I want to be a tough guy

  "Do you think you're a boy? Or a girl?"

  Leng Xiao Ya was stunned and silent, with an answer that came out of her mouth inexplicably hoarse.

  "In a physical sense, we are standard girls, but in terms of life experience, we are boys, or rather, unclassifiable. Nearly twenty years of living as boys has created an essential contradiction between our external demeanor and bodily instincts... In other words, when we are not under the gaze of others, alone with ourselves, we are neither boys nor girls, just ourselves."

  "Me?" Leng Xiao Ya muttered in a daze.

  "Yes, we ourselves... I often think that in this world, perhaps there has never been a dull concept of coincidence, but rather the causal chain at work... When people are born, their family's care and nurturing slowly bind them to the causal chain from their family. As they gradually mature, their family binds them to the causal chain of relatives, friends, and society. Everyone's heart is tied to countless causal chains. The more mature one becomes, the more numerous and heavier these chains become. This is why we become increasingly tired, vigilant, and indifferent as we live on - because we can't bear any more causal chains. We're exhausted. Society is like a dense web, with everyone's causal chains intertwined. Our personalities are merely feedback to the outside world and others under the linking of causal chains... Only when we are alone, thoroughly disregarding those complex causal chains, can we be ourselves again, find our original selves. Perhaps some people will be afraid, afraid to face their true selves, because once they lose their causal chains, it's as if they've completely disappeared from society - too lonely, and that would be very desolate..."

  In a low, murmuring voice, the chubby-cheeked girl sat on the bed with her knees tucked in, hugging them tightly to provide warmth. The short-haired girl sleeping beside her seemed bewildered by something, as if everything was just a thin layer of glass away from an endless expanse of darkness and silence.

  "Perhaps what I'm about to say will hurt you, but you are someone I deeply love. You have a heavy karmic chain tied to my heart, and although it may break one day, the thick scar will never disappear. So for our own good, let's try to make things easier for each other... I hope we can stop hurting each other..."

  "It's okay, go ahead..."

  "I think, emotions are a product of immaturity, it's what we actively pull in from the outside world when we're weak and helpless. From start to finish, life is lonely... I hope you understand, I used to be a boy too, and my feelings for you might have been partly because of my female instincts' good impression of you, but also partly because I admire your personality. I'm confused too, maybe I feel like I shouldn't be bound by the concept of gender, or else I'll lose myself... As long as you're here, whether I'm a boy or girl, I'll feel complete, I'm a girl loved by a boy, no need to deliberately escape anything, my heart is full, and that's happiness..."

  After a long silence, Leng Xiao Yu sighed and said: "Xiao Cai, it's so tiring to talk to you..."

  Ye Cai's face lit up with a smile, and she said: "Theories are just theories. Even if we thoroughly understand them, we still have to face life. Otherwise, we might as well be dead... Of course, being dead is too pitiful. We want to live a meaningful life, a fulfilling and confident one... I used to be very afraid of facing my family and friends with their gentle attitudes. I thought it was because I was inferior and guilty, really pointless..."

  "What's the meaning? A meaningful life? Sounds like something a philosopher would say, really pretentious..."

  Leng Xiao Ya squeezed into Ye Cai's arms, resting her head on his thigh. Although she was teasing him, she looked up at Ye Cai with a curious and naive expression, admiring the gentle and serene look on his face. It seemed as though she had never seen such an intelligent woman in this world.

  "What is a meaningful life? Hmm... maybe it's when you try your best not to be lonely and isolated, while not hurting others. When you gain a sense of superiority and accomplishment, it's not at the expense of the patience, energy, and time of friends and family who are connected to you by a heavy chain of cause and effect. In other words, if you're tired of following your family's arrangements and feel exhausted, it's not that you're seeking happiness and love that you lack, but rather self-satisfaction and sublimation. To put it simply, it's not relying solely on others, but finding and pursuing your own desired happiness and glory through yourself. If you can get rid of loneliness and emptiness without putting pressure and burden on the people you love, maybe that's what a meaningful life is."

  "Honor?"

  After a while, a bright light appeared in front of Leng Xiaoyao's eyes, with a kind of yearning and longing radiance that flashed in her eyes for an instant.

  "Hmm!"

  Ye Cai nodded in agreement, saying: "Glory, we want to become brilliant stars, illuminating all the causal chains connected to us, rather than being a black hole that swallows everything."

  "Hmm..."

  After a fit of uncontrollable shivering, Leng Xiaoyu burst out laughing, her heart clear but unable to put into words. Under Ye Cai's gentle and warm gaze, she suddenly stood up, struck a boxing pose, and punched the air several times before letting out a satisfied sigh.

  "I think I've got it now."

  Raising her right fist, she smiled confidently, "I want to be a fighting queen, this is my life."

  Ye Cai tightly hugged her knees, slightly tilted her head and rested it on her right knee, with a warm and peaceful smile on her face, her eyes as gentle as autumn water.

  She glanced at the silly little loli beside her feet, and Leng Xiao smiled awkwardly, pouting: "Don't be like this, you're usually so lively, but now it seems like you're pitiful..."

  "Hmm—"

  Ye Cai let out a long breath and stood up, with his hands behind his back and a sly smile on his face. He said in a teasing tone: "Among friends, someone has to be the fool, I'm willing to be that fool."

  Leng Xiao Yi stared blankly at her, and gradually tears welled up in her eyes. She lowered her head and muttered, "Are you really... happy?"

  Ye Caiwei smiled slightly and said: "At least, you are not happy enough..."

  Take a deep breath, lift your head up, Leng Xiao Yao suppressed her emotions and pursed her lips tightly, nodding: "Don't worry, Xiao Cai, I will come back, and I won't be a burden to you. We'll have an equal relationship..."

  "Hmm..."

  Gentle and comforting eye contact, quietly silent.

  ……

  ……

  When leaving the hotel to go home, Ye Cai expressed his desire to thoroughly act like a man for once, with an overbearing and tough attitude, which made Leng Xiaoyu laugh and cry at the same time. She joked that her soft image was destined not to be suitable for being a man. Ye Cai patted his chest and told Leng Xiaoyu about a kind of masculine spirit called "qi", leaving Leng Xiaoyu stunned and seemingly understanding something.

  On her way back to campus, Ye Cai received a phone call from her father Ye Changhu scolding and questioning her. She smiled apologetically to dispel her father's worries and instructed him that as soon as there was any news about the progress of transforming into cigarettes, he would contact her in time.

  When she returned to the classroom, she smiled and looked a bit shy, receiving a group of male classmates' bewildered and curious gazes. But she believed that soon everyone would look at her in a different way, because she was about to become a powerful and domineering tough guy.

  It was now the fourth period in the afternoon, and I had been with Leng Xiaoyu in the hotel for almost an entire afternoon, which didn't affect my studies much, since her study plan was almost independent of the class's lecture schedule.

  While having dinner, she was pulled by Xiao Xue to a secluded corner, where Liu Youyou had been waiting for a long time.

  Xiao Xue and Liu Youyou immediately asked her about her whereabouts and experiences in the afternoon. Ye Cai Man waved her hand indifferently, saying: "The amusement park has been handed over to the country, from today on, don't talk to me about those heavy topics again, I'm tired."

  Liu Youyou looked at him in surprise and asked: "You, did your dad force you?"

  Xiao Xue scooped up a spoonful of rice and fed it into her mouth, chewing slowly as she said, "You're thinking too poorly of him, her dad is a good person, I can tell."

  "Whatever, whatever." Ye Cai gave a fed-up glance to Liu Youyou, who was still frowning and seemed like she wanted to say something but stopped herself. Then, with a serious tone, she announced: "Hey, you two sisters, I've decided that for the next month, I want to be a tough guy. Do either of you have any good ideas?"

  A tough guy for a month?

  Xiao Xue and Liu Youyou exchanged a glance, sizing up Ye Cai who looked silly yet slightly dazed. Seeing her pouting with an air of proud arrogance, they couldn't help but burst out laughing.

  "She also wants to act tough, haha..."

  "I reckon it won't be long before everyone in the class finds out she's a girl."

  "Hmm - when the time comes, there will be a good show to watch."

  Ye Cai's eyes widened, "What good show?"

  They exchanged a glance and smiled, each shaking their heads in silence.

  （……）