Oh, What a week! End of October and I didn’t make any sort of progress. Same old days, same old days.

  Nothing changed, huh… even after ‘that’

  I was standing in the living room looking out the window. The yellow-brown leaves that decorated the streets are getting blown away by the strong wind today. It was the same old neighborhood I’d always see when looking outside. The same kind of people walking around, the same kind of trash laying near the filled trashcans, the same kind of sounds you can hear at this hour.

  Yet for the whole week, this felt so… foreign…

  And now, it felt even more so. Still looking outside, not wanting to look inside the room. But I knew what was there without looking

  Suitcases blocking the hallway like a barricade, a husband frantically rushing from one room to another and his wife that sat next to me with a smile on her face as she was checking off her list.

  “Mum… I’m confused”

  I didn’t show it but I do feel a bit lost every time I have to see them go to a business trip. And I think mum could tell, yet didn’t respond to those feelings and simply looked back at me.

  “What is it, dear?” she asked, playing dumb with her index finger on her chin.

  “Why so much for a week alone? I don’t think you need your summer dresses for a to London in November.”

  “Hey, you never know how the weather might be? So why not have all the options.” She replied with a voice as if it was a given.

  “But you never…”

  “Honey, do we really need to bring everything with us? Why don’t we leave half of them here and bring what we really need, huh? We can always get you something there as well.” Dad said as he came in the living room, carrying another suitcase half my size with him. Weirdly enough, he had one of his rare ‘Realistic’ looks on his face as he stared at mum pleadingly.

  You know, one that doesn’t make him look like an overly obsessed husband for his wife.

  “Don’t look at me like I am crazy, Aziz.” She replied with a bit more stern attitude than dad can handle, even using his given name instead of saying something like ‘Honey’ or ‘Darling’

  “Oh never, honey! You are the smartest person I know and that’s why I love you so much!” he desperately tried to save himself, spurting his usual nonsense as he put down the suitcase he was holding.

  “Only because I’m smart?” Oh, don’t give him the ‘keep going’ look with you blinking non-stop. That shouldn’t work so easy no-

  “Of course not! I also love tha-” and here I thought that ‘realistic’ moment dad had would stay for just a little longer but no…

  “I’ll go to my room. I clearly can’t stay in the same room as the both of you without witnessing you two be overly obsessed. or rather, without seeing you keep ranting about how amazing mum is.”

  “You think I’m that desperate?” With a slight grin on his face, he mockingly asked that as if he truly believed that he wasn’t

  “I don’t think that, I know that.”

  WHACK

  “Argh!”

  “Damn right ‘argh’! Don’t have that low of an image for your father!” He said, smacking my head hard enough that my body swayed with it for a bit. But given that I’m really fragile, that wouldn’t seem like much.

  “Hey, We agreed no more head smacking! And besides, you are the one always telling me to tell you the truth and now you can’t handle it?”

  “I can handle the truth. What I can’t handle is for you to look down on your father like that. Maybe I should take back the ceasefire and help ‘educate’ you a bit mo-HAAAA!!” he replied laughingly at first. But that was until he got interrupted by mum pulling on his ear lobe hard enough to make him crouch down.

  That’s right! When dad becomes like this, the only one I can count on is a mother that is always behind their child, protecting him from ev-

  “Now dear, be sure to clean the house every 2 days so that you won’t get it dirty like your room.” she said without any hesitation to the situation and the love I thought I felt from her.

  “You could have left me believe in you a bit more…”

  “But things have to be said. I know you good enough, young man, and if I see even the slightest bit of trash lying around when I come back, I will punish you.”

  P-p-p-punish?

  GULP

  GULP

  What are you nervous for, dad? You aren’t the one that has his life on the line!

  Getting free from his hold, he came towards me, grabbing my shoulders and looked me in the eyes as if he was already seeing his son in the ER.

  “Listen to your mother, Laith. Don’t try anything funny as well or we may find ourselves in hell.” he said pleadingly.

  “Why are you scared?”

  “Remember Christmas two years ago?” What does he mean by that? There wasn’t even something go- oh….

  “…don’t. ever. mention. that. I was so blessed to have forgotten this.”

  “Well, I didn’t so please, Laith.” he whispered with fear that his great wife might catch wind of what we are saying.

  “I can hear you two…” Oh fuck! Hearing that brought shivers down our spines. This… we were already digging our graves?

  “For the love of god, you two really sh-”

  RING RING

  “… count yourself lucky… Laith... Honey, our ride is here so could you be so kind and bring them down?” she said as she took out her phone to see the message. And for some reason, she seemed…

  Sad.

  She had her usual face of slight disappointment while looking at us but at the same time, it felt like beneath that is a feeling that feels frustrated and sad for this… I can’t properly describe it other than ‘Not like her’.

  “Alright. Laith, take care.” Dad said, hugging me tightly for a moment before rushing down with multiple suitcases in his hands. This man…

  “Yeah, yeah. It’s only for a week. Enjoy your time as well.”

  “I will. And you enjoy some of your youth while you still can.” he returned with a childish grin like always.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  But before I knew it, he already vanished with half the suitcases in his arms. How was he so fast?

  Thud

  I felt something hit my chest while looking towards the direction dad just left. It was her head, with her arms wrapping around me tightly.

  a bit… too… tightly!

  “Mum… I-I… ca-Haaaa!”

  Loosening her grip last minute, I thankfully got to breath. Was she always that strong!

  “You know it’s always hard for me to leave you alone. It hurts even after so many times.”

  ‘Then you could have just…’

  My thoughts were becoming selfish, but I held myself back from continuing to think that. It must hurt but I’m already grown up and can take care of myself. So I should give them the chance to continue their career as much as they could, right?

  So I swallowed hard before pushing my mum back, which was hard given that she was stronger than me. But she understood my intent and let go slowly, giving me a chance to look her in the eyes.

  “I’m fine, mum. I may not look the part, but I am strong on the inside and I can take care of myself.”

  “Your room says otherwise.” She said sarcastically with a slight smile on.

  “You… didn’t have to say that. I just want you to focus on what you want to do. And this work trip feels more like a holiday for you since out of the 7 days, you’re going to spend 2 with work so enjoy your time.”

  “What… Alright, I get it. Thank you, dear!” She reluctantly said before kissing my cheek and letting me fully go.

  This exchange felt like minutes passing but It hasn’t even been a full minute. Was it the worry that made it feel so long? Or my guilt, not being open with them? Maybe it was something different, but at the end I never felt bad for this.

  Because I’d rather have time feel longer than it actually is.

  Sighing for a moment, I looked at my mum as she went to the suitcases with my dad coming back up the stairs to take the rest.

  “Hey, Laith. You got something on your face.” Dad said, pointing towards me with his hands still empty.

  “What? What is it?”

  “It’s the redness on your cheeks! Hihihihi!” He laughingly said.

  “Why you… Tackle!”

  “Hah! Try your best!” With that comment, he readied himself as I was jumping on him, getting behind him quickly and tried to hold him in a chokehold.

  But it looked more like I was hugging him from behind with how weak I was. Why you!

  “This is unfair! Dammit! Whatever! Just the two of you, stay safe.”

  Letting go, I went out of the way for my dad to take the rest of their stuff.

  “Hey, it’s just a trip to London. How about some British tea? Or would you like to get some biscuits?” He said as if he just remembered to get something from there.

  “How about just coming back early…”

  …

  Mum and Dad looked at me as if guilt has finally eaten them up and I swear I could see a tear in her eyes.

  “La-” Mum wanted to reach out one last time but…

  RING RING

  “Aylin, we need to go.” Dad pulled her back. Seems like they are going to miss their flight if they stay any longer.

  “We won’t take long, Laith. See you. Now, come.” Dad added, pulling mum with him and the rest of their baggage before finally closing the door.

  CLICK

  fuck…

  I… should have kept my mouth shut.

  “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!”

  I repeated this while hitting my head with each word. I didn’t feel much but that only made me feel more frustrated.

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  Those faces were obviously guilt. My god, am I an idiot…

  Dropping onto the couch, I left myself there, repeating what I just saw there. This moment… This mistake was eating me up a tiny bit.

  And the more I thought, the more I felt myself eaten up gradually. The guilt from never being open. The selfishness of how I act. The ungratefulness of my behavior.

  It… hurts…

  More than an injury would do. Because mental or emotional pain has always been subjective.

  And this time, it felt…

  I need a break. An actual break! something that can get my mind off everything. And for that, I knew exactly what.

  “Where the hell is that damned controller…”

  I was turning the place upside down trying to find my console controller, wanting to play a couple of games in the living room. I bet dad played a bit yesterday as well. He is the only one that would forget to put it somewhere proper.

  Finding it took more time and energy than I thought but at the end, I spent the entire morning playing games now. And it was hilarious how in a fighting game, I was bullying everyone.

  I prefer local multiplayer more but once in a while, getting to play online and show them what true skill is, is not bad. especially when I only play with Felix locally.

  Am I an asshole for playing like this?

  Don’t answer that.

  And after hours and reminding myself of playing locally with Felix, I remembered that he has a free day as well. His football coach gave him a day off to rest before the game tomorrow.

  I took my phone and texted him about it before making breakfast and right when I was finished making the best bowl of cereal, my phone vibrated a bit. Well, he was always trying to reply in the next 5 minutes.

  [Yo dude! Sorry, got a bit of homework left to do but how about in an hour at the usual spot?] he texted with a sweaty grin emoji.

  [Sure. Want something from the market?]

  [How about a beer?] is what he said but he wasn’t supposed to drink according to his diet. And here he was boasting about how he is going to have even his obliques pop out until next spring.

  [Alright. See ya soon.]

  I went ahead and put on some warmer clothes, a sweater and some thick sweatpants and went out before even 10 minutes passed. And just as I closed the apartment door.

  “Oh! Laith! Hey!” The voice of a small child came from behind as he hugged my leg.

  “Gosh, Joshua! Seems like you couldn’t wait for me to grow so much! Didn’t we promise that we both get strong together?”

  I squatted down, looking at the little snotface and could tell that he grew a lot after a only three months. His black hair seemed more prominent, his blue eyes clearer and he gained a bit of weight here and there. This is the result of him visiting his grandma, Mrs Angler, so often. Hehehe! One could be jealous about this situation.

  “I grew a total of 3 centimetres from the last time!” He shouted with two of his fingers out, grinning like usual.

  “That’s fast!”

  “Hello Laith. Sorry about Joshua, he got very excited when he heard that we are going to visit his grandmother again. How have you been?” Said a tall man in his early 50s with his hands going for his son. Thomas Angler, son of Mrs Angler, was trying to carry joshua up as the latter was squirming around.

  “It’s fine! It’s fun to have him around once in a while. Makes it more lively here”

  “Laith! Let’s play some games! I wanna play cars!” he screamed so loudly that I felt my ears tingle for a moment. This snotface seriously has energy. And if he wasn’t so good at disassembling stuff to the smallest part, I’d have given him one of my handheld consoles now but oh well…

  “Sorry, but I have something to do so I can’t now”

  “Oh… Okay…” He replied with his face dropping visibly. Oh, don’t give me those eyes! I won’t budge from that…

  …

  Who am I kidding…

  Crouching down a little, I looked Joshua in the eyes, seeing his snot still hanging slightly from his little nose.

  “But guess what? Once your brother is done with his exams and I’ll see you again, I’ll promise we will play some games together, okay?”

  “You mean it?” he looked at me with hope. The heart of a child is indeed quick to change. Those eyes were brighter than Time Square during new year’s eve. Those eyes could make someone weak and give in to whatever this boy wants.

  “Hahahah! Of course I do. Now, I got to go but say hi to Mark from me. Take care, Mr Angler.”

  “Sure will, Laith. And you to your parents.” he said with an exhausted smile.

  “See ya, Laith! And keep your promise!” That little snot was loud enough to alarm the whole place, winking and smiling like an idiot.

  Heh. What an adorable annoying boy.

  I made my way down quickly, trying to buy some beer before getting to the park where me and Felix would always hang out. It didn’t take me even 20 minutes to do all of this, but I felt the need to walk slower than usual.

  But who would have guessed that I was the first one to arrive here? Yeah, of course you would. Not that surprising from my bad habit but it was nice to get a bit of fresh air. Mum would always tell me to leave my room once in a while but I never saw the need for it.

  But seeing the world with my current ‘eyes’, I felt my thoughts change slightly. Kids playing at the playground while the mothers were gossiping around. Some more athletic people joging around the park and even the dog park on the other side was full with multiple dogs. It didn’t feel like your usual October here and with the weather being of the better side, it was great to just sit down at a bench and relax.

  This was nice. I’ve got nothing to add. I don’t prefer crowded places, this was a nice change of pace from everything else going on. And maybe if I had done it a bit differently, I’d fe-

  “Guess who?” said someone as they threw their jacket at my face. This bas-

  “Someone that can drink alcohol better than he plays football? Didn’t your coach warn you not to drink for the next week?”

  “Hey no one has to find out! That’s why I’m drinking with you since no one would believe you anyways.” He said with a hand in front of that stupid grin of his. Plopping down next to me, I hit him with his jacket, to which he didn’t even flinch and laughed.

  “Yeah, yeah! put more sallt on the wound, would you? And here.”

  “Than- wait, two? Am I finally getting treated like a friend?” He said suprised to see more than bottle of beer in my hands.

  “Nope, one is for me.”

  “You? I thought you didn’t like to drink. Here, let me.” he took both of the bottles from my hand and opened them without a bottle opener using the two bottles and the bench.

  “Thanks. And I feel like I could use a drink. But you? I’m worried you really will be better at drinking alcohol than playing football.”

  “Hahaha, if they could both get me a lot of money, why not?” What a cheap thing to say. And dangerous for you future career, hehehe. Taking my bottle as if a microphone, I shoed a shocked face so ridiculous that Felix had a hard time holding back his laughter.

  “SO! You really were after money alone! Felix Maximilian Weber, ladies and gentlemen! The future football star that’s only after money and nothing else would even switch to professional alcoholism if he could. Now, Mr Weber, would you even sell your soul for money?”

  “Well Mr Arslan, in all honesty, my soul has already been sould to the company. They are the only ones that decide if I can sell my soul.” he added to the joke, grabbing my bottle and looking to the front as if to reply straight to the ‘camera’.

  “ah, yes yes! And anything you’d like to add for your fans!”

  “Let me get you a D?ner later.” He said non-chalant.

  “Bribery… I like it if it’s done like that.”

  “Pfft! Of course you do.” He cheapishly laughed as if my reaction was that natural.

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you perhaps assuming I’d love D?ner?”

  “Of course! Who doesn’t love D?ner?” He replied as if he was stating a fact. And in all honesty, I couldn’t refute.

  “Well played… well played. Hahaha!”

  “Buahahahah!” We both laughed like maniacs for a bit, letting out all that pent up stress that we had through the whole month. Talking about your problems is great and all but what really is the best is when we can just let loose for a moment and not push ourselves for anything.

  But when our beers slowly finished and more piling up after hours of buying more and sitting down, our faces didn’t stay so happy.

  Especially Felix, who just went ahead and chugged a whole can.

  “Slow down! Or do you want me to carry you home?”

  “Puha! Yeah… sorry, just felt the need to finish my beer.” he said with a lower voice, looking down with his head just barely up.

  “What’s up that you feel like drinking so much?”

  “Oh, nothing! Just… kind of feel that I don’t have much free time to spend for myself. And spending time being an idiot with you-” he started to ramble, not letting his eyes point higher than the ground.

  “You are the only idiot”

  “-Just made me realise that I really have no free time lately. We used to hang out every week and now we are so busy that once a month turned into once every two-three months. Coach wants me to do extra since some clubs have already started their scouting, I still want to have good grades on my finals for the chance of attending university as well and my part-time job wants me to do some overtime now that one of the workers left. And it’s not like I have the choice of leaving that as well.” He kept on with his rant, ignoring my remark to lift up the mood, and he just threw himself back after feeling like everything is out.

  Felix, like me, has parents in higher positions but unlike mine, they are not there for him most of the time, leaving him alone at his place and only sending him money for necessities and what not. But if I remember right, his equipments and supplies were going out of his budget so he needed to earn it himself. And Felix is a man who is very dedicated to his future.

  Unlike me, who didn’t know quite yet what to expect. Even more so now after ‘that’.

  “Maybe what we got to do is to be ourselves and stay truthful to ourselves. Think of this as yourlast moment in live, would you say you had no regrets? Maybe you want to let something off your chest or do something one last time before it is too late.”

  “…But the question would be where to start from…” Felix replied, probably thinking that I was saying it easily. Yes, he didn’t know about my experience with that dream. Even now, that note is all I have left in memory. But it was enough for me to get my head straight. Or so I thought.

  “Who knows? I just think that you should do what you can do now. What is comfortable but will not lead to any regrets. Push yourself step by step. Call your loved ones and tell them you appreciate them, Do activities you never could before and be open with your thoughts. You know, experience. Experience what life can offer and what you can still do before it is too late. I’m sure it will be all worth it in the end. And that will make us feel better before everything is over, right?”

  I couldn’t help but look at him with a shy smile, trying to convince me more than him. I don’t know where this came from exactly, but I know it was deeply etched into me.

  “Hmmm~… Thanks… I didn’t think that you had even one good advice for me, considering that your only issues were with girls.” He said so smug. What do you mean?

  “I do not! And if I have them, then you too!”

  “Oh, do I? Unlike you, I’m very popular not only at school but outside as well! You’ve known me for six years, that should be enough to know I’m just better than you.” Keep your nose so high, I bet it’s going to fall of the way your arrogance is growing.

  But wow, six years…

  Six years and the only one approaching me was him. The only one that dared to start a friendship with me, not caring about rumours and what not.

  Great… I got this womaniser as my best friend…

  Heh. Not like I should be complaining tho. You have been…

  “…a hell of a friend.”

  I drank the rest of my beer as I said it in such a low voice that he probably didn’t hear me. And just as I was drinking, he turned towards me with a wry smile, one he always has when he feels troubled or wants to make fun of me.

  “…so… just curious but…” He kept playing with his fingers as if he was nerviours but…

  “How do you feel about Gina?” He dropped one hell of a question right now.

  PFFFFT

  I couldn’t help but spit out every bit of beer from my mouth. Talk about unusual behaviour! I never seen him talk about girls.

  “You didn’t have to react so hard.” perplexed, he looked at the mess in front of me. The ground left wet and my expression flabbergasted.

  “Oh, yes I do! That isn’t something you usually ask. Wait… hehe~ You want me to be occupied with other people now that you don’t have time for me. Awww~ how cute of you! I’m amazed you don’t have a girlfriend with how cute you act…”

  “Hahahah! As if! I just want to know when I need to have a box of tissues ready for you.” He of course had to brush my joke aside. So it was to make fun of me, huh…

  “I wouldn’t cry when I get rejected.”

  “Wow! What a man~. Do you also talk about fighting while sipping your whiskey?” Oh, I sense a strong sarcastic power in him. You really don’t believe me? He just turned back forwards and started to drink another beer after laughing a bit more.

  “Well… for a week, actually… I did try to appro-”

  PFFFFT

  “Don’t have to react so hard…”

  “Sorry… continue…” putting down his drink, Felix looked at me carefully, making me slightly aware of what we were talking about. But after taking a quick breather, I leaned back and just looked at the twilight sky. Was it already this late?

  “As I said, for a week, I had tried to approach and ask her out or at least be able to talk to her but those friends of hers are either actively trying to interfere or are naturally the strongest barrier I have ever seen. A shaman would be jealous of such a barrier.”

  “I wouldn’t think that they are actively trying to keep you away.” He said silently, not seeing how ridicoulus they were at times.

  “Are you serious? They look at me like I’m an abomination whenever Gina is not there.”

  “Come on, dude! Abomination? That’s too extreme!” Thanks for defending me, Felix. But we both knew that I wasn’t much pleasing to the eye.

  “Gee, you think? Look at me. Arms so thin you can see the indents in my bone and my bloodflow in my veins. And let’s just say I was not that bad, tell them that! They won’t listen to me anyways and not like I have fun talking with some idiots that only judge a book by its cover.”

  “Then how are you going to approach her?” He said, trying to brush the ‘abomination’ topic aside.

  “I don’t know, just that I will eventually talk with her.”

  “Confident now, aren’t we?” teasingly, he looked down, swirling the last bit of liquid in his bottle around.

  I know he was mocking me slightly, but I seriously felt like I would get to talk to her eventually.

  “And where did that confidence come from?” he wondered, still looking at his bottle.

  “Gut feeling.”

  “You want to bet all of that on your gut feeling?” he wondered, his face changing slightly as if not to believe me.

  “If not for that, what should I bet on?”

  “But you haven’t even talked to her before, right? If you just go and ask her out, it will be like a suicide mission.” he said as if he was so sure of it happening. Gee, thanks for believing in me.

  “What do you want to say?”

  He paused again, turning back to the ground and still playing with his bottle. Why was he adding dramatic effect to this conversation?

  “Maybe… to stop before you start? I heard Gina is very unforgiving with her words and attitude and we both know how her reply will be.” he looked at me with worry for the first time in a long while. It felt nice to know he was worrying but also strange since he didn’t do that for a long time.

  ‘Stop before you start’… not like I never thought about it. This platonic crush has been going on for far too long. I can’t remember what it was that made me fall for her so much but I know it wasn’t just because of her known features. There was something. But anytime I try to remember it, I feel like my memories are missing.

  And now, I actually don’t feel that much for her. It's a small flame. A fickle spark, unlike its former self. But all of this didn’t change my mind. And all for a good reason.

  I just wanted to have said it. No lingering regrets. No unseen possibilities. All I want is to know what could have happened if… if I was honest for once.

  And all of that because of That. That dream. As much as it is a trauma to me, it is also a motivator now. I realised more things. I’m too weak not only physically but also mentally. So I gotta do the best I can now instead of doing it never.

  Because regret will be the worst pain upon death. Even if the thought of stopping seems the best, I will still do it.

  I will never end it here with regrets. And hey, Dad always said a relationship is built, not found. So as long as I like her and get to know her better, the time would be spend better than to just hope for someone that will love me immediately, right?

  “I guess you won’t stop even if I said so.” Given up, Felix shrugged his shoulders.

  “If I do everything just because you said so, I’d be all brawn no brain.”

  “Wanna have a go? I have to let you know I’m also in the top of our year.” He said with that much confidence that it felt slightly arrogant.

  “I’d rather have my food now, thank you! You’re still treating?”

  “Haaa~ There goes my money for new football shoes.” he said dejected, but that was just empty words and we both knew it.

  “Hanging out with me is a luxury! So enjoy it while you can!”

  “Sometimes I really regret having you as my be-hm?” He said before his phone vibrated and looking at his reaction, it felt like he found more energy all of a sudden.

  “Sorry, got to run back home. I’ll treat you next time. Promise. See ya!” he said before running back to his home.

  “Ah, yeah… See ya.”

  Walking from the park to get myself something to eat, I walked back home with heavier steps than before.

  The golden-brown leaves that still covered most of the street were slowly blown away by gusts of wind. The sky was now almost dark and for once, a couple of stars became visible between the dense clouds. The park was on my way home and for some reason, I sat back down on the bench we were before leaving.

  Throwing my head back, I looked up to the sky. My mind was mostly occupied with things that didn’t matter so much, all while looking at the sea of stars. How unusual for Berlin.

  Yeah… How unusual.

  Was that the right thing to say to Felix? Everything… it may sound like I didn’t care about him but I do. It is just… man, I didn’t know!

  Just go for it… was it that simple?

  Approaching Gina didn’t feel that simple. She is smart, kind yet has a fierce attitude which makes her weirdly popular among everyone. And if I remember correctly, she even does martial arts. She even won a couple of tournaments.

  Or that is what I heard. I wouldn’t know better since I never talked to her. Always a rumour. Always something positive about her. That only begs the question if those positive rumours are true or, just like my negative rumours, a lie.

  Then I guess I should at least know her better. It would be too much to try and ask someone out I didn’t know that well. And it all starts with talking, just like that stupid attention magnet said.

  Is he literally the saying of “Coaches don’t play” or why does he not have someone? At least then his advice would seem more believable.

  …I should get going. No use in staying here any longer. I can just go take a rest.

  Standing up, I made my way back home with steps still as heavy as before. I didn’t have much to do today and staying out any longer was meaningless. Especially when I want to keep my sleep schedule as is.

  CLICK

  “I’m back~!”

  …

  Yeah… of course…

  No one is here. Duh! Obviously!

  “… I hate this…”

  Mumbling stupid things to myself, I made myself ready for bed, finally getting that shuteye I needed.

  Let’s sleep for now.

  Flames that would reach as high as the sky.

  “…shit…”

  Rubble everywhere the eye could see, burning. It was all destroyed.

  “…Shit!…”

  And that gigantic mountain that laid low before starting to move the moment I got here.

  “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!”

  This… The dream is back! As if opening a window in my mind, the blurry memories from before were not so blurry anymore. This is exactly like the first time! Everything! Everything was exactly like the last time. Every bit of movement.

  FUCK!! I’M REALLY BACK?!

  Why? Why was it just as real as the first time?!

  FUUUUUUUUCK!

  I know exactly how this will go.

  “HEY! I know you are here somewhere so get over here and give me your sword!”

  A long ‘silence’ next to the constant shaking of the ground and the flames that surrounded me. Was she not here? Was this dream going to be different?

  No. I denied the possibility of that happening.

  “You seem awfully calm for someone coming here a second time. Hehe~ interesting!” This voice was still feminine but unrecognisable, making me realise it was ‘her’ that stood right behind me.

  “HA! Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!”

  She placed her head on my shoulder as if she was that intimate with me. This would look like one of the cute couple poses but I literally can’t see what she looks like. It was as if someone was constantly scribbling over her with a pencil.

  “And what do you mean ‘Calm’? Do I look calm to you?”

  “For someone that knows they will die? yes.” she said that so matter of factly that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. But…

  “I won’t die if you give me that sword of yours.”

  “Hahahahah! But even if, you won’t be able to survive just because you have a good weapon.” I could see the smirk with all that visual interferring. She was looking down on me.

  And I couldn’t refute that either, given that she was fighting that Collosal.

  “How about you get to work? You can at least try it this time. And it seems those little small fries want more.” She said while stretching her right hand out, magically having a sturdy, familiar metal rod fly towards her open palm. Placing it into my hands, she just ‘looked’ at me with what I believe was a grin.

  And jsut as I held on to the rod, the giant monster started to open its beak and eat everything that was there.

  “Then don’t you have to go to work as well?”

  I said while pointing at the incoming giant beak behind me. How did I know it was already on its way with all the noise happening?

  Gut feeling.

  “For someone’s second time, you are too calm. HA!” She said suprised before blasting the beak away with a lift of her sword, flying away towards the head of the giant monster.

  I looked down at the rod and as I did, my body slowly remembered my last ‘fight’ with the fice beasts. The unimaginable pain that came from these monsters tearing me apart piece by piece was now coming back to me clear as day. My body almost collapsed from the pain.

  And when that happened…

  “UUUURRRKKK!!!”

  Fuck… I threw up immediately. Was it the sudden rush of memories ? The pain that I felt from before? Or realising that all of this is my second time in this hell?

  Whatever may be, that is not important because I had to turn around. Around to see the five beasts from last time, with one of had the mark I had left from last time. But it also grew slightly. Just a little but he was different from the others.

  My brows knit together, my eyes darting from one to another and my heart pumping faster and faster as realization hit me. I felt a wave of emotions. Some were fear. Other were excitement.

  But most were rage.

  Rage that made me want to hit them as hard as I could.

  Rage that made me want to rip out what they ripped out of me.

  Pierce their flesh! Tear their limbs apart! Make them regret what they did to me!

  And then, I’ll kill them.

  Just like I promised.

  That’s right! Keep looking at me like I can’t fight! Remember how you tore me apart before! But I’ll make sure that this will be the biggest mistake you could ever do!

  I’ll die but so what? I will return again and do it again!

  It will hurt like hell but so what? I will just take the pain and pay back ten fo- no… A hundred folds!

  I will be torn appar bit by bit BUT SO WHAT!

  This wolrd may be a dream. A horrible dream that was more like a different world. A weird dream where I had to fight for my life.

  But so what? I will decide when to fight with my life on the line!

  I’ll fight until the last bit of my strength leaves my body!

  I'll fight until my body is no more!

  I’ll fight until each and every one of you is dead!

  Everything went as it did last time. Every sight, every smell, every touch.

  The only thing different is that this time, my rage was burning my every being. And I could slightly feel it. My will!

  I screamed. Like a dam has finally broken inside of me.

  "COME AT ME!!"

  With pale hands clenching the rod as hard as they could, I screamed at the beasts with every fighting spirit I could get out of myself, leaving my chest filled with unfound energy!

  Not a second time!

  I won't fall so shamefully like that a second time!