn’t figure it out.

  “How many times have you left this room?” Her hand swept out, but she didn’t look away from the window.

  Oh. Yeah. fuck. I was too quiet.

  Idiot.

  Brianless fool.

  I had a behavior blueprint from my past life and still missed that detail. No. It was because of the learned behavior from my past life that I'd made the mistake. I'd spent so many years trying to be as small as possible and praying that no one noticed me, that it unknowingly affected my actions now.

  Yeah.

  How often had I left this room?

  It was only four to five times in as many days. Unless someone called, I didn’t leave my room as though someone chained me inside.

  The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it was.

  What determination to die?

  I felt scared.

  The choices I had to make, the future, my shadow—all of it scared me. My most reckless and decisive action was threatening the Viscountess and asking permission to leave the castle. Other than that, I stayed in my room and plotted in circles, wondering about everyone's thoughts and what their actions could mean.

  My memory wasn’t clear, but before I never missed a meal with the family, I was always running out to make a mess in the gardens, and sneaking out to see the Crown Prince.

  Why else were they always punishing me?

  Everywhere I went, I made trouble.

  If they locked me away for punishment, I'd sneak into the kitchen and eat until I vomited.

  I'd torment the maids and stalk Selena, mirroring her every action because, as disdainful of her as I was, I also wanted to be like her.

  At this time, in my life, I dedicated my entire heart and soul to making my presence known. I refused to let anyone forget me, even if they looked at me with disgust. I took pride in the staff's dislike. The duchy's animals ran when they saw me coming. I loved it when the Duchess had to cancel pns because of some mess I'd made. The more they let me get away with—the bolder I became.

  It was a way to affirm my existence.

  “Why did he send you then, and why are you here now?” I sat still, the notebook clenched in my hand. It wasn't that they didn't notice the change in me--it's that no one thought it would make a difference in my situation.

  “We were watching to see if there were clues about the Duke’s intentions. You also made a general nuisance of yourself that we hoped to use to our advantage.” Madeline moved from the window. "Catherine was to indulge and facilitate your recklessness." The ornaments at her waist no longer clinked together as she walked.

  “And now?” I asked, wanting to be calm and collected, but my voice trembled. I felt disheartened, wondering if my actions made a difference.

  Madeline didn’t seem shocked by my behavior, only curious. “I don’t know. Bastian ordered me to be upfront if you hinted at wanting to meet.”

  If I could guess how people would react, they could do the same for me. They had the advantage of having people around them to help. I cheered myself up. A few cuts and bruises while learning something new were expected. I was starting, and I hadn't stumbled too badly. II cheered myself up and tried not to feel like such a failure.

  The brother I didn't know or remember had a firm grasp of my situation. He tested me, and I suspected him. Well—I doubted Madeleine, who worked for him, which was close enough. The question was whether I could believe anything Madeline said. “Is there anything you know? I've been trying to piece it together, but can't figure it out.” I spoke the truth but kept it vague.

  Madeline pondered my words. “We can't expin your presence in the castle. Everyone is trying to figure it out. Do you know why the nobility favored members of the Ka Tribe as mistresses?” When Madeline saw me shake my head, she continued. “There are three reasons. First, women of the Ka Tribe only give birth to daughters. Second, they never stay with the child’s father. Once pregnant, they return to the tribe, ensuring the child never knows their parentage. Third, they have a death vow made in the name of the Goddess Avea that they won't marry. All three make them ideal mistresses. No desire for marriage. No desire to make their children the heir or fight for property. And then there is you, a child of the Ka Tribe, left with their father and arranged in a marriage. If he wanted you dead, there are easier ways to kill you.”

  A chill settled into my heart. Madeline only knew that much, but I’d—not only married—but given birth to a son. In my heart, I knew my son was a miracle, but I knew nothing about the death vow. The second I signed the vows on my wedding day, I should have died.

  My gut reaction was to question whether I was a member of the Ka Tribe, but my hair and eyes weren’t fake. Then there were also the words of the Queen Dowager on my wedding day. Ka Tribe bitch.

  I hesitated for a moment. “My mother sold me to the Duke,” I reported the figure, but again felt it was about more than money.

  “That much?” Madeline’s eyes were wide. “It’s not a rge sum, but it’s not small either. It's a waste if all he intends to do is let you die.”

  I didn’t expin the Duke’s pn because there was no evidence, and I didn’t trust Bastian’s interest in me. Plus, I'd have to expin how I knew it and couldn't.

  “When can you arrange a meeting between us?” I asked. Today was suitable. I had pns to leave the castle, and they were more important.

  She gave me a chastising look that had me shrinking my neck. “Why is it that complicated? Bastian is in the library every day from five to six. You can also go to his office.” Her gaze was critical. "What happened? You've always marched around this castle like an owner."

  I felt the heavy weight of a chain attached to my ankle dragging me down. It would be better if it were a physical chain that I could break. However, it was another mental issue I had to deal with. I was used to having people tell me where to go and what to do. I didn’t even think to question it, staying in my room, and making small moves.

  “I'll visit him the day after tomorrow in the library at five.” The system said I needed to scan books, but didn't have any other stiputions. Why did I add visiting a bookstore to today's already busy pns instead of going to the library?

  Why did it have to be complicated?

  My fingers scratched at the paper, causing it to tear.