My Footprints

  Liu Youyou naturally fell silent, the angle of her lowered head unable to avoid Ye Cai's ardent gaze. So she gazed up at the ceiling, pretending to be carefree as she gently swayed her body, taking this opportunity to hesitate and feel bewildered.

  "You're really serious about going?" Ye Cai retreated a step back, laughing and scolding.

  What was said wasn't wrong, Liu Youyou suddenly became serious, lowered her eyes, and let out a slight pout as if she was being spoiled, saying: "I've figured it out, this person's life is meaningless from start to finish, whether it's tragic or glorious, it will ultimately return to ordinariness and extinction. Rather than having ups and downs or remaining unchanged, it's better to end one's life early..."

  Suddenly, she raised her eyes and proposed with a smile: "Let's go buy potassium cyanide?"

  With a soft thud, Ye Cai threw the pillow at her face, using her index finger to express her undisguised contempt, saying: "Really no backbone, more than ten years of being a man was in vain."

  Liu Youyou picked up the pillow and threw it over, lightly spreading her hand, lazily smiling: "Didn't you say that gender doesn't matter? Where did this 'men are allowed to speak' come from?"

  "Foolish!"

  Her voice was stern, but Ye Cai's angry glare turned into a sweet smile as she crawled over, her face tilted upwards, and asked: "Are you done blowing? If you're done, come up here and let me give you a hug."

  Liu Youyou's delicate body, which had stiffened in fright at the sudden roar, gradually relaxed as she rolled her eyes and said, "You scared me to death..."

  She got up in a huff, slammed the hair dryer on the table, and at this time Ye Cai was rolling around on the bed with a pillow, crying and shouting: "Hurry up, hurry up, I'm starving to death, hum..."

  She kicked off her slippers, and with a beautiful spin, she jumped onto the bed with a loud thud, startling Ye Cai. She calmly sat down, pulled up the white quilt with small chrysanthemum patterns, leaned back against the pillow, and lay down flat, a serene smile on her face, as if it was another woman who had just jumped onto the bed with such vigor.

  Ye Cai, still dazed from the shock, shook her head to clear it, then quickly snuggled under the covers, giggling as she lay down beside Liu Youyou, making silly faces and squeezing her eyes shut like a goofball.

  Liu Youyou lay there with a distant gaze, her expression dazed and intoxicated, murmuring: "To sleep like this until death is also a kind of happiness..."

  Ye Cai Rong gently patted her chest and asked: "How does it feel?"

  "Comfortable..."

  "Hmm, I'm quite comfortable holding you too."

  "That's good, mutually beneficial, you continue."

  Suddenly she stopped rubbing, and Liu Youyou involuntarily opened her eyes to see that her face was solemn, with furrowed brows filled with worry.

  Liu Youyou puffed out her chest and said, "Come on."

  Ye Cai struck a classic opposing pose from the 1970s and 1980s Beijing Opera, with his right hand stretched out and his body tilted to one side, his face stern as he said: "Don't indulge in desires, cultivate a clear mind and few desires!"

  Liu Youyou's eyes sparkled with amusement as she licked her lips, tilted her head and said, "You want it too, don't you? What are you resisting?"

  Ye Cai said with a bitter face: "I don't want my thoughts to become an appendage of my body."

  Liu Youyou felt embarrassed after being teased and turned over to lie on her side, saying, "Forget it, let's sleep."

  Ye Cai shook her fragrant shoulders and called out: "Don't be like that, I didn't mean to, maybe it was my fault."

  Liu Youyou was unmoved, but always felt that in Ye Cai's eyes she was a sister without any integrity. But the fact seemed to be just like this, which made her feel embarrassed and humiliated, so she didn't want to bother with Ye Cai anymore.

  Ye Cai strengthened her apology, shaking her fragrant shoulders non-stop, and said: "It's my fault, I'm too unique, I'm too contradictory, I demand too much from myself, I...I'm sick, my spirit is too obsessed with purity..."

  With a whoosh, Liu Youyou suddenly sat up, her apricot eyes wide with anger: "So I'm very dirty, huh!?"

  Ye Cai was taken aback, blinking repeatedly, then smiled and nodded, pointing at Liu Youyou: "Yeah, that sticky water below you, when I wiped it with a tissue, almost made me vomit. You're so kind to help me wipe it, but you don't know what's good for you, yet you scold me..."

  Listening to that childish tone of complaint, Liu Youyou lost the energy to refute in her heart, and she hung her head down, from then on losing confidence and interest in all things.

  "I'd rather die alone..."

  Suddenly, a gentle breeze blew by, and the little loli pounced over, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her head in his chest, and then his chest felt a sudden numbness...

  She curled her lips in disdain and said, "Spare me the details, I'm not breastfeeding, I don't have milk..."

  Ye Cai licked her lips a few times, lifted up her face and said: "How does it feel?"

  "It's okay, it's just numb and tingling, I guess that's what happens when the nerve cells get numb after a while."

  Ye Cai clapped his hands and said: "There's been progress! Your thinking has become much more rational!"

  She leaned in, pinching her own cheeks and said: "You think I'm cute, right? Cute?"

  Liu Youyou pursed her lips and looked away, muttering: "Whatever."

  Ye Cai couldn't believe Zhang Da's big mouth, was deeply hurt, and shook his head pleadingly: "Tell the truth, tell the truth, look at me and say it, am I really not cute? Damn, no wonder our classmates all looked at me like that, turns out I'm not cute at all, haha, I'm not cute..."

  Liu Youyou couldn't help but smile and nodded: "Finally having self-awareness."

  Ye Cai sighed and tilted her head, crawling on her knees to the computer desk, opening a drawer to find money, muttering: "Forget it, I'll just find some money online to hire a chemistry expert to get some ***, die once and for all, rather than deceiving myself into an awkward situation with no meaning..."

  Liu Youyou was shocked and pale, rushed over to hug her waist, pulled and dragged her to the foot of the bed. Ye Cai waved goodbye with tears in his eyes, saying: "Don't stop me, I want to die!"

  Liu Youyou shook her head with tears in her eyes and said: "Don't go, what will I do if you die?"

  Ye Cai was deeply moved, turned around and hugged her tightly, then lifted his face and said sincerely: "Let's do as you said, let's die together, I love you, Youyou sister."

  Liu Youyou's eyes sparkled, and she pouted: "I don't want to die anymore, I want to enjoy..."

  "What's there to enjoy? Is it eating, drinking and having fun? What's good about eating? Can you eat until you're satisfied? After eating, you still have to go to the bathroom, which is a hassle. And what if one day you get stomach cancer or esophageal cancer, then eating becomes your nightmare. Drinking? What's good about it? Even if it tastes good, you'll still need to run to the toilet afterwards. As a girl, squatting for so long makes my legs numb, and if I hold in my pee too long, I might burst my bladder. Fun? Is there anything fun about it? Can society really let you have fun without restrictions? You need to find people to play with, but everyone wants to show off themselves, how can you truly have fun?"

  "Alright, alright, are you intentionally trying to ruin my enjoyment of life?" asked Liu Youyou.

  Bang!

  Ye Caihu's face lit up as he clapped his hands, and with a rhythmic tone, he pointed to his finger and said: "Well asked!"

  "Sick." Liu Youyou muttered with a sideways glance: "One moment so deep, the next so goofy..."

  "Come on, come on, hold me tight, and I'll tell you all about the meaning of life!" Ye Cai La pulled and tugged, gesturing to Liu Youyou to get under the big quilt with her.

  Half pushing and half just, Liu Youyou and she hugged a piece together, lying face to face sideways, Ye Cai rubbed against her and murmured: "Your skin is really good."

  Liu Youyou also rubbed against him and murmured: "Your skin is pretty good too, smooth."

  "This is temporary, we both smoke and drink, like me who often stays up late, will be defeated sooner or later."

  Liu Youyou was taken aback, then touched her face and thought: "I must take good care of myself, it's rare for my skin to be so good..."

  Perhaps it's a matter of values, Ye Cai took a deep breath, pondered and said: "Let me tell you, the meaning of life lies in this, I think, I'm not very confident either, I need your recognition."

  "Hmm, let's hear it."

  Ye Cai tightly hugged Liu Youyou, not tall enough to see her face or expression, so she rode up, straddling Liu Youyou's waist with her legs and hugging her neck. Only then were they face to face. Satisfied, Ye Cai nodded slightly and said seriously: "Don't make that expression, I'm not going to do anything to you."

  Liu Youyou twisted her neck a few times and said, "Don't hold me too tight, I can't breathe."

  "Huh?"

  Ye Cai relaxed a bit and slightly moved back, "Is this okay? I just want to hold you, no other thoughts..."

  Liu Youyou rolled her eyes coquettishly and said, "Then turn around, I'll just hug you."

  After some thought, Ye Cai nodded and turned over, Liu Youyou tightly hugged her from behind, burying her head in the back of her neck, saying: "Is that safe enough?"

  "Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay, hold on a bit tighter..." Ye Cai's limp body murmured.

  Liu Youyou hugged her tighter, rolling her eyes and saying: "I get it now, people like you who are more restrained when they like someone, become even more unbearable when they're being flirtatious..."

  "Helpless, hormones are secreted every day."

  "Aren't you masturbating every day?"

  "Scorpio, you know..."

  "Alright, alright, I've turned off the lights, let's just sleep like this."

  Liu Youyou raised her right hand and touched the lamp on the wall, with a "click", the room fell into darkness.

  "The meaning of life!"

  Liu Youyou was startled and complained: "You're scaring me to death...are you sick?"

  Ye Cai asked himself: "Do you think I'm being too flashy?"

  "Who did you learn from?"

  "I'm telling you this but I'm afraid you'll get annoyed again."

  "I say, I'm not angry."

  "Hmm... Su Xiaoqiu is a pretty optimistic and open-minded guy."

  "Sleep."

  "Hey!" Ye Cai hastily turned over, facing Liu Youyou, "You don't keep your word, didn't you say you wouldn't get angry?"

  ......Liu Youyou finally closed her eyes.

  Ye Cai couldn't help but smile, stroking her face and murmuring: "Actually, after saying so much to you, I just hope that you can be more open-minded, rational, and transparent, rather than being self-righteous, ignorant, and unaware of it..."

  Liu Youyou, who was pretending to sleep, pouted slightly.

  Taking a deep breath, Ye Cai thought: "Actually, discussing whether life has meaning is itself a meaningless thing. But if you want to live without meaning, it's simple - just follow the demands and desires of your flesh. What does this mean? It means that the human body has an instinct for survival in the face of danger, panic, fear, and trembling are all signals from the body telling you that there is danger ahead and you must retreat. If you always choose to follow these instincts, then over time, your thoughts will become a mere appendage to your flesh, losing their vitality and spirit.

  Why do some people feel frustrated or despairing about the distance between reality and ideals? It's because they have subconsciously followed the suggestions of their flesh that fears hard work and labor. They think learning professional knowledge is too much trouble and can't be done. Just like a young woman who wants to become a big star, but in her eyes, this dream seems like an impossible fantasy, so she attributes it to the distance between reality and ideals being too great.

  But is that really true? No, it's not. She just doesn't dare, doesn't dare to pursue, doesn't dare to chase her dreams. Her flesh tells her that staying in the factory is the safest option, so from start to finish, she never thought of taking a step towards her dream. She didn't even have the courage to look for opportunities, let alone train herself. So, she doesn't even have the qualifications to struggle, and she has no idea that when she dreams, her subconscious mind already thinks it's impossible. But the dream is always there, never with any threshold!"

  Liu Youyou's eyes were red, and under Ye Cai's serious gaze, she forced a smile: "Are you trying to provoke me? This great star thing, I don't think the school is very safe..."

  Ye Cai shook her head and said: "Then I'll say it again. What's your view on the meaning of life, okay?"

  Lowering her eyes, she nodded slightly, which was equivalent to consent.

  "I think that the physical body is a shackle, memories and experiences are the iron chains that bind our ambitions and dreams, while thoughts are the imprisoned self. Why do so many people feel that living has no meaning? It's because you always know that the physical body, which represents the shackle, is step by step dragging you to the gallows, where death awaits. The countdown to death itself is a despairing and bleak experience. Once you realize this, you will inevitably feel hopeless and think that life has no meaning."

  "But is that really true? Is the statement that life has no meaning correct? No, no, no, I think that's a manifestation of weakness, it proves you've given up, willing to wait for death, right? And the meaning of human existence, is to prove that you have walked through this road with ease, even if it's a path leading to death, but there are also people who come to see you off, do you want to be seen as a coward who is willing to wait for death in their eyes? Won't happen! Even if you've seen through life, you still need to face it with a smile, with confidence, resisting despair, that's the meaning of our lives. Resisting the shackles and chains that bind our dreams and thoughts, that's what gives meaning. When you resist, your soul will be sublimated, and you'll gain spiritual nourishment that you can't experience otherwise. And dreams, are not elusive and illusory, they're everywhere, if you think you lack something, then go after it! If you lack expression, then write a book, if you lack recognition, then bravely stand on the stage, if you lack interest, then cultivate interest, don't feel impatient, that's your body hinting to you that you're willing to be ordinary, because everything is about finding meaning in resistance, and meaning itself isn't a beautiful thing, it's great and heavy, you need courage to pursue the meaning of life."

  "What he said makes sense... it even made me want to get out of bed and go back to my room to practice singing, but somehow I just can't seem to muster up the motivation..." Liu Youyou sighed with a bitter smile.

  Ye Cai smiled and said with relish, "Take it easy, what I'm telling you is like a seed. As long as you pay attention to the hints your body gives you at all times, it will slowly sprout. Of course, you can also use some strong catalysts, find a powerful competitor, or go look for examples that shock you. Look at those outstanding achievements among people of the same age, don't mock or belittle them, dare to acknowledge the achievements of excellent peers."

  "Hmm, makes sense, what about you? You've said so much..." Liu Youyou tilted her head and smiled.

  Ye Cai gazed out the window, smiling confidently: "The meaning of my existence is to leave my perfect and wise thoughts in the footsteps of history, proving that I was here, Ye Cai was here!"

  "Holding her breath, Liu Youyou forced a smile and said: 'Speak, speak clearly...'"

  "I want to write!" Ye Cai said with a smile, "Write well, and my thoughts, my footprints, my great spiritual realm will be forever preserved in the world!"

  "True, truly self-loving..." seemed to feel an inexplicable oppressive force, Liu Youyou forced a smile.

  "Heh heh, before this, I want to be a good boy for once and make up for his regret..."

  Ye Cai's eyes shifted, her expression friendly and gentle, gazing at a corner of the room, as if she saw there the shadow of her past, which was accustomed to pretending to be indifferent.

  （……）