Word Count: 1709

  Febrillus 1

  Six months in.

  Three months until the fa?ade drops. Three months until I'm married. Three months until Father's soul can rest easy...

  Sometimes it feels as though I blink, and the sun has set before I can even register that I opened my eyes.

  'Lucas, Css, Leonard, Homework, Finn, Sleep.'

  Every day blends into the next, an endless loop where the weeks on the calendar blur into meaningless numbers: unchanged and unchanging.

  A moment with Lucas, a session with Leonard, a kiss with Finn. It's been harder to view them as separate people tely. When I'm with them, it feels like I'm an observer watching my body as I shift from one room to another ready to force a smile, ready to listen to empty words that have no meaning to me, ready to follow the instructions of anyone who asks.

  But, I don't bme them.

  I know that Lucas only has love in his heart that he's desperate to give out. I know that Leonard's only ambition is to grow wealthier and consume, he doesn't see me. I know that Finn just wants a friend who understands. But with every hand brushing my arm... every kiss grazing my cheek... I feel the word alive slowly unraveling, slipping away.

  The darkness stretches further every day. The sun has stopped speaking to me. Even the nights I spent crying on the bathroom floor have gone.

  There are no more tears left. There's only the mission and my role.

  My body is now enveloped in eternal night.

  Lying awake in my bed as my peers sleep, I wonder if being numb is better than feeling pain.

  I'm not sure.

  The hurt was bad, but at least it reminded me that I was living.

  Now, it can be hard to remember...

  Febrillus 2

  I'm tired today.

  Lucas spent more time than usual with me yesterday morning at the lockers since the morning darkness was longer, Leonard tried out a new kissing "technique" that he had read in a dirty magazine which took up the ter hour at the dorm, and Finn had dragged me to help him steal pudding cups from the lunchroom even though Sebastian was readily avaible... but of course it was just an excuse to kiss in the back of the secluded cafeteria.

  The way everything unfolded yesterday has left me weary today. Wandering the morning hallways first to Lucas, then to css, I eventually return to my dorm, releasing a heavy sigh from my lungs.

  The precious moments alone don't st long as Leonard's familiar sound knocks on my door. After another hour with the red-head, I look in the mirror and see dark bags forming under my eyes. I prod them gingerly with my fingers as I passively contempte how to make them go away before giving up.

  Stepping out of the bathroom, I look to see my homework neatly ying on my desk. Pencil by its side and chair open as if inviting me to sit down. I grimace at the table as my heart starts to beat faster and faster.

  'After Homework. Then Finn. Then Sleep. Then Lucas again. Then Css. Then Leonard again. Then Homework. Then Finn-'

  The words ring in my head, running around like a carousel that has lost control.

  'Then Sleep. Then Lucas. Then Css-'

  Sparks fly from the rails. The horses have become a blur. The sky is dizzying. All you can hear is the screaming... screaming... screaming.

  I don't realize my legs have left the room until I'm halfway down the hallway.

  My body is moving without permission.

  "I have to do my homework," I mutter and look behind my shoulder toward my dorm door. Yet, my legs keep moving forward ignoring my words.

  It seems even my heart has lost control of my will.

  So I walk.

  I don't know where I'm going. I just move. I move up and down the halls passing boys, walking by teachers, crossing corners by bored stationed security guards.

  I walk and walk and walk until my lungs hurt and I find that my legs have taken me to...

  St. Reginald's Academy's entrance.

  I look at the pilrs that once froze me before its steps so long ago. My knees buckle and I y on my back on their cool concrete before slumping down on them wearily.

  My leather bag falls on the pavement as the Hibernal wind pinches my skin through my uniform bzer. But I don't want to go back inside. The thought of the desk just waiting there makes my stomach churn.

  "Shouldn't this be easy? Aren't I doing what I'm supposed to do? What you taught me, Father? What this country taught me?" I mumble looking up at the sun resting on the horizon as it moves to set.

  "Aren't I the perfect daughter?" I whisper.

  But Father doesn't respond.

  The country doesn't respond.

  No one responds.

  I close my eyes and y on the weathered marble beneath me as if this foundation was the only thing keeping me from floating away.

  Then I hear shuffling beside me.

  I open my eyes and look to my left to see a certain blonde reading a book I had given him half a year ago.

  The edges are fraying despite his attempt to keep it in perfect condition, but I see that they were bound again with glue and tape showing his love and care, albeit messy.

  I blink again and again making sure the figure before me wasn't just a hallucination.

  He'd developed a habit of vanishing after csses ever since Leonard started showing up in our room more often. I guess this is where he spends his time.

  Looking at him silently, I realize that I haven't spoken to Sebastian in a full month now. Did I erase his existence from my mind as my schedule became more and more hectic?

  Maybe I did. But maybe he erased himself.

  Either way, here we are.

  Alone.

  Sitting on the steps of St. Reginald's Academy on opposite sides of the perch.

  I stand up without thinking and for the first time since I met him, I walk over to Sebastian without apprehension. His eyes flicker up to me and with a sigh he removes the strings of his mp3 pyer from his ears.

  "Hi," I say.

  "Hi," he replies.

  I sit down next to him and he looks away staring off into the distance of the empty courtyard.

  "Why have you been avoiding me?" I question, speaking to him more directly than I ever have before.

  His jade eyes meet mine. They flicker from side to side as he studies me before scrunching his face and turning away.

  "I don't like to look at you," he mutters.

  I tilt my head in curiosity, "Why?"

  "It's because you have no self-respect," he says, ftly.

  My body flinches in shock as the words leave his mouth. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react, but without thought, emotions start bubbling up in my stomach and I find myself blurting out, "I do have self-respect! How could I be doing any of this without self-respect?"

  "Everything I do... All the courage and bravery this mission takes? How could I not have dignity!"

  I say more than he's supposed to know, but the words don't seem to phase Sebastian.

  His face holds a defiant look, "You're not doing it for yourself though. I'm sure you're doing it for someone else."

  Fury shoots down my legs and I stand up to speak. My mind races to tell my heart to remain cautious but before I can stop myself, the words explode from my mouth as I scream for the first time in my life, "It's an honor to serve my parents! And it's an honor to serve my country! I'm doing what I was born to do!"

  He stands up irritated as if infected by my brazenness, "What about this whole spiel happening right now? This isn't very 'girly' of you!"

  I huff, swallowing my pride in indignation, "I'm just calmly telling you my opinion on the matter."

  "Huh? So now you have opinions?"

  I stare at him incredulously.

  "Everyday, I see a new guy in our room doing whatever he wants with you and you don't say a word although it's painfully obvious that you're not enjoying any part of it. I don't see that written into Aurelia-Fields' Constitution about women. But even if it was, it's okay for some official things to be wrong!"

  The words that come out of his mouth sound like an array of revolutionary dogma. Something that was illegal in this country. But I don't take the cue to leave. I have to say something. Something that makes all the effort I'm putting in have meaning.

  "But that's the way it is, Sebastian! This is where we were born and this is how I have to live!" I retort, squeezing my hands into tight fists.

  I gasp, pulling my hands to my mouth realizing I said his name so brazenly. He scoffs at my reaction.

  "You're not a doll, Camille, or an object," he asserts.

  Picking up my hand he matches it with his and says, "You're a human being. Just like everyone else."

  "Say something if you don't want something. And if you do want it, then reach for it with all you've got. Live life the way you want to and stop letting others tell you what the bottom line is. You choose your own bottom line."

  Before I can respond, he picks up his book and walks back into the school.

  I stand at the base of the staircase gripping my uniform as I watch him walk away. Tears I haven't cried in months start flowing inhibited down my face. It rushes out from within me like a tidal wave.

  My face turns and I look back at the horizon where the sun is nearly gone as sniffles and messy tears fall from my eyes.

  And I slowly realize that all this time... the sun wasn't silent.

  It spoke, just very softly, and the wind finally had the traction to carry its voice into my ears.

  'Hope. It's okay to hope.'

  And I cry even harder.