Rex had been inside Realms of Varnath for maybe thirty minutes and was already suffering from emotional lag.

  Prince Trevor de Vaughn –runaway heir, certified problem– was marching ahead through the glitchy tutorial forest, shirt half-unbuttoned and whistling an upbeat tune that sounded like it belonged in a brothel with a cover charge.

  “We must find a tavern, Reximus!” The prince declared, swishing a stick around like it was a rapier. “It is tradition! All great heroes begin their journey at a tavern!”

  “I began mine in a moldy mud pit being called ‘punchable…’” Rex muttered.

  > **[Quest Alert: Locate Nearest Tavern]**

  > **[Objective: Acquire sustenance and potential comedic side characters]**

  They emerged from the forest into what appeared to be a tutorial village –only this one looked like the devs-team had run out of budget halfway through. The buildings were copy-pasted, some doors floated in mid-air, and one cow was vibrating violently against a wall labelled ‘Do Not Enter: Under Construction’.

  “I hate how familiar this is…” Rex cursed under his breath, “but Shibal Sekiya HONTONI!”

  Trevor turned dramatically. “Fear not. We will find merriment, mead, and possibly maidens. Follow me, Reximus!”

  Rex squinted at the building with a barely legible sign that read: Tarn Vavn – Ale, Fud, Quests?? He arched an eyebrow. “I think that’s our place.” He stated.

  **

  Inside the tavern, everything was somehow worse.

  The bartender was a one-polygon man with an unmoving face. His dialogue looped every few seconds: “Hello adventurer. Want. Drink? Hello adventurer. Want. Drink?”

  Trevor slid onto a stool. “Your finest wine, barkeep!”

  “Hello adventurer. Want. Drink?”

  “Charming fellow!” The prince giggled, tossing what looked like a button into the tip jar. “Now. We feast.”

  Rex poked the menu.

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  > [Drink Options]:

  > - Ale (99% water) – 3 coins

  > - Elven Wine (Actually just juice) – 5 coins

  > - Mystery Brew (Dev Placeholder) – ??? coins

  >

  > [Food Options]:

  > - Stale Bread

  > - Soup (questionable origin)

  > - Infinite Potato (glitched item)

  “I hate everything here.” Rex muttered, exhaling loudly.

  “You’re too negative.” Still expressing his big ass smile, Trevor cheerfully eating what Rex was 80% sure was just a texture less food cube. “This is all part of the Hero’s Journey!”

  “You’re not even a hero. You ran away from your royal duties.”

  “Exactly!” He retorted, biting into a potato. “My arc is called ‘Character Growth’. I plan to grow very little.”

  **

  That’s when the ground shook.

  > **[WARNING: Unstable Terrain Detected]**

  > **[Do Not Enter Zone: Varnath_Tutorial_SewageBoss_v0.2_broken]**

  > **[Debug Code: --ENABLE_EASTER_EGG/TOILET.BOSS]**

  “Rex…” Trevor warned, slowly pointing toward the back of the tavern.

  A faint sloshing echoed from a crooked door labelled **Privy** in Comic Sans.

  Rex then groaned. “You opened the door, didn’t you?”

  “I was curious!” The prince shouted defensively. “The sign had a fun font!”

  Oh for fuck’s sake this idiot dumb fucking prin—the outhouse door creaked open. And from within emerged something that should never have been rendered in three dimensions.

  A massive, sludge-covered construct made entirely of rusted toilet parts, broken code, and raw sewage gurgled out of the doorway.

  > **[UNNAMED BOSS ENCOUNTER: The Commode Abomination (Lv. ??)]**

  > **[Passive Skill: Foul Aura of Doom]**

  > **[Status: Unbalanced, Unfinished, and Unflushable]**

  “Are you kidding me!?” Rex yelped, backing away. “You triggered an alpha boss inside a toilet!”

  “You’re welcome!” Trevor retorted as he drew his twig dramatically.

  The beast let out a horrific *BLARRRGH* and charged.

  **

  **[Combat Initiated: Commode Abomination]**

  **Danger Level: “Just No”**

  “Okay,” Rex said. “We need to glitch it.”

  “Glitch it how?” Trevor asked, dodging a flying toilet seat.

  “Throw the potato!”

  The prince blinked. “The what now?”

  “The Infinite Potato! It’s a bugged item. Might crash it!”

  Trevor followed the order, chucked the steaming potato like a grenade. It hit the boss square in the face.

  The boss then paused in response. Shuddered.

  > **[ERROR: OBJECT_TYPE=FOOD not compatible with BOSS_TYPE=TOILET_DEMON]**

  > **[Crash Dump: Entity Overflow Detected]**

  The Commode Abomination began vibrating violently. Then it burst into a geyser of dirty data and flaming bathroom signs.

  > **[You defeated: Commode Abomination]**

  > **[Loot Acquired: 3 XP, Soggy Toilet Paper Cloak (+5 smell), Glitched Enamel Ring (???)]**

  > **[Achievement Unlocked: You Shouldn’t Be Here]**

  **

  Trevor de Vaughn stood proudly, covered in slime but beaming. “Another victory for Team Handsome!”

  Rex slumped against a table. “We almost died Your Esteemed Highness… in a tavern outhouse.”

  “Which makes it legendary,” the prince added. “Reximus, my dear green compatriot, we’re just getting started… baby!”

  Rex then had no choice but to groan.

  In pain.

  In heartache.

  Son of bitch!

  > **[New Quest Unlocked: Report Bug to Dev Shrine]**

  > **[Side Objective: Survive Long Enough to Do It]**