nosticksheld7

  Trish’s salon was surprisingly busy at nine in the morning; the sounds of hairdryers and chatter smothering me as I tried to sink deeper into my waiting chair. I had not baked any brownies that morning, and Kurt had been adamant that I not show up smelling like weed, so I was spending my Saturday morning infuriatingly sober. My leg bobbed up and down and my shirt found its way to my mouth. I was keenly away of the spectacle that I was, a terribly dressed greasy guy on the verge of a panic attack, and this only served to exacerbate my symptoms.

  At the very least, I had Kurt’s new haircut to look forward to; I had not seen him with short hair since his break-up with Tiff. While he couldn’t make himself ugly if he tried, my mouth was practically watering at an image of a cleaned up Kurt, in a smart-looking suit, his arm around my waist, pulling me tightly against his side.

  “Yo, Joey! You’re up bro!”

  I wasn’t disappointed; Kurt confidently walked over to me, a smirk carved into his face, his hair was styled in a quiff. “Like it?” He asked.

  “Certainly better than your fade, bro.” I said, consciously avoiding biting my lip.

  “When did I have a fucking fade?”

  “Senior year.”

  “How do you remember that?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Cause…ah, it was that atrocious.” I lied. It really did not suit him, but it was certainly memorable when you were eyeing him up.

  “Sure, dude.” Kurt said, smirk growing wider. “Think this’ll convince a coup Puritans of my virtue?”

  I returned his smirk. “If you take out your piercings, maybe.”

  Kurt groaned. “I’m waiting till the st minute for that, bro. Speaking of which…”

  I frowned, before his meaning dawned on me. “No. Fuck you, dude. I hate needles.”

  “We’ll go to Cire’s!” Kurt said quickly. “They use a gun-thingy. Trish’s girlfriend has these old cross earrings-”

  “No!” I said, my nerves returning with a vengeance. “Please, man. I’ll fucking die.”

  Kurt held his hands up. “We’ll talk about this ter. Trish is waiting, dude.” His smirk returned, a kinder tinge to it. “Can’t wait to see how you look.”

  “Like a chick, I hope.” I said, rising to my feet.

  “You will. You better. I wouldn’t be caught dead dating an ugly bitch.” Kurt said, taking my chair.

  “What about-”

  “Don’t finish that sentence.” Kurt said as I giggled. My stomach fluttered slightly as I made my way back to Trish’s, finding her cleaning hair off of a brush. The silver lining of this whole insane situation was the py-retionship with Kurt. While it couldn’t be real, it never could be, I could still act as though it was; I pnned to exploit that to the fullest.

  “Heyyyyy!” Trish said, wrapping me in a hug when I got near. “So good to see you!”

  “You too. It’s been a bit.” I said, returning her hug, “Do you, uh, know…what I need?”

  Trish released me and nodded enthusiastically. “Kurt gave me the scoop. Don’t worry girlie, you’re in good hands!” She put her brush in a drawer and gestured behind her. “We’re gonna wash your hair, but first, I’m not comfortable calling you ‘Joey’ for the next-half hour. Do you have a name picked out?”

  “Wha-oh! Shit!” I swore. How had I forgotten this crucial detail of pretending to be a woman?

  “It’s all good! I sorta figured you were still deciding.” Trish said. “Would you like me to just forgo using any first names?”

  Before I could respond, a name broke through the muddle that was my nerve wracked brain. “Ida.”

  “Ida? Keeping it old school, girl?” Trish said, giggling. “I love it!”

  I smiled, my face burning, eyes snapping down to my shoes. “It was my nana’s name.”

  “Aw! That’s perfect!” Trish said. “I’m so, so happy for you, Ida! When Kurt told me, I was surprised, but it actually makes a ton of sense. I can’t wait for you to blossom as a woman!”

  I picked up on the odd phrasing of that, but my brain was ser focused on the use of ‘Ida’ to refer to me. It was both shocking and natural; while it would certainly take some getting used to, I was ready to hear that name in pce of Joey. My name was simply so…bnd. Not unlike me.

  Getting my hair washed was a humiliating experience; I tried not to cringe out of my skin as Trish carefully brushed my tangles, which added up to make my head a veritable rat’s nest. Trish was gentle, and kind enough not to comment on my poor brushing habits. Instead she chatted about her life; her job, her girlfriend, and the trip to Greece she just took. Normally, I would feel horrible envy from such stories of bliss and joy, stories of lives together and people in love. Now, I was just happy that she wasn’t interrogating me about the insane scheme Kurt had roped me into.

  What the fuck was I doing? I had agreed to completely upend everything in my life to fix the stupid mistake of my moronic roommate, and agreed to pretend to be a woman, all because I had a hard-on for Kurt. I had agreed to be a something like a fucking mother to a young child for this man. Had he somehow known I would agree to this, or was he just that desperate? I was inclined to believe the tter, which made whatever resentment I had toward Kurt harder to express.

  There was a part of me that was just curious to see what the hell would happen.

  “So!” Trish said, sitting me down in the salon chair. “What style were we thinking today?”

  “I…uh, a, uh, girl’s haircut.” I said, doing my best not to curl into myself.

  Trish giggled, squeezing my shoulder. “I know that! What kind, though? Did you have anything in mind?”

  “...no.” I admitted. “I kinda just thought you’d…do it.”

  Trish sighed. “Well, I could, if you wanted. Do you want me to go through some styles and see what you like?”

  I nodded. “Okay. What, ah, what would work with my face?”

  Trish took a good, long, uncomfortable look at me, biting her cheek and pulling at her lip. “I think straight-cut bangs could be a good fit, if you commit to maintaining them. Maybe side-swept if you wanted something easier. Honestly, you have a lot of good options. You’re starting in a way better pce than I did.”

  I blinked. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re pretty is what I’m saying. You have a heart-shaped face, which is about as femme as one could get.” Trish smiled. “Once the hormones fill out your cheeks and give you curves, you’ll be a knockout. I’m kinda jealous, Ida.”

  I blushed, then frowned. “Hormones?”

  Trish’s smile dropped, a frown of her own repcing it. “Yeah, hormones. HRT? Surely you’ve heard of it!”

  I turned to face her. “No?”

  Trish’s frown turned into a look of surprise. “Oh! Well! I suppose I should fill you in, then. So, women like us take a regimen of hormones, usually a testosterone blocker and estrogen. These are pills, or sometimes injections or patches. They work to feminize our bodies, making fat distribute in a more womanly way. To put it bluntly, they’ll give you tits.”

  Women like us? Wait- “They will?”

  Trish nodded. “Uh-huh. And hips. And an ass. They’ll also feminize your face!”

  While that all sounded…interesting, I still didn’t understand why it was being suggested to me. “Would it be permanent?”

  “Pretty much! If you stopped, some of the changes would reverse, so you’ll need to remember to take your pills every day.”

  “Do…do I need this? Could I get by fine without it?”

  Trish’s face scrunched into a look of bewilderment. “I mean, you do you, but a trans girl who doesn’t want hormones is really odd. No judgment here, though! If you need more time-”

  “Wait!” I said, holding my hands up. “I’m not transgender!”

  Trish’s eyes widened. “Whaaa…but Kurt said that…” She trailed off.

  After a moment, it hit me. I groaned and put my head in my hands. “Trish, did he tell you that I was transgender? That's why I’m getting this haircut?”

  “Uh, yeah? Why the fuck else would you be getting it?” Trish said, her voice quivering slightly.

  I forced myself to look up from my hands and meet her eyes. “I’m so sorry. The actual reason is a…complicated expnation. Do you want to hear it?”

  She didn’t respond, but I decided to expin anyway. Trish’s face was unchanging throughout my rambling expnation, even as I told her that her brother had a secret, seven-year-old child. God, Kurt was such a fucking asshole. Did he really expect me to just go along with this lie? It was hard enough trying to expin to Trish now that I wasn’t transgender; imagine if I had to when…whenever I dropped the charade.

  When I finished, Trish remained unmoving and unblinking.

  “So, uh…” I started, looking at the clippers in her hand. “We still cool?”

  “What are you doing?” She finally asked, her kind demeanor absent. “Are you making fun of me?”

  “What?!? No!” I said quickly. “Look, I’m really sorry Kurt lied-”

  “Are you both fucking with me? Did he…” She closed her eyes and took a breath. “What is going on, Joey?”

  Hearing my name, this time, felt like a sp in the face. “Exactly what I told you! Kurt must’ve been too embarrassed to tell you the truth.”

  She scoffed. “Okay, hold on. Please, Joey, don’t fucking lie to me. I’m not stupid. What is going on? Is it just…hard to admit?”

  “No! No, please, I’m telling you the truth. Call Kurt over. I promise you, this is real. I know…I know it’s insane.”

  “Sure is.” Trish grumbled. “You text him. I need to get a move on if I’m gonna finish you on time. You still want the haircut?”

  “...yeah.”

  “Made a decision?”

  “Uh, straight-cut?”

  Trish sighed and nodded. “It’s a lot to maintain, okay? I’ll show you how when I’m done.”

  I exhaled. “Okay. Got it.” I settled into my seat, letting Trish trim my ends while I shot Kurt a text. The fucker tried to throw me under the bus to avoid telling his sister about his secret child; this was not a great start to our pretend-retionship.

  Kurt showed up way quicker than I anticipated, seemingly at my side the second I sent the text.

  “All good? What’s going on?” He said, standing oddly stiffly.

  Through the mirror, I could see Trish’s unchanging facial expression, her eyes ser-focused on my hair. “Expin to me what’s going on.” She said, “Now.”

  Kurt shifted on his feet. “I don’t-”

  “I told her, dipshit.” I said.

  Kurt's face twisted in anger. “Dude! What the fuck! Why?”

  “Do you have a child, Kurt?” Trish asked, still not looking up.

  “I…well…just, fuck! Fuck you, Joey!”

  I didn't feel the least bit remorseful about exposing my friend. I only felt like rubbing it in further. “Ida.” I corrected. Finally, Trish looked up.

  Kurt’s anger seemed to dissipate slightly. “What?”

  “That’s my girl name. If we’re actually gonna pull off getting your child, you better start practicing now.”

  “You’re a fucking asshole, Ida.” Kurt grumbled.

  “That’s no way to talk to your girlfriend, dude.” I giggled, my face heating up slightly.

  “You’re both so fucking stupid.” Trish muttered, eyes once again focused on cutting my hair. “I’m gonna do your bangs now. Last chance to back out.”

  The fact that this was a semi long-term body modification barely registered. I was having fun. “I’m sure, Trish.”

  “Okay…no, stop.” Trish put down the clippers and the comb. “Kurt, talk to me. How do you have a kid?!? Do you have a kid?!?”

  “...yeah.” Kurt said, scratching his head.

  Trish grabbed Kurt’s shoulders and shook him. “You have a fucking kid and you never told me?!? You…why?!?”

  “I didn’t know until yesterday!” Kurt protested. “I swear!”

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” There was a quiver in Trish’s voice. “I never hear from you! You never call, you never text, you never visit, until you need my help pulling off a braindead scheme to get custody of your fucking child!”

  “I…I would've told you.” Kurt said weakly. “I promise, sis. There’s a reason I asked you for help.”

  “Because I’m a hairstylist? Because I’m trans?”

  “Because you’re here. Because you’re my big sister, and because I’m desperate. I am not letting my child live without her father any longer.”

  Trish closed her eyes and swallowed, letting go of Kurt’s shoulders. “You’re so, so stupid.”

  “Couple people have said that.”

  “So how long exactly has your kid been a secret to you? How old is she?”

  Kurt closed his eyes. “She’s seven.”

  Trish gasped. “Kurt! She’s seven?”

  “I know, I know!” Kurt replied angrily. “I already feel like shit! I don’t need to hear anymore about it!” “Okay, okay. Have you told Carrie?” Trish asked. “God, have you told Mom and Dad?”

  “No. Please don’t, Trish.”

  Trish nodded. “My lips are sealed, as long as you let me visit. God, Mom’s gonna lose it all over again.” She gnced up at the rge wall clock above the entrance to the salon. “Shit. I have a real client coming soon. I’m gonna have to do this quickly.” Trish grabbed the comb and clippers again, giving me a pointed look. “Last chance. For real this time.”

  While I was having considerably less fun watching that fight, my feelings on the situation had changed little. “I’m sure.”

  “O-kay. Here goes.” Trish grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling it in front of my face. “Keep your head still for me, please.”

  “So, ah, Trish,” Kurt interjected. “I…had something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “You have a secret sister too?” Trish replied dryly.

  “I wanted to ask how we could get Jo-Ida, on, well, hormones.”

  A shock went through my body, and I bit back a curse. The nerve of this fucking guy! Who the hell did he think he was? For a straight guy, he was taking quite an interest in my body.

  “Kurt! No!” Trish excimed. “Why would you even ask that? Why would he want that?”

  “It’ll help with the deception! He’ll get a girly face and shit! Well, a more girly face.”

  “Hey!” I protested, heat rising in my face; I was thankful for the mass of hair still covering it.

  “Please, dude!” Kurt said, his breath quickening. “It’ll help! Do you really want to stuff a bra and wear hip pads for, like, years?”

  “Shut up! Stop talking!” Trish groaned. “First of all, he’s not transgender, so hormones are absolutely out of the question.” An odd feeling of disappointment settled in my stomach. “Second of all, how long do you expect to keep this up? Until the kid is eighteen? Do you actually expect Joey to pretend to be a woman for the next decade?”

  While I was rather annoyed with how presumptuous Kurt was, treating me more like a doll than someone with a real stake in what happens to his body, I would be lying if the idea of going on a hormone regime didn’t have its appeals. My current body was hardly anything to write home about, clocking in at an impressive 130 pounds on my 5’6 frame, none of it from muscle. While Kurt had occasionally become obsessed with ‘getting swole’ and getting a six-pack, I couldn’t remember a single time where I gave a shit about my body beyond semi-regur skateboarding injuries back in high school. In reality, having tits would almost certainly be more shocking than it was in theory, but I couldn’t imagine that sporting a rack and a sizable ass would affect me that negatively.

  There was also the matter of Kurt. Kurt…. If hormones changed my body in the way Trish described, if I would ‘be a knockout’, then maybe Kurt would like that. Maybe he would like that so much that I could progress this fake retionship to something else. Something more.

  “Until I can get official custody!” Kurt said.

  “Trust me, with how Joey described the grandfather, they’ll be on your ass for the rest of your life.” Trish sighed. “Do you really think-”

  “I can do the hormones!” I blurted out.

  There was silence outside of my hair prison, until I was suddenly freed by Trish, who was sporting a look of utter befuddlement. “What?!?”

  “My man!” Kurt said triumphantly. “Or my girl, I guess.”

  For some reason, that made me blush. Hard. With no cover to protect me, my reaction was on full dispy for Trish.

  There was a second of silence, before Trish suddenly stiffened. “Okay! Kurt, leave.”

  Kurt’s face fell. “Wait, like-”

  “Just go back to your chair!” Trish commanded, shooing him away. Kurt relented, but not before giving me a smile and wink. My heart skipped a beat, my face continuing to burn, which I decided I should now hide in my hands.

  “I think I see what’s happening here.” Trish said simply. “Look. In a roundabout way, I get it. But you should not change yourself so drastically for other people. Especially not for my brother.”

  I took my face out of my hands and cringed. “It’s not just that! Kurt should see his daughter!”

  “That’s not your responsibility.” Trish put her hands on her hips. “He’s asking you to pretend to be his girlfriend for an indeterminate amount of time. Do you really want to do that?”

  “If it helps, then…yeah, I guess.” I said. “I’m an adult! He’s not twisting my arm!”

  “Have you tried asking him if he likes men?” Trish said. “You never know.”

  “I haven’t, and you know he doesn't.” I said bitterly, crossing my arms. “Regardless…I’ve thought about it! I can do it! I don’t know, it could be fun!”

  Trish’s eyebrows shot up. “You think it could be fun to pretend to be a woman, pretend to date my brother, and then live with a child? Is he expecting you to take care of her?”

  “I can help out, I guess.” I said. “It’s his kid, so I won’t let him weasel out of doing the hard shit.”

  “I’m still hung up on the rest of it!” Trish leaned forward and squeezed my shoulders, her mouth forming a half-smile. “You don’t have to do this. If it causes a big rift in your retionship, you can crash at my pce. I’ll help you find somewhere else to live and I’ll figure out some way to get Kurt his kid.”

  I gnced off to the side, avoiding her gaze. “Are you being serious?”

  “Dead serious. I can see that you feel trapped, so I’m giving you an out.”

  I considered it. If I took her offer, I could get a fresh start without having to go back to my parents. I could save up some cash, get a better job, and maybe start my life for real this time. The embarrassment of living with my best friend’s sister and her girlfriend would be more than enough motivation for me to get off my ass and try. Maybe I’d even stop smoking.

  Well, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.

  Yet, as I thought about it, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss, a missed opportunity. It wasn’t even about the house or about Kurt. It was something else. A chance to really remake myself, into something I might even…

  “No thanks.” I said finally. “I think…I think I want to do this, as fucking insane as it is.”

  Trish released my shoulders and stepped back, a look of surprise adorning her face. “Really? It really wouldn’t be a problem to have you. Gabbie would probably like having extra help with her garden.”

  “I want to do this.” I repeated.

  “Why? Why in the world would you want to do this?”

  “Because I like your brother, I like living with him, and because…it’s hard to expin, but I want to do it. It’s insane, and it’s also a little exciting.”

  “It’s exciting?? It’s…huh.” Trish pulled her lip and squinted her eyes. “Okay. What about the hormones? Surely those are off the table?”

  I shrugged. “Why not? I’m already pretending to be a woman, I might as well go all the way. We’ll have to worry less about anyone finding out.”

  “You’ll grow boobs, dude. Your facial hair will thin, your skin will get soft, and you’ll lose muscle. Not only that, but you’ll feel totally different. You’ll cry more and at the littlest things. Your perception of yourself and the world around you will change. Yes, you can stop them, but not every change will reverse, and they won’t reverse quickly. Do you actually, really, truly, want any of that?”

  I hesitated for a second, before shrugging again. “None of it sounds bad. I like boobs fine.”

  Trish ughed. “Would you want them on you, doofus?”

  “Can’t imagine I’d hate them. You know what? Yeah, I would. They’d give me shape, and I would actually look good in women’s clothes.”

  Trish stared at me, eyebrows furrowed, mouth hanging slightly open. After a moment, she closed her eyes and groaned, sticking her head in her hands.

  “You’re so fucking stupid.” She said.

  “I really want-”

  “I know, I know you do.” She said, rubbing her face.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.” Trish opened her eyes and blinked at me. “God, you and Kurt both. Y’all are made for each other.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at that. I crossed my legs at the ankles and csped my hands in front of me. “So, uh, should I do the hormones?”

  “Yeah. I, ah, I have some spares from when I switched dosages.” Trish said, picking up her comb and clippers again. “I gotta rush. Sit still, please, Ida.”

  I obeyed, rexing into my chair, allowing Trish to brush my hair back in front of my face. “You changed your mind fast.”

  “I did.”

  “Were my arguments that convincing?”

  “Something like that, yeah.” Trish said. I felt her grip my hair and glide her scissors through it, revealing my face to the world once again. A gasp left me when I saw my reflection, a warm feeling spreading across my chest. A knockout, I was not, but I believed I was closer to what one could call pretty.

  “Like it?” Trish asked, a smile spreading across her face.

  “I love it.” I said breathily.

  “Good. Good!” Trish went back in front of me, switching scissors and trimming the ends. “You can sort of eyeball it when you are doing them yourself. If you want, I can do them for you, too. Just give me like a week's heads up.”

  “Thank you, Trish. Thank you so much!” I said, resisting the urge to hug her. “You did such a good job!”

  “It is my career.” Trish said, smiling wider. “I’m gonna curl your hair now. Or should I…do you want it curled? It’ll give it a little texture.”

  “Sure!” I said. “So, will you keep giving me hormones, or is it like a one time pill?”

  Trish grabbed her curling iron out of a drawer, chuckling softly. “You have to take the pills every day, girl. I can provide the stuff in the immediate future, but you should really see a doctor who can prescribe them for you.”

  I frowned. “What would I tell them?”

  “That you’re transgender.”

  “But I’m not!”

  “Uh huh.” Trish started running the iron through my hair. “You could just lie.”

  “I mean, I guess, but I don’t have insurance either. Would it be expensive?”

  Trish blew out a breath. “Yeah, it would. Tell ya what, I’ll keep letting you mooch off of

  me, until you can get some shipped from overseas. That should a lot cheaper, but they

  take a while to get here.”

  “Where do I buy them?”

  “The internet. I’ll send you the info.” Trish said.

  “Okay. Thank you, thank you.” I said, watching as my new curls fell into pce. “I need to shave.”

  “It’s really not that bad.” Trish said. “Maybe go home and get that done before you go anywhere else.”

  “Will do!” I said, my voice pitching up. Tears threatened to spill down my face as I watched my appearance shift in front of me. The hair could only do so much; the face of a tired, skinny stoner still stared back at me, although with a twinkle in the eyes that I had never seen before.

  “Almost done.” Trish said in a sing-song voice. “I’m gonna have to rush you right out of here. Gonna have to dey my next client already.”

  “I’m sorry, Trish. Jesus.” I leaned back in my chair and allowed her to take the barber’s gown off. “Dude, this is amazing!”

  “Anything for a sister.” Trish said.

  I blushed, stepping out of the chair, fluffing my hair with my hands. “Sister?”

  “Yep. You are, well, you are pretending to be a woman, right?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  “Then you’re a sister.” She said simply, before wrapping me in a sudden hug. “Don’t let my brother take advantage of you, okay?”

  I rexed into the hug, although I was self conscious about any possible B.O.. “Do you think he would?”

  “No, I really don’t, but…” She sighed, releasing me. “You’re both silly, I guess.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” She smiled. “Call him over. I want to say goodbye.”

  I pulled out my phone and fired a message off to Kurt. “What do we owe you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Wait, really?”

  “Yeah. You’re family.” She said, cleaning off the comb. “It was really nice seeing you again, despite the circumstances.”

  A voice behind me made me jump. “Dude, your hair is all curly!”

  I took a deep breath before turning around. Kurt’s eyes went wide, and he took a step back, stuffing his hands in his pocket.

  I giggled and fluffed my hair for him. I noticed that stereotypically feminine mannerisms were already making their way into my movements. “You like it?”

  His mouth fell open slightly, and his eyes seemed to trace every inch of my face and head. “Wha…you look kinda like a girl! Girl with some stubble, but still!”

  I turned red and covered my mouth. “I know, I need to shave. You like it though, bro?”

  “I do.” In an instant, his confidence returned, and a smirk appeared on his face. “Now here’s a chick I could date!” I blushed and fumbled with the phone in my hands, my mouth forming a smile.

  “Okay, you two. I really need to get a move on.” Trish said, pulling Kurt into a hug. “You can ogle her ter.”

  “Dude!” Kurt excimed, practically jumping when Trish released him. “We need to get your ears pierced! And you need a bra. And clothes. Maybe hip pads, like Trish used!”

  “Shush!” Trish said. “You’ll do only what Ida wants, ‘kay, little bro?”

  Kurt didn’t seem to be listening. “Wait, are you doing the hormones? Because it’s okay if-”

  “I’m doing them, man.” I said, still smiling.

  “Fuck yeah!” Kurt said, suddenly embracing me. “It’s working! It’s gonna work! I’m gonna see Evelyn! And you’re gonna be a woman for it!”

  I returned the embrace, doing everything in my power to fight tears. Why was this the best I had felt in…forever?

  “Love you two, but please go.” Trish said, giggling.

  “Love you, sis.” Kurt said, releasing me. “Thank you, thank you!”

  “You can thank me by inviting me over to see my niece.” Trish said. “Go on now. I’m rooting for you crazy kids.”

  “We’re twenty-five!” I protested.

  “Really? You coulda fooled me!” Trish ughed and shooed us away. Kurt was practically skipping out of the store, and I followed close behind, in awe of how weightless I felt.

  “Dude, we have so much to do! So much to buy!” Kurt said, turning around and gesturing wildly.

  “And no money to buy it all.” I retorted, smiling.