Word Count: 3150

  tw: child abuse

  Decembria 18

  "One day when I had just turned seven years old, I heard airpnes passing over the house," I begin.

  I hear him shift to face me, listening intently to my words.

  "The sound was scary but also very intriguing. At the time, I had only read about them in picture books so I wanted to see them so badly. When Father and Mother weren't looking I ran into his study and tried to open the window over his desk.

  I wanted to peek my head out, just for a gnce. I told myself it was only through magic that a four hundred-ton machine could fly and I wanted to see that magic. So, I climbed onto his chair, then to the desk, but as I tried to loosen the tch that locked the gss, I came tumbling down and crashed into the desk's headboard so violently that it cut my forehead.

  I can almost make out a trace of a smile on Finn's lips, as if he finds my clumsiness familiar. But I don't smile back.

  "When Father heard the commotion he ran into the room and saw me bleeding onto his important contracts. He was livid and as a child, it was my first time ever seeing him so angry.

  Mother wouldn't even look at me when I had to expin to them in the living room why I was in his study in the first pce and Father's face just kept... twisting in more anger as I described the window and the airpne.

  At the end of my retelling, I was hoping that they would bandage me up and send me to bed early. But Father dragged me by my arm back to his study. Casting aside a rug, he revealed a hidden floorboard beneath his chair, exposing an array of stairs that descended into darkness."

  My heart starts beating faster. Something inside me was squirming, screaming. I rub my wrists.

  "He led me down and once we reached the cement floor, he grabbed a moldy box that was stuffed in a dusty bookcase. Inside were some novelty handcuffs that his w enforcement friend had given him some years back.

  Then he took my hand, led me to the back of the room, and proceeded to lock me to a hook protruding from the concrete wall. It was so high that I had to stand on my tip-toes so my wrist wouldn't hurt. I still didn't understand what was going on until he turned to leave, and said, 'time here will set you straight.'

  After he said that, I finally understood what my punishment would be. And I begged him not to leave me there as he started going up the stairs. At this point in my life, I was so scared of everything and the dust and mold of the celr made it hard to breathe.

  Not to mention that full darkness that would come when he closed the hidden floorboard. I hated the dark. But even though I was crying and screaming, he still..."

  I let out a shaky breath.

  "...I spent a full day there. Starving rats that had wiggled their way through from the outside before their tunnel colpsed kept nipping at my feet and I had to kick them away as I cried.

  It was hard to stay alert since I was so tired and hungry but if I did fall asleep they'd try to bite my legs again so I kept awake. And eventually, I kicked one so hard that it slid over the pavement and died.

  The other rats that were hidden in the shadows went over to investigate and they just started... eating the dead creature.

  I couldn't turn away locked in this position on the wall, but I didn't want to close my eyes in case one of them attacked me again so I just had to... watch as they ripped it apart."

  I hear an audible gasp come from Finn's mouth which he then tries to cover up with a cough.

  "The next day, around the same time that I first went down, Father came to release me. The dead rat at that point was just meat on the floor. In the kitchen, I got a piece of bread and Mother finally tended to the wound on my forehead although it had stopped bleeding ages ago.

  That's not to say that she didn't have more to do since she also ended up applying rubbing alcohol on my raw wrist. But anyway... the whole ordeal wasn't too bad.

  I wasn't scared of rats, mice, or house bugs anymore afterwards. And it taught me to respect my pce in life. So, it was a good thing that happened. I learned a lot."

  I finish my story. Pcing a hand on my chest, I close my eyes to calm my beating heart.

  Finn looks at me with a mixture of pity and disgust written on his face. "How could your own father-"

  "Can I ask you a question, now?" I interrupt him, squeezing my arm.

  I don't want to think about it anymore.

  Finn drops the topic with irritation, "Sure..."

  "Why did you bother Damien so much?"

  Finn lets out an audible sigh, "Is that what he told you? I barely talked to the guy. Barely even thought about him!"

  I ponder back the stories of Damien telling the family the exact opposite of what Finn is saying right now.

  "But you know what he was? Annoying. Always the perfect, poster-child. Oh! Do you need a pyer for your basketball team? Choose Damien first. Oh! We have the highest literacy score in this grade! Who is it? Damien. Oh! Who is going to solve world hunger, become president, and conquer the universe all without trying? Damien!

  So of course, I needed to bring him down a peg.

  They only take one kid from each private school when filling up St. Reginald's Academy now, you know? Some middle-css families compined about preferences so they reduced the number so more public school kids could get in. I studied day and night for a full year prior *just* to ace the entrance exam.

  Just so I could beat you-!

  Er... Damien.

  And I did... Serves him right for thinking that he's better than everyone for just existing."

  I watch Finn as he grumbles to himself, still fueled with fire even though he already bested Damien two years ago. But at least now, I'm face to face with the reason my family had fallen apart.

  I grip my bzer cuff.

  I should be angry.

  But honestly, I'm not sure what to feel.

  Should I hold the silver-haired boy in front of me responsible? Was it really his fault, or Damien's for thinking he could coast through one of the most important exams of his life?

  I don't know.

  Calming down, Finn finally finds words to say.

  "It's my turn right?"

  "Yeah."

  "Are you... in love with Lucas or Leonard?"

  "Pass."

  "What do you mean, 'pass,' you just told me your deepest darkest secret but this one is too much?"

  Now knowing that Finn knows the truth about me, denying him any further would be improper so reluctantly, I say the truth.

  "...Neither of them."

  "Interesting... Are you in love with anybody?"

  "You're breaking your own rules," I chuckle.

  "Ah! You're right! You caught me."

  We both snicker quietly in the closet.

  "You know what, I think we only have time for one more story. And you told me something personal, so make it a big question for me. I'll return the favor."

  I gaze at the figure in the shadows curiously. His thin frame, his false grin, his mischievous ugh, those perplexing eyes...

  There's still one question I want answered. A binding one that could tie together these fragmented pieces into a whole that I feel so strongly that he's hiding away.

  I think my words over for a bit when speaking it aloud.

  "What's the saddest memory you've ever experienced?" I ask.

  He looks at me quietly for a moment, caught off guard by my question.

  "Me, huh? Well, I'm sure nothing trumps your experience but... I guess I have one memory that 'saddened' me most. Here's to being honest." he ughs, his voice hollow and fading quickly.

  But still, Finn doesn't speak right away, as if still deciding if he wants this story to leave his mouth or not.

  After a long pause, he exhales deeply and begins.

  I sit up, listening intently to his words.

  "My sister... When I was about eight years old, I had the best retionship with my oldest sister, Laoise. She was around sixteen years old at the time, I think. With my dad at work every morning and night and my mom taking care of all of my other sisters, Laoise was left in charge of me most days.

  We'd spend the morning pying little reading games, making meals in the kitchen during the afternoon, telling stories at night... Oh, and she had the best smile! Oh man, Damien, I'm telling you that she could light up the world and change hearts with just that grin!"

  I can see him ugh to himself as he recollects his memories and I smile softly.

  "Yeah she was awesome, but I guess my dad hated how much I talked to her. Kept saying that she was going to 'change me' or something stupid like that.

  But no matter what he said, it never kept me from thinking that she was the coolest... Anyway, I wasn't much different back then than I am now. I still did silly, borderline-idiotic, missions. And at this foolish point in stupid time, the goal was to take my Dad's St. Reginald's Academy Rugby trophy. I swear he loved that thing more than all of his daughters combined.

  Midday when everyone was distracted and I snuck in to get it. I didn't even know why I wanted it. Maybe to show Laoise that she was worth more than artificial gold. But, maybe for no reason at all.

  ...You could probably tell how it goes from there."

  I watch Finn closely as the closet shadows reveal his eyes flickering to and from the ground in conflict.

  "I slipped up. Got caught with it under my bed when my mom was cleaning. And Mom holds my feet to the fire as we wait for Dad to get home. When my dad finally shows up and hears the story, he's furious. He's yelling. He's hitting things. Absolutely ready to throw me to the dogs and let them pick the bones clean.

  My heart is beating so fast that I think I'm gonna die. But, here comes my Laoise. And I'm telling you, I'm watching her arrive like she's an angel. She's out here spinning this web of lies, telling Dad how she asked me to get it for her so that she could have a better look at it.

  I loved her even more because of it. But at that moment... I should've said something. I shouldn't have let her take the bme... but there I was still holding out hope that we could both get out of this unscathed.

  They let me go. And I'm trying not to ugh as they send me to my room. We could joke about it ter when we were together.

  But they didn't let her go. After I had left, my dad walked to his closet, grabbed a leather belt and... and beat her with it. I ran to the door. I wanted to run out there. And save her like she always saved me. But my feet were frozen to the floor like I was a statue. Just a stupid statue waiting for it to be over. I couldn't be her hero. It was so hard hearing the sound, but it just kept going, it was..."

  With the slight light from the door crack, I catch a glimpse of tears slipping down his face.

  "...After that, she wasn't allowed to take care of me anymore. And my dad set her marriage date that week.

  From then, my second eldest sister was put in charge of me. I only saw moments of Laoise going around the house every few weeks, but they never left me alone long enough to talk to her.

  I could tell that something was different.

  She didn't smile anymore.

  And this lifestyle went on for a few months before her 'big day.' After the wedding happened and the vows were said, I pnned to hug her at the reception before she left with her husband. I wanted to say I was sorry.

  At least, that's what I thought at the moment. But deep down, what I really wanted to know was if... she resented me. And there was a moment at the reception, when we were finally alone at the refreshment table.

  It was fleeting, so if I had something to say, I'd have to say it now. But seeing her just standing there with a cup in her hand and her back turned... I got cold feet and I ran away.

  And then, she left. After that, we all went home.

  I think... maybe I didn't ask because I was too afraid to hear her answer. I haven't seen her since and with the rules in this country, I probably never..."

  He goes silent for a moment, but I can hear the brush of fabric going over his eyes.

  There's a quiet stillness, but it's short-lived as he interrupts it almost right away.

  "Wow! Haha, I didn't expect us to start saying stuff like this so fast! Whoo..." he ughs it off.

  "Hey," I say.

  Scooching closer to him, I rest my hand on his shoulder.

  "You're not defined by your mistakes. You're good, Finn." I say, pulling words from my heart and Lucas' book.

  "I..."

  "We're not perfect people and we most likely won't ever be, but... we can both be better. Better than we were.

  So, don't worry.

  If Laoise is anything like you've described her to be, then she'll love you until her dying day."

  "..."

  "...Thanks."

  I think of what to say next while we sit here in the darkness.

  "Can I ask one more question?" I mumble, softly.

  "...Sure," he replies.

  I ask it so quietly that he may not hear it, "Will you tell anyone my secret?"

  "No... no I won't," he says and for the first time since I've known him, he sounds sincere. Pcing his hand over mine he smiles and says, "Don't worry."

  Suddenly, we hear footsteps finally leave the corner, and in a fsh of blinding white I realize that in that moment Finn has opened the door and we're running through the hallway hand in hand.

  ~

  As we make it back to the dorm, Sebastian greets us with a weak wave of his fingers.

  He pushes through the sickness with a raspy voice, "How did stink bombs go?"

  "Absolutely hi-rious, you should have been there!"

  Finn goes over to bother him as if nothing in the closet ever happened. So without a word, I retreat to my bed.

  Maybe it was the darkness of the closet that made us open our hearts so fast, maybe now that light has returned that experience will just be a fleeting memory.

  Almost like a dream.

  But also.

  Maybe everything isn't the same as before.

  The days pass by and Finn, although masking it very well, seems to be different. Only a little bit. There's a slightly longer lull between his usually lightning-fast quips to Sebastian. He's sleeping in during the mornings longer than usual. He's been leaving me out of his list of people to annoy daily.

  But one day, after csses have ended for the day he comes up to me with a grin on his face.

  Sebastian is at his desk working on his Chemistry assignment, tissue box still at the ready, but almost recovered from his sickness.

  I sit up from my bed as he approaches and crouches down to be eye-level with me.

  It had been a slow day, and he had to hold off on pranking the principal, given that Principal Ambrose seemed especially irritable today.

  And of course, that made for an incredibly bored silver-haired boy.

  So that left me on the docket to entertain his actions.

  "You know what I've noticed, Damien? Ah, well, whatever your true name is," he says, a mischievous tone behind his voice.

  "What?" I reply.

  "You are probably painfully inexperienced when it comes to kissing. Lucky for you, I am an expert at it! I've stolen plenty of kisses with some girls from other families. So if you ever need teaching, I could always show you." he says, pyfully.

  He waits with a grin for me to say something snarky to continue our ribbing session.

  "Okay," I reply.

  He stares at me slightly confused.

  "Okay?" he repeats as if I had spoken the words accidentally.

  "Yeah, if you want to," I say.

  "Yeah... I'm amazing at it?"

  I don't respond back, so not backing down Finn hesitantly moves in closer with furrowed eyebrows as if still doubting my words before stopping an inch before my face in an attempt to give me a moment to deny him and groan at his antics like I usually do.

  I watch as his blue eyes turn back to gray as the shadows of the bed railing obscure the sun coming in through the window. Although substantially brighter, it's almost like we're alone, right back in the closet.

  Then he kisses me.

  It's soft and simple and sweet. But he doesn't close his eyes and neither do I. We look at each other as we kiss and I gaze into the misty ocean before me.

  Were we more simir than I thought?

  Was there a future with both of us in it than what was predestined for our lives?

  A blush starts to creep onto Finn's cheeks, his pale skin doing nothing to hide the sudden onsught of red. He kisses me again in the same manner before I can hear Sebastian drop his pencil in exasperation.

  "Are you guys done yet?"

  And the silver-haired boy backs away with a quick smile, "Of course! I hope that was enough to impart some wisdom onto you, Damien."

  I hold back the urge to roll my eyes, and the mood settles back into pce.

  But when I searched that gray ocean, I found nothing.

  All that awaited me were endless waves, and that sea belonged to him, not to me.

  Finn went on to say that the kiss was just py and didn't mean much to him as he ughed it off for the next few hours.

  But his eyes...

  His eyes were telling a different story.