The train ride home from the beach was spent in deafening silence. Though our seats were beside each other, the distance between us felt insurmountable. Neither of us knew what to say, or how to address the events of the previous night, but it was clear to me that our retionship was broken.

  Sasaki-san’s eyes were slightly red, which I told myself was from ck of sleep and not because she spent the night crying over my abhorrent response to her confession. She truly deserved better than someone like me, though I still selfishly hoped that she wouldn’t give up on me. Even if I wasn’t brave enough to accept her feelings, nor to profess my own for her, I wanted to believe that she was the kind of person that would wait for me.

  “Hey,” Sasaki-san’s soulless voice sliced through the air, which marked the end of the uncomfortable hour of silence we lived in up till then. “Don’t get it twisted; I’m gonna give you the space you need, but you aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”

  After taking a moment to consider my response, I took a step in what I hoped was the right direction. “...what’s so great about me? I’m really not special, and you deserve to be with someone who can appreciate your feelings.”

  “You never actually said you didn’t like me,” she expertly dodged my question. “Take however long you need, I’ll be fine.”

  The rest of the trip was spent in suffocating silence. Her words were hopeful, but her tone was ft. My retionship with her had taken a turn for the worse, and I didn’t know how to right the course. The only thing I could do was work on myself and hope that she would be patient enough to wait until I was ready to accept her feelings without reservation.

  It wasn’t lost on me that I had become the thing I feared most. Not only had I led her on, even if it was inadvertently, but I also hurt her. Ever since that day, I told myself I would never y hands on the people I love, and yet I did just that. Everything about the night before was painful to think about, and it took all the willpower within me not to cry on the train because I knew Sasaki-san would instinctually try to comfort me.

  Though we lived next door to each other, the distance between us as we walked towards our apartment felt as if we were going to totally different pces. She was far ahead of me, both physically and emotionally, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to catch up to her.

  My world felt like an aquarium; contained, orderly, protected from danger, and trapped. The outside world was an enigma to me, yet I feared it blindly. On the other side of the gss stood Sasaki-san. She was free to go wherever she wanted, unconstrained by a cage, but that didn’t scare her. Though I yearned for that life, it was just out of reach. No matter how many times I reached out my hand, it ran into the walls of my making.

  Sasaki-san was an unreachable goal; someone I simultaneously loved and envied for the freedom she had. Even though we were from different worlds, and had practically opposite personalities, she fell for me all the same. When she reached out to offer me an escape from my solitary existence, I shed out and scurried away from sight into the safely of the reef I had created for myself.

  All I could do was watch as she slowly rescinded her hand once she realized she couldn’t reach me no matter how hard she tried. Somehow, I expected her to stick around to watch me continuously run away whenever she got too close. But inevitably, she would grow tired and find someone who would appreciate her feelings.

  The future of our retionship was uncertain, but we would never be able to go back to what we were before. The hardest part would be taking the first step and addressing the awkwardness between us, but I wasn’t certain if it would matter. With so much uncertainty about the future, and the choices we would have to make individually, perhaps it would have been better to go our own ways.

  My inner ruminations were interrupted by Sasaki-san’s cold voice. “Can you promise me that you’ll at least think about what I said st night?”

  “...yes,” I mumbled solemnly. “I’m really sorry, Sasaki-san.”

  “You have nothing to apologize for,” she stated before disappearing into her apartment.

  The moment I walked through the door, I was enveloped in my mother’s warm embrace. She was practically squealing from her etion, which slightly improved my mencholy.

  “I’m so gd you’re home,” she excimed with a grin pstered on her face. “I missed you so much! Did you have fun? How was living with your crush!? Tell me everything!”

  The moment she took a step back, her face slowly wilted as she noticed the tears dripping down my cheeks. Once again, she held me in her arms, this time to comfort and console me. She gently rubbed my back and hummed softly into my ear, which tore away my cold facade.

  “What the matter, sweetie? You can tell me anything.”

  My hands clenched her tank top as I finally released all my pent-up feelings and cried into my mother’s bosom. Her warmth and love were usually enough to calm me whenever I got upset in the past, but this time was different. Not even her fingers brushing though my hair could distract me from my maise.

  “Sasaki-san...” I croaked as it became difficult to speak. “She... told me that she loves me, and I...”

  Mom could sense what I was trying to say and squeezed me even tighter. “It’s okay, honey. You don’t need to force yourself. Get it all out and then we can talk about it.”

  After what felt like hours, I had no more tears left to shed, and I finally relinquished my hold around Mom. The moment I looked up at her, I saw a tear in her eye and a smirk across her lips. The strange juxtaposition of emotions gave me a welcome distraction from my emotional upheaval.

  “Why don’t you sit down, and I’ll make you some tea,” she said in a soothing voice. “Then you can tell me all about it.”

  The aroma of green tea filled the tiny apartment and eased the st of my on-edge nerves. My mother’s tranquil aura was typically enough to bring me back to a baseline mood, but she understood that she needed to do more than just exist. It was the first time I had ever cried because of how I felt about someone else, so she was treading in unknown territory. Even so, she didn’t appear to be confused or overwhelmed by my uncharacteristic emotions.

  “Alrighty,” she opened as she handed me a cup of tea. “Where do you want to start?”

  “I just... I had decided that I wasn’t going to run away from my feelings for Sasaki-san, but... I’m still scared. Even though I know how I feel about her, and that I want to be with her, I’m scared that I’ll regret it.”

  “I know you’re scared, honey, and it’s totally fine that you feel that way, but what is it that you’re afraid of? We really haven’t talked much about it because you rarely get close to people, so I want to know what it is that scares you.”

  “...what if my feelings blind me to signs that she’s changing? I really don’t understand why she loves me, and maybe one day she’ll realize that she doesn’t actually feel that way. Of course, I’m afraid that she’ll act violently towards me, but the idea of her feelings for me disappearing petrifies me.”

  “That’s totally valid, sweetie, but maybe you don’t actually understand her feelings. Do you know what about you she loves? How can you know how someone feels about you if you never give them the opportunity to expin? And I’m not saying you need to ask her right now, or that you need to start a retionship with her, but it’s unfair to her to make assumptions about her feelings. Now, tell me how you reacted when she confessed. Obviously, something happened that you’re upset about. You wouldn’t be this depressed if you just rejected her.”

  Mom knew me almost too well, so she knew what kind of things that I needed to hear as opposed to the basic things most people would say. Based on my limited knowledge, people would typically sympathize, and console as opposed to inquire about the root of the issue. Mom may not have been highly educated, but she was very emotionally intelligent. Her questions could have been interpreted as rude or dismissive, but I knew that she was only asking them because she wanted to understand me better. Even if it didn’t seem like it in the moment, everything she did was for my benefit. After so many years, I knew that I was the only thing she cared about.

  Despite that, her questions were a bit annoying. Not because I felt like she was on Sasaki-san’s side, but because they pointed out how fwed my thinking was at the time.

  “I told her I couldn’t be in a retionship with her right now, and she tried to push back a bit by asking questions and stuff, and... I accidentally pushed her to the ground when she tried to hug me when I was crying...” I admitted bashfully, ashamed of my immature response.

  “Oh dear,” Mom mumbled to herself before taking a sip of her tea. “That was certainly a suboptimal end to the discussion. Still, knowing her, she probably doesn’t bme you. If anything, she bmes herself for pushing you so far. What made you respond that way? What did you feel at that moment?”

  “Her grip was suffocating; I felt trapped, like I had no control over my body, and I desperately wanted to go escape...”

  Mom groaned and buried her face into her hands. It was a worrying response, but I didn’t know what it meant.

  “Ugh, this is all my fault. If I hadn’t been selfish when you were younger you would’ve been able to accept her feelings without so much fear. I should have gotten you help before now, but I thought you were just handling things your own way. Honey, Sasaki-san truly adores you; you have nothing to fear. She’s not him, and she just wants to be with you. Think about it; when has anyone ever treated you the way she has. Unlike me, you aren’t someone people think they can manipute. She could have chosen anyone, but she fell for you. That must mean something, right? And you love her too, so that must mean you think she’s a good person.”

  “...What can I do? I can’t just ignore my fear and anxiety, but I don’t want to lose her either. Also... With everything so uncertain about the future, I’m scared that it’s not worth it. Or if I do put in the effort and we end up together in some capacity and move in together for college, what if things fall apart and I’m stuck with her.”

  “That’s a whole lot of “what ifs.” No retionship is perfect; you’ll definitely have disagreements and go through your share of struggles, but that doesn’t mean your feelings will change,” Mom rebutted. “You don’t need to make a choice right now, there’s no need to rush into something that makes you uncomfortable, but running away from your feelings won’t make anything better.”

  The warm tea slowly brought life back into my body, as did Mom’s words. It was clear that she and Sasaki-san had discussed her feelings for me in the past, which was strangely comforting. Her advice made sense, yet I wasn’t certain how I would go about implementing it.

  “What should I do then?” I asked. “I’m not ready for that kind of retionship, despite how I feel about her, so what can I even say to her that’ll make things right?

  “Take some time to calm down and think things through. The worst thing you could do is rush into a conversation before you’re ready. Think of the positives of your trip! You got to go to the beach, made some money, saw that cutie in a bikini; you must’ve had a great time!”

  Mom’s ability to seamlessly switch between a serious conversation to asking about the juicy details of my time at the beach was a comforting return to normalcy. She wasn’t the type to be kept down my anything, and I really loved that trait of hers. It was just another of her many good traits that I didn’t inherit, yet somehow Sasaki-san fell in love with me despite my ck of good qualities.

  With only a couple weeks left of summer, I didn’t have time to stress over my retionships because of the upcoming entrance exams that I had to study for. The realization of just how little time I had until graduation began to sink in, and I had a lot more than just Sasaki-san to worry about.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  The first day of csses had finally arrived and I had gone the remainder of summer break without seeing Sasaki-san, let alone speaking with her. Despite having ample time to think seriously about the future and my retionship with her, I had yet to come to a firm decision. However, there were two things that I knew for sure; that I wanted to go to a trade school and that I wanted to be near Sasaki-san wherever I ended up going.

  The moment I walked into the cssroom, I was taken aback by the amount of excitement that permeated throughout the room. The boys were in small groups and talking in hushed voices, while the girls exchanged judgmental gnces and criticized the boys’ behavior. Fortunately, Aoi-chan came over to my desk as soon as I sat down.

  “Did you hear the news,” she asked with an odd smile on her face.

  “What are you talking about? Do you think I listen to rumors?”

  Aoi-chan shook her head in disbelief at my dismissive attitude. “It’s not a rumor. I’m really shocked you don’t know.”

  “Just tell me what’s going on.”

  Before she could, I deduced the cause of the commotion the moment Sasaki-san walked in. The most gring change was her once blond hair was now honey-brown and styled to give it a wavy appearance. Her makeup was more subtle, which made her look more mature, and her overall style was less bright and gaudy. In a few weeks she had gone from a stereotypical blonde gyaru to a stylish, mature beauty.

  “Whoa...” I mumbled mindlessly.

  “She really took your rejection well, huh,” Aoi-chan quipped. “She looks so different that the boys in css seem to have suddenly developed amnesia.”

  “She looks gorgeous... Like a totally different person...”

  “That was probably her goal. If the person she was before was rejected by the person she likes, it makes sense she would want to change.”

  “Wait, you think she did this because of me,” I questioned in disbelief.

  “Uh, yeah. She didn’t change her appearance throughout her time here despite having no friends, but the moment you reject her she gets a makeover. Connect those dots, dummy.”

  “I didn’t reject her because of her appearance, though!”

  Aoi-chan sat on my desk and pyed on her phone in disinterest. “She’s gonna do whatever she can to get you to look her way. Do you think she changed for anyone other than you? It’s so obvious.”

  “Are you sure about that? Because right now every guy in css is hitting on her, which is giving me a murky feeling in my chest...”

  “That’s called jealousy,” Aoi-chan scoffed with a smirk. “You gotta admit, that girl’s pretty damn smart. Not only did she make herself prettier for you, but she’s also making you feel possessive at the same time.”

  “Luckily she sits on the opposite side of the room now,” I groaned. “Ugh, why must she look so pretty when I’m still figuring things out. Doesn’t she know hard this is for me?”

  “No, because you haven’t talked to her in weeks,” Aoi-chan immediately rebutted. “While you were moping around, she was working hard to become someone you would want to be with… Damn. How did you get so lucky?”

  “How do you know she did it for me,” I questioned once again. “For all we know, she did this to boost her confidence after the person she loved turned out to be a disappointment.”

  “Sheesh, you’re so hard on yourself. She hasn’t looked this way once; it’s so obvious that she’s trying to act aloof.”

  Aoi-chan snickered to herself as her eyes met Sasaki-san’s for a split second before Sasaki-san averted them. Though she was my best friend, I wasn’t sure how she could confidently tell me what someone else was thinking. While I could acknowledge it was unlikely, Sasaki-san may have determined that I was a lost cause and moved on.

  “I’m not ready to talk to her yet. I still feel bad about how I handled her confession.”

  “Fair enough, but you shouldn’t wait too long or else someone may try to snatch her away from you,” Aoi-chan advised as she took her seat in the chair in front of me.

  The first day of css commenced and life returned to a sense of mundanity. Summer had been an emotional rollercoaster, so it was refreshing to have a set schedule and limited emotional involvement. Sasaki-san was usually a comfortable distance away from me, so I was able to keep her out of mind.

  However, the moment school ended, Sasaki-san was surrounded by boys who were eager to hit on the girl they ignored for nearly three years. Their sudden interest in her was a perfect encapsution of the teenage boy mindset. The moment a girl did anything to improve their physical appearance, they’d pounce like starving hyenas.

  As Aoi-chan and I walked out of the cssroom, I overheard one of the boys ask if she was single. I knew it was unlikely that she would’ve begun retionship shortly after being rejected, but I couldn’t help but want to know her answer. It was incredibly selfish of me, but I was slowly learning that love wasn’t always fair.

  “I’m not dating anyone right now,” Sasaki-san answered, much to the delight of the boys that lusted over her.

  “Pfft, she actually spoke louder so you could hear,” Aoi-chan chuckled. “It’s only a matter of time before she proposes to you.”

  “I really don’t understand her at all,” I sighed. “She knew I didn’t care about how she looked, so why did she feel the need to change her appearance so dramatically?”

  “Just give in to your urges and suck her tits or something,” Aoi-chan said in a cavalier manner. “What’s the point of denying how you feel when it’s obvious that she’s gonna follow you around like a lost puppy until you stop being so stubborn.”

  “Wha!? Why did you have to say something so lewd,” I excimed in a hushed voice. “My issue has nothing to do with my physical attraction to her!”

  “So, if you found out that you two were going to college near each other, and that she’d be fine living separately, you would have nothing holding you back, right?”

  “You don’t listen, do you? I’m not interested in starting any kind of retionship with her until I’m ready.”

  “Oh, that’s right... So, should I expect the wedding invite within the next ten years,” Aoi-chan snarked.

  “If she gets married, it won’t be to me,” I retorted. “Why would she want to marry someone like me anyway? Dating is one thing, but committing to me for life would be a bit much.”

  “Ugh, you’re infuriatingly dense,” she groaned. “What more do you expect her to do? You asked her to give you space, so it’s not like she’ll defy your request, which should be evidence enough that she cares about you.”

  “It’s not about her proving she cares about me… I’m the one who needs to become someone who can accept her feelings without fear or reservation. She’s never been the problem with our retionship, it’s always been me. Besides, don’t you think her behavior is a bit of a red fg?”

  “You’re a walking red fg yet she’s dead set on being with you,” she retorted. “Y’know, you’re the reason I opened my mind up to her, and I haven’t seen any reason to dislike her. In fact, I’m rooting for her to win you over somehow.”

  “You’re surprisingly fine with her despite how much you loathed her existence not too long ago. Other than me saying I like her, what made you think so positively of her?”

  “You like her so she must be an amazing person, right? You’re a cold and guarded person, so for you to fall for someone, they must be pretty great. Besides, her behavior is adorable in hindsight. Clinging to you, taking care of you when you were sick, studying harder so she can go to the same college as you, taking you on a date disguised as a shopping trip, that beach job she got for you; she’s clearly smitten with you.”

  When Aoi-chan put it like that, I could see how my suspicions about Sasaki-san’s feelings were incredibly silly. Though we had only known each other for a short time, she had changed a lot for me. Perhaps I had been too pessimistic about everything, but I had a hard time overcoming the anxious thoughts and doubts that clouded my mind.

  When I looked back at all we had been through, and all she had done for me, it only made my heart ache more from being separated from her. Spending time with her had become the highlight of my days, and that was suddenly gone and the void she left behind weighed on my emotions. It was my request to have some time alone to think over our retionship, but all I wanted was to talk to her like before. My mind was overwhelmed with thoughts of her, which made it increasingly difficult to think rationally about the future.

  No matter what path I chose to follow, whether that be to pursue further education or to enter the workforce immediately, I wanted to be with her. Instead of thinking of how we could move to different cities, I thought of how far I’d go if it meant staying with her. The anxious thoughts of her hurting me wavered and gave way to thoughts of how I could avoid hurting her in the future.

  Perhaps it was seeing how popur she was with the boys in our css, or maybe it was the time we spent apart that made me think differently about our retionship. While the fears and anxieties about her hurting me would never fully dissipate, the anxiety of losing her forever was crushing. It was as if a rge boulder was on my chest that was slowly suffocating my unmoving body. And that’s exactly what I was; paralyzed.

  Since the beginning of our retionship, she had been the one pursing me, changing for me, doing everything in her ability to be with me, all while I sat back and questioned her sincerity. She made it clear that she would do whatever it took to be with me, yet I was ambivalent and acted as if the future was something I had no control over.

  If protecting my heart from being hurt meant reserving myself to losing the person I loved, then I wanted to change. I needed to change. The person who caused my heart to ache wasn’t Sasaki-san, I was the cause of my hurt. If I wanted to protect myself, and ensure that my heart would never be broken, then I had to hold on to the person who melted the icy walls that surrounded my heart and filled it with warmth.

  Being with Sasaki-san in the future was scary, but imagining a future without Sasaki-san was even more distressing. Her confession had taken me by surprise, but after our time apart, I knew what I needed to do.

  After dinner, I stepped out of the apartment into the warm summer air. The sun was just starting to dip beneath the amber and violet clouds that covered the sky, and the hum of the cicadas acted as a fitting score to match the scene. The soft coos and songs of various birds added a distinct melody that could never be replicated. My lungs filled with air as I took a deep breath, as if I were about to dive into the clear blue sea. A rush of relief passed through me, as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

  A loud percussion rang out and echoed off the concrete walls of the apartment complex. The summer song faded away as time slowed to a crawl. My ears burned as blood rushed to them while my heart pounded in my chest. My mouth suddenly became dry, and a cold sweat began to develop on my lower back.

  The click of the tumblers snapped me back to reality and I quickly regained my composure as the door opened. Sasaki-san looked at me with worry in her eyes, as if she were afraid that I was going to leave her behind. Just seeing her soothed my troubled nerves, and the sound of her voice tugged at my heart strings.

  “What’s up?”

  I took a final deep breath and took the plunge that I had feared for so long.