AnnouncementContent warningPlease read the content warning before proceeding.
SpoilerSlurs, transphobia, internalized transmisandry, misogyny, suicidal ideations, sexual content
[colpse]sixteen
[13 august 2024]=-=[tuesday]=-=(0932)
Kelly sips her coffee and looks over some of the records that her mercenaries in Russia managed to liberate from Jason Levin’s compound after his death. They’re nowhere near as robust as Roderick’s were, but there are still insights into what he was doing there. Apparently that old, converted church and sanitarium was always one of his main areas for his “craft.” She gags. There are plenty of things that deserve the respect of being called a “craft,” and what he was doing to these boys, and in a few rare cases, girls, was not it in her eyes, nor the eyes of common decency.
The five people she’s currently helping to get the care they need are all mentioned. Where Levin’s information was light on the identities of his buyers and sellers, they were full of information about just what he was turning them into, and some of it turned her stomach.
Subject former name: Patrick, Garrett. Current name: TBD by client. End goal: Client wants “a teenage Taylor Swift” for his own sexual gratification. Full transformation, with obedience training. Singing ability not required.
Subject former name: Sylvester, Bke. Current name: Levin, Cecelia Mary. End goal: Personal project. Create duplicate of estranged daughter for personal use once Tiffany is given away to the mole in the Jourgensen operation.
Subject former name: Lysenko, Oleg. Current name: None required. End goal: Dollification. This one will admittedly be a challenge since he will still need to be fed and watered. Full transformation, complete bnking of the mind desired by client.
Subject former name: Bernard, Pierre. Current name: Amélie. End goal: Shemale French maid. Full mental transformation, removal of gonads. Genitals requested to be otherwise left intact by client.
Kelly feels disgusted as she reads Amélie’s entry, that casual use of such a hurtful slur. She knows she would kill someone if they ever called Joy or Morgan that.
Subject former name: Fields, Evan. Current name: Levin, Tiffany Zelda. End goal: Personal project. Complete physical and mental duplicate of disobedient, willful daughter who will obey her father as a proper Christian woman should. Update: To be married off to the mole in the Jourgensen operation.
Kelly shuts the tablet off that she was using to view the records. “I need something stronger…” she ments. “I should send for some vodka.”
“Mom, no,” Joy says as she walks in with Zell. “You’re not supposed to drink. It’s bad for your liver.”
“I think liver problems will be the st of my concerns at this rate,” Kelly ments. “Some of this shit is… it’s beyond sickening. I don’t know what’s worse – that it’s real, or if it were fake, that someone is sick enough to imagine this.”
“How bad is it?” Zell asks, regretting it as soon as ae’s done saying the words.
“It’s bad,” Kelly says. “His records indicate that he did this to nearly 450 kids in his lifetime. God only knows how many of them are still alive, considering 100 of them went to Roderick alone… we have names now, at least, so we can try to find and free the ones that are left.”
Zell feels sick now. Ae walks over to the garbage can and vomits. Aer father had to have been doing this aer entire life, if not longer!
Then ae has an even more disturbing thought. What if I’m not actually his child? What if… what if I was originally someone else, and he conditioned me to believe I was his? “I… I need to sit down,” ae says. “This has got me rethinking a lot of things…”
“What’s wrong, hon?” Joy asks.
“I don’t know who I am anymore… what if I’m one of the people that he did this to, and I only believe I was his child?” Zell says as ae starts to detach from reality. Considering how much Jason liked to gaslight the women in his life, it’s within the realm of possibility that…
“I didn’t see you in his records,” Kelly says. “The only person in there with your former name as either a before or after is Evan. As far as I can tell, you’re really his child, like it or not, not one of the people who had a new identity forced upon them.”
“Would it matter anyway?” Joy asks. “What matters is now, that you’re Zell, the person I love and the person who loves me.” She kisses aer on the cheek.
“...Thanks, sweetie,” Zell says, as ae regains aer grip on things. “You always know how to bring me back to reality.”
“I wouldn’t be good wife material if I didn’t,” Joy says with a smile.
“I already said we’re not rushing toward that,” Zell says.
On the one hand, Kelly is happy to see her child starting to flourish again, even though she’s still unable to overcome the compulsion to wear those damned lolita dresses. On the other… she never imagined she’d hear the person who was once her son call herself “wife material.”
--={@~~~@}=--
(1001)
Evan is walking back from the mess hall with a pte of food. He’s still trying to dress masculine, and not doing well at it, mostly because his body is no longer the right shape for it. He sighs. Amélie made breakfast for the former boys this morning. I still don’t get how she’s handling this so well. Did he brainwash her or something? No boy can be that happy as a girl.
As he turns the corner toward the guest rooms, he runs into Jeri and nearly drops his food. He looks her over. Bke was right… he thinks. Jeri is dressed like a normal young adult woman, in a crop top and tight jeans. Her hair is brushed out and has been teased into waves. She isn’t hyper feminine like he was once forced to be… but she’s still unmistakably feminine. “I’m sorry, Garrett…” he says to her.
“I should have been watching where I was going… and it’s Jeri now,” she says in reply. “I’ve decided to just live as a girl since I’ve been turned into one.”
“How?” Evan asks. “I don’t get how you and Bke can just be so accepting of this after all that’s been done to you. I cried over it a few nights ago and I still don’t understand.”
“Well… I was never really a guy’s guy when I was still a guy,” Jeri says. “Being gay didn’t help… no… I honestly can’t even say that. I wanted to be with guys, but honestly, I didn’t want to be with a guy as a guy, if that makes any sense. Morgan seems to think this was always coming for me, whether I was transformed or not, and looking back, I think she might be right.”
“...So, you’re trans?” Evan asks. No wonder she’s so okay with this, if she was actually a girl all along and didn’t realize it.
“I guess so?” Jeri says as she puts a word to it. “I mean, I wasn’t dysphoric or anything as a guy, it just… I didn’t feel it, you know? This? This, I feel.”
“I see… I don’t get it, but I can kind of see how it fits for you. Me, I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell,” Evan says. “I mean, I loved being a guy. I was popur, I was on the football team… I wasn’t the quarterback, but I could still get damn near any girl I wanted, I had my whole fucking life ahead of me, and now… now… now I’m just a facsimile of a woman. The life I was pnning for is over before it even started. I’ll never be a husband or a father…” He starts crying. “At least if I was a real woman, I could look forward to being a mom, but no, I can’t have that either… I’m just some sterile thing with no future, no legacy, no…”
Jeri reaches over and wraps Evan up in a hug. “Evan, you’re doomspiraling…”
“Why shouldn’t I be doomspiraling?!” Evan says, crying loudly as tears stream from his eyes. “Everything ends with me. It won’t matter if I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, I’ll die with no mark left on the world, no legacy left behind. The only reminder that I existed will be a tombstone with a fake name on it.”
“Do you honestly think that little of yourself, that you don’t think you’ll have ever mattered without children?” Jeri asks. “It’s what we do in life that matters. Maybe it only matters to one other person, but if it matters to someone, then part of us continues on. You matter to us. You’ll still find that one person that you matter more to than life itself.”
“I’ll never be able to satisfy her, though…” Evan ments.
“...Way to erase lesbians,” Jeri says, looking just a little annoyed. “You don’t need a dick to make an impact on a girl.”
“But…” Evan starts to protest.
“I mean it,” Jeri says, firmly. “A dick is not so important that the merest contact with it changes a woman forever.”
“I didn’t mean it like…” Evan continues.
“Then what did you mean?” Jeri asks.
Evan breaks down. “I don’t know how to be a man in this body, okay?! I’m not like you, or Bke, or even Amélie… I’m a guy, I can’t just be a girl like the rest of you…”
“Oh God… Evan, that’s dysphoria,” Jeri says. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to be so hard on you. I thought you were just being toxic, but… this is really hurting you.”
“...What?” Evan asks, now totally confused. “What’s dysphoria?”
“It’s the opposite of euphoria,” Jeri says. “It’s when something makes you feel like utter shit, that someone decided to step on, then piss on, then someone sets fire to that pile of shit just to really make it hurt. Many trans people feel a variant called gender dysphoria, when being their assigned gender is specifically what causes that feeling. That’s you right now. It’s almost like you’re... trans... now.” Then Jeri remembers what was said earlier about trying to change back.
“When it comes to body parts, it’s easier to dig a hole than to build a pole,” as Morgan so eloquently said during the pne trip. It’s an outmoded saying, but it still holds true to a degree. While trans feminine genital reconstructive surgeries have improved in quality and function by leaps and bounds just over the past couple of decades, the equivalent surgeries for trans men are very far behind. Part of it is just anatomical limitations at this current time. And actual trans men can get some limited penile sensations from testosterone increasing the size and changing the sensation of the clitoris.
Since Evan’s clitoris is surgically constructed, he couldn’t get those benefits even with testosterone. So, he’s in his own special type of Hell – the options typically avaible to trans men just don’t exist for him. He can do hormones and chest reconstruction, but he can never go any farther.
And he already tried “just being a girl” when he gave up and became Tiffany before his rescue. Between that and the repeated rapes, girlhood was forever ruined for him as an option.
Jeri shakes her head for a moment, then just reaches and hugs Evan. “I’m so sorry…”
Evan just continues to cry. “I don’t want your pity…”
“It’s not pity,” Jeri says. “I’m legitimately worried about you. I’ve lost friends before who were talking like you. Come on.” She grabs Evan’s hand and starts to walk.
“...But my food…” Evan weakly protests.
“Eat on the way,” Jeri says. “We need to talk to the people in charge around here. You need help, now.”
Jeri takes Evan to one of the elevators and hits the buttons for the surface. Nothing. She looks at the panel and sees a slot for a keycard. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” She hits another button, this one for sub-basement one. That one works.
As the elevator gets to the right floor, the two step out and nearly run into a slightly rger, more muscur woman with short hair, wearing a sundress. “Uhm…” Jeri says. “I’m sorry, we’re trying to find the people in charge…”
“Oh,” the woman says, in a much more pleasant tone than Jeri or Evan expects. “Miss Kelly isn’t to be disturbed as she’s in the middle of private time with her daughter and her partner, but I can bring you to Mistress…”
“Um… sure?” Jeri says, confused. Didn’t Morgan also say something about a Mistress?
The woman escorts the two to a security room and knocks, and another rger-built woman soon answers. “Yes, Delih?”
Delih curtsies. “Forgive me, Mistress, these two girls…”
“I’m not a girl…” Evan says weakly as he’s consoled by Jeri.
“...My apologies. These two needed to speak with you,” Delih continues.
“I see. Go back to your training, Delih. I’ll handle this,” Danni says.
Delih curtsies again and leaves, heading in the direction of the re-education center.
“What do you two need?” Danni asks, being surprisingly pleasant despite projecting a bit of an aura that has Jeri and Evan thinking that she will pop their heads off if they ask the wrong question.
“Evan can’t do this anymore,” Jeri says. “This entire situation has him suffering some of the worst dysphoria I’ve ever seen, and I’m worried if he doesn’t get help… he’ll…”
“Shit,” Danni says. Unlike Jeri, she’s experienced intense dysphoria first-hand. Before transitioning, she spent quite a few nights looking over her service pistol, contempting if that would be the night to end her own suffering. Jeri doesn’t have to say it; she can see it in Evan’s eyes.
He’s not going to make it unless something is done fast.
Danni taps her earwig. “Miss Kelly? Yes, I know you didn’t want to be disturbed, but we have an emergency. One of the rescues isn’t going to make it. Okay, we’ll wait at the security room.”
“I’m just sad, it’s not like…” Evan says.
“Don’t, kid,” Danni says. “You don’t need to prove to me how much of a man you are by trying to hide your emotions. I’ve been there and done that. You’re in more delicate emotional shape than you realize, and we didn’t rescue you just to have you killing yourself. We’re going to nip this in the bud now.”
Kelly, Joy, and Zell arrive just a few moments ter. “Which one of them is in distress?”
Jeri points to Evan. “He is. He won’t make it as a girl. His gender identity is just too rigid, and he was abused like a girl by Levin, and…”
To Zell, the conversation kinds of fades into the background as ae sees in Evan an unwilling twin who is, like aer, failing to thrive as “Tiffany.”
Ae interrupts the conversation. “You… you look like me,” ae says.
Evan blinks. “You? You’re Tiffany?”
Zell sighs softly. “I was. But I haven’t been her for years.”
“Your father… he…” Evan starts crying again. “He… he abused… mutited, beat, spped... raped me until I became you… I can’t…” He starts to completely break down. “I can’t… I can’t be you, I can’t be me, I… I’m no one...”
Kelly pulls an injector pen from one of her jacket pockets and immediately jabs Evan with it.
Jeri strains to hold Evan up as he loses consciousness. “What did you…”
“It’s a short-term sedative, mixed with a milder tranquilizer so that when he does wake up, he’ll hopefully be less panicked.” Kelly says. “He was completely breaking down. His identity was breaking down there. I see what you mean. He does need to be helped. I’ll see about getting him a surgeon for a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction, and I’ll get him a therapist. We’ll get the estrogen pellet out of him and put him on testosterone. Joy, can you lead them down to the infirmary so Evan can rest?”
“Yes, Mom,” Joy says. “Come with me, please…”
Zell looks shaken as ae remains with Danni and Kelly. “...I did this… I ran away and he… he was so dead set on having me, he created another one…”
“I have a second pen,” Kelly says. “I’d rather not use it. Breathe, okay? None of this is your fault, Zell. We all know whose it is, and he’s burning in Hell for it now.”
Zell takes a couple of deep breaths as Danni holds aer by the shoulders. “I’m trying, I…
“We can’t turn him all the way back,” Danni says. “The surgeries just aren’t there yet. Do you think he could survive as effectively half a trans man?”
“I don’t know, but we have to try everything we can,” Kelly says. “That bastard’s not getting a W from beyond the grave.”
“We’re eventually going to have simir issues with Oleg, you realize…” Danni states. “He’s in a simir boat. We can’t turn him all the way back or even go as far as a trans man would be able to go.”
“We have to hope he’s in better psychological shape. I’ll talk with the doctor that’s been helping him,” Kelly says.
--={@~~~@}=--
(1817)
Evan wakes up in a hospital bed, with both Jeri and Bke waiting for him to wake up. “...What hit me?”
“Mrs. Jourgensen did, with a sedative,” Jeri says. “You were freaking out badly once you saw Zell.”
“It’s hard to deal with when you’re seeing your namesake…” Evan says softly as he looks away from the two. “I really can’t be anything.”
Bke walks over. “Jeri told me everything. I legit had no idea you were in this much pain. I didn’t know how hard all this was on you.”
Jeri just nods. “Mrs. Jourgensen says you’re getting the estrogen pellet removed and going on testosterone. She’s hoping that restoring your hormonal bance will help your mental health. You’re also going to be getting your breasts removed as soon as she can find a surgeon.”
Evan looks away from the two. “And then what? Live out my life as a mutited woman?”
Bke scowls a little. “Dude, that… that’s kind of transphobic.”
Jeri sighs. “Cut him a little sck, Bke… it is transphobic, but right now I wouldn’t go calling him out for every single microaggression, especially against himself.”
“Why?” Evan asks. “Because I’m a fragile little flower who can’t have her feelings hurt? I’m never going to be a man again no matter what they do. I might as well find a husband and turn my brain off while he fucks me senseless, maybe that’ll fix me.”
Now it’s Jeri’s turn to frown in disapproval. “That’s enough. You’re still a man, so what if your body can’t get back all the way there?”
“You’ve got to stop catastrophizing, sib,” Bke says.
“I’m not your sibling, Bke, we’re just surgically altered to look like twins…” Evan spits. “I can’t help but see what I hate about myself when I look at you.”
“That hurts…” Bke says softly. “I hope you start feeling better once you start the hormone shots, but until then, I’m out. I can’t take this.” She turns around and leaves the area, and then the infirmary.
Jeri gres at Evan. “God damn it, Evan… were you trying to hurt her feelings?”
“No?” Evan says. “I… I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t have a life worth living ahead of me. I want to die. I just want to be done with it all. Maybe Morgan will kill me, it’s not like she feels anything when she does it…”
Jeri snaps, quickly stomping over as she sps Evan in the face. “THAT was fucking uncalled for!!!” she excims as that statement lights a fire under her she didn’t know was there. “I’ve killed before!!! It is NOT fucking easy!!! You have NO idea how much we agonize over it!”
“I…” Evan says, starting to cry. “I didn’t…” The sp and subsequent reading of the Riot Act has seemed to knock him out of his depressive spiral for the moment.
“I get that you’re fucking dysphoric as hell and depressed, I’ve been calm about you verbally shitting on yourself, and I understand you’re even a bit suicidal, but that does not excuse you when you start being an inconsiderate asshole to and about others!” Jeri spits. “Are we fucking clear on this?”
“I’m sorry…” Evan says as tears stream from his eyes. He turns over in the bed and buries his face in the pillow. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” he just repeats, his voice getting quieter each time.
Jeri takes a deep breath. “They’re going to find a way to fix you somehow, Evan. Just hold on. And don’t attack the rest of us while we’re trying to help you.”
Evan is almost silently repeating apologies into his pillow at this point.
--={@~~~@}=--
(2005)
Jeri continues to shake as she reflects on what she just had to do to Evan. “God… I’ve never felt violent like this…” She’s walking through the corridors, looking for Morgan’s room. She eventually does find it, but as she gets ready to knock, she hears coital noises. Sounds like… sounds like this isn’t a great time to interrupt. But…
“Oh my God, harder, Mistress, please!” is heard from Morgan through the door. “That’s it, Raina… that’s the spot, keep going…"
“What the actual fuck?” Jeri asks herself. Whatever. This is important. She knocks, but as she does, the door opens partway and… and what she sees would scar most people for life. Morgan is being held up by a chain attached to handcuffs around her wrists, while Raina is performing oral on her and Danni is pounding her in the ass with a massive strap-on.
“Ah… uhm… I can expin?” Morgan says, embarrassed beyond measure.
“Did you forget to lock the door, little girl?” Danni asks, facepalming, as she withdraws the strap.
“Morgan! You didn’t!” Raina cries. She’s as naked as Morgan is. Only Danni is still clothed.
“Fuck,” Morgan says.
“Not anymore tonight,” Danni says with a sigh as she unlocks the cuffs and Morgan falls to the floor. “I need to go train Delih in firearms anyway.” She unbuckles the strap from herself and lets it fall to the floor next to Morgan. “I’ll pick that up ter. Clean it up ter tonight. Remember, it’s tex.”
“Yes, Mistress,” Morgan says with a sigh as Raina runs off to go cover her ample shame. “Can you get me some clothes?!” she calls after Raina.
No response.
“...Honestly, I saw worse at Levin’s…” Jeri says, also facepalming. “Can we talk? It’s about Evan.”
“What about him?” Morgan asks as she walks over to her bed and grabs a bnket to cover herself.
“I don’t think he’s going to make it,” Jeri says, worriedly. “He wants to die. He actually hoped at one point that you’d kill him.”
“No. I’m not going to be anyone’s suicide method,” Morgan says, solemnly, as she rifles through her dresser for clothing. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be helping with as far as this goes, though.”
“I don’t know either… he mentioned that, said how you wouldn’t feel anything over it, and I just snapped and spped him,” Jeri says. “It fucking hurt. I’m still agonizing over killing that mercenary.”
“...It’s never easy to kill, no matter how I make it look,” Morgan says as she finds a strip of cloth and starts wrapping it around her chest, like a sarashi. “I agonize, too. I still see each of their faces. I still smell each one’s blood in the air. Just because I can push that down and complete the mission doesn’t mean I feel nothing. I’m still human after everything I’ve endured and done.” She finds a pair of shorts in a undry basket, sniffs at it, then puts them on. It’s better than nothing, she figures.
“Gross…” Jeri says, a little squicked out by how Morgan selected the shorts.
“They’re clean,” Morgan protests. “I go high femme for work.” A sports bra and cargos are most certainly not high femme, but that’s beside the point right now. “I’m allowed to be a bit of a slob when I’m off the clock.”
“I guess…” Jeri says, crossing her arms nervously. “I still don’t know…”
“Look. Miss Kelly and Mistress are already doing what they can for him,” Morgan says, putting a hand on Jeri’s shoulder. “Let’s face it, though. He’s been through a metric shitload. He’s had his identity stolen from him and been forced to become someone else. He’s lost his sex. He’s had his virginity stolen from him in an organ that, in his mind, he shouldn’t have, by a man he was being forced to treat as his father. He’s been told he can’t go all the way back. He’s lost everything that he thinks make him a person. He’s lost hope. Not everyone can adapt to that and come out the other side as functional people. You, me, Raina? We’re exceptions to the rule. Most of them turn out like Joy and Oleg were. Or they don’t make it at all. That’s not your fault. The worst death any of us can see is the one we’re powerless to intervene with, to stop.”
“He can’t… we can’t just give up on him, right?” Jeri asks, pleading.
“We’re not, but in the end, he has to be the one who finds the will to live,” Morgan says as she hugs Jeri. “We can’t do it for him. I know you probably wanted a different, better answer, but I don’t have one to give you, hon.”
Jeri cries in Morgan’s arms. She’s right, she thinks. This hurts far worse than taking the life of that merc. I don’t want him to die… I can't watch him slip away. I can't let him fall apart.
