When I was in kindergarten, the kids in my css liked to py a game on the pyground where we had to draw straws and the one with the shortest straw had to do whatever the group said. Even though I pyed the game with them multiple times, I was never the one who was selected, nor were my ideas ever taken seriously. Though they never said it, I could tell I wasn’t wanted. The other kids were tolerant of my presence, but none of them spoke to me outside of the group.

  Because of my mother, and how my cssmates’ parents spoke about her, I was viewed as a bastard, and inherently dirty. The rumor that I was the result of a promiscuous high school gyaru, and how I would be a poor influence on their children, permeated throughout the school. It didn’t take me long to realize that they were all making fun of me behind my back. None of them really wanted me to be around them, and they purposely made sure that I never got selected in the game. At that point, I decided it was better not to try at all.

  Grade school was no different. The friends that I made were the result of proximity and not a genuine interest in who I was. It would’ve been easy to bme my mother for how my peers treated me, but she was perfect in my eyes. Every day I would come home to her smiling face and loving embrace, and all my frustrations immediately disappeared. No matter how hard she worked, or how sleep deprived she was, she was always there for me. Some days I came home in tears because of the disparaging things they said about my mother or I, but she would wipe away my tears and ask why I was upset. She never took offense to the rumors nor did she become defensive about her actions. Instead, she used their words as an example of why it was wrong to judge people without getting to know them.

  Despite only having a high school education, she taught me the most important lessons I ever learned. Even though my cssmates were cruel, and said things that weren’t true, she taught me not to listen to unfounded assertions. The most important lesson my mother taught me, and one that she continuously reminded me for years, was that shing out and retorting would never change their minds. She never allowed their words to bother her because she knew that actions were more important. None of my peers knew how hard she worked or how much she doted on me, and it didn’t matter whether they knew or not. As long as I was happy and healthy, she couldn’t have cared less about rumors. The same was true for everyone else who had rumors spread about them. Even if there was a kernel of truth in them, I still wouldn’t know why they acted that way or if they were really as bad as people perceived them to be.

  She also taught me that a person’s appearance wasn’t a reliable way to judge a person’s heart. The most stoic student could be judgmental and speak poorly about the people that they believed were inferior, but the person who looked different, and was mocked for how they looked, could be the sweetest and most understanding person in the whole css. Since my mother looked like a gyaru, people assumed she was irresponsible and selfish, yet she was the most generous and hardworking person I knew. Therefore, the same could be true of other people whose appearance was associated with some kind of deviant behavior.

  At the time, I didn’t understand what she meant, and perhaps it took meeting someone who fit that description that I understood. These important lessons wouldn’t compare to what I learned not too long after then. Not only did I see my mother betrayed by someone who she trusted, but I saw how love could be blinding and how easy it was to be deceived by the people we trust. What happened to me wasn’t as traumatizing as the walking nightmare of seeing the only person who ever loved me, and who had taught me never to judge people based off their appearance, be abused and hurt by someone she loved. While her lesson was still important, and something that I would continue to believe going forward, it had the unfortunate side effect of me no longer trusting anyone.

  I had seen first-hand how trusting someone enough to lower your guard around them could lead to excruciating pain and fear. A fear that permeated throughout my entire being and darkened my view of the world around me.

  The old saying that “trust is earned, not given” may have been good advice, but I had no clue what it meant to trust someone. While in junior high, I made some close friends that I would have throughout that my time at that school. However, I never trusted them beyond what I deemed was normal. Also around that time, my cssmates began to grow, their hormones ran high, and they became indoctrinated by the media and cultural expectations. It wasn't abnormal for girls at school to fawn over boys and talk about their favorite idols like they were their boyfriends. One could say that the idea of love was in the air, but no one knew what that meant. Except for me.

  The only experience I had with romantic love ended in fear and pain, so I never developed such feelings for another person. They led to weaknesses and vulnerabilities to be exposed, which allowed someone to exploit them for their own gain. The fanciful tales of love at first sight, falling in love with a cssmate you sat next to, or meeting a guy on the train; all of them were lies. None of my cssmates understood what love was, nor what it meant. The happiness they believed they would find, more likely than not, ended in a broken heart.

  By the time I reached high school, it had become a known fact among my peers that I was the weird girl. Not only did I have no interest in idols or celebrities, but I also never showed interest in my cssmates. Romance, and everything that had to do with it, was nothing more that an annoyance. Since I hadn’t inherited my mother’s natural good looks, I never had to deal with confessions or procmations of mispced lust that was misinterpreted as love. On the contrary, people stayed away from me because I was too serious and too cynical. It didn’t take long for me to become an outcast. No one ever explicitly excluded or avoided me, but I was ignored and easily forgotten.

  Being overlooked didn’t bother me, especially since I didn’t want to stand out in the first pce. The fewer people who talked to me, the easier I could go about my life without the idiotic ramblings of uninteresting teenagers. Their insults and judgmental stares no longer bothered me, because I was more concerned about making life easier for the only person I cared about.

  That was how I expected my entire high school career would be like. All of that changed, though, when I met a gyaru who reminded me of my mother to an unsettling degree. Not only was she completely hopeless on her own, but she talked to me like a person and not the css weirdo. Though she liked to act eccentric and gleeful, it became clear to me that she was just as socially awkward and introverted as me.

  While we got along well enough, the thing that allowed my feelings for her to slowly develop was how well she got along with my mother. They spoke like kindred spirits and were closer than any of my previous friends had been with her. Not only that, but she was persistent and wanted to spend as much time together as I would allow. It was the first time since what happened to my mother that I felt the haze clear from my mind, even if it were for just a moment.

  When she confessed her feelings to me, instead of happiness or surprise, I felt an uncomfortable mixture of guilt and dread. She had fallen in love me, yet I couldn’t understand why. Not only that, but I knew that she would be confused when I gave my response, especially because I didn’t want to reject her. However, I had made up my mind, and I couldn’t prolong the inevitable any longer.

  “Sasaki-san, I appreciate your feelings, but I can’t be in that kind of retionship with you right now.” The words left my mouth as if I were on autopilot, and I could feel my eyes begin to well up.

  “I know that, which is why I didn’t want to tell you,” she groaned in frustration as she flopped onto the floor in a heap of disappointment. “You’ve made it clear to me that you don’t want to date someone when you don’t know what the future will be like, and that you’re not interested in me romantically. It’s not like I was expecting you to jump for joy and accept my forced confession. Though, it still freaking sucks to get rejected.”

  Her voice cracked as the reality of the situation sunk in. A few solitary tears ran down her cheeks as she dealt with my rejection as best she could. The whole situation sucked and I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and pretend that night never happened.

  “Look, it’s not because I don’t like you or anything, I just…,” my voice trailed off as I realized that I wasn’t making her feel any better by soullessly apologizing and giving her me excuses. She deserved better than that, but I didn’t know what else I could say.

  “Don’t try to make me feel better; I knew how you felt and I could have not said anything at all. If I’m not the kind of person you like, then that’s just how it is…” Her dismissive words were undermined by her strained voice and intermittent sniffles.

  Watching her cry was too much for me to handle, and I could feel myself losing control of my emotions. The only times I got upset were when people judged me for trying to help Mom, but this was an entirely different situation, and I couldn’t understand why I was so upset.

  “Shut up,” I yelled at her as the dam that held in my emotions finally burst. “Don’t make up excuses for me! I don’t care about how you look or act, so stop saying you’re not someone I could fall for! You don’t know what it’s like to be scared of an feeling! You don’t understand what it’s like to fear love because of how it hurt the only person you care about! How it can be used to manipute someone! I’m not rejecting you because I don’t like you! I’m scared of what love can do to me! I’m scared that I’ll be tricked and hurt! I’m scared of you!”

  “Why!? What have I ever done to make you scared of me!? Please tell me, because I don’t want you to feel that way about me! I would never hurt you or make you cry! Just tell me why!”

  “You don’t get it,” I replied coldly. “I’m not scared that you’ll hurt me emotionally or break my heart; I’m scared that you’ll actually hurt me. No matter what you say or how strongly I feel about you, I can’t forget what was done to my mother and me.”

  “Whatever happened to you in the past must have been abhorrent for you to be effected all these years ter, but I’m not that person. I would absolutely never harm you or make you afraid that I may. I’m not asking you to trust me unconditionally, I just want to be with you,” she decred, taking my hands in hers. “We don’t have to live together if you’re scared of being trapped with me. I don’t need to come over everyday, have a key to your pce, or stay the night. You can do whatever you need to do to feel safe and comfortable, but please let me show you that my love is real and nothing to be scared of.”

  “Just stop,” I croaked and pulled my hands free from her grasp. “How I feel isn’t going to change just because you say things like that. I think it would be best if we spent some time apart. I’m not going to ignore you like before, but I need some time to think.”

  “So… You don’t want to see me anymore,” she asked between sniffs as she fought back tears. “I know you don’t want to be in a retionship, but have you ever thought about how I feel? If you need time to sort out your feelings, I’ll give you that, but I don’t want to lose you forever.”

  A deep mencholy enveloped the normally cheerful gyaru, which only made me feel worse about how things unfolded. She genuinely loved me, and I didn’t doubt that she would do anything to make me comfortable and happy, but I couldn’t overcome my fear of being tricked by false procmations of love. The only recourse I had was to expin why I was so scared of love or walk away and risk never speaking to her again.

  “I’m sorry, but all this love talk has brought back some traumatic memories, and it’s hard for me not to associate you with them,” I attempted to expin as vaguely as I could muster.

  “Is what I said so bad that you can’t even be near me?”

  ”It’s not about what you said,” I attempted to crify. “How you feel about me isn’t what this is about; it’s what happens next that terrifies me. Being friends is one thing, but being in a romantic retionship comes with expectations and a level of trust that I’m not able to give.”

  Sasaki-san sat wiped her tears from her face and attempted to compose herself as best she could. It was like she had given up on trying to understand, or perhaps she believed that it was useless to continue to argue about something so emotional. After taking a few deep breaths, she stood up and stretched her body as if she expected to run a marathon right after getting rejected by her crush.

  “Well, that’s that then,” she broke the tension with an unsettling cheerful tone. “It’s no biggie; I kind of figured it would go this way. Let’s just pretend that tonight never happened and move on.”

  It was obvious that she was holding in her disappointment, and I couldn’t ignore the pain in her eyes. “Do you really think we can go back to how we were after tonight?”

  “It’s better than the alternative, right? Besides, like you said before, who knows what’ll happen in a few months when we graduate. I doubt you’d want to live with me after this, so this may be the only time I have left with you.”

  “Why does it sound like you want that to happen,” I rebutted.

  “Because I know that I’ll want to be with you even more by then than I do now. I wouldn’t want to make your life more difficult by making you deal with my silly emotions.”

  Her dismissive attitude was betrayed by the tears forming in her eyes yet again. No matter how much she wanted to sound like she didn’t care, it was obvious that she was crushed. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her, but it was unavoidable once I knew I had to reject her. Though it didn’t show on my face, I was just as distraught by what happened. Not only had I rejected someone I cared deeply about, but I had to do so over and over again thanks to her constant push backs.

  Worst of all, I had made the girl I loved make such a pathetic face. Even though I knew it was the right decision, I wanted so badly to ignore my instincts and accept her love. In the end, her feelings were just another casualty of the abuse I experienced. It was wrong that a scumbag like him controlled my life even after all the years that passed, but my life was irreversibly altered the moment he entered our lives.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said in a hoarse voice as the gates that held in my tears began to fall apart. “I’m sorry that I’m like this. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I can’t accept your feelings. I just…”

  Unable to restrain myself any longer, I burst into tears. It was difficult to know just what exactly triggered such a response, but the accumution of everything that happened after Sasaki-san’s confession became overwhelming. It was extremely selfish of me to feel sorry for myself when I was the one that caused so much hurt.

  “I’m sorry, Sasaki-san. Every time I think about retionships, I remember my mother being beaten half to death and the look in his eyes as he tried to…” My unhinged emotional state opened me up to sharing more than usually would, but I still couldn’t say what he pnned to do to me out loud.

  “Sayaka-chan…,” Sasaki-san mumbled .

  “She trusted him and he said all the right things, how am I supposed to trust anyone after that? Living with you as a friend would have been bad enough, but to be stuck with someone who says they love me is mortifying.”

  Sasaki-san wrapped her arms around me in a warm, suffocating embrace. Even though I knew she was trying to console me, my body cringed at her overt show of affection. She noticed my subtle movement and tried to hold me tighter, but all that did was make things worse.

  “It’s okay, Sayaka-chan, I promise to never hurt you,” she said in an infuriatingly calm tone.

  “Please let go of me,” I sputtered as I attempted to keep my composure.

  “Just a second longer,” she whispered lovingly, which was the st straw for my already overwhelmed brain.

  “Get off,” I shouted and pushed out her embrace, knocking her to the ground. She fell with a thud and my mind snapped back to reality.

  The realization that I had assaulted and hurt the person I loved was too much for me to take. In addition to breaking her heart, I had also thrown her to the ground in a fit of rage. Knowing what I had done to her affected me more than the memories of my abuser, and regret quickly repced the rage I felt just moments before.

  “Sasaki-san, I’m so sorry,” I pathetically attempted to apologize. “I didn’t mean to hit you, my body just moved on its own.”

  “No, it’s okay, I know you didn’t try to hurt me,” she replied without emotion. “I’m a bit tired anyway, so I think I’ll head to bed…”

  She disappeared into her room and, as soon as I heard the click of the door, I fell to my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks. That night was the worst of my life, and I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry until had no more tears. I knew that our retionship would change when she confessed, but I had no clue that I’d end up ruining everything by shing out at her.

  The longest night of my life ended with my retionship with the person I loved in tatters and falling asleep on the cold floor.

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  Sorry for the long wait, but I had some issues with writers block and these two girls deserve better than half-assed effort. Chapters will be posted intermittently, but I can't guarantee a consistent release schedule at this time. As for the cover art, I repced the AI art of a gyaru with the cover of the physical version I pn to release of this series in the future. Some of you may have noticed that I deleted my other series, and that was because I felt that the quality was cking. I've written a new Isekai/fantasy series and will, hopefully, begin uploading what I have written soon.