Chapter 5: Punctuation's Broken Thoughts (Part 2)

  Haitao's eyes were as sincere and honest as can be, staring into mine, my eyes couldn't escape. I felt the iceberg that had been floating endlessly on the boundless icy sea within me melt under the warmth of this sunbeam, I felt the Sahara Desert where not a blade of grass grew for thousands of miles transform into an oasis teeming with life under the gentle nourishment of the rain clouds in the vast sky, I seemed to hear the songs of the birds on Bear Mountain, the yips of the leopard cubs, and Grandpa's deep blessings!

  Haitao swallowed a mouthful of air with great effort, his low voice flickering in the air.

  "Old Six! What I'm going to say today is the voice of all my brothers. You'd better listen carefully and respond after you've heard me out. To be honest, I've never really looked up to country folks. My family's from Rizhao City in Shandong Province, and my old man does seafood business - he's pretty well-known back home, if I do say so myself! But because of that, all those relatives from the countryside are always coming to our house, begging for money or asking my parents for help."

  "One or two times is fine, but they just stick to you like glue. When they get home, they don't practice hygiene, not taking off their shoes, spitting and throwing cigarette ashes everywhere, not washing and having a weird smell all over their body. They eat like pigs, drink like cows, and use their own chopsticks to take food from the communal plate, making me feel extremely uncomfortable and annoyed everywhere. But you can't offend them, if you say one wrong word or give them a wrong look, they'll start talking about how their ancestors helped your family for generations and how close your relationship is with them, making you feel embarrassed and speechless. Therefore, I've always been particularly disgusted by country people, and I have a fixed impression of them: that is, country people are unrefined, uncultured, shameless and despicable, a group of beggars who don't know how to be ashamed."

  "To be honest, the first time I saw you, I felt disgusted. I thought to myself, 'How unlucky can I get? I've encountered another poor devil, and he's so young!' I was so annoyed that I almost changed dorms. But then I saw that Shi Wei and the others were all city people, so I let it go. I thought to myself, 'No big deal, I'll just give you a little money when you come asking for loans.'"

  He paused for a moment, raised his head and took a sip of wine.

  The surroundings were eerily quiet, Shi Wei and the girls were tensely watching Haitao and me, afraid that I would make some unusual move when I couldn't take it anymore. After all, Haitao's words had already exceeded their expectations of the research proposal content. They were extremely worried that Haitao's words would be an insult to me.

  I didn't move, didn't speak, didn't make a sound, and even my gaze remained unchanged, still calmly watching the sea waves. I was thinking about his words, waiting for his next sentence.

  "At first, I found that you could eat well and save money, a meal for just one yuan. When you even ate Wu Wenli's leftover food, I was surprised, wondering if this guy was a pervert, coming up with all sorts of ways to eat women's leftovers?"

  "Not long after, Shi Wei told us that you scolded Wu Wenli for throwing away a bun that had been bitten into in front of you, and the two of you got into a fight. I thought you were being too dramatic, it's just a bun, only a few cents! Is it worth making such a big deal?!" "Not many days later, I saw you eating a lot with your manuscript fee, and then getting diarrhea, which made me laugh for a while! Damn, isn't this the reincarnation of a starving ghost?!"

  "In the end, you only ate dishes that cost 50 cents! I was puzzled, how could you starve yourself when your body needed nourishment? Were you really that poor? I told myself that if you opened your mouth, I would give you as much as you wanted, and I wouldn't ask for it back. I waited for you to ask me for money, but you never asked anyone for help. Other classmates were comparing with each other buying mobile phones and brand-name clothes, but you never showed even a hint of envy, dressing so simply, eating so plainly, using things so frugally, yet I never saw any self-abasement on your face!"

  "I never thought you'd skip class every day to go out and work! And when caught by the teacher and student union, you even dared to resist and scold those stupid student union members! I *** suddenly have some admiration for you! Awesome! You've got character! Unique enough! No wonder you could get into a top university at 14!"

  "Until later, we brothers watched you grow taller and stronger, like you had taken some kind of hormone or fertilizer! We were even more puzzled, what on earth was this kid? How come everything about him was a mystery? You weren't afraid of being disciplined by the school, yet you still dared to skip class. You simply didn't take this school seriously at all! Admirable!"

  "You usually look stupid in class, I even suspected that you might have some kind of neurological disorder or mental problem. But your talent is great, what kind of books do you read every day? How does it relate to our major? But your grades are still good! We just think, damn, this kid is really *** smart!"

  "But we've always wondered why you dislike interacting with everyone and don't participate in school clubs or activities. It wasn't until later that we found out you're actually an orphan! Sigh!"

  "We analyzed that you must have entered society too early and now lost your love, we feel that you may have overgrown depression and thought closure syndrome, to the point where you resist everything. The counselor wants to talk to you, but you can drag it out or escape if possible, even when found, you treat the teacher like nothing, letting him talk endlessly."

  "We know you're struggling, we urgently hope to help you solve life's difficulties with brotherly love, help you find yourself back, don't go on like this, don't torture yourself, don't make yourself live so tired! Isn't it just money? Brother, I have it! Isn't it just women? They're everywhere!"

  Haitao let out a long sigh, feeling that he had finally expressed all the doubts, questions and dissatisfaction that had been bottled up in his heart and mind for so long. He picked up the wine cup that someone had filled earlier and downed it in one gulp.

  "Awesome!" he exclaimed loudly, "Really awesome! Awesome! Awesome!"

  Then Shi Wei started his sentimental bombing, which later became my legend: "Lao Liu, it's not that I'm saying you, but you're too capable of eating bitterness! And also too stupid!"

  "You don't want the school's student loan, you ignore the special hardship relief fund, you don't buy clothes, you don't eat snacks, you don't smoke or drink, you don't play online games, you don't chase after pretty girls, you don't like chatting or playing cards. We spend tens of yuan a day, while you only spend three to five yuan; we have fun, you work, we ride nice cars, you ride broken bikes. Afraid of disturbing our rest, you go read under the streetlights; afraid of disturbing our playtime, you just sit alone and think. Whatever we're curious about, you consider it not worth playing with; whatever we need, you couldn't care less."

  "We really want to help you, support you, even take care of your living expenses, but nobody dares to mention it, why? You're too cold! Your silent face, gloomy eyes are like a bucket of cold water, making us worry that it will pour down on our enthusiastic heads at any time. Your weird personality, unique ideas, and terrifying thoughts make us wonder where this cool and strange species came from?"

  Then his words went off topic, presumably with some emotional sighs, and his ideological realm has been sublimated.

  "Ah, Long Bao! Ah——Lao Liu! Your proud figure is like a rare orchid in the deep mountains, your noble temperament is like the finest clouds and mist, the Peony King, the Great China. Your strong personality is like the hottest pepper in the world, like the garlic in the mouth of the sea waves, so beautiful, so handsome, so extraordinary, so Chinese, so Shandong style, and yet so thought-provoking! Ah! Long Bao! Lao Liu! You are simply my idol, simply my sun!…… I want to pursue you!"

  I'm going to explode!

  No one could hold back the laughter that had been suppressed for so long, and I finally let out the happiest and most joyful laugh since my grandfather's passing. All my worries and unhappiness were forgotten in Shi Wei's small eyes, which were less than two square centimeters in size and were spinning around with a mischievous glint!

  As I lay down, my whole body relaxed, feeling light and airy. With the influence of wine, I felt another me leaving my body, flying away - no, it was already in mid-air, looking at myself with a sense of relief, gazing at myself, interpreting myself. I felt as if I were no longer myself, yet I still had such a real sense of being myself.

  This is an inexpressible delight, this is an incomparable sensation, this is an indescribable feeling, my eyes gaze into my eyes, my thoughts interpret my thoughts, my soul moves my soul.

  Good heavens!

  At that moment, such a scene flashed through my mind:

  A child planted a seed and it sprouted tender shoots.

  The child leaped and shouted with joy: "I am an absolute life! An unquestionable life! A real life! I have created a life with my life! Oh, life, oh, God! I have already repaid you!"

  Suddenly, life or God appeared among the clouds, gently stroking my head with loving eyes, stroking my eyes, stroking my body, stroking my heart, stroking my life, and stroking the life I created with my life. With love, he said: "My child, you have repaid me, but what about your own wishes?"

  My arrival in this life was a decision made by the heavens, and the first mark on my life was the bloodline of the Dragon family, inheriting and continuing the genes of my ancestors. The fact that my life is cursed is an unchangeable reality that I was born with. The pain and disaster of my family predetermined my fate, and my life was tinged with a sorrow that cannot be escaped. However, the sorrow of life is not the sorrow of living. How can I attribute blame to life because of this? How can I take the sorrow of life as the sorrow of living?

  I really don't understand what life is all about! The years of life are made up of moments, but has human existence ever been just a matter of life? Human existence is an annotation of life, and life is only a prerequisite for human existence. It's a natural imprint. How can I equate life with living, with human existence? How can I keep entangling my life with my existence in life?

  I have spent the years of my life waiting for death, I have entangled myself in the curse of the heavens and cannot extricate myself, how wrong is this!!

  I should have turned the sorrow of life into a struggle for life, I should have changed the curse of life into the driving force of my life, I should have fought against the process of life to make it my own journey, I should have ignored my past, forgotten my time, discarded my pallor, and lived the life I wanted.

  My solitary journey, incomprehensible to others and painful to myself. The consequences of self-imposed isolation are further isolation, the consequences of escapism are further escapism. I continue my life's history in hollow thoughts, astonishingly unaware that my meaningless contemplation has driven me mad! My life's time flows away eternally and uniformly, and I find myself halfway through my journey.

  Time slips away quietly, the moonlight is also beautiful, but I, under the moon, have empty hands. It wasn't until today that I realized, I'm even tired of my own loneliness.

  I was lamenting my own frivolity when ignorance made me shed tears!

  I have nothing to offer for the life I've neglected. My only consolation is that I've finally walked out of the desolate wilderness.

  Looking at them, who are silently caring for me and enthusiastically guiding me around the table, I feel like I've finally understood the meaning of life. I'm smiling, and at the same time, I'm also shedding tears. This comfortable feeling in my eyes and heart makes me no longer suppress myself, bury myself, or fear myself. The tears that bring me joy are flowing freely on my face!

  I'm overwhelmed with tears! Yet I feel utterly relieved!

  I have finally found back my life, my happiness, my heart. I will face everything that comes in the future with confidence!

  They looked at me, laughing loudly but with tears streaming down their faces, waving their hands and feet but with eyes shining brightly, and couldn't help but glance at each other, wondering what had happened to me.

  Shi Wei's face was smiling but his eyes were not, as he cautiously asked me: "Lao... Lao Liu, is everything all right?"

  I am overjoyed and eager to accept these brothers who have entered my life and influenced my destiny. I suddenly feel a deep affection for Shi Wei's eyes, which I had never noticed before could convey so many expressions and emotions. It seems that through his eyes, I can see into his heart. I jump up excitedly, pick up the wine glass, and walk over to Shi Wei, blurting out: "Third Brother, I just discovered today that your eyes are beautiful! They touch my heartstrings! Third Brother, come, let me toast you first, and then I'll toast everyone else!"

  The people at the table couldn't adapt to the sudden 180-degree change in me, which was completely different from before. Countless questions burst out of their hearts: Is this really Long Bao? Does he have a problem or something? How can he change so suddenly? This has never happened before! He's actually still smiling happily? He's even raising his glass for a toast? He rarely smiles, and when he does, it's just a slight curl of the corners of his mouth! What's going on here? Who can tell me what's happening?

  Looking at their stunned expressions, I knew the reason. I suddenly felt so touched. I held up my wine glass and clinked it against Shi Wei's cup, who was also holding his cup with a silly expression, "Clang!", I followed their lead, tilting my head back and finishing it in one gulp!

  Suddenly, the spicy **rolled down, quickly spreading the burning sensation throughout my body. I picked up the wine bottle from the table again to pour some more, but no, this bottle is too small, I shook it, and it seemed like there really wasn't any left.

  Haitao and the others have long been bewildered by my bizarre behavior, perhaps because of the severe stimulation caused by my previous words, leading to such a terrifying consequence with obvious mental illness characteristics.

  I saw me shaking the wine bottle, or Fen sister was meticulous, and quickly took another bottle of wine over. Almost in a flash, I poured full of wine, facing everyone said: "Big brother, second brother, third brother, fourth brother, fifth brother, I apologize to you today! From now on, we are brothers, I'll drink first!"

  An unstoppable **, I desperately need this unique ** to pour into my throat. I raised the wine glass and learned from Haitao, turning around in a circle, pouring it into my throat, swallowing it down, without caring about the pungent feeling that rushed up my nose. I continued: "Thank you! Thank you for your concern for me, thank you!"

  At this time, tears continued to gush out of my eyes.

  Everyone is even more at a loss now.

  "Are you okay?" Haotian came back to his senses, feeling quite resentful of himself for saying those words earlier, causing this already pitiful little brother to lose his composure. He silently cursed himself: "Damn it, I'm such an idiot! Who can stand hearing such stupid words? If someone said that to me, wouldn't I want to fight them?"

  I let the tears flow on my face, laughing and making a hoarse sound from my throat: "What's wrong with me? Now I'm the happiest! Big brother, thank you! Thank you for waking me up, bringing me back!"

  I picked up the wine glass again and grabbed the bottle, ready to pour another round and have a toast with everyone.

  Haitao and Shiwei decided I was drunk, they stood up, one holding me back, the other trying to grab the wine cup and bottle, determining from experience that I couldn't drink anymore, or else using wine to drown my sorrows would lead to trouble.

  The more I laughed and cried, the less they could understand. The less they understood, the more they feared, until when I still tried to put my mouth into the cup under their coercion, they were frightened to the extreme!

  Haitao shouted loudly: "Shi Wei, come on! This kid's mother is so strong!"

  I struggled and shouted loudly: "What's wrong with you? Get out of the way! I want to drink! I want to drink with you!"

  Haitao saw that it was really difficult to force me not to drink, so he said to me with his rich experience in the wine world: "Alright, Longbiao, listen up! You want to drink, right? Fine! Big brother will keep you company! But if you're a man, you have to listen to me. You can't drink anymore. Let's wait and drink later, how about that?"

  As I listened to him speaking, he loosened his grip on my hands, pressed me onto the stool, and leaned his head against my ear, saying: "Today, big brother was wrong to you, shouldn't have said those bird words! If anyone's to blame, it's this stinky mouth of mine, damn it! So disobedient!"

  He looked at me and said, "Are you okay just now?"

  "What's wrong with me? I'm just happy, very happy!" I denied his words.

  "Is it because your brother hurt you with his words today? You're like this after drinking for the first time?" Haitao said.

  "No, no! I'm even more grateful to you for enlightening me and giving me a wake-up call. For a moment, I understood many things, it's like a sudden awakening from a dream!" I said frankly.

  "Aren't you angry with me for what I said to you just now?"

  "Weird? I still want to drink well with you guys and thank you sincerely!" This is what I truly think.

  "It's really not strange?" He still had some worries and doubts.

  "No wonder, absolutely no wonder!" I completely dispelled his doubts for him.

  "Good! Brothers are brothers after all! Satisfying! So can you still drink?"

  "I can!" I sprang up suddenly!

  "Alright! Come on, come on, come on! All brothers and sisters stand up! Let's do it together!"

  Wu Qingfen handed me a tissue, indicating that I should wipe away my tears. It was only then that I realized my face was covered in tears.

  Haitao saw that my movements were very calm and my smiling face was nothing out of the ordinary, he let out a sigh of relief in his heart, and then asked me: "Tell me, what just happened?"

  I may have really drunk a lot of wine, and it seems that for someone who has never drunk before, I should be drunk by now, but I feel like this wine is just a strong stimulation to my throat and stomach, without giving me any of the intoxication described in books. I am clear-headed, and I know exactly what he wants to ask, which is exactly what I have been puzzled about. Now that they are my sworn brothers, I suddenly feel it's necessary to tell them all my stories, including the strange scene I just saw in my mind. They have the right and reason to know everything.

  Most importantly, I really want to say, extremely yearn to tell them.

  I let out a long sigh, and in my heart, I replayed that seemingly distant history on the sky, smoothing it out. I quietly retraced that road from Dafeng Village to Tianlei Township to Jiangping Town to Changhan to this "Waiting for Dinner" restaurant.

  "Alright, listen to me tell you a story, my story, true, my story. I was born into a family that has been cursed by heaven for generations, and none of our ancestors have passed down why we were cursed, or how the curse could be so vicious as to last for thousands of years. Our family tree records that from our ancestors to me, there have been sixty-four generations, and no matter what methods our ancestors used, they only left behind a single male heir to continue the bloodline. None of my ancestors lived past thirty years old, and all of my grandmothers would leave this world within a year after their husbands' deaths; they were all buried on the small hill in the backyard of my childhood home."

  "It is said that this curse is extremely vicious and will likely bring calamity to their wives' families or some friends. For thousands of years, my ancestors have tried every means to shake off this curse but are powerless against it. They have completely given up hope on this curse, so they rarely make friends and live in solitude, not wanting to implicate others, waiting for the death curse's verdict before the age of thirty."

  I don't care about their expressions, as if they're listening to a fairy tale or a legendary story. I just want to tell them everything, whether they believe it or not. If I don't say it out loud, my heart will feel like there's a huge stone weighing me down, suffocating me and making me unable to breathe.

  "My father and mother both passed away before they were thirty, I was only nine months old when I became an orphan. An elderly widower named Qi Grandfather who had a long-standing relationship with my family adopted me, we relied on each other for survival. Later, grandfather suffered an unexpected accident, he became paralyzed in bed and couldn't take care of himself..."

  My tears are uncontrollable, I miss my grandfather Qiu more than ever, thinking of his chest, his smile, his face full of wrinkles, even the rough bony hands that stroked my head by his bedside. A huge sadness has enveloped my heart again. The table is extremely quiet, with only my slightly choked voice echoing in the air.

  "Grandpa passed away, just when I came to Changhan to study. I originally wanted to take good care of Grandpa and live with him, but he's gone; I was supposed to go to Hunan to study, but for some reason Grandpa changed my application to Changhan University; I thought maybe Grandpa wanted me and Wenli to be together and get married and have kids in the future, but Grandpa didn't know that his last wish couldn't come true..."

  "In order to fill my terrible stomach and prepare for next year's tuition, as well as pay off debts owed to others, I have no choice but to be frugal. I can only skip class to work part-time, relying on myself to sustain life. I've long been accustomed to being self-sufficient, I won't go asking for loans or handouts, heaven gave me a pair of hands precisely so that I could rely on myself to make a living..."

  "Wen Li is the person closest to me besides Grandpa Qi. Previously, I didn't quite understand why she wanted to break up with me. Seeing Zheng Xue now, I understand - he's really much better than me in every way. Zheng Xue is her true ideal friend and husband. I have no money, no looks, no talent, and I'm young and immature, with a weird personality and temperament. It's reasonable that she doesn't like me, and I've come to accept it..."

  "To be honest, the reason I didn't interact with you guys before is that: firstly, it's because of my family's characteristics; secondly, I didn't know what friends were and thought they were just like my childhood classmates; thirdly, I was afraid of the heavenly curse, thinking that even Grandpa Qi couldn't escape the burden of being childless, let alone you guys? So everything should have been borne by me alone. Fourthly, I overthought things too much and didn't understand many things, so I didn't have the heart to make friends. Fifthly, I really didn't know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with everyone."

  "If it weren't for your words to me today, I would have continued to be muddled. Thank you, really, you made me feel what friendship is! You made me feel how lofty and sincere friendship is! Really, I'm extremely grateful to you!"

  "Cheers! Big brother, second brother, third brother, fourth brother, fifth brother, come on! Fen sister, Yan sister, Ping sister, I sincerely thank you for helping me find myself and understand what life is all about. Thank you!"

  Everyone was astonished and delighted, seeing me raise my cup, before they could react, I had already finished the wine in the cup.

  Is this true? Is this really true? Can something that can only exist in a ghost story be real?

  Materialism has always required us to resolutely and unswervingly struggle against all superstitions! Are we atheists supposed to believe in idealism now? Wouldn't Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Mao be furious enough to crawl out of their graves to settle accounts with us?! Has anyone ever heard of such a strange thing happening around here?! Looking at Longwang's expression, it seems like he's telling the truth, but is this possible? Is this possible? Is this possible?!

  Shi Wei knew a bit about me from me, but I had never mentioned the curse of fate to him. He was surprised to find that there were such mysterious and interesting things on my body. He didn't have any questions of faith or doubt, and with a curious look in his beady eyes, he asked: "Is there more? What's next? Then what?"

  Haitao was speculating about the reasonableness and truthfulness of Longbiao's story, when Shi Wei suddenly disrupted his thoughts, and he became furious: "What else? What else is that Longbiao and we are drinking here! Then what? Then it's you this fool causing trouble! And then? And then it's YOU!"

  Shi Wei sometimes also feared Hai Lao Da. When he saw him get angry, he would suddenly realize that what he was asking was actually nonsense and would awkwardly laugh a few times.

  Haitao furrowed his brow, stroking the stiff stubble on his chin, and muttered: "It doesn't make sense, there's no reason, it can't be explained? This is completely illogical?"

  Liao Ye's face was filled with skepticism: "Old Six, is this for real? You're not just trying to scare yourself, are you?"

  "I solemnly replied: 'This mysterious curse has been carried by our dragon family for sixty-four generations, and many people in our hometown know about it. The ancestors' words are recorded in the genealogy. I won't deceive you, and if it weren't for your help, I would still be carrying this burden and unable to shake it off. Now I understand, I no longer worry about this curse, let it come whenever it wants, I will live out the rest of my days well.'"

  Haitao slammed his hand on the table, stood up and shouted: "Come! Old Six, come! Everyone get up for me! We don't care if there's really some kind of ghost curse or not! What we want is for our Old Six to be fine, happy and together with everyone, enjoying life to the fullest, who cares about heaven or the gods, let the curse go to hell!"

  "Alright! Forget all the unpleasant things in the past, let curses go to hell! Let's do it!"

  My friends, my brothers, I present to you a wine cup that can forever be filled with endless wine. I hope you will fill it with the true and pure liquor, and pour thousands of cups, for I will drink every single one of them.

  My friends, my brothers, my world is beautiful because of you, my world has light because of you. I also have the courage to fight against sorrow because of you, and I have comfort in the hope that you will save me from suffering.

  My friend, my brother, before I finish pouring out this sentimental praise, the heavenly bird with folded wings in this strange icy expanse of water mirror will ferry the fuel for the soul to my burning lighthouse!