Spoiler TW: Gender Dysphoria

  [colpse]"Why do you have these?"

  Maya had returned from the closet with a pstic bag in hand. With overwhelming enthusiasm, she id out a few of the clothes onto her bed and stepped back. There were some shirts for girls and a few skirts, shorts, and pants. The thing is, they were way too small for her. As a matter of fact, they looked 'me' sized, specifically.

  "What do you mean?" She asked, smile still on her face.

  What do I mean?

  I looked at the clothes again. They were definitely picked up at a thrift store, but they were still in decent enough shape to be worn right away. Almost new, actually. So, why-

  "I was gonna use 'em for scraps, extra fabric, y'know stuff like that." She picked up a pin looking bck skirt, pinching it by the edges with both hands and showing it off to me. "But you can have these if you want."

  My eyes went wide as Maya pced the skirt in my hands. To be honest, it wasn't anything special. But just by thinking it was mine...

  "Thanks..." I whispered as I held it close to me. I looked down at the bck, pleated skirt in my hands and watched as it shook a bit when I held it up to my face.

  "we'll keep them in my room, and you can wear 'em whenever you come over to hang out.

  Wait. I can come back?

  "Yeah. Okay." I nodded.

  "Great! Sounds like a pn. So, like I was saying before, what do you want to start with?"

  I looked down at the skirt in my hands and the clothes spread out on the bed.

  "Can I start with these?" I asked her.

  "Sure. Whatever you want. Do you need me to step out while you change?"

  Just from her question alone I felt my discomfort build. I... never liked being 'seen'. The before and after of gym css was particurly difficult. It always felt like people were watching me whenever I had to change. And if was possible that no one really was,but that didn't stop the discomfort. So I either had to change with everyone else or wear my gym uniform under my clothes. And people really were watching me when they noticed that.

  "I'll... change alone." I muttered.

  "Cool. That's fine. I'll be right outside the door if you need anything." Maya said. She didn't seem offended that I wanted privacy. That's good. She stepped out of the room and closed the door.

  "Let me know when your ready!" Her muffled voice cried out.

  I was alone. Turning to the full length mirror hanging in front of Maya's closey, I slowly moved the skirt to it was yered over my waist. My eyes scanned over the 'me' in the mirror. I realized that in order for me to properly wear it, I would need to change out to my pants. The silly image of me, standing in front of the mirror wearing the skirt, and my boxers comically sticking out of the bottom convinced me.

  Maybe ter...

  I y the skirt gently back on the bed and picked up a white, long-sleeved shirt with a colorful design of a flower on it.

  I think I can start with this.

  I still held it up in the mirror anyway. Now fully satisfied, I pulled my shirt over my head, leaving me standing in a white under shirt.

  As careful as I could be, I put on my new shirt and stretched my arms all the way through the sleeves. Huh. The shirt was actually too big. The hem went way beyond my waist and the sleeves covered was past my finger tips. But I kinda liked it that way. I fpped my hands up and down while looking in the mirror, smiling the whole time. While I was having fun, I caught the look on my face in that moment, and while I think I was having fun, I had to be honest with myself.

  I... don't really feel like I am truly a girl right now.

  My shoulders slumped as I continued to take in the image of myself standing in front of the mirror. I told myself that I am a girl, but all I saw was a boy in a shirt that he had no business wearing. I imagined Julia standing next to me, confidence seeming to roll off of her in waves. She performed that same spin she had done earlier and posed, showing off an amazing smile. I couldn't help but see her as the real girl, the goal, and me-

  "Renee! You alright?" Maya called as she knocked on the door. She sounded worried. How long had I been standing in front of the mirror?

  "I'm coming in, alright?"

  the doorknob spun and clicked open slowly. And I panicked. Maya knew what I was doing. Heck, she had set this all up for me. But my brain, my thoughts, were screaming at me that what I was doing was wrong. That it was foolish of me to be standing here, trying on girls clothes. For want to be a girl. And so my body reacted. My eyes darted to and fro, looking for a way out of a room with only one exit.

  The door swung fully open. With my heart beating a mile a minute, I froze, like a deer caught in the headlights. Maya paused for a moment, and then-

  "Looks good! But... Hmm.." She put a hand to her chin as she scanned over me. "Shirts too big." She said simply.

  Maya walked up and put her arms around me. I was startled by her sudden movement; I thought she was trying to hug me. Her arms encircled my head, and I felt her fingers reach into the colr of my new shirt and rumble around for the little tag.

  "Hmm." Maya studied the tag thoroughly and then picked up my old shirt and read that tag too. She peered up at the ceiling, muttering a few words under her breath, like 'measurements...' and 'close enough..' before turning back to me.

  "Yeah, that's the thing about women's clothes, the sizes can vary wildly, even if it's supposed to- Hey, what's wrong?"

  Maya finally got a a good look at me, noticing the distress on my face.

  "I don't look like a girl..." I mumbled with a pout. Maya stood there with a dumbfounded look, then threw her hands up in the air.

  "Girl! We literally just started!" She chuckled. Well, I didn't see what was so funny. I blew out a frustrated breath as my shoulders slumped even further. A second ter, I found myself in Maya's embrace again.

  "Oh my god, don't give me that." She said, squeezing me harder. "I mean, didn't Ju- Uh." Maya cut herself off suddenly I could tell that she was trying to find the right words to say. She had pinched her lips together to hold her words back, and her darted around in the air for a moment.

  "Listen, we are just getting started, okay? Julia was the same. She didn't suddenly materialize from nowhere as a girl, y'know? She put in major work to get where she is now."

  "I know..." I mumbled out. Julia had told me this already and I figured that it would be difficult. I guess... I saw her as the goal, as what I could be. So to have what I want standing next to what I am seeing in the mirror right now. It was demoralizing. Oh god. How long would this take?! If I could only do this when I was with Maya, and when we both were avaible? How often would that be? How long would that take?!

  "Hey!" Maya had snapped her fingers right in front of my face. Startled, I looked up into Maya's eyes as she pced her hands on my shoulders. "You have got to stop doing that. Enough dooming. We're just getting started and we'll figure the rest out as we go, got it?"

  Maya looked... annoyed. I averted my eyes, feeling guilty that I was wasting her time with this. Maya let loose a sigh, looking over to her desk that held all of her makeup and accessories.

  "Y'know, mom used to tell me that I was too young for makeup all of the time when I was your age." With a mischievous smile, she grabbed my shoulders and directed my towards the desk. She forced me down onto the chair in front of it and then stood to the left of me.

  "But imma be real, I didn't really follow that rule too much. Now..."

  Maya's brows furrowed as she began to focus. She went quiet and started to poke and rub at my face. I was getting annoyed, and when she held two fingers up to my eyeshes, I tried to push her away. She immediately swatted my hand back down.

  "Don't do that. I'm working."

  "What are you-"

  "Shh!" Maya held a finger to her mouth and shushed me! She went on to my hair next, pinching a few strands and pulling it as far as it would go without hurting me. She hummed a quick confirmation, releasing it and watching my hair instantly snap back into the curly mess on my head. Next, she tried running a hand through it. Her fingers snagged on a few of the curls almost immediately.

  I averted my eyes from the mirror as Maya looked up into it. I felt my ears burn with embarrassment, anticipating the question I wish she wouldn't ask.

  "When was the st time you picked through your hair?"

  Well...

  I quickly ran through my usual morning routine. And I couldn't remember when I had st done that. When I woke up I usually only did the bare minimum to get ready for school. Always wear something presentable. Make sure I don't smell bad. Anything I could do to not be an obvious target. But when it came to my hair... I don't know. I just didn't look in the mirror, so I didn't care. Mom or dad would force me to comb through it if it got to unruly, and dad would take me for a haircut when he thought I needed it. To be honest... I don't think I cared until now.

  "Hmmm?"

  Maya leaned over my shoulder, staring at my face.

  "Hunh? Oh, yeah. Like, two days ago. I think..." My voice trailed off. Maya rose an eyebrow at my obvious lie but didn't bother me about it any more.

  "Hm. Well, here's what I was thinking..."

  Maya moved over to the wigs that sat on those little mannequin heads. She had three of them now, and she moved each over to me one by one. A curly, blonde wig. The dark, blue wig that she had worn today. And then one I didn't recognize at first because it was brand new, but I instantly knew what it was for. I pointed towards that one in particur.

  "Patisserie Green?"

  Maya smiled brightly as she nodded.

  "Yup! My next cospy. She's my favorite of the Patisserie girls." She said as she ran her fingers through the long, brown ponytail.

  "I was thinking about letting you try on one of these. Do any of them jump out at you?"

  I looked at the wigs. I liked them fine enough. They were clean and well maintained but... I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how I would look in them.

  The blue wig... Maybe? I think I liked short hair... Don't really care for the blond wig. The long ponytail? Hmmm... Nah.

  "Don't like 'em?" Maya asked with a worried look.

  "What? No! I do! It's just... I can't really see myself in any of these. I still think they are cool, just not on me..."

  "Hmm..." Maya rubbed at her chin while she thought. "It wasn't going to be anything permanent. I only wanted you to try them on. But-"

  With an energetic twist, Maya hopped on the spot and reached for a side drawer on the desk. I watched her rummage around in it for a second, before she pulled out what she was looking for.

  "Ta-Da!" Maya held something up to the light, and I had to squint in order to figure it out. A metal hair pick y in one of her hands, showing it off to me like she had discovered something truly amazing. Then she turned to me with a completely serious look on her face. I groaned. Maya rolled her eyes.

  "Don't give me that... This was gonna happen either way. Look!" Maya pulled up a picture she had taken of her friends. It was a selfie of herself and Tanisha, with Leon standing awkwardly in the background. She zoomed in to put the focus on Tanisha.

  "Here's what I was thinking. See Tanisha's hair. That could be cute... What do you think?"

  I didn't even need to see a picture of her to know what hair style Maya was suggesting. Because Tanisha's hair was always the same. A big, puffy afro and a different hair band every day depending on what she was wearing.

  "I... like it. But I don't think I have a lot of hair to even do that."

  "That's. What this. Is for!" Maya pyfully tapped the pick a top my head. I frowned and pushed her hand away again, but I did like this idea.

  "Can you... not make it hurt?" I asked sheepishly.

  "Child..." Maya cpped a hand on my shoulder. "It's gonna hurt specifically because you don't comb through it. But..."

  She looked back over the desk and looked at a basket that was full of bottles. Maya 'hmm'ed to herself as her finger scanned over the basket. She finally stopped and picked up a white bottle with a pink cap and lettering. turning to me with a smile, Maya shook the bottle a bit, then suddenly frowned.

  "Ah. Wait a second..." One side of the cap popped up as Maya put pressure on it. Turning it upside down, she squeezed out a dollop of pink creme into her palm. She looked at it suspiciously, and then sniffed.

  "Nah. Can't use this one." Maya tossed the bottle back into the basket. She looked at the cream sitting in her hand, shrugged, and smoothed it into her own hair. Then she went back to digging through the basket.

  "What was the point of all that?!" I asked her in bewilderment.

  "Hmm? Oh. That was my favorite hair cream. Mom introduced it to me years ago. It's really good for curly hair like yours. Makes it very easy to detangle."

  "Okay... and why aren't we using it?"

  Maya looked back to me and held up the hand that smeared the cream into her hair. Her hand wasn't even half way to my face before the heavy perfume smell hit my nose. I liked the smell. It was nice, but...

  Ah. I understand."

  "Yeah... that's why we're gonna use this!" Maya pulled out a small jar of brown cream next. She wasted no time after that, dipping her fingers into it and thering the cream into my hair.

  "Ow. Ow... OW! I spent the next few minutes in pain as Maya pulled the comb through my hair. I jumped every time she went to pick at it, but she just used it as an opportunity to scold me.

  "See. This is what I mean. Just try to bear with it for now. It'll get better soon." After a while, my hair puffed out a lot more than I expected it to. Maya's comb began to glide easily in my hair as she sculpted it into a small, shapely afro. She patted it in a few pces as she hummed to herself and when she felt satisfied, reached into the same drawer with the comb and pulled out some hair bands.

  "And... Bam!" Maya slipped a green one onto me. It pushed my hair back a bit more, revealing more of my forehead.

  "Hmm... What do you think?" She said, pointing a finger into the mirror. "Do you like what you see?"

  I turned my head back and forth, admiring Maya's handiwork. I... like it. A lot. It wasn't very big, especially compared to Tanisha's, but-

  "Ahh... look at you, smiling like that!"

  I barely even realized that I was grinning into the mirror like a fool. A genuine, happy smile that when I noticed it was coming from me, uselessly tried to fight against it. Which was very difficult, because the joy I was feeling warred with my need to not show how embarrassed I was in front of my sister.

  "Too te!" Maya wrapped an arm around my shoulder, showing me a picture she had taken of me on her phone. I can't believe I didn't notice she had done that while I stared into the mirror with such a cheesy grin.

  "Delete that!" I tried to swipe at her phone. But she quickly danced away, holding it high in the air.

  "Hey! I'm not done yet! I'll do it afterward."

  Not done...?

  The next few minutes passed by in confusion. Maya's hands fshed across the desk as she grabbed and expined a bunch of different products.

  "Use this on your face after you wash it. You can have that and the hair cream, just keep it in the bathroom. Here, after I put this on your lips, rub them together to spread the gloss around evenly."

  While Maya was rattling off tips and instructions, she suddenly cupped my chin with one hand. I lurched backward when she held something that looked like a bck pencil up to my eye.

  "Wait! What are you doing? What is that?" I yelped.

  Maya rolled her eyes and held the pencil up to me.

  "This-" She said, waving it back and forth. "Is an eye liner pencil. Now stay still."

  I tried my hardest to do as she said while she held my face still. I felt Maya 'drawing' around my eyes and she let out a sigh of relief when she finished.

  "Okay. Last thing on the list for now."

  Maya took out a small bck bottle and unscrewed the top, pulling out a small brush along with it. She dipped the brush into the bottle a few more times and then moved it towards my eye. Again.

  "Rex. It's for your eyeshes. Hold still."

  She began to lightly brush at my eyeshes, pulling them up with each stroke. After giving each side a few swipes, Maya jumped up from her spot. She seemed pleased with herself.

  "Alright. You can take a look in the mirror now. Didn't want to go too crazy with the makeup. Don't know what you would like personally, but that is what this is for. What do you think now?"

  Maya swiveled the chair I was sitting in around to face the mirror again. And I saw the 'me' that I wanted to be. Her eyes were a hazel brown, something that she got from her father, but the round shape of her face, her eyes, mouth, and nose were definitely closer to her mother. She flitted her half-hooded eyes in surprise, long eyeshes batting up and down. She reached up and touched her face, finding it was really smooth now. Her fingers slid down her face to her mouth that seemed to shine in the light.

  It was then that I noticed the girl was smiling. A real smile, unlike the ones that I would put on to tell people that I was 'okay', even though I wasn't. She was happy, you could tell by how her smile was all teeth, how deep her dimples went. she was even swinging her feet a lot, unable to contain the energy anymore.

  "Oooooh~ I think she likes it~!" I turned. Maya snapped a picture of me in that moment.

  "Come on. Don't give me that look. This is and important moment that you'll want to remember forever. See?"

  Maya handed her phone over to me and tapped on a photo. There was a lot of them. A bunch of them were from different angles but they all caught the image of the happy girl.

  "So, Renee..." She said, hugging me from behind. "What do you think? This is just the basics, but we can always do more whenever we got the time, okay?"

  I'm not even sure I needed to say anything. My answer was clearly pstered all over my face, but I still gave her an approving nod. Now that I could actually see Maya's results clearly, I wanted to do more. I racked my brain for all of the things I had wanted to do over the years. All of the things that I told myself I would never be able to do. That I wasn't allowed to. My eyes wandered over to the skirt still ying on the bed.

  Maya was still preoccupied with taking pictures of her handiwork, when we heard the familiar rumbling of an engine charging up out driveway. The beam from the headlights fshed over the window to Maya's room. The light dimmed and the engine cut out. Then all we heard was a door to a truck smming shut.

  I faced foreward, looking at myself in the mirror. My heart began to beat faster and faster as I stared at the makeup on my face. The hairband on my head. The shirt I was wearing.

  "W-woah! Slow down!" Maya yelled.

  I panicked, jumping up from the chair and rushing to pull the shirt over my head.

  "I gotta go! I have to- to change! And this stuff on my face!" After I threw the shirt away and flung the hairband off, I took both hands and tried to rub the makeup off.

  "Stop, stop, stop! Maya grabbed at both of my hands and forced me back into the chair. With one hand, she reached over to a little bag of wet wipes.

  "Don't freak out like that. It's only going to make our situation worse. Hold still..." With a firm but slow, methodical movement, she cleaned one side of my face. While she worked, we heard the sound of the front door swinging open and someone cmbering inside loudly.

  "I'm home! Anybody here?"

  Dad!

  "Can you hurry up?!"

  "Don't rush me." Maya whispered. She began to wipe the other side of my face as dad stomped down the hallway.

  "Jerome?" He called out. I heard him walk towards my room and open the door. I stared up at Maya, hoping I could somehow will her to go faster. She seemed unnerved, humming to herself quietly as she threw away the used wet wipe and reached for another. Even as dad stomped his way down to her door, she remained undisturbed. Only when he called out 'Maya?' did she turn and scowl at the door.

  "Yeah?" Was all she said. Like it was just a little bump in the road for her, Maya went back to cleaning my face.

  "Oh. Your here. Where's everybody else?" Dad asked.

  "Mom is out with Aunt Gigi right now." Dad went quiet for a few seconds, as if expecting to hear something else.

  "And JJ? Where is he?"

  "Dunno. Did you check the bathroom?"

  Again, he went quiet. A moment ter, we heard his footsteps as he walked to the bathroom. During that whole conversation, Maya never stopped moving her hands. Even while dad knocked on the bathroom door and called for me again, she simply threw away the st wipe and then patted my face dry with a nearby towel.

  "Okay. I'm going out there. Get ready to come out when we move, got it?"

  Maya tossed my old shirt to me as she moved to the door. She listened for dad to knock on the bathroom door as he called for me again, before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her. I heard dad open the bathroom door after waiting a few seconds, and then silence.

  "Did you look in the kitchen?"

  After a moment where neither said anything, dad turned back around and marched off down the hall, Maya's footsteps following after him. Their voices becoming more muffled as they leave. Realizing that I was in the clear, I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. Before even trying to leave Maya's room, I listened for their voices. I think they're in the living room now?

  Haaah... Okay.

  I carefully opened the door and closed it behind me, slowly walking over to the voices. Maya saw me leave her room and quickly redirected the conversation.

  "Did you look in your room? Maya asked. She was still trying to distract dad. And it was working. At that question, he held a hand to his chin.

  "Hmm... I probably should have looked there after going to your room, huh? Honestly, I'm starting to get worried- Oh hey! There he is!"

  Dad and I nearly walked into each other. I had frozen up at the sight of him and he had thrown his arms out in surprise when he saw me.

  "Where you been at, man? Didn't you hear me calling for you?"

  "I was... sleeping."

  Disbelief. Dad tilted his head as if trying to solve a particurly difficult math problem. He squinted his eyes at me. Judging me.

  He knows.

  He knows. He knows-

  Dad shrugged.

  "Well, I don't know why you were sleeping in our room, but now that I got everybody's attention..."

  Dad swept his arms to both sides and picked me up in one swift motion. A hug. It was a hug. From dad. It wasn't unusual, dad liked to give hugs out like it's candy. But this one was different for some reason.

  "Rrraauggh!" Dad grunted as he lifted me up off the ground and waved me about. It was so sudden that I couldn't even give any type of response. He stopped shaking me and looked at me with sincerity.

  "I'm proud of you, son." He told me.

  I felt strange. On one hand I felt... wronged. Because y'know... the 'son' thing. But on the other, It really felt that dad was being genuine. For what reason though? What brought this on?

  Dad set me down and ruffled my hair. He frowned.

  "Hm. Might be time for a haircut." I wanted to sigh. To protest and tell him that I didn't want to. And I saw that Maya was about to say something on my behalf. We both stopped when dad turned to Maya.

  "No."

  Too te.

  Dad was already on his way over. Like he did with me, dad hoisted Maya up and shook her around.

  "Ugh. Daaad! I'm too old to be picked up-! Aauugh..."

  Maya gave up almost instantly, going limp and filing backwards in his arms. He barked a hearty ugh as he set her back down. We both looked at each other, equally confused.

  What is up with him?!

  HenshinTetsuya