Life in the village was surprisingly… mundane.

  You’d think an alien wasteland, sitting in the middle of an alien desert, forgotten by the universe itself, would be peak weirdness.

  But nope. It was… peaceful.

  People got up early. Worked their jobs. Took care of their young.

  I turned to Chama-Fish, hands on my hips like I was about to file a customer complaint.

  "Chama-Fish, oh cosmic sage, enlighten me. What’s the grand reason you dragged me all the way out here?"

  He flared his aura and hit me with a six-thumb gesture.

  I flinched. I still didn’t trust that move.

  From what little I could pick up, though…

  He seemed… lonely.

  Like I was the first outsider he’d ever really connected with. And apparently, he had something big to show me.

  But not yet. It had to wait for a specific date. What date? No clue. Probably something cosmic and terrifying, knowing my luck. Maybe a planetary alignment. Or a ritual blood moon.

  Or, hell, "Bring Your Human to Work Day".

  Chama-Fish led me to a small house on the edge of town.

  Well, "small".

  It was at least three times bigger than the glorified mud hut I'd built back in the wasteland.

  It had a living room, what looked like a kitchen, and...

  A bathroom.

  Progress, right?

  I stepped inside to check it out, and that's when I saw it.

  There was a toilet. Yes, an actual toilet.

  ...

  Shaped like a giant phallus.

  I stood there, staring. Blinking.

  How... how did they even...

  You know what? No. Let's not think about that.

  Some things are better left unknown. I hoped that wasn't the "big thing" he wanted to show me.

  Chama-Fish flared his aura again, letting me know I’d be living here for the time being.

  I dropped to my knees on the smooth stone floor and gave him my most dramatic bow.

  "OH CHAMA-FISH! MASTER OF PURPLE ENERGY! COSMIC ENTITY OF INFINITE KNOWLEDGE! GIVER OF HOMES! SAVIOR OF THE POOR AND HOMELESS! I THANK YOU FOR THIS GLORIOUS CONSTRUCTION YOU HAVE BESTOWED UPON ME, YOUR UNWORTHY GUEST!"

  Chama-Fish tilted his head, staring at me like he was seriously reconsidering every decision that had led him to this moment.

  I could almost see the math playing in his brain.

  Bring human to village? Or vaporize with purple energy?

  Lucky for me, he just let out a long, heavy sigh.

  Then his aura pulsed again, sending a message straight to my skull.

  If I wanted to stay there… I had to learn their language. Not everyone could communicate with aura like he could. And even if they could, everyone’s energy signature was so different, it would take months, maybe years, to understand each other that way.

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  Fantastic.

  Time to go back to school.

  Chama-Fish left the house, making it clear that we would start classes the next day.

  So there I was. Alone. In a new house. With Waldo.

  I grabbed my trusty pajama backpack, pulled Waldo out, and set him on a shelf with ceremonial care.

  I tapped his rocky surface.

  "So… you planning on talking again sometime? Huh?"

  Silence.

  I leaned in closer.

  "What is this, huh? Jealous I made a new friend? Is that it?"

  Nothing. Just cold , stony silence.

  My patience snapped.

  "ANSWER ME, DAMN IT! WHAT ABOUT THAT WHOLE SPEECH ABOUT 'I'LL ALWAYS BE BY YOUR SIDE,' HUH? ABOUT BEING MY TRUSTED CONFIDANT? MY LOYAL COMPANION? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT? ANSWER ME, DAMN IT! ANSWER ME!"

  Nothing.

  I stood there, breathing hard, fists shaking.

  I sighed long and loud, rubbing my face.

  "Fine. You’ll come crawling back. You’ll beg me to talk to you again. You’ll see."

  I grabbed my backpack and threw it over his rocky little head, cutting him off from my line of sight.

  Then I flopped into the nearest stone chair, shockingly comfortable for something clearly designed by masochists.

  I exhaled, finally starting to relax…

  …until my brain slammed me with a terrifying realization.

  I was still naked.

  I had arrived in the village…

  Looked around…

  Smiled at literal children…

  Completely.

  Utterly.

  Naked.

  Oh, damn…

  It was time.

  Time to let go of the delirious dream I’d been clinging to for way too long.

  The dream of hunting a beast, skinning it like a pro, and crafting some epic grade underwear from its hide.

  I sighed and started searching the house.

  And to my surprise… there was a closet. Made of stone, of course. Pretty sure the concept of wood didn’t even exist on this planet.

  I cracked it open like it might explode.

  Inside, a whole pile of neatly folded clothes greeted me like some kind of alien fashion boutique.

  I pulled out the first thing I could grab.

  One piece. Like a T-shirt and a skirt had fused together in some cursed fashion accident.

  Perfect.

  Sure, I still didn’t have underwear, but at least I wouldn’t look like a public menace anymore.

  I gave it a closer look.

  Six arm holes. Four leg holes.

  Huh.

  I was going to have to modify this monstrosity, but I’d ask Chama-Fish for help later.

  For now, I just shoved it on as best I could, ignoring the extra limbs flopping around.

  I wasn’t ready to be that guy in the village.

  I sank back into the chair, staring into nothing.

  Wow.

  How the hell had I gotten here?

  I’d almost died. Multiple times.

  I’d learned what real pain felt like. And, yeah… I kind of liked it now. Not proud of that one.

  I met an alien. A real alien. And now I was living in a whole village of them.

  Well, actually, I was the alien one.

  I’d gained super regeneration, learned to control energy, started seeing auras, and become a connoisseur of cosmic sludge.

  And now…

  There I was.

  Sitting in an alien-made chair, in an alien-made house, thinking.

  "It’s been quite the trip, huh," I muttered to myself.

  Could I ever leave this place? And if I could… how?

  But if the wasteland had taught me anything… it was to expect the unexpected.

  I stood up and wandered through the house, poking around like I was on some kind of casual real estate tour.

  The bathroom? Spotless.

  Pretty normal too… except for the giant phallic toilet, of course.

  The living room?

  Cozy, in a minimalist, "we ran out of materials" kind of way.

  Then I found another door.

  It groaned like a dying beast when I opened it.

  A bedroom.

  A bed with strange sheets, a nightstand. And... a mirror.

  Polished stone, smooth as glass, reflecting everything a little too clearly.

  I stepped closer, and there I was.

  Oh, you devious little shit.

  Still beautiful, obviously.

  Sharp jawline. Tanned skin. Not a single zit in sight.

  Peak human specimen, really.

  But…

  There was something else.

  My eyes.

  Not brown like they were.

  Green.

  Fluorescent.

  Glowing.

  Not that I was complaining. Bright green eyes? Peak aesthetic upgrade. Enhanced my natural beauty, if anything.

  Still… I had to wonder.

  When did it happen? Was it the green elixir? My aura was green from the beginning, maybe that was the cause?

  No clue.

  But damn, I looked good. Did I mention I looked good? Well, I’m mentioning it again.

  And there I was. Alone. In a room. With a mirror.

  What else was I supposed to do?

  I started posing. Flexing.

  Turning side to side like I was on a runway.

  Damn, Keegan. You would have been voted Sexiest Man Alive on Earth for a thousand years straight.

  I stopped.

  …

  And then reality hit me like a slap to the face.

  Too bad I didn’t fit the local beauty standards.

  No tentacles.

  No extra arms.

  Not even a single extra leg.

  Tragic.

  After an extensive posing routine, which I’m sure lasted way longer than it should have, the sun finally dipped below the horizon.

  Night fell.

  And for the first time in… I don’t even know how long… I actually felt comfortable. Comfortable enough to feel… sleepy.

  I climbed onto the bed, expecting rocks. Or bones. Or cosmic sludge.

  But no. It was soft. Suspiciously soft.

  The sheets were warm, wrapping around me like they’d been made just for me.

  The fabric brushed against my skin, smooth and light.

  And the pillow…

  Oh, gods, the pillow. It hugged my head like it had known me my whole life. Perfect fit. Perfect pressure. Perfect everything.

  It felt… normal. Way too normal.

  I frowned.

  Why the hell did an alien bed feel like something straight out of an Earth catalog?

  I shook my head. Best not to overthink it.

  Tomorrow would be a long day, and I had a mountain of questions waiting for Chama-Fish.

  I let out a slow breath.

  Closed my eyes.

  And finally…

  I slept.