The day the Colonel died was the day we lost the st fast food chain which served food made with actual food.

  Extract from ‘The History of Fast Food’

  Let us start with the Suite, said Titania.

  Sara did as instructed, opening the topmost box and finding what looked like an inhaler for asthma.

  Good. Now, put the nozzle in your mouth, press the button and inhale. It may feel unpleasant, but the sensation will only be temporary and afterwards you’ll feel a lot better.

  “What’s even in this thing?” she asked as she took the object in her hand, watching it suspiciously, even though she knew that there was no reason to be: after all, her AI was there to help her, certainly not hinder her.

  Nanites. Lots and lots of nanites.

  “Feels like nanites are the go to solution for most problems with you lot.”

  Because they are extremely reliable! Especially when it comes to healing wounds of any sort. They’re so small that they can repair damage at a cellur level with extreme precision and without causing any sort of rejection on your body’s part. And they can easily be expelled from your body through your urine. Which reminds me, if you pee is blue or bck or any tonality in between in the next twenty-four hours don’t worry, that’s just the nanites getting out.

  “Eww.”

  Don’t ‘eww’ me, those things are literally going to make sure you stay alive.

  With a sigh Sara did as instructed, putting the nozzle in her mouth and pressing the big red button at the top. With surprising speed the dark almost liquid inside the tank disappeared into her mouth and down her throat, leaving behind only a sensation of greasiness on her tongue. Instinctively she wretched, trying to expel the alien substance from her body, but there was nothing her feeble human muscles could do against the unstoppable force that were microscopic machines.

  For a moment the old adage ‘From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me’ pyed in the back of her mind, but she quickly stopped it as she coughed a few more times for good measure.

  “Should I be feeling anything right now?”

  Not really, no. Although in a matter of minutes you’ll feel better in general. The suite will also help with that not insignificant problem you’ve got going with your spine.

  Sara stopped in her tracks, looking up as if Titania was currently standing over her like some sort of benevolent goddess. The image made her smile, but the gesture wasn’t noticeable since she was already smiling like a loon from what she’s just heard.

  “Really? It’ll fix my hernias?”

  Sure sure, it’s only some out of pce cartiginous discs, it’s not exactly rocket science. Honestly, all of your physical problems could be considered minor inconveniences from the Protectors’ point of view. Except for your missing leg. But we’ve already got a solution for that.

  She opened the box, excitement running through her vines from the perspective of finally, finally, being able to live her life without being in constant agony.

  Then her eyes focused on the item in the second box and she just… stopped to stare. A prosthesis for her leg. She had just lost a leg. She thought, for a moment, that she should’ve felt something, anything, about that, but, in truth, she was just feeling pretty… numb. Maybe it was all the excitement of the st few minutes, maybe it was her brain being fucky in some ways, or maybe she was just a strange person overall. Point was, she hadn’t thought about her leg up until now.

  It all came rushing in though at the sight of the sleek metal prosthesis, trying to overwhelm her… and failing. Because who the fuck cared about a leg when you were a samurai?! Why should she ca–

  Hey! Everything alright? I’m detecting accelerated heartbeat and your hormone levels are rising excessively.

  “Oh no, it’s nothing, don’t worry,” she said, her voice a whisper as she trailed a finger over the steel of her new leg. Hah. New leg. She was getting a new leg. Because the old one had been eaten by an alien.

  Sara… please, can you close your eyes and take a deep breath for me?

  Titania’s tone had become so much… kinder. There was none of the cheerfulness she’d shown so far. She was serious, but not in a patronizing way. No, no no no no no, that’s wrong, she wasn’t merely serious: she was worried.

  And that, more than anything, made her listen to the AI’s words and do as she’d been told.

  She closed her eyes and took a lungful of awful air – she didn’t feel the bad smell particurly this time around, she’d gotten used to it – staring into the darkness of the back of her eyelids.

  Good. Great. You’re doing great Sara! Wonderfully even, for someone in your situation. You did it. You survived against those Antithesis, you killed a lot of them, and now you’re a samurai.

  Yes, yes she had, and yes she was.

  But that’s not the problem, is it? You lost your leg. I can’t say I know how that feels personally, but I do know what other Protector AIs have shared, and I can tell that it’s really affecting you.

  Affecting her? Nah, it isn’t. Everything’s fine! Fine and dandy. Truly!

  Sara, listen to me. It is nothing that cannot be undone. You are a samurai, there are endless ways to regrow you a fresh new limb that’ll probably be even better than the one you lost. If you want we can put that at the top of our ‘to-buy’ list. Do you want that?

  Sara didn’t answer, but she did keep taking deep, calming, breaths.

  In the end she opened her eyes and looked back down first at the stump of her leg, still covered by the ‘alien band-aid’, then at the prosthesis.

  “Thank you, Titania.”

  I’m gd I could help! Ha, and they said I only barely passed the psych support tests!

  “Wait, really?”

  No. We don’t get tests. We’re too good for those.

  That got a chuckle out of Sara.

  “So, how do I put this thing on?”

  Imagine putting a boot on.

  “I never had boots.”

  A shoe will do just fine dear. You simply have to take the big part and apply it to the base of your hip. The prosthesis will do the rest.

  “Can the band aid stay there or do I have to take it off?”

  The Wound Patch can be left there. In the next few hours the nanites inside will degrade it and then bring it to your intestinal tract to be easily expelled, so don’t worry about it.

  She nodded, getting her hands underneath the surprisingly light prosthesis. With its metallic look, she’d half expected it to be heavy. Thinking about it, though, she realized that didn’t make any sense whatsoever: she’d have to use this leg to walk, therefore it couldn’t be heavy. That wouldn’t make any sense.

  Her fingers trembling slightly, she brought the sleek prosthesis up towards her hip, watching in fascination as it attached to the little stump of flesh that had been her leg. She felt a sensation not unlike suction, followed soon after by a brief shock of electricity.

  And then, suddenly, the leg moved, kicking the air.

  “Wha –”

  Don’t worry, that’s an involuntary reaction from your body. These prostheses are crafted with the ability to connect with your nervous system, allowing you to move it as naturally as you would your original body part. It’s as basic as it gets: no armaments, no special defences, it’s not particurly resistant to attacks, but it allows you to walk around without needing months and months of work to get used to it.

  “Oh.”

  Yes, we are superior to you in every way imaginable.

  “Hey, fuck off.”

  I sadly do not possess, nor desire to possess, the organs for that activity.

  Sara sighed, then tried to move her new leg again. This time around it didn’t shoot into the air in an attempt to recreate a move from Karate Kid, instead doing as she had willed it to do.

  The prosthesis, well, it looked exactly like her leg had – not that she’d spent that much time staring at it, but still, the resembnce was there – with the slight muscles from spending so much time walking around visible, as if sculpted into form onto the smooth metal. All in all, it was pretty awesome.

  Now, let’s give it a field test and try to get out of here, shall we? The atmosphere in here is truly horrific.

  She nodded, putting her good leg down on the ground below her and trying to get herself to stand up. Her muscles trembled, her leg good leg nearly giving out below her but, in the end, she managed to rise back to her feet. She’d half expected the new leg to let her down although, on second thought, it was made of steel (maybe, she wasn’t actually sure what metal that was) and the muscles were probably some pneumatic shit or what have you, so the only reason they would ever fail was if she did something to actively fall.

  Good! Very good! Now let’s climb up those stairs dear, and then you can get to enjoy something much less violent in a much nicer pce.

  “Are you trying to encourage me with promises of a good time like I’m some kind of animal?”

  I mean, is it working?

  Damn right it was.

  Slowly, because she thought she had to take things slowly, she began walking up the slick stairs. She noticed, a moment ter, that her new leg had been crafted while taking into consideration the difference in height caused by her sneakers, making sure that she wouldn’t feel unbanced. It was the little things, as they said.

  Halfway up the stairs she began moving faster, more certain with her every step, until she managed to take the st two steps with a slight jog.

  “Hey! I did it!” she complimented herself, a slow smile worming its way onto her lips.

  Congratutions! Now, how would you like your reward?

  “Please stop treating me like a dog.”

  I’m actually more of a cat lover personally, but sure. How would you like something to eat?

  Immediately her stomach growled, reminding her of the fact she hadn’t eaten in way too long.

  “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re in the middle of an incursion here. I don’t think we’ll find many stalls selling food around here.”

  But you’ve got the biggest stall of them all sitting right here in your head!

  “...Pardon?”

  Did you seriously think the Protectors wouldn’t give us the chance to show off our superior cuisine? We’ve got Catalogues for everything my dear, from food to clothes to sex toys –

  “Sex toys? Really?”

  Indeed. I’m told it’s a favorite by most Vanguards.

  Sara decided not to think about it too much. People all over the world saw samurais in many different ways: some as the saviors of humanity, others even as demigods – to the point where religions had started that revolved around venerating the idea of samurais as a whole.

  There was but one unifying factor about how people saw the samurais: they were superior in every way. No matter how crazy or stupid or lovable or anything they could be, they were still better, so when people thought about them they usually forgot that, in a way, they were still humans. Humans with needs.

  Wow.

  She now understood why so many samurais seemed to hate interacting with people.

  “So, what, do I have to spend points of buying myself a new Catalogue for food?”

  Not in this case! The Protectors weren’t keen on, to use an idiom of yours, ‘gatekeep’ such a simple and enjoyable thing as food. Therefore it is a Tier 0 Catalogue that is already unlocked to begin with! So, what would you like to eat today?

  Sara had to stop in wonder: she could just… get food? All the food she wanted? Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, and she wanted to remove them, but her hands were filthy and she didn’t want her eye to rot out of her skull if she touched it with them.

  Although, she probably could’ve easily bought a new eye to take its pce if that happened.

  Shaking her head, she tried to think about something she wanted to eat… and came up with nothing. Now that she had the literal universe at the tips of her fingers, she had absolutely no idea what to get. Was this how people who could spend money at restaurants always looked so indecisive in the videos online?

  Desperately, she scoured her mind for something, anything, that she could eat.

  And then she nded onto one of the few good memories she had of her time at the orphanage: the time when she’d been brought to KFC with a few other kids for her eighth birthday. One of the older kids, Nadia, had snuck them out of the pce and bought her and her best friends at the time chicken wings. She was certain, today, that they’d been one of the most harmful things she’d ever eaten, filled with chemicals of all sorts to enhance the taste and let them keep for as long as they could, but at the time it had been one of the best things she’d ever tasted.

  “Could I get some chicken wings?” she asked, her voice feeble as the memory brought more tears to her eyes.

  Because that girl, Nadia, had been forced to leave a year ter.

  To this day she sometimes allowed herself to wonder what had happened to her.

  Sure! said Titania.

  Then:

  New Purchase: Chicken Wings PortionNew Purchase: Hygienizing Hand TowelPoints reduced to… 6

  Two boxes like the others so far appeared at her feet, sleek and bck and… one of them steaming?

  The box on top has something to clean up your hands. The other one, well, I do hope you’ll enjoy it.

  She did, in fact, enjoy the chicken wings. They were the best things she’d ever tasted in her entire life.