Spoiler TW: Homophobia, Transphobia

  [colpse]"Yo, Jay! We heading for Ronnie's pce for drinks. Can we get a ride?"

  I looked up from my duffel bag to see Shawn calling for me over by the exit. Some of my co-workers liked to go drinking after a really difficult workday. Since we were going to Ronnie's this time, he has the drinks covered.

  "Yeah, I got ya'll. Just let me make a call and I'll meet ya at the truck."

  "Alright man! I'll get the boys over there!" Shawn left to gather the usual suspects. Our work can get pretty grueling, and it doesn't hurt to blow off some steam every once in a while. I don't drink anymore, so I mostly go along as a sort of chaperone. Besides, I get my fill just off of the vibes alone. I took this chance to call Brianna and let her know where I'd be at.

  "Hey~ I'm at work, babe. What's up?" She answered the phone in a cheery mood, so today must have gone well for her.

  "I know. Just calling to let you know that I'll be hanging with the guys for a bit. I might be home te depending on how long they sit out there."

  "Well, I mean that's fine. Do you think we will still have time for our talk about JJ tonight?"

  Our son was always a bit more timid, more shy, compared to other kids his age, and recently, we were feeling that we were getting worse. When I was growing up, I was a pretty confident kid, so it was a bit hard for me to understand why he's feeling this way sometimes. I've read a few books and listened to some videos on how to build confidence in yourself, but he hasn't really taken to the advice to well. But we really do want to help him, he's our kid.

  "Yeah. We'll still talk tonight. We'll figure this out, okay?"

  "Alright," She sighed. "See you tonight. Bye."

  "See you tonight."

  With that, I ended the call and shot a quick text to Xavier, my longtime friend from a previous job, telling him where we were meeting up. He lives nearby Ronnie's pce, so he could easily meet up with us. I was usually the designated driver, but that was fine with me. Being able to blow off some steam with co-workers was enough for me.

  I met up with a few of the guys as they stood around the back of my truck. I caught the tail end of the conversation they were having as I reached them.

  "-And he had THE NERVE to tell us that he wasn't paying when we got the bill!"

  Ah. I guess this is what we were gonna be compining about when we got to Ronnie's. The man that was yelling into the group of men was Andre. He was the oldest guy in out group and always had something to compin about. Shawn was used to his outbursts, so he stood by quietly, nodding while listening to him go off.

  Cory, on the other hand, looked like he was ready to run for the hills any second now. His eyes darted from Andre to Shawn, then to anywhere else around him as if looking for someone to bail him out. He almost jumped out of his skin when I walked up to him and cpped him on the shoulder.

  "We good to go?" I asked, deciding that these guys probably had enough of Andre's shouting for now. It was going to get worse anyway, he didn't even have a drink in him yet.

  "Hell nah, man! That son of a-!"

  "I think that's enough, Andre! Save it for ter, alright?" Shawn spoke up.

  Andre's nostrils fred in anger. He looked to each of us once, as if challenging us to step up to him. He eventually settled down when he got to Cory and saw freaked out he was.

  "Y-yeah. I guess. Damn, man. I need a drink..." He walked to the other side of the truck as I unlocked it remotely for everyone. While they piled in, I packed my stuff in the trunk. With some hesitation, Cory stepped up beside me.

  "Hey, uh, Mr. Edwards... I just want to say, thank you very much for training me on the job today as well. And for this opportunity too." Cory had the look of a man that had built up all of his avaible courage just to say 'thank you'. I cpped him on the back and directed him to the side of my truck.

  "No problem, man. It's all part of the job. We're all in this together. And we work better at a team, so it's better that you know how to do things correctly the first time."

  Cory gave me a shy smile. "Yeah... Okay. But really, thanks."

  It was Cory's second day on the job. The first day, he was mostly a nervous wreck. He made a bunch of mistakes and pissed of some of the other workers. Every time he did, he would apologize profusely and take care not to repeat them again. He's only been here for two days, but I could tell that he was gonna be one of the hardest workers eventually.

  Honestly, he reminds me of my son, So I felt like I had to watch over him. They shared the same awkwardness. People would constantly walk over Cory and his response was always apologize, never to stick up for himself. Like he didn't value himself at all. Like he didn't care. The memory of JJ, standing in front of the mirror during our little self-esteem exercise, fshed through my mind. Him clearly struggling to find something positive to say about himself.

  The ride over to Ronnie's was mostly quiet, and when we pulled up, He was already sitting outside his front door. He greeted everyone heartily as we got out of the truck. I introduced him to Cory, who he happily accepted, and ughed his ass of when he saw how livid Andre was already getting.

  "Wassup' Jay! Today must have been pretty crazy, huh?" He chuckled. Ronnie used to work with us about a year ago. He quit when he got his own business off of the ground, so he can choose when he works. Since he's free on some days, he offers to provide the drinks, and in return, we rattle off any of the bullshit that happens to us at work. I think he really enjoys when Andre goes on one of his rants. Speaking of Andre...

  "So this stupid muthafucka' Miller, right? He's all like 'So sorry about that mistake with the schedule, fels. As thanks for covering for me, let me treat you guys to dinner.' He says to us."

  We all huddled around the old unused fire pit Ronnie had setup in the back, sitting in the wn chairs that he had provided for us. We started with Ronnie going into detail about how one of our managers had screwed him and a couple of other guys over after they covered his ass for a mistake he made st week. I know better than to trust this guy with anything, so I didn't go to this dinner he was talking about. I had already heard this from Ronnie today, so he was dramatically recounting the story for everyone else.

  "So we meet up at the restaurant, right? And we start ordering food and digging in, right? Tell. Me. Why. When the bill comes to the table, he tells us that he's not paying for us!? He takes one look at the bill, pays for his portion. and he leaves!" Andre shouts.

  "Boy, ain't no way!" Ronnie yells. He's obviously enjoying the story, having a ughing fit every time Andre gets to a crucial point. Shawn winces a few times as he listens in and Cory kind of shrinks in on himself the louder Andre gets. It just annoys me, partially because of having to listen to the same story again.

  "Man, whose doing all that yelling? Tch, of course it's Andre's loud ass."

  "Man, fuck you!"

  "Yooo! X-man!" Everyone else called out. Xavier finally showed up. He pulled a chair up and sat between me and Cory.

  "Hey, everybody. Wassup! Young man." He nodded to Cory, sticking out a hand.

  "H-hey! Hi, um, yeah." Cory stuttered out. With hesitation, he reached out and took Xavier's hand in his. With an almost practiced movement, Cory weakly shook it.

  "Hm. Nice to meet you." He said, nodding to him. He turned to the center of the group. "Now, what are we talking about?"

  "Xavier! Listen to this bullshit, man..."

  "Auugh! Come on!" We groaned as Andre heatedly retold the story. Again. This time with interjections from Xavier.

  "Man, fuck him! See if I ever help his sorry ass again! Shit, he'll have to get on his hands and knees and come crawling to me begging!" After taking a few long gulps from his can of beer, Andre leaned back in his seat and whipped out his phone. He seemed to calm down after being able to yell his stress out to us. Well, this is what these meet ups are for.

  There was a bit of chatter after that. Ronnie tried to rile up Andre again for entertainment, but he wasn't really into it. He was more absorbed in scrolling through his phone. Cory was happy just to listen in on Shawn and Xavier talk about how the week was going between them. The conversation picked up when Shawn mentioned his son, Malik.

  "Y'know. He told me that he wants to, uh..." Shawn started to flounder, covering his mouth with one hand, as if battling with himself about whether to talk about this or not.

  “He told me that he wants to sing now.” He finally said. That caught everyone off guard. Me, Ronnie and Andre looked from Shawn to Xavier, waiting on a reaction of some sort from him. Cory seemed to buckle up from the tension.

  “Oh, Okay.” Xavier just... nodded.

  And that was it. His answer was so concise that it had us all knocked for a loop. Shawn squirmed a bit uncomfortably in his chair, gncing quickly to me, then at Ronnie and Andre.

  "He, uh, wants to join the school choir." Shawn looked down, as if ashamed to say this in front of Xavier. I could get where he was coming from. X is, after all, the coach of the football team Malik is on. Shame, he was on his way to being a really good quarterback in the future too...

  "Okay. I get'cha," was all X said. No hesitation, with seemingly no thought put into it at all. Everyone was stunned as he casually took a sip from his cup of soda.

  "Really? That's it?" Shawn asked, like he was expecting X to get mad as well.

  "Yeah? That's it, man. If that's what he wants to do, then let him." Xavier looked Shawn straight in the eyes as he answered, then taking another sip. Shawn wasn't sure if he understood what X had said fully and looked to us as if maybe we could transte for him. Ronnie tried to subtly flick his wrist towards him, urging Shawn to press him further.

  "X, I was hoping that you would talk some sense into him. I've been trying for weeks now and it's still not getting through to him. Make him understand how important this is for him, you know what i'm sayin'?" The attention flicked back to Xavier.

  "I mean, what do you want me to do exactly? It sounds like he's already figured it out for himself."

  That was not the response Shawn was hoping for. He breathed a sigh of frustration. It was becoming clear that Xavier wasn't going to do anything about this.

  "So what are you going to do about the team?" I asked him. Being the team coach was something X is really passionate about. How was he going to handle losing such an essential pyer?

  "C'mon, Jay! There's so many other guys on the team that would jump at the chance to py. We would have no problem filling the spot. And it's not like he can't come back if he doesn't like singing. Tell him 'the doors always open'." Xavier said with a smile. Well, that's not what the other guys wanted to hear.

  "Maaan, fuck al that! Shawn, just make him do it." Andre shouted. "You're the man of the house. You make the rules, and what you say, goes. Tell him that he's not singing a goddamn thing and that's final!" With a ctter of his chair, he leaned back, satisfied with his advice.

  "What's up with you, man?" Ronnie asked, jutting his chin towards Xavier. He held his hands up defensively.

  "Look. I just don't think forcing you kids to do something they really don't want to do is a good look. Let them figure it out themself. That's all I'm saying. And if they are making a mistake, well, then we can talk it out."

  "But I already tried talking and he still wouldn't listen!"

  "Okay?! And why is that bad? Ask yourself this; Why exactly does it bother me so much? Why does it matter to me what my son decides to do with his time?"

  "Damnit, you know why it bothers me!" Shawn shouts.

  "Ay! rex! We're here to rex, remember?" I called out over the group. The attention was all on me, until someone noticed that Cory had tried his damnedest to sink as deep as he could into his own seat, eyes wide.

  "Tch! Look Shawn, here's what you're actually gonna do..." Andre dismissed our side of the fire pit with a flick of his hand, then went to stand with Ronnie and Shawn further away. X watched them silently as Andre's voice began to rise, hyping himself up into a rage again. Ronnie stood by, nodding and agreeing with him as he jabbed a finger into Shawn’s chest.

  "So, how's the kids?"

  Like X didn't just rile up half of the group into a frenzy, he turned to me and asked a question as he drank from his cup.

  I turned to Cory, wondering if he was seeing the knowing grin that X was giving me. He seemed to be distracted, watching the other guy's shout and push each other on the opposite side of the yard. He was obviously unnerved by it.

  "Well?"

  Whatever. X doesn't want to talk about it, then I'm not gonna worry about it either.

  "Maya's doing great," I told him. "She's still into that whole 'cospy' thing. The stuff she makes always looks good. And Brianna told me that she made some new friends too. Haven't seen them yet though."

  Maya is an absolute joy to be around. She just radiates an aura that seemed to attract all kinds of people to her. Friendly, approachable. She doesn't tell me too much about how her school life is, her being in her rebellious teen phase and all, but I always assumed she would be pretty popur. If only we could get her to do something else besides all of the cospy stuff. Like... Ah.

  I turned to X after expining all of this to him, wondering how he'd take this news.

  "Y'know... Maya finally joined a club at school?"

  "Oh really?" He asked. "What club did she decide was worth her time?"

  "The debate club, apparently." I hid my smile behind my cup, pretending to take a drink, as X's face twisted in astonishment. I know he felt the same as I did, that Maya joining a club like that was really unfitting for someone like her. He eventually shook off the confusion with a shake of his head.

  "Oookay... I mean, if that's what she wants to do?"

  "Oh, come on, man." Even I was getting annoyed at how strangely he seemed to be acting. "You and I both know how weird that is for her. Doesn't match her personality at all." X held up both hands, even the cup, in defense of himself.

  "Look, I can think that all I want! But that doesn't matter. If that's what she wants to do, then..." He shrugged. "Why does it matter what I think? Better yet, why does it matter what you think? You always told her that she should do something while she's in school, right?"

  I shook my head, mostly in annoyance. Yeah, we did want her to do something in school, X was right about that. That's why it was so easy for X to piss off the other guys. You can disagree with what he says, but you couldn't hate him for it.

  "Yeah... I guess." We both took a drink from our cups as we watched Andre show something on his phone to Shawn. He suddenly jerked his head away from the phone as if disgusted by what he saw. Ronnie peeked over his shoulder, then let out a gut busting ugh that clearly had pissed of Andre. He started yelling something about 'Malik's future' and getting up in Shawn's face again. He nodded his as he listened to Andre's shouting.

  "Lord, I do not want to have to deal with all of this bullshit today."

  "You? I'm the one that has to drive their goofy asses home after this." We ugh, which seems to unnerve Cory, seeing how lightly we are taking the situation.

  "And? How's Lil' Jay?"

  I had to stop myself from flinching, I caught a glimpse of Xavier's knowing face.

  "That bad, huh?" He asked.

  JJ... It's like him and Maya are total opposites. Where Maya is very outgoing and adventurous, JJ is very reserved. He's afraid to try new things and doesn't deal with confrontation well. Lately, it feels like he's regressing even more.

  "I don't know, man... Not sure what's wrong with the kid. I want to help him out. Help him be the confident kid I know he can be."

  "C'mon, Jay..." X said, shaking his head as if to chastise me. "You're telling me there's nothing, nothing you know about why your son won't talk to you?"

  I sighed as I stared into my cup and started running through my memories. When the school called Brianna while she was at work, talking about an incident where a few other kids had been 'joking around' with him. This had driven him to tears in the middle of the cssroom. We had told him that while we could understand the bullying wasn't okay, crying in front of them didn't help anything.

  Or when he had stopped going outside because of an altercation he had with a few kids from the neighborhood. I told him that he needs to stand up for himself, or people will just walk all over him. I'm pretty sure that he had decided to not go outside instead of having to deal with them again. Each time I had given him advice; he seemed to let it go in one ear and out the other.

  A memory from even further back came to me and I cringed. For all the times I told JJ to stick up for himself and to never back down, I had only seen him do it once. And it was to me.

  It had honestly shocked me; how ferocious his stare was. He had turned to me with conviction and had gred at me with so much anger. Like he was silently challenging me, daring me to tell him what to do, waiting for me to have the audacity to even talk to him. At that moment, it felt like he would never forgive me. So, I didn't say anything. I let him cool down for a bit.

  It really did shock me. That the first time my son would stand up for himself, from what I had seen, would be to me. Thinking back to that moment made my stomach twist in guilt. The thought that he must have seen me as more threatening than anyone else at that point, that he felt the need to push back at me. Someone who he's supposed to feel safe around. But I was only trying to look out for him. I didn't want him to be a-

  Okay?! And why is that bad? Ask yourself this; why exactly does it bother me so much? Why does it matter to me what my son decides to do with his time?

  Xavier's words rang out in my mind. I wondered what he would have to say if he knew exactly what JJ had told me that day. He wouldn't say the same thing if he heard that, right? Would he give me the same advice, even though it was more extreme than Shawn's predicament?

  "Ay." X snapped his fingers near my face. "You been staring off into space for a minute. Whatcha thinkin' about man?"

  I peered over to the guys finally calming down on the other side of the yard, then quickly checked on Cory rexing in the wn chair. With hesitation, I leaned over and said to Xavier.

  "You remember a few years ago, when I brought JJ with me to your football practice..."

  X narrowed his eyes, probably trying to bring up the specific day. "Ah, yeah... Of course I remember that. When you embarrassed JJ in front of the entire park, right?"

  The look on JJ's face as he started to cry. When I got mad and... screamed at him. All activity in the park ceasing and JJ shuddering back from me, tears fully streaming down his face now. Fuck. I already felt wrong, even though I hadn't made a single point yet.

  "Look, I haven't done that since you talked to me about it that day, okay? I'd like to think I'm better now..."

  "Uh huh..." He scoffed.

  "Anyway," I said, trying to move on from this awkwardness. I leaned closer to him as I started to speak. "Well, it was because JJ told me that he wanted to be... a girl." And I waited for a response from him, some kind of shock or surprise. He did observe our surroundings though, looking at the other guys as they returned to the circle. He tapped me on the shoulder, jutting his chin to the side. With that, I stood up and followed after him as he walked over to a corner of the yard.

  I soon realized that we probably shouldn't have left Cory alone. Andre had strutted over him, showing him something on his phone, but Cory didn't shy away from it like Shawn did. After he scrolled through it, Cory gave a shrug of his shoulders, like he was wondering what he was seeing. Andre just snatched the phone back from him.

  "So, what did you do?" He finally asked me, eyes still on the group in front of us. And, man... I don't know how X was doing it, but I felt like I was walking into a trap.

  "Well... I thought about toughening him up. That's why I brought him down to the field-" X held up a hand and cut me off.

  "Jay... C'mon, man. I was there. I know that part. What did you do after that?

  Nothing. I didn't do anything. I tried to ignore it. We tried to ignore it. To sweep it under the rug and hope that we could move past it. So I told him that.

  "Mhm. So let me get this straight... Your kid tells you something that could be pretty life changing, so you thought that the proper response was to yell at him, force him to do something he clearly doesn't like, take 'em to a public pce to yell at 'em some more, then tell them to forget about it? And you're asking me what's wrong with my kid?"

  I let loose a sigh of frustration, mostly at myself.

  "C'mon, man. You don't think that's strange? At least a little? He said he wants to be a girl for god's sake!"

  "And why does it matter what I think? You're his father. When he told you this, did you find out why? Did you talk to him? Did you ask for help? You're gonna tell me that you weren't the least bit curious?"

  Goddamnit.

  Truth is... I didn't try. I just heard something I didn't like and tried to fix it in my own way.

  "Listen," X sighed out, pcing a hand on my shoulder. "You don't think this wanting to be a girl thing has something to do with how he is now? You should really talk to your kid about this. I mean, before it's too te. You don't want that resentment to build up and let it get to a point where trying to fix this, to understand it, isn't an option anymore."

  The moment he said that, I remembered how JJ would go silent when I walked in the room sometimes. How he would lock up when I addressed him directly. The way he stuttered over his words when we talked. The stare he gave me that day. Defying me. Challenging me. He hated everything that day. He hated me.

  Is it too te?

  "Besides, he's not gonna be around you forever, right? They say college is a real freeing experience. And you won't be around to tell him 'no'. Once he gets a taste of freedom, well...?"

  "Well... What?" I asked him. He shrugged his shoulders, making that face where the answer should be obvious.

  "I mean... He'll be an adult. He'll be able to make big boy decisions. And you-" He pointed a finger at me. "Aren't needed for that."

  "Boy, I'll tell you right now." A hand cpped me on the shoulder from beside me and both me and X jumped. Andre had somehow slid right up to the side of me without either of us noticing.

  "If you want to get your son the right track, better do it now." He said, shoving his phone into my hands. "I didn't. Was to rexed. Wasn't involved enough. Now look at what happened to mine."

  I looked down at the phone in my hand and saw why Shawn had probably shied away from it earlier.

  celebrating my Ten-Year Anniversary with my husband @DwayneLawerance!

  Under that was a picture of two men, both in tuxedos, kissing under an altar. One of them looked very simir to Andre if he was twenty years younger.

  Why the hell was he showing me this?

  "This is my son," Andre said, pointing a finger at the phone. "He came to me one day, talking about 'I'm gay'." X winced next to me and blew out a pained breath. With how Andre acts, we both knew that this didn't end well for the kid. X took the phone from me and began scrolling through the feed.

  "So what did you do?" I asked him. Cory seemed to squirm in his seat when I gnced over Andre's shoulder to see Shawn walking up as well.

  "Me? I told him straight up. My son is not gay. Told him I'm not having that shit in My house." Andre took a swig from his can of beer.

  "Then I caught him with that guy in. My. House!" He roared. Everyone tensed up at that moment. Cory gripped the arms of his chair, ready to bolt at any moment and I leaned away from him. X shook his head in disappointment I guess, as he continued to scroll.

  "So, I threw his ass out on the street. Told him to get the fuck out."

  X finally looked up from the phone, already knowing the outcome of this story. Shawn and I stared in disbelief.

  "That's a little too far, ain't it?" I said with a nervous chuckle.

  "Too far? I gave him a chance. Told him what he was gonna do. My son. Is not. Gay. Then he goes behind my back, trying to hide his little 'retionship'. That's why..." Andre jabbed a finger square in the middle of my chest.

  "Whatever your son is going through, you nip it in the bud now." He gnced between me and Shawn. "Before they ruin their lives." The tension in my chest loosened a little. It seemed like Andre only caught the tail end of our conversation, and didn't know all of the details. Just that JJ was struggling with something.

  "I don't know, man. Seems a little extreme..." Shawn said nervously. He clearly didn't like where this conversation was going and Andre took their chance to try and convince him further.

  A tap on my shoulder. X handed the phone back to me, miming with his finger to 'keep scrolling'.

  "'Ruined his life', he says."

  With that I begin scrolling. There were posts from years ago.

  Proposed to my boyfriend @DwayneLawrence. He said yes!

  An artistically taken photo of a man on one knee proposing to another.

  Spending Father's Day with my father-in-w. The dad I never had!

  A man smiled, arm wrapped around an older gentleman.

  We've adopted! Meet our daughter Mikay!

  A happy couple cuddling a baby girl.

  This is ruining his life? He looked... Happy. Genuinely happy.

  I scrolled even further that that to even older photos. Andre was standing with his son, both of them stone faced as they stared into the camera. It was like night and day. Andre seemed to be the one thing in his son's life keeping him from being happy. I imagined the same photo instead with me and JJ. I would be smiling, hand around JJ's shoulder, but I couldn't say the same for him. I immediately saw the dour expression on his face. The slumped shoulders. The uncertainty. I imagined him leaning away from me...

  "-Don't let them be weak! You understand?! You have to correct it now before it's too te!" Andre drunkenly yelled. He looked between me and Shawn, expecting a response. Neither of us said anything, with Shawn avoiding meeting Andre's eyes entirely.

  "Well... Okay. I tried to tell ya..." Then he gave up. He grabbed his phone from me and slightly wobbled his way over to the cooler for another beer.

  "Shit~ I know if my son was gay, I'd beat his fuckin’ ass," Ronnie ughed "Not in my house. Ain't that right, Andre?"

  X and I made our way back over to our chairs after things seemed to calm down. Ronnie was still trying to talk with Andre, but I think all of the beers were finally hitting him. Shawn stood off to the side, staring out over the field. Cory... Seemed to be staring daggers at Andre and Ronnie.

  "You all right?" I asked him. Cory was startled for a second, but he went right back to staring.

  "I don't know... People like them," he said, with barely a whisper. "I don't like."

  Wow. To get that kind of hostility from him...

  "You got any ideas?" Xavier asked me. He cracked open another can of soda and drained it into his cup.

  "I'm still... thinking." I told him. No matter what, Andre throwing his kid out on the street was insane. And I didn't know anything about why JJ wanted to be a girl. I just brushed it under the rug and tried to forget about it. But what do I do about it? A few moments of silence passed between us, with X saying something first.

  "Well... Just a reminder about one of your possible outcomes." He whispered.

  Xavier lifted the cup to his lips, and at the same time jutted his pinky finger over to a spot across from us. Confused by this, I followed the direction he was pointing back to Andre. He looked like a completely different person. The alcohol was clearly taking effect now, as the yelling and aggressive man he was a few minutes ago was gone. He appeared to slump over in his seat, head hanging down and the can of beer in hand. He slowly swiped through the photos on his phone. I had never seen a man look as if he had lost everything and also try to act like he didn't care. And now he was alone. And his kid is happier for it.

  HenshinTetsuya