Chapter 4 Punctuation's Broken Thoughts (Part 2)

  They say that when humans think, God laughs. In fact, from a different perspective and context, when men fall in love, their brains become stupid, which is also true. Who hasn't been foolish? In dealing with emotions, except for saints, we ordinary people rarely maintain correct rationality, and what dominates our senses and actions is often determined by the emotionalized reaction of the brain.

  At that very moment when I turned around and looked back, I seemed to understand something!

  Zheng Xuele hurriedly pulled Wenli's small hand to our table, slightly excitedly saying to Wu Qingfen: "Great, let's take a photo here!"

  Wen Li saw me at the same time as I saw her, and she was taken aback, seemingly remembering something. Her face turned white, and she was somewhat timidly pulled by Zheng Xue, her delicate body slightly stiff, hiding behind Zheng Xue's back, staring blankly at the table.

  I used to think I would gradually forget Wen Li, although I often unconsciously thought of everything about me and her, but I really thought that was just my memory of this history. However, I had no idea she still lingered so deeply in the depths of my soul. I felt as if my thoughts, senses, hands and feet were all at a loss for what to do.

  I only know that with dead fish-like eyes, I stared at the two tightly clasped hands, and I really wanted to get up immediately, rush over, and cut off this tight grip! This hand is mine! Who are you? Get out of here quickly! I struggled to get up, but Haitao, who was holding me, pressed tightly on my shoulder, making my limbs weak and powerless.

  Haitao stared at his beloved treasure Fen, who had spent nearly half a year pestering him to get her.

  Shi Wei made a strong effort to wink at Wu Qingfen, as if reminding Wu Qingfen to hurry up and drive Zheng Xue away.

  Zheng Xue caught sight of the cake on the empty stool and laughed, saying to Wu Qingfen: "Ha! Who's birthday is it today? Are you having a birthday party? Old friends? Wu Qingfen, introduce us!"

  Wu Qingfen was about to speak, but when she looked up, she met Hai Tao's fierce and evil gaze. She thought Hai Tao was jealous, her heart skipped a beat, and she dared not respond or make a sound.

  Zheng Xue saw that no one was responding to his question, and he felt very embarrassed. He dryly laughed and said, "I won't disturb you! I'll go over there!" After saying this, he pulled Wen Li's hand and prepared to walk towards an empty table in front of them.

  "Wen Li lowered her head and said in a low voice: 'Let's go, take a look at the store up ahead.'"

  Haitao still held me tightly in his arms, his eyes looking into mine, and mine looking at the place where Wenli had just stood.

  "Brother, I know you're suffering, but it's all like this now, what's the point of being like that?" He said in a low voice until they walked out of the waiting restaurant.

  Wu Qingfen finally knew the truth and apologized to me: "Long Bao, I really didn't know, I'm sorry!"

  Shi Weiteng jumped up: "Long Bao! This woman is simply a stupid B! Damn, she's blind, what can't our Long Bao compare to this bird man?!"

  "Come on, Longbiao, it's not worth it!" said Qiu Qin slowly and carefully.

  Wei Yunping followed her boyfriend and said: "Or, I'll introduce you to a classmate from our school, she's even prettier than her!"

  They spoke their words, I watched my own, and felt that everything was gone. The entire world in front of me had only my eyes left. The electrical impulses generated by the nerve endings all over my body made me numb yet sensitive. All feelings were like rivers and lakes, stagnant yet flowing, empty yet full, motionless yet rushing forward in a hurry.

  Emotions, though just a tributary in the long river of life, sometimes determine the loss of control and overflow of emotions. In the years that passed unknowingly, I had been indulging this broken chain of emotions, and under the emotional coloring that I couldn't control, I was finally thoroughly stirred up.

  Good heavens! What's going on? What's wrong with me? What's the meaning of this feeling? What's the matter with people?

  Tell me why she's gone so far away from me? Tell me why you and I are such a beautiful mistake?

  Heaven has given me the flower I wanted, so why play such a dull joke on me?

  Deep-seated entanglement, a tragic ending; parents who passed away early, grandfather who recently passed away; difficult youth, misunderstood university years; fearful future, living sorrow. In what kind of days did I finally reach my 15th birthday, and how will I spend the limited time left in this year?

  Death has been so close to me, while others of the same age are still carefree and living under their parents' wings, I have walked halfway through my life's journey alone in suffering. My life's journey is already middle-aged for others, but for me, it's a fundamentally scarce asset that has long been forcibly deposited into the bank opened by the god of death.

  Good heavens! Is my understanding of the meaning of joy merely a stingy gift from you, like water droplets slipping through your fingers? Is all this an absurd reality?

  Give me an answer! Tell me why everything is like this!

  What is life but a complex and eternal paradox?

  Life is indeed a kind of bitter and unknown wine forever.

  My life is going to proceed with what kind of logic and program in this unknown and inexplicable deduction?

  What way will fate annotate my sorrowful soul?

  The momentary answer after doubt always makes me think I suddenly understand, but in fact, when I thought about it again, my empty heart was not satisfied.

  I opened my eyes, and the faces that stared at me with tension were reflected in my heart. I didn't know that my expression was so sorrowful and miserable in their eyes. They had no idea what I was thinking, they just looked at me in astonishment at my unimaginable sadness. Their concerned expressions clearly told me that they were trying to find the right words to comfort me, trying to alleviate my pain.

  "Come on, let's have a drink, it's just a small interlude." I felt that only this spicy and throat-stinging liquor could wash away my emotions, so while speaking, I poured myself a full cup of this hand-grenade-like liquor.

  Watching me drink cup after cup, Haitao is now more regretful than ever about his original scheme. "Younger brother, this is wine, not water! He snatched the wine cup from you, what are you doing? You're already a grown-up, this little setback doesn't count for anything!" He poured the wine into his own mouth and swallowed it down.

  "At that time, I was also your age, starting from junior high school..." He suddenly stopped talking and didn't continue, nor did he look at Wu Qingfen opposite him, but instead gloomily looked towards Shi Wei.

  Afterwards we evaluated Shi Wei as a real talent. All he said was: "Think back, I was also your age, started writing in junior high school, stories like your first love story, I've written many."

  He squeezed his eyes at Haitao and said, "As for this kind of plot, I use it the most in my works. Qiong Yao wrote to me not long ago to thank me specifically for giving her inspiration... Brother, to sum it up with Shi Wei's theory, a man won't know a woman's ruthlessness if he doesn't go through several emotional experiences, and he won't know the helplessness of love if he doesn't go through several romantic relationships. Women are weird! Haha, I'm done, Haitao, aren't you applauding?"

  He narrowed his small eyes into a slit, looking at Haitao with a funny expression. He thought that his cleverness today should be praised by Haitao, otherwise Haitao would surely expose his glorious love experience in broad daylight, and at the very least, it would arouse Ou Qingfen's suspicion.

  Haitao pretended to applaud, but then turned back to me and said: "Longbiao, today is your birthday celebration. I've had a lot of things I wanted to say to you for a long time now. I'll speak straight, don't take offense when you hear it!"

  Haitao has a big head and a rough face, just like a tough guy. He has a slight mustache that reaches to his cheeks, which is Shiwei's dream. Shiwei once tried to shave off the fluff on his cheeks to create a similar masculine feature, but gave up after two days of trying. Since then, he became another laughing stock in the dormitory. Almost every day, you can see them arguing and bickering with each other.

  Today, Haitao emphasized for the second time that he had a lot to say to me. Just as I was making an effort to calm my mood and prepare to listen to Haitao's words, Shi Wei jumped out again without recognizing good intentions.

  Shi Wei waved his famous bony "right claw" (he had once joked that he was born with a clumsy paw, and hadn't even grasped anything) at the sea of people: "Stop stop stop! The applause just now wasn't enthusiastic enough, doesn't count! Let's do it again! Such a classic speech only got this little bit of applause? Unacceptable!"

  "Hey, Shi Wei! Do you have to oppose me?! Are you itching for a fight?! Can't you see I'm trying to talk?! I've got something important to discuss, stop causing trouble!" Haitao glared at him fiercely.

  Shi Wei didn't put the "door plank" (the nickname he gave to Hai Tao) in his eyes, which were less than two square centimeters in size. With a bit of drunkenness, he also glared: "Ah! I'm telling you, I also have very important things to say first!"

  Haitao was about to shout loudly, but Wu Qingfen said softly: "Haitao! Let Shi Wei speak first, you can say it later."

  Dear Baby Fen (a term of endearment from Haitao's love letter, which was accidentally leaked by Shi Wei and spread everywhere), you've spoken up. Haitao endured for a moment, then magnanimously waved his hand and said: "Fine! You go ahead and speak first! I'd like to see what nonsense you'll come up with this time?!"

  Shi Wei sneered and said, "You all must listen carefully to what I have to say before you can express your opinions. Whoever interrupts me will be subject to personal attacks from me. Whoever expresses their opinion without permission will immediately face a court ruling on my proposal, and it will be enforced! Does anyone have any objections?" As he spoke, his small eyes scanned our faces.

  Haitao said: "If you keep talking nonsense, I'll pour this bottle of wine into your nostrils!"

  "Ah, yeah, yeah," Shi Wei cleared his throat and said, "Today, in front of all our roommates and the three beautiful ladies, I think it's been almost a year since we six guys have been together. Now that Long Bao has arrived, it's time for us to re-examine the issue of our ranking and come to a conclusion. We must fully conform to the trend of history and the will of the people. It's necessary to let the old national system that is no longer suitable for the normal development of dormitory relationships die out, break through the rigid social relationships, and establish a new order that suits the future development of our dormitory. I propose that we immediately abolish the previous ranking system based on individual strength and replace it with either height or age. From now on, we will only address each other as 'Old One, Old Two, Old Three, Old Four, Old Five, and Old Six.' No one is allowed to call me 'Stone Ash' anymore, and I won't call you guys 'Door Board,' 'Earthworm,' 'Literary Selection,' or 'Urine' and other humiliating nicknames. We can only use these new titles from now on."

  Actually, I also know that Shi Wei gave me the nickname "Farmer", and he never said it in front of me. This guy's incredible associative thinking is really admirable. Qiu Qin thought for a moment and immediately spoke out in agreement, because the nickname "Earthworm" was really unpleasant to hear, always making people think of certain places' sizes, causing those understanding girls to misunderstand him; Hai Tao thought that no matter whether it was by height or age, he was still the first, Shi Wei's proposal would absolutely not shake his position as the leader, and if this matter could be formally decided, then he could use his identity as the leader to lecture, besides, the nickname "Door Board" had ruined his physical beauty, and was somewhat indecent, so he also agreed.

  I've always been a man of few words, and at this moment, I'm just an onlooker. What's going through my mind is what will Hai Tao say to me next? This is so serious?

  Cheng Wenxuan had already discovered a conspiracy in the sly eyes of this little rascal, and he immediately woke up and judged that the spearhead was actually aimed at him!

  His slightly chubby figure is the only capital he has to rank second in the dormitory, he has no age advantage, no height feature, just quality. Moreover, he is very satisfied with the nickname "Wen Xuan", this nickname makes him feel a bit like a great man, if Shi Wei's proposal is passed, then the one who loses the most will be him. Now his position is already precarious!

  "No way! I object! Absolutely not!" He shook his head strongly in opposition, but he was no match for Shi Wei with his clumsy mouth and tongue.

  Shi Weili suddenly stood up, his face twisted in a strange and sinister expression, and shouted: "You! I didn't know you were such a conservative! So strongly opposed to ideological emancipation! Reform and opening up! Longbiao hasn't even spoken, but you want to play the role of a clown?! I know what's on your mind, you think you have quality capital, don't you?! Let me tell you, Longbiao already weighs over 140 pounds, his meat is more solid than yours, you dead fatty!"

  Chengwen Xuan looked me up and down, I nodded in agreement with Wenxuan, saying Shiwei was right, he pulled me together to weigh it.

  Shi Weide said, "Cheng Wensheng, you so strongly oppose my motion, do you have some plot to split the country? Do you look down on us brothers? Do you want to spend your second half of life well? Do you want to see tomorrow's sun? Do you want to drink Longwangda's boiled water? Do you want to smoke Haitao cigarettes and eat my food?"

  A heavy and accurate punch landed on Cheng Wenxuan's soft ribs, everyone at the table knew he was powerless to resist, and they were all amused by his expression. Cheng Wenxuan, like me, is not good at speaking, his face turned a little red: "I didn't say no, no, I mean..."

  He immediately seized his words and argued, Shi Wei said: "You didn't say no, did you? So the negation of negation is affirmation, you agree, and Liao Ye, I think he has even less reason to object, right, Urine?" He deliberately emphasized the two words "urine", obviously letting people hear the threat.

  Liao Ye didn't think Shi Wei's jokes were that funny, but since he accidentally called him "Shi Hui" (slaked lime), he had been getting no peace. Shi Wei would shout "urine, urine" nonstop in the dormitory, even calling out to him after using the bathroom at night. Liao Ye said, "Whatever."

  Shi Wei saw that the four of them did not object, and he was secretly delighted. He looked at me with his eyes and said, "As for Long Bao, there is even less reason to object, right? Long Bao?"

  I'm the youngest, and it's rare for me to participate in such a funny activity with everyone, and I've rarely chatted with everyone for so long. Right now, my mind is also full of questions. I know Shi Wei's eagerness to smash the old society, and after pausing for a moment, I said: "Shi Wei, just go ahead and say what you want."

  "OK! Good, now that we've all agreed, we can proceed with formalizing the organization, personnel, and format, and create a legal document! To reflect the principle of fairness, let's still follow the historical order: Haitao is the eldest, Liao Ye is the second, I'm the third, Qiu Qin is the fourth, Wen Xuan is the fifth, and Long Bao is the sixth." Shi Wei pointed to each of our faces one by one as he spoke. "If no one has any objections, we'll invite three beautiful ladies to witness this, and on a fair and public table, we'll cut off the chicken's head, burn yellow paper, and swear brotherhood! You don't know how much I wanted more brothers - my parents only had me, and my only cousin is an absolute idiot from heaven knows where! Long Bao knows how stupid he is!" He immediately put on a pitiful expression, trying to gain even more sympathy from everyone.

  His words immediately resonated with all the boys, good men one gang, brothers one help, who doesn't want to have a few more brothers in this world? Several roommates immediately raised their hands in agreement, even Liao Ye, who was somewhat melancholic, showed a color of appreciation. Haitao was so excited that he slapped his palm on the table: "Good! Good! Damn it, Shi Wei! Your words today made me feel so cool! Refreshing! Well said! I toast to you! Cheers!"

  Haitao stood up excitedly, raised his wine glass towards Shi Wei, made a circle around the whole table, and then drained it in one gulp!

  Shi Weili suddenly felt that the world was so lovely, even the decoration of this small restaurant had a unique charm, even today's weather was cool and refreshing, and the moon in the sky was also big, beautiful and round.

  "When shall we have the bright moon again? Bring me my wine goblet, and ask the blue sky. I do not know in heaven's palace what year it is now..."

  The atmosphere was indescribable and reached its peak, they took out their chopsticks and started banging randomly on the rice bowls, table, and spoons.

  I don't know how to blend in with this joyful and delightful me, but deep down I am a thousand miles of raging waves: Heaven! Is this what it means to swear an oath of blood brotherhood, form a bond like the Peach Garden Oath, or forge a fraternal friendship?

  Is this really happening to me?

  Is it true what Gu Long said: "In a man's life, the most important things are friends, wine, and only then women"?

  Can I really insert these colors into my life? But I've never heard Grandpa Qi say that I can have sworn brothers!

  In my limited understanding of our ancestors, it seems that our Dragon family has always been living a solitary life, rarely interacting with others! The mark of loneliness has been with us all our lives!

  When I was a kid, my grandfather rarely allowed me to play with other kids, and their parents would often find excuses to call them away. After I started school, except when others asked me questions, I didn't like to hang out with them! It wasn't until Wen Li kept bothering me with questions after I saved her that I realized she liked me.

  Living under the shadow of public opinion, I have always been silently and lonely walking my own way and living my own life. Even with two other fellow villagers who were also admitted to Changhan University, I didn't interact with them. With Shi Wei, I only passively chatted with him, and it was under his kind threat that I reluctantly told a bit of my story. However, I still avoided interacting with people! At the part-time job, I was silent except when working, and at the tutoring sessions, I barely spoke except during class, otherwise those two students wouldn't be so afraid of me. They even told their parents that they deeply respected me from the bottom of their hearts, and they strangely understood my lessons quickly.

  I've never heard that my family, the Longs, can have sworn brothers. Will my curse bring unpredictable consequences to these friends and classmates who are about to become my sworn brothers without knowing my secrets?

  But today, because of Shi Wei's words, I have to face the mysterious curse? And how should I face it? Do I really have to let them enter my life and walk into my world?

  Then all my silence about language, escape from passion and closure of communication for the past year would be in vain?

  ……

  No, no, I won't agree to it! Getting too close to the Long family will only lead to trouble. Isn't that why Grandfather Qi didn't have any descendants and died? Those kind-hearted people's concern for me is mostly from a distance, only my teachers take it as nonsense.

  Heaven, to face your curse, I'd rather endure all the pain and misunderstanding. But now, under your unfathomable will, I, who never knew fear, finally feel fear!! Must I die on this table today?

  Seeing Long Bao's worried and distracted expression, Wu Qingfen and Wei Yunping exchanged a glance and asked with concern: "Long Bao, what's wrong?"

  "Old Six! Isn't it just a woman?! How can you be so useless?! Let me tell you, big brother believes in you absolutely! I've never appreciated someone like this before, let alone someone younger than me!" Haitao was about to take a swig of wine with everyone else when he saw my gloomy expression again. He shouted, "How old are you? Fifteen! Dammit! Fifteen! What the hell is Wu Wenli?! She's nothing! There aren't even three-legged ones around, but two-legged ones are everywhere! Let me tell you, I absolutely believe that in the future you will soar to great heights, be renowned throughout the land, and stand above all!"

  The mighty sea waves roared and scolded, with a somewhat resentful tone of "hating iron for not becoming steel"!

  Three girls looked at each other, not daring to refute. Obviously, the three legs in Haitao's mouth referred to men, and two legs referred to women. Who would have thought that a Tsinghua University student would be so crude!

  Shi Wei broke the silence, and the whole table was filled with Hai Tao's anger. The diners at the next table looked over, wondering what had happened.

  Haitao might have felt it, and after a while, he pretended to laugh and said: "Lao Liu, there's a saying that goes like this - 'those who are destined to meet will meet no matter how far apart they are, but those who aren't won't even recognize each other when face to face.' We came from all over the country, became classmates, roommates, and today we've become brothers! What is this? This is fate! The bond of brotherhood!"

  He glanced at the others, trying to get some reaction. Shi Wei and the others quickly caught on and chimed in unison: "Yes, yes! Brotherly bond! Brotherly bond! Fate!" They also nodded to each other, indicating that their views were completely consistent.

  I silently watched, speechless.

  "Everyone's reaction to you is very satisfying, and I'm clearly encouraged by it. So, Old Six, today I have too many things to say to you, and if you listen, you might find it hard to take in. The others know, but they can't find the opportunity to tell you, and everyone feels that if we don't say it now, it'll be too late! But at the same time, we're afraid that if we suddenly bring it up, you won't be able to handle it. To be honest, I'm really worried that one careless word might have an even bigger impact on your introverted personality and cause greater harm to your underage psychology. So, we've been racking our brains, discussing with the brothers, trying to find a suitable opportunity and venue, and that's why we arranged this gathering today. We were afraid you wouldn't agree to come, so Shi Wei had to persuade you. But how do I put it? No way out, wine can boost courage and dispel worries, so we forced you to drink. Who would have thought we'd run into that Zheng Xue here?! Fine, let's just open the window and speak frankly, forget about everything else! Let's get it all out in one go! Come on, let's drink!"

  Everyone worked together, I also raised my glass, and everyone clinked glasses with me, heavily clinking them.

  The wine is rising, hot air swirling in my belly, steaming and scorching my stomach, burning my heart, my eyes are clearly unable to withstand the stimulation of the fiery wine, and they're getting a bit moist.

  My birthday is on the twelfth of May in the lunar calendar. The Dragon Boat Festival, which falls on the fifth day of June, has already brought some heat, and even at night it's not cool anymore. At this moment, I feel too hot, with a big fire burning inside my chest, desperately trying to roast oil out of my five internal organs.

  I instinctively felt that what Haitao was about to say was exactly what I had been thinking in my heart, what they wanted me to face was exactly what I had been trying to escape from, and what they wanted to open up was exactly what I had deliberately closed off. This fiery wine, these fiery words, tonight they burned through, knocked me down, and liberated my heart!

  I have a dream that refuses to be forgotten, I infinitely yearned for the eternal happiness of life in my childhood poetry, but overnight I became a lonely ascetic, a lone ascetic wandering alone in the wilderness.

  I became a wandering ascetic after awakening to the cursed fate.

  I carry a package with no food or water on my back, walking on this land where darkness and daylight intersect. What I want is actually very simple, what I do is just to struggle against fate. But others cannot give it to me.

  At the moment I set out, I saw my people's figures gradually fading into the distance as they gazed at me for the last time and bid me farewell. With their final glance and blessings, I continued on with my life.

  My fate is lost in this noisy and crowded world, under the merciless curse of heaven, my heart is also lost, I want to go find it.

  In confusion, I forget the hardships paid for searching. In exhaustion, I wait for the unknowable days of the future.

  If it weren't for this drunken revelry, I wouldn't have realized that I had lost my life in the midst of this bustling world. Under the cover of this worldly din and in the fear cursed by heaven, I actually took the sorrow of life as the sorrow of living.

  Yesterday, the yellow flowers have withered, all the smoke and clouds have turned into rainbows, my heart's voice is resonating, reminding me of that deeply hidden dream, understand life, when the sacred dawn finally brings the first ray of sunlight, the entangled thoughts in life will also bid farewell to darkness and ignite emotions from this point on.