Captain Malcom "Handsome" Johnson was sitting on top of the Golden Gate bridge. On the highest pillar, overlooking the bay. Tired after a long day of meetings with the Evil League of Villains.
It was bad enough that I had to go to a meeting with Legal, but being told that my lawsuit against Super Soda Pop had to be dropped on a technicality of 808's programing; and I refuse to call that junk heap "Bob"; having to show ALL relevant recordings of an incident, but I now have to pay the court fees? "What is my villain insurance good for?" he bellowed at the world.
There was a sudden poke in the middle of his back. "NOW WHAT?!?" He turned around.
Super Soda Pop was floating there.
"What do you want? Here to gloat about your court victory?"
She looked at him, a doleful expression on her face, "Mom says that you have missed to many Family Meals, and if you don’t show up on Sunday, she will do more than pull your ear."
Out of reflex Captain Handsome put his hands up to cover his ears. "Ok, Ok, please tell her I will be there promptly at Noon, in my civies."
"Good. I will let her know." She flew off into the starry, cloudless night.
"I'M 347 MILES FROM HOME! IN A RANDOMLY DETERMINED DIRECTION! HOW DOES SHE KEEP FINDING ME?!?" He yelled to no one in particular. Below him on the bridge, several drivers looked around trying to find the source of the scream, before continuing on their drive.
I need to find a new way to take revenge on that "Search and Rescue Robot MK 3TM-808". "This is all its fault. If not for him I would have beaten my sister", he said out loud, using his inside voice this time. "Now I have to attend lunch at Mothers." And now I'm thinking about my family.
Captain Handsome had been adopted, at an early age, into a well to do black family, who lived in a master planned community. A full family, mom, dad, and 4 children, 2 girls, 2 boys, including Handsome. They were well regarded by the HOA, the PTA, and the other neighborhood organizations. Then dad had died in the first gulf war, and mom got remarried to John Kwong. John was actually a nice guy, strict when needed, but nice.
But Handsome had always felt left out, out of place. He was white.
His mother, short, thin, and as imposing as a modern battleship would be in WWI. A stern look could bring a grown man to heel, and a child to tears. A kind word would make you float. A cuss never crossed her lips; unless you counted her southern "Bless your heart", which could come out in any form, from sugar sweet to utter disappointment, and anything in between.
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He loved, respected, and feared his mother.
"What-cha doing up here, Captain?' The voice was low, almost a growl.
Startled from his musings, Handsome jumped a bit, "Oh, Luddite. don't sneak up on me like that." Staring down below, at the new arc lights the city had put in, "I see the new lights don't upset your sense of decency."
"True. It will save them money in the long run too. Less broken bulbs" Luddite smiled. "I heard about your failure stealing Bob's award last week. You really need to get revenge on that bot. He screwed you on the court case too."
"Yes. But how? He has escaped and foiled me at every turn! The rock to my crotch; the lawsuit; the witness rescue, I had that women to rights! She should have died in that pit!" he said, sitting up straight, as he got angrier. "Thrice damned meddling rescue bot. 808 needs to be destroyed!"
-----
327 miles away, in his spacious garage, "Search and Rescue Robot MK 3TM-808" had an electronic sneeze.
-----
"Coming up soon The Monkey in the Middle and I are planning a bank heist in 808's usual work area. We could do some extra damage so it shows up. Maybe drop another building on it? Then you could use one of your Demolition Blasts to blow a hole in its side so my powers can effect it." Luddite looked very pleased with his plan. "No cut of the vault job for you, though; you would just be there for revenge."
"I could arrange to be there. What day and time?"
"We are thinking this Sunday, around noon."
"NO... I mean no. Mom wants me there for Family Time on Sunday."
"Mom...Your mom? Mrs. Karen "THE BATTLESHIP" Johnson, mom?!?"
"Yup. That's her." Handsome looks around, very carefully, "And don't say her name so loudly, she might hear you."
Luddite laughed, "That's a rumor. There is no way she could hear us out here. Not with all this traffic and distance."
"I HEARD THAT MR. LUDDITE! DON'T MAKE ME CALL YOUR AUNT BECKY" They heard, both in their ears and in their minds.
"No, not Aunt Becky" Luddite shuddered uncontrollably "SORRY MRS. JOHNSON!" And more quietly to Handsome, "Shit. Why do I keep forgetting she can do that? Fuck. Migraine."
"I tried to warn you. Am I the only one who remembers that she can actually do that? And why does everyone forget that She is my mother?" Handsome shakes his head to clear it. "So, no, not Sunday. How does Tuesday work for you?"
"Should be fine. I will clear it with Middle, and send you a V-Mail."
"Ok. I will put it into my calendar."
The Luddite climbed backwards down the pilon, whistling some old song to himself.
Finally! I am alone with my own thoughts again. Why do people always show up when I'm trying to have an internal monologue? And "speaking of strange things, why are there so many villains with "Monkey" in their names?" Theres "The Monkey in the Middle", "Monkey Wrench", "Curious Georgia" who actually is a monkey, "The Great Goliath Gorilla" who just wears a monkey suit... Just so many monkeys. "Did someone spill a barrel of them?"
He stared out over the bay, and began to plan his monologue for the end of his greatest foe: "Search and Rescue Robot MK 3TM-808".
