nosticksheld7

  Being stoned was great. It was way better, in my opinion, than being drunk. While both made me feel as though I was floating, my head buzzing, my thoughts a pleasant tickle rather than an overwhelming chorus, beer made me feel bloated and gross. I had also never mastered the art of avoiding hangovers. The worst part about a weed hangover was that you were no longer high.

  The smell still left something to be desired.

  I lit up another doobie, taking a long drag before spewing smoke into the dry air of my living room. A generous descriptor, for what actually consisted of a six-year-old ftscreen, my roommates Xbox, and my grandmother's torn up old couch. I shifted my weight on top of stain after stain and a no longer visible floral pattern. The ceiling fan above me did function, raining dust during the boiling summer months. Intellectually, I knew that air conditioning worsened the climate crisis, but I still wished that Colorado would catch up to the other Western states and install some real units. Might even help with the smell.

  My eyes fluttered, signaling to me that my second nap of the day was calling. I groaned and stretched, careful not to brush my joint against my hoodie, and put it out on the ashtray resting on my stomach. My nostrils burned slightly with the pungent smell, but eight years of use left me blessedly free from the worst of it. I still pulled my hoodie up over my nose, which itself smelled of weed and sweat. I should probably wash it. Tomorrow.

  Dreamnd began to embrace me, brown fuzz making psychedelic patterns in what remained of my vision. With a final grunt, I dug my back into the couch and passed out.

  Minutes, hours, days passed before I was finally awoken by a bang and a curse. My body y unmoving, my mind slowly working itself out of its coma. Weights had been pced on my limbs, preventing me from peeking my head out from my hoodie. A crushing feeling returned to me, one which I had sparred with for as long as I could remember. I wasn’t fucking high anymore.

  “Joey?”

  My name lifted the weights from my arms, and I pulled my head out of my hoodie, forcing my eyes open. Kurt, my roommate, stood in the door coming in from the garage and mudroom in his stained McDonalds uniform, which hung loosely on his nky frame. Air caught in my throat when I saw that he was wearing his biker jacket, easily the nicest piece of clothing either of us owned. His long brown hair was tucked behind his ears, allowing for an unobstructed view of his delicate features and dimpled smile. He was wearing that smile now, accompanied by a raised eyebrow.

  “You cool, bro? Skip out on work?”

  I grunted in response, shifting my weight onto my elbows to raise myself up. “Did I?”

  “Pretty sure you told me this morning you had a game tonight.” Kurt said, slinging his backpack onto the floor by the couch. “Might’ve misremembered.”

  I grinned. “Go into work high?”

  “Fuck yeah, bro. Couldn’t pay me to not work bzed. Speaking of…” He trailed off, grabbing the joint out of the ashtray on my stomach. The slightly burned paper wrap didn't stay that way for long, falling victim to Kurt’s lighter.

  “Man, I put my lips on that!” I protested, trying to keep my eyes off of Kurt’s pretty, plump lips wrapped around my joint.

  Kurt closed his eyes and blew out a long stream of smoke. “I don’t give a shit. It’s good weed. Tastes like fucking ash though.”

  “Wonder why. Gimme a hit.”

  Kurt nodded, bending over and holding the joint to my lips. I savored the taste, ash and all, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. From the second week of rooming with Kurt, all the way back in my freshman year of college, I knew I had a crush on the guy. Between his smile, his voice, his beautiful green eyes, and the easy conversation we made, it was hard not to. I had long since accepted that my crush would be forever unrequited; inevitable, considering Kurt’s self-evident straightness. That didn’t mean that I wouldn’t savor every smile, every kind word, every touch, dreaming about what could be.

  “Thank youuuu.” I drawled, ying back on the couch and smiling up at my roommate.

  “‘Course, bro. I’m finishing it though.”

  “It was mine originally, dickhead!”

  “And you were gonna waste it. I am not so irresponsible.” Kurt took a drag, looking off into the kitchen. “You hungry?”

  “A little.” I lied, as I was in fact very hungry. “Whatcha want, dude?”

  “I’ll buy us pizza. Did you grab groceries?”

  I cringed, sitting up and putting my head in my hands. “Fuckin’ forgot.”

  “No stress my man, just gotta do it tomorrow.” Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket, suddenly gncing back at me, an intense look in his eyes. “The fridge was empty this morning. The hell did you eat today?”

  I froze, my buzzed brain trying desperately to form a lie. Kurt had gotten on my ass about my eating habits in the past, becoming uncharacteristically chastising whenever he did. While I did have a penchant for going days without eating, it wasn’t because I had a fucking ED! Cooking was difficult, especially when takeout boxes covered both the stove and sink.

  “I, uh, ate at work.” I said, putting on a fake smile.

  The intense look on Kurt disappeared. “Ah.” He nodded, putting his phone to his face, then quickly to his ear. A moment passed before he started speaking, rattling off our usual order of pineapples and sausage, followed by his debit card number. In the meantime, a scratchy feeling entered my throat, and pushed myself off the couch unsteadily.

  “Want water?” I mouthed to Kurt, who nodded as he read off our address.

  Wobbling into the kitchen, I rummaged through the side of the sink filled with dishes rather than boxes, found two gsses I thought looked good enough, and filled them with tap water. Kurt hung up the phone behind me, and I heard him colpse onto the couch.

  “I’m fucking beat, bro. Wanna-wait! You lying piece-a-shit, you missed work today!” Kurt yelled. I couldn’t help but giggle in response.

  “I’m gonna eat when the pizza gets here, dude.” I drawled, walking back to the couch, gsses in hand. “Chill.”

  “Whatever.” Kurt said, taking a drag before accepting the water from my outstretched hand. “You really should eat before it’s fucking eight at night.”

  “Shit, it’s that te?”

  “Uh-huh.” He replied, grabbing the remote and his Xbox controller from in between the couch cushions. A furrowed brow reappeared on his face, and he pursed his lips together. “Another one of those days?”

  I wasn’t prepared for his recognition, nor was I prepared for how vulnerable it left me. I sat and curled my legs under myself, pulling my hoodie over my mouth. “‘Guess so.”

  Kurt scooted closer to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Shit, sorry Joey. Here.” The joint was pressed to my lips again, and I eagerly accepted, trying to keep the heat in my groin from making anything unsightly rear its head. “Always helps, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I affirmed, my throat cracking from dryness.

  “I know what’ll really cheer you up. The Hangover Part 3?”

  I suppressed an eyeroll. The Hangover movies were a Kurt favorite, even if I could very much do without them. Nonetheless, I was happy to stare at the screen as the movie turned into a meaningless blob of colours and my brain went up to stoner heaven. “Sure.” I replied.

  “Sick.” Kurt said, taking his arm off me and fumbling with the controller. “Hope our Netflix renewed.”

  The next indeterminable period of time was spent looking at the movie, the dialogue only barely registering in my head. I could feel sleep creeping up on me, and I curled further into myself in response. Another day done and gone. Who knows how many more remained. As many as I wanted, I supposed, biting my cheek in an attempt to suppress tears. Rather than quashing the thought, I allowed it to bounce around in my head. The more it remained, the more appealing it became.

  I was suddenly shaken from my thoughts when Kurt’s phone rang. I groaned while Kurt mumbled something about the pizza before answering his phone. “Hello?”

  I watched Kurt’s face as it twisted in confusion, his brow furrowing and his eyes squinting. “Wha-who is this?”

  There was a period of silence while he listened to the person on the other end, his expression unchanging. “You got the wrong number, bro.”

  Another period of silence followed, ending with Kurt shaking his head and muttering, “I can’t hear this fucking guy.” He pulled the phone from his ear and turned the speakerphone on, the voice of a clearly upset man filling the living room.

  “Are you even listening to me, sir?!?” The man said. “Are you not concerned about your daughter?”

  I suppressed a giggle; the man, who sounded older, obviously wasn’t thinking straight and had called a random number. Kurt, almost certainly thinking the same thing, smiled and shook his head. “Man, I don’t know who you are, and I don’t have a daughter. Please don’t call me again.”

  “As I already expined,” The man said, his voice seething. “The child currently in my care is the child of Mary Burch and you, Kurtis Armer. Surely you remember my Mary, right?”

  I giggled, but immediately stopped when I saw Kurt’s face turn the color of milk. Forgoing responding, he instead pulled his knees to his chest and covered his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut.

  “Do you remember? Sir?” The man demanded.

  “I remember.” Kurt said quietly. My jaw dropped, the buzz quickly clearing from my head. On impulse, my hand smacked Kurt’s shoulder and I hopped off the couch, holding my head. Kurtis didn’t react to my smack, staring instead at the muted movie, eyes now as wide as ptes.

  “Well, at least that’s settled.” The man huffed. “Now, four months ago my Mary went to be with God, leaving your daughter in mine and my wife’s charge. While we love our granddaughter dearly, we do not see this state of affairs as what the Lord intended. She should be with her father.”

  Kurt and I stayed frozen, my mind trying to accept what the fuck was happening. As I regained motion and mouthed ‘what the fuck’ at Kurt, he got his own voice back.

  “What’s my daughter’s name?” He choked out.

  “Evelyn.” The man replied. “She’s a sweet girl, if rather rowdy.”

  “Mary’s dead?”

  “In this life, yes. It was very sudden. That’s not what this call is about.”

  Tears appeared at the corners of Kurt’s eyes, and he swallowed. “You want me to see the kid?”

  The man sighed loudly. “I want you to raise the kid, young man. On a few conditions.”

  My mouth was still open, and I waved my arms wildly at Kurt, eventually settling on a hanging up motion. Kurt's eyes finally moved, gncing at me for a second before saying, “What conditions?” It took all the willpower I had not to scream.

  “First, do you have a fulltime job?”

  “Yeah.” I shook my head furiously.

  “That’s one condition fulfilled. Second, do you have a home? A real home, mind you.”

  “I rent one.” I mouthed ‘what the fuck are you doing’.

  “Do you have a car?”

  “Yes.” I turned around and smmed my head against the wall.

  “Good so far. Now, we do not believe in single parents. It is the root of much of the evil in our degenerating society. I want Evelyn to have a complete family. Do you have a wife or a girlfriend who would be willing and able to care for a seven-year-old?”

  I breathed an involuntary sigh of relief, rexing into the wall my head y against. This whole stupid conversation was over; Kurt hadn’t so much as been on a date with a chick in well over a year. Being a weed-smoking burnout tended to have that effect. While I recognized the selfishness of rooting against my best friend having a retionship with his child, this was the best outcome for the both of us. Kurt couldn’t care for a fucking child, and I didn’t want to be kicked out! I didn’t want to lose all I had.

  Regardless, it didn’t matter anymore. This would be a difficult evening, if not a difficult week, but soon all would be back to normal. The two of us would be ughing about this over another screening of The Hangover Part 3 in a year.

  “I do, sir. I have a girlfriend who…could do that.” Kurt said behind me. I froze, my stomach dropping to my feet.

  “Well, that’s…a surprise. From what little Mary told me about you, that’s…I’m impressed, Kurtis.”

  I whirled around to see that Kurt had buried his head in his knees, holding the phone out in front of him. The slew of curses I had prepared died on my tongue.

  “We require a meeting with the two of you, of course. We will also be verifying your other cims, just to be sure that Evelyn will be well cared for. I’m sure you understand. Will you be ready to take her a week from tomorrow?”

  “Uh…” I wanted to gesture, to scream, to throw Kurt’s phone in the garbage, but I couldn’t. Not when he was the saddest I had ever seen him.

  He took a shaky breath. “What…what’ll happen if we can’t take her? Or if you don’t approve?”

  There was finally silence on the other line, only for a moment. “My wife and I have raised many, many children. We have done our time and our service to the Lord in that way. We would like to enjoy our retirement, and mourn our daughter. To that end, while we detest the idea of the government raising Evelyn, she will be pced up for adoption if you cannot take her.”

  “She-she will?”

  “Yes, Mr. Armer.”

  Kurt picked his head up, tears staining his cheeks red. He took a breath and fred his nostrils. “I’ll take her, Mr. Burch. I can meet next Saturday.”

  “Wonderful. That’s truly wonderful to hear. We will message you the details of the meet when we have them. Expect them by the end of the weekend, Mr. Armer. Good night.”

  With that, the line cut, and I finally got to scream.

  “What the fuck, bro?!?” I yelled, jabbing my finger at him. “What the fuck are you doing?!?”

  Kurt didn’t respond, his tear-filled eyes staring past me.

  “Dude! You…you agreed to take a fucking child! A child, from a guy you’ve never met! To raise alongside a girlfriend you definitely don’t have! Are you stupid?!? Are you fucking high?!?”

  “Wish I was fucking high.” Kurt muttered, still not looking at me.

  “You stupid motherfucker! How do you know this isn’t a scam, huh? Do you actually know any of these people? What-”

  “Shut the fuck up! Shut up, Joey!” Kurt yelled, standing up and flipping me off. “I’m going for a walk. Need to think clearly.”

  “No kidding.”

  “Eat a dick, fuckface. Clean your damn room before you butt into my life.”

  I scoffed and waved my arms wildly. “Butt into…you realize I live here too, right? This is my life!”

  Kurt took a breath and closed his eyes. “Just…let me clear my mind. I’ll talk to you when I get back, okay?”

  I opened my mouth to continue my tirade, but the look Kurt gave me made me cm up. Nodding, I slumped back into the couch, watching as Kurt walked into the mudroom, smming the door behind him.

  My sulking on the couch didn’t st for long; this insane ordeal had given me more energy than I can ever remember having. I started pacing quickly, my mind working equally fast. If worse came to worst, I did have pces I could go. While the prospect of showing up on my parent’s doorstep in Santa Fe didn’t fill me with happiness, that option was surely still open to me. I could see if I could crash on my brother’s dorm couch. Hell, I could see if the st guy I tried to hook up with had a free room. I hadn’t talked to him since college, but maybe there was still something there.

  But…I couldn’t do any of that. If I went back home, went to my brothers, or crashed on some guy’s couch, I’d be starting over from square fucking one. While I could be sure that hardy anyone envied the life I had, it was mine. It was mine, and now I stood to lose it.

  I wasn’t going to, though. Unless Kurt, on his walk, had somehow came up with a solution to the gring fucking problem of not having a girlfriend, I was in the clear. If anything, this horrible evening made me appreciate slightly more the life I had. It could always be worse. I could have a secret fucking child.

  After a while, the front door opened, putting an end to my pacing. Kurt walked in, holding a pizza box and clutching his jacket tightly against his chest.

  “Pizza was outside the whole time. We must’ve missed the knocking.” He said, kicking off his shoes.

  “Those are supposed to go in the mudroom.” I said, pointing.

  Kurt rolled his eyes. “Fuck off, Joey. Don’t be a jackass until you hear me out.”

  Whatever. I didn’t actually have anything to lose. “Fine. Expin one thing to me first. How do you know this is real? Who the hell is Mary?”

  Kurt sighed, walking past me into the kitchen, tossing the pizza box on top of a stack of them in. “We need to take out the garbage.”

  “Answer!” I demanded.

  “Sit on the couch with me. Please?”

  Shaking my head, I followed his lead. To my surprise, he wrapped his arm around me again, pulling me against his chest. I sighed and settled against him, my breathing slowing. If this was a ploy to get me to shut up, Kurt was smarter than I gave him credit for.

  “Mary…” Kurt began, breath seizing. “Mary and I dated, sort of, for about two months back when we were freshies in college.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about her?” I asked.

  “Because we were barely friends then, dude! I didn’t think I needed to tell you about every fucking thing going on in my life!”

  “Okay, okay.” I relented. “So you knew her. That doesn’t-”

  “Let me finish. We dated for about two months, nothing serious. We went on like three dates and fucked twice. But then…” He paused again. “She asks me to come over. Begs. I sure wasn’t expecting to be met with a whole lotta crying and a positive pregnancy test.”

  I groaned into Kurt’s chest. “Jesus, man. You used protection though, right? She could’ve-”

  “I didn’t. I was stupid and selfish. I admit that.” Kurt said.

  I sat up and stared my best friend in the eyes. “You’re a fucking moron.”

  “I was a teenager, man!”

  “You were an adult, bro.”

  When no retort came, I put my head in my hands. “This really is your fucking kid, huh?”

  “Probably.” Kurt said quietly.

  “...okay. So what happened after that?”

  “I-we fought. I called her hysterical, a liar, a bitch. She called me worse and then some. When I told her to just get an abortion, she punched me and kicked me out. Told me she never wanted anything to do with me and that I would never see our child. I figured that was fine with me, so I got high and promptly forgot about the whole thing.”

  “You fucking forgot?!?”

  “Well, wait, not exactly! I just…I thought about it occasionally, bro! After like a year I figured that if she wasn’t contacting me for child support, she did end up getting an abortion.”

  I sighed, moving my hands to rest on my chin. “Guess not.”

  “Guess fucking not.” It was Kurt’s turn to put his head in his hands, sobs starting to wrack his body. “I have a fucking kid, man! She’s seven! I already missed so much!”

  No matter how I felt, my arms flew instinctually around Kurt’s shoulders, squeezing him tightly. I couldn’t stand to see this pretty man cry, no matter how badly he fucked up. Kurt buried his head in my chest and sobbed harder. There we rested, with him pressed against my hoodie while I rubbed his back gently. Not long after, he stopped shaking and sat up, wiping a tear from his eye.

  “You need to wash that hoodie, dude.” He said, chuckling slightly.

  “I know, bro.” I said. “Tomorrow.”

  “I’ll remind ya in the morning.” He said.

  “Kurt, buddy…” I tried to pick my words carefully. “Do you actually want to take her in? Do you actually want to take care of a child?”

  “I want to. I have to.” Kurt said firmly. “I won’t let a child of mine end up in the foster system.”

  “Maybe you could, like, adopt her when you're more stable?” I suggested.

  “No, dude. I’ve lost so much time already.” Kurt said. He raised an eyebrow at me. “Would you want to end up in an orphanage if your mom just died?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Exactly, broseph.” Kurt said, leaning back into the couch and looking up at the ceiling. “I have a fucking daughter.”

  “Maybe…look! I don’t know why you’re even entertaining the idea of taking Evelyn in! You don’t have a fucking girlfriend!”

  Kurt looked back at me suddenly. His eyes were intense, but there was…something else there. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He rubbed his chin and leaned toward me.

  “I thought of a…potential solution.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from ughing. “What? Are you gonna call Tiff up and be like ‘I know you dumped my ass forever ago but can you please help me take care of a child’? Is that your pn?”

  Kurt leaned in closer, eyes looking me up and down. “Not exactly.”

  I ughed again, nervously this time. “What is then, man? I’m on the edge of my fucking seat!”

  Kurt sat back, not taking his eyes off me, and began chewing his hair. Silence hung in the air for what felt like a half-hour, before Kurt said, “You could pull it off.”

  I frowned at him. “Pull what off?”

  “You could pull off pretending to be my girlfriend.” He said, as though it were a normal sentence.

  A ugh escaped me even as my heart skipped. “Funny, dude.”

  “I’m bein’ serious. Hear me out,” Kurt pulled his hair out of his mouth and leaned forward. “You want to keep living here, right? Do you think that Mr. and Mrs. Jesus Christ would be happy with a guy living here who, no offense, is a stoner who can’t do undry?”

  “Offense taken.” I spat.

  “Whatever. You know I love you, man, but it’s true. If you did this, you could keep living here, I could get custody of my daughter, and Evelyn could…she could-”

  “You know you can’t handle being a single father, so you want me to slot into the fucking ‘mom’ role and care for your child! That really sounds fair to you, dipshit? I’m not the one who boned a chick without a condom!”

  Kurt’s face twisted in anger. “You think I’d pick you if I had any other fucking option? I have to remind you to wash your filthy-ass hoodie and you still don’t do it! All I can expect from you is that you make sure Evelyn doesn’t fucking die if I have to go somewhere!”

  I opened my mouth, but quickly felt my own anger dissipate at Kurt’s words. While I was never delusional about my reality, hearing Kurt say it so succinctly ripped my chest apart. Tears tugged at the edges of my eyes, and I shook my head.

  Kurt, for his part, must’ve realized that he went too far. Anger disappeared from his face, and an open mouth took its pce.

  “Joey, hold-”

  “Fuck you.” I choked, tears starting to fall. Jumping off of the couch, I threw him a parting bird before saying, “good luck with this shit.”

  “No! Stop!” Kurt yelled. Hands grabbed my shoulders from behind as I was storming off, spinning me right back around. His own eyes were filled with tears again. “Please…just-”

  “Just what, man?” I said. “Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t! I’m a guy! What hell did you think was gonna happen? I was gonna put on a dress and fool two people? And then be a mother to your child?”

  “I can’t think of anything else.” Kurt said. “I’m outta fucking options, and I wanna see my kid, man! I wanna raise her!”

  “I…” I paused, my words lost to me under Kurt’s pleading gaze.

  “Please, Joey, please. Just for the meeting. You don’t have to ever do it after, you don't have to help with Evelyn, and you get to stay. Please?”

  I swallowed. “This still doesn’t address the real problem; they won’t buy that I’m a woman, much less your girlfriend!”

  Kurt let go of my shoulders and bit his lip, his eyes moving down to his feet. “You could pull it off.” he repeated.

  “How? How, dude?”

  “I…know a thing or two.”

  “About what?”

  “Shit like this, I guess. My sisters’ trans.”

  I blinked. “What? Which one?”

  “Trish.”

  “She is?”

  Kurt nodded. “Exactly. You would never know. She could help us fix you up.”

  “I’m not trans though!” I protested.

  “I know, dude. It would just be for the meeting.”

  “You think that guy would be jazzed about a trans woman existing near his granddaughter?”

  “The point is they wouldn’t know you were a guy!” Kurt said. “It. Would. Just. Be. For. The. Meeting. I keep telling you that!”

  “And they would never show up to check on Evelyn? Not once? How would it go over when they come over and find that not only is Evelyn without a stepmom but also living with a random-ass guy?”

  Kurt didn’t respond, so I continued, “And how would Evelyn feel when she found out that the woman she met was actually me?”

  “Dude, I don’t…” Kurt took a breath. “I don’t know. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. Please, please just try? I don’t want to lose you, man. You’ve been my fucking guy forever, and I don’t want to lose that. I like having you around, as annoying as you are.” He pulled me into a rough hug, burying his head in my shoulder. “I want to raise my daughter. I don’t wanna be a fucking deadbeat. But you’re right. I don’t know shit about fatherhood, parenthood, whatever. I need help. I need your help.”

  Fuck.

  “Kurt…” I knew that this was a ridiculous ask, I knew that this would completely upend my life, I knew that this would require me to be something resembling a mom to a child, but Kurt’s beautiful, pathetic face was not making rejection easy. Maybe…maybe this could work for me too. Pretending to be Kurt’s significant other was certainly the closest I could ever get to his being his actual significant other. Pretending to be a woman was much, much trickier, although the idea…didn’t sound horrible. Oddly enough, while being a mom sounded exhausting, being a father sounded downright repulsive. Being anyone other than Joey Thorne sounded good though, as far as I was concerned. Maybe this would be a way to…

  “I’m going to be a woman the whole time.” I blurted out.

  “Wha-really? Why?” Kurt said, releasing me from the hug.

  I shrugged. “It'll be easier than trying to expin to Evelyn that I’m actually a man. We wouldn’t have to worry about her grandparents finding out, and…I don’t know, it could be fun?”

  “Dude, you sure?”

  I scoffed. “You suggested it, asshole! You should be on your hands and knees thanking me right now!”

  A smirk appeared on Kurt’s face. “C’mon sweetheart, at least take me out to dinner first.”

  “I’m the soon to be sorta-stepparent of your child. We’re a little past that, dude.” I said, giggling.

  “Fair, fair.” Kurt said. “Are you sure about this?”

  “No.” I said. “You owe me forever.”

  “I do, I sure do.” Kurt said, his smirk turning into a bright smile. “I’m gonna see my fucking kid.”

  “You’re gonna raise your fucking kid.”

  “Fuck! This is dope as shit dude!” Kurt’s smile disappeared suddenly and he put his head in his hands. “Man, we have no fucking money! We’re gonna have to cut our weed budget!”