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  Chapter Three

  Imagine, if you will, that you are a seven foot tall zit. A seven foot tall zit that decided one day to detach itself from the face of whatever teenage Godzil you were born on, paint yourself up like a member of KISS, and go visit the local edy club. You were having a great time, squeezing yooshy zit body uhe stage aing all the ughter that came from the audience. Who knows, maybe somebody even dropped a moldy bag of Cheetos down there for ambitious young pimples like you to find.

  But then suddenly everything goes quiet. And hot. Like, really freaking hot. So you e out of your hiding spot to find that—Gasp! Horror!—the edy club is on fire! And not only that, but there's this totally awesome looking girl standing there with a giant hammer ready to smash your brain into death pudding. You wonder what happeo all the lovely ughing people—because critical thinking isn't really a giant zit's strong point, is it?—when suddenly you smell it.

  ALL THE DANG LAUGHTER IN THE WORLD!

  Your zitty little eyes zero in on a dweeby, but still kinda cute, young man with a sparkly hammer in his hands. And by the whoopie cushion in the sky, he's glowing like he's just swallowed the freaking Rockefeller ter Christmas tree!

  So what's a giant zit who's just had its day ruio do?

  If you answered, "Lasso the glowing kid with my freakishly long zit tohen gratutions. You win, I dunno, a tube of toothpaste.

  "Gross!" Ethan yelled, digging in his heels as it began to reel him in. "Henry, a little help here?"

  "What's the magic word?" I asked.

  He slid forward a few feet. "Really? You think now's the time for jokes?"

  "You've got about fifteen more feet before you're in any real danger."

  He stubbornly tried to point his spellhammer at the maiam, but his arms were pinned firmly to his sides.

  "Hey, Ethan," I said with a grin, "you look a little…toied!"

  "Just get it off of me, will you?"

  I sighed. "Fine, fine. Grouchypants."

  Raising Sptsy above my head, I smmed her down onto the maiam's to howled in pain and slurped it bato its mouth, spinnihan around and around before ung him across the club like an old fashioop.

  He stopped half a foot from the fire, teetered drunkenly, aoward—

  "NO!" I yelled, p up my shoes with magid bsting toward him. I mao grab him by the shirt before he did a belly flht into the fmes.

  "Are y to get me killed?" he demanded as I heaved him back to safety. "Because there are easier ways to—"

  The zit maiam's tongue clobbered me from behind, and I went flying across the club before I could ask what those easier ways were. Luckily, I was knocked away from the fire, so a table to the face was all the damage I took. Somehow, I mao keep my grip on Sptsy, and I used her to hoist myself bay feet. Ears ringing ahrobbing, I dug my inhaler out. A quick puff sent ughter surging through my body again, healing my wounds and chasing away the exhaustion that came from using too much magic.

  "Thanks, Grandpa Teddy," I whispered, putting it ba my pocket.

  With me out of the way, there was nothiween the maiam ahahan took a step back, the look on his face telling me he was half a sed from panig. I've never met a human who wasn't terrified of maiams—in fact, I'm pretty sure an instinctive fear of maiams, buried so deep they don't even know what maiams are, is why so many people are afraid of s.

  All healed up and ready to go, I lifted Sptsy and charged across the club to help him. But just as I came within smashing distance…

  "Cogito et creo!" he yelled, the fear vanishing from his eyes.

  "Mustard crackers," I muttered.

  Then a wave of force smmed into us, throwing both me and the maiam back across the club to where I'd just been. I hit the floor hard, and half a sed ter the maiam crash nded on top of me like a half-baked Hot Pocket—soft and squishy oside, but with a rock hard ter.

  "Eee!" I screamed from underh it. "Get off, get off, get off!"

  I kicked up with my legs, and barely mao throw Zitkenstein off of me. It fell to the flain with a wet spt, and I jumped bay feet. Right now, while it was lying helpless on its back, was the perfect ce to kill it! I ran to it, winding up for the final strike, and smmed Sptsy down onto its ugly face as hard as I could.

  Except, Sptsy wasn't there.

  "Zui noodles!" I yelled, watg my empty hands sink into the oozing, squishy skin right between its eyes. It felt like I was being sucked into a possessed bean bag chair! Those eyes—beady, bck, and without a trace of sanity—widened in e, and I desperately tried to pull myself free.

  "Henry!" Ethan yelled at me from across the club. The maiam's eyes slid over to him, and it growled.

  "Gross, gross, grossss!" I whined as it oozed zit monster juice over my arms. I heaved backwards as hard as I could, and my hands finally came free with a sticky pop sound. A nasty smelling, crusty, yellow goo coated my arms all the to the elbows.

  Trying to ighe maiam iy hands, I turned and spotted Sptsy lying a few feet away—half in, and half out of the fire.

  " fritters," I muttered—and then got blindsided by the maiam's to ed itself around me before I could react, and raised me up so that my feet left the ground.

  It began to reel me in, fangs glistening ominously in the firelight. It couldn't feed off of me. Ethan was the o wanted. But it had finally figured out that I wasn't going to let it chow down on my friend's giggle juice without a fight, so it was going to get rid of me first.

  "Cogito et creo!" Ethan shouted, and a blinding light fshed in front of me. I hit the ground. F my eyes open, I saw the maiam r in agony, its tongue spewing bck maiam blood as it thrashed around. No, only half its tohe other half was still ed arou fell off as I stood up, already beginning to shrivel and disappear.

  "Nice shot!" I yelled, givihan a thumbs up.

  He smirked, actually looking fident for once, and raised the glowing spellhammer again. "Cogito et—"

  A nearby table colpsed, catapulting a half-empty gss of booze into the fire.

  FWOOOSH!

  A fireball taller than me exploded up from the floor, barely two feet away from Ethan. His head snapped over to look, and…

  Uh oh, I thought.

  "…creo!"

  I don't know what he nning to do, but with his tration shattered and the huge ball of fire at the forefront of his mind, the spellhammer's light turned red—and a pilr of fmes burst out of it!

  "Holy crap!" he screamed, holding it away from him as it sprayed fire as hot as dragoh across the club. He shook it, as if he could put it out like waving a match, but all that did read fire to the few pces that weren't already burning.

  "Ethan!" I yelled. "You o—whoop!"

  I ducked, the fmes passing right above me.

  "You o trate!" I finished.

  With teeth gritted and eyes wide with panic, Ethan grabbed the spellhammer with both hands and squeezed the handle as hard as he could. Slowly, the inferno began to weaken—and the maiam came barreling out of the fmes with a roar.

  I cursed. Just my luck that Ethan would light everything on fire except the ohing we wao be on fire! Breaking into a sprint, I grabbed Sptsy out of the fmes, and then wheeled around to intercept the maiam before it could get Ethan.

  Here's a riddle for you: what's more awesome than a regur Sptsy?

  FLAMING SPLATSY!

  I mao jump in front of the maiam just in time, swung Fming Sptsy in a wide ard smmed her into the maiam's gut. It stumbled backwards, pawing fusedly at the ring of fire I'd left on its belly, and I followed it up with a blow to its shin. The zit monster fell to its knees, and I wound up for the killing strike—

  "Henry, look out!" Ethan yelled, and tackled me to the ground. Half a sed ter, the ceiling groaned, and a big k came loose, crashing down onto the spot where I'd just been standing and throwing up a cloud e sparks.

  "Thanks for that," I said, furiously trying not to blush at the way he was lying on top of me.

  "You just had to light the stupid p fire, didn't you?" he grouched, rolling off of me—ahat's the rush?—aing back to his feet.

  The maiam picked itself up, probably w how a simple trip to the club could have gone s. Entire ses of its body were pulsing now, as if it had a dozes hidden just beh the skin, and a river of inklike blood from its mouth. It eyed Ethan, then me, obviously trying to decide what to do in its tiny little brain—grab Ethan and run while it still had a ce, or finish me off to make sure I didn't give it any more trouble?

  I raised Fming Sptsy in the universal sign of I'm going to kick your butt whether you like it or not. The spellhammer lit up again ihan's hands. We g each other, nodded, and—

  The zit maiam exploded like…well, a zit. I'll spare you the details.

  I could only stand there, staring in shock as the maiam's legs, which were all that was left of it, fell to their khen flopped onto the floor. Immediately, they began to shrivel up like chip bags thrown into a campfire. Both Ethan and I were covered in bck maiam blood. So much blood that it had turned Fming Sptsy batur Sptsy. It was evaporating quicky, just like the body, but it still smelled like moldy gym socks that had beeen and pooped out by a catfish.

  "What…the hell…just happened?" Ethan asked, just as surprised as I was.

  "I just did my worthless cousin's job for her. That's what happened."

  I spotted a shadow between the fmes, walking toward us as fidently as if it were fireproof. With every step, the sound of king s echoed through the air.

  I almost dropped Sptsy. Oh, no. No, no, no, please whoopie cushion in the sky, no!

  "Henry, who is that?" Ethan asked, ing to stand beside me as the interloper's paintmarks came into view. They sshed diagonally across her face, f a blood-red X. Her hair, the same vibrant red as her paintmarks, was cut short so that it covered her head like a helmet, making it look like a very specific piece of dy.

  "That, Ethan," I answered with more dread in my heart than a thousand maiams could inspire, "is my Cousin Gumdrop."

  I tightened my grip on Sptsy, fighting the urge to beat the arrogant smirk off my cousin's face. The way she held her hammer—smaller than Sptsy, but made of solid iron and with a that wound around her right arm—made it look like her guard was down, but I knew she could crush my squishy little head before I'd even lifted Sptsy.

  "What are you doing here, Gumdrop?" I snapped.

  The smirk disappeared, and her X-shaped paintmarks fshed with red light. The fact that she hated that niame is the reason I made sure to use it every time I saw her.

  "I'm doing your job," she said, her voice cold. "Since you obviously aren't up to the task."

  My cheeks bururning blue instead of red. "We had it under trol!"

  She looked around at the burning building. “Clearly.”

  Ethan put a hand on my shoulder. "Henry, we don't have time for—"

  I pushed him out of the way.

  "You only killed it because we'd tired it out!" I yelled. "If you'd tried that earlier, it would have made sour cream out of you!"

  Cousin Gumdrop gri me, her face glowing like a jack-o-ntern in the firelight, and I nearly lost my cool again. Everything about her, from her posture to the glint in her scarlet eyes, ure dession, and it made me so freaking mad!

  "We both know that isn't true, blueberry," she said, "but y pretend if you really want to."

  The building groahe supports almost entirely burned away. I reached for the Escher Cube in my pocket. Ethan was right, we did o skedaddle, and every sed I spent here arguing with Cousin Gumdrop was—

  "You should listen to your vending mae," she said, her voice cutting straight through my thoughts.

  I put the Cube back.

  "What did you just call him?" I demanded.

  "Henry, don't!" Ethan tried to pull me away, but I spped his hand off of me.

  Cousin Gumdrop's grin widened. "Oh, my mistake. He's your broken vending mae, isn't he?"

  "You shut your mouth!" I yelled.

  "When was the st time you got anything out of him? Sounds to me like you should just throw him away!"

  I ground my teeth so hard they hurt. "If you say one more word, I'll—"

  Suddenly, so fast that I didn’t even see her move, the iron sledgehammer ressed against my nose.

  "You'll what, you pathetic little Blue?" Gumdrop asked, her paintmarks fshing again. "You'll attack me? You'll finally give me an excuse to end your miserable life?"

  I froze. The iron hammer was cold, despite the heat being nearly unbearable. That look in her eyes…she wasn't bluffing. If I raised Sptsy against her, she wouldn't hesitate for a sed before killing me.

  And the worst part was, I wouldn't be able to stop her.

  "e ohan," I said, bag away and trying to ighe triumphant smile on Gumdrop's face. "We're leaving."

  I shrank Sptsy down, hung her from my belt, and pulled out the Cube. Ethan joined me, and I…

  I knew I should just go. us both out of here while we still could. But the way I'd slunk away from her, like I py and she was my owner wielding a rolled up neer, made my blood boil inside my veins.

  I looked at her. "You're just jealous that McGus e and not you!"

  I expected her to scowl at me, but to my surprise her smile only widened.

  "Things ge, Blue. Things ge."

  "Henry!" Ethan yelled.

  F myself to look away from her, I grabbed the Cube and twisted it as hard as I could. The burning club vanished.

  But the anger and shame stayed right where they were.