ERIC

  Back at the Beast Be Gone shop, Eric fell into the only chair and poured himself a whisky. Dust sparkled in the light filtering through the shutters. Rose stood over Eric with her arms folded, while Larry tramped into a corner and tried to blend in as another chair. Eric considered it a pathetic attempt to hide. With such little furniture in the room, a detailed mahogany seat stood out like a sore thumb. On their way back, Eric had tried to dissuade Larry from coming to live with them, but Larry was completely set on the idea, and was excited as a baby with a candy-apple. All things considered, a mimic wouldn’t be such a bad lodger. If anything it would give him a bit more furniture.

  Rose hesitated, obviously weighing up whether it was appropriate to sit on Larry. Instead, she pulled a lever on her backpack. With a whir, her mechanical arm folded down to the ground, forming a kink, upon which she leant. She shifted against the bronze device. ‘So what now, then?’ she asked.

  ‘How should I know?’ Eric took a swig of the cheap whisky, its delights slid down his throat. ‘My job is to clean out caves, not chase evil villains. I’m not a damned adventurer.’

  Rose’s face twinkled with realisation. ‘That’s it! We’re not adventurers… right now.’

  Eric didn’t like the sound of that one bit. He shook his head. ‘No, no way. I know what you’re thinking. I swore I'd never try adventuring ever again. Not after what happened.’

  ‘But it makes perfect sense! We need to find out who’s been making all the quests and filling all these dungeons, right?’ Rose stopped leaning on her metal arm and paced up and down the shop, a trail of steam following behind her. ‘We need to get in their boots, learn their ways, find out who’s running the show. We have to become adventurers.’

  ‘I know their ways alright.’ Eric took another swig. Just talking about them was enough to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. ‘Run around, swing your swords, destroy property and kill innocent creatures. Then finally loot what ain’t yours.’ He put down his glass and leaned forward. ‘My father showed me the right way. Care for the living and protect the world from itself. Not murder things for their life-force. It’s grotesque.’

  Rose tapped her chin. ‘There must be more to it than that. Like, how do they find all these quests in the first place? What do they do with all their loot? What drives them?’

  ‘I don’t care what drives them, probably a hero complex. This Dark Master chap certainly has one, judging by the name alone.’

  ‘Got any better ideas? We don’t have to do much actual adventuring, we just need to see what they’re up to.’

  As much as Eric hated to admit it, he felt Rose was right. They had to learn the inner workings of the adventuring world. He’d never really understood them, even when he tried to be one as a foolish, angry teenager. Adventurers used to be so rare that you could forget they ever existed, but now there were more adventurers than normal folk.

  On the other hand, could he ever live with himself after sinking that low again? He didn’t seem to have any other choice, as Lord Egglewort’s offer was all he had left.

  He let out a deep sigh. ‘I’d lose all credibility...’

  ‘Credibility?’ said Rose. ‘You think that matters in a time like this?’

  Eric rubbed his temples. He could hardly believe this was happening. It was like he was in some kind of dream. Or more rather, a nightmare. ‘Alright. I’ll be a ruddy adventurer. But I ain’t fighting no dragons.’

  Rose let out a little yelp of excitement. Eric frowned at her. She seemed awfully keen to become an adventurer. How did she manage to be so positive about everything? It was exhausting.

  ‘I barely know how to swing a sword,’ Eric muttered.

  Rose pointed to the dusty crossbow that hung above the mantelpiece. ‘What about that? Anyone can fire a crossbow.’

  His father’s crossbow. The one he didn’t fire in time to save him from the dragon. He shuddered. His last taste of adventuring had been the worst day of his life. ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘See? It’ll be easy. So how about we start at the Adventuring Careers Counsellors shop by the market? We went past it the other day.’

  ‘How do you know so much about all this?’

  Rose bristled. ‘I don’t. But my brother became an adventurer. Remember? For a while at least, before he, you know...’

  Eric felt a pang of guilt. ‘Right, yeah, sorry about that.’

  Rose patted Larry on the armrest. ‘What do you reckon Larry? Fancy coming along too?’

  Larry snorted. ‘No chance. Sounds dangerous! Maybe I’ll…. stay and keep things safe for you here?’

  Eric nodded. ‘Actually, that’s a good idea, if any bailiffs come, please eat them.’

  The chair did a kind of bow. ‘It would be my pleasure.’

  Eric and Rose left the shop, and after a short walk through the muddy Porkhaven streets, arrived at the market square. Its usual thrum had long since evaporated, leaving behind a miserable affair. Eric remembered when you could hardly move for people thrusting pots and questionably fresh fish in your face. Now only a handful of stalls remained open, mostly selling knock-off potions and rusty swords. That was all anyone wanted to buy these days. A shadow blanketed the space, cast by the building at the far end. It gleamed white, and across the front, a sign in pink read:

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  THE GUILD

  Career Advice and Services - Your Adventure Starts TODAY

  “Why farm animals when you could farm Experience?”

  Proudly Brought To You By The Doom Bank

  Eric recognised the pink skull logo blotted above. The whole place was funded by the same wretched bank who’d sent over the bailiffs to kick his door in.

  The pair entered the building through a doorway marked “entry”, finding themselves faced with a metallic box behind a desk. The box rumbled and two lights shone out of it like eyes, while steam billowed all around.

  ‘Greetings, travellers,’ the box spoke with a sharp, broken voice. ‘My name is Loading. A pleasure to meet you. How may I serve you today?’

  More Western steam technology. Eric frowned at Rose.

  ‘Don’t look at me,’ she said, defensively. ‘I didn’t craft him.’

  ‘Well, it came from your weird land,’ said Eric. ‘It’s as bad as your backpack.’

  Rose ran a protective hand down her straps. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my backpack. It’s far safer than crazy enchantments.’

  ‘I can’t believe that it doesn’t have some enchantments.’

  ‘Well, fine, maybe a few. But only the steam is enchanted, it’s so much safer. If it’s off, it’s off. It won’t just blow up randomly in the night.’

  Eric thought he would actually get a good night's sleep if there weren’t so many nocturnal explosions in Porkhaven, but then again, that was part of the city’s charm. ‘Whatever you say.’ Eric turned to the thing behind the desk. ‘Either way, that box of junk reeks of magic.’

  Eric could have sworn the metal box looked offended, which was impossible considering its lack of features.

  ‘I am an automaton, Sir,’ it said with a hiss. ‘How may I help you today?’

  Eric cleared his throat. ‘Is this err… Guild thing, free?’

  The automaton whirred. ‘Indeed sir. The Guild has been subsidised by the Doom Bank - with your account, you have free lifetime access.’

  Eric kicked himself for having a Doom Bank account. The loan repayments were crippling him, and this was what they were putting the money into? ‘Right. Well, we, uh, want to become adventurers. We’d like to join The Guild, so we can adventure and kill innocent goblins and things.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Loading. ‘Commencing new adventurer protocol.’ There was a gentle hum. ‘Select your name adventurers.’

  ‘Eric.’

  ‘ERROR. Eric is taken. We have Eric242, Eric682 or Eric762? Do you wish to proceed with one of these?’

  ‘I want to be Eric. My name’s Eric.’

  ‘ERROR. Eric is taken. We have Eric932, Eric145 or Eric425? Do you wish to proceed with one of these?’

  Eric groaned. ‘Fine, Eric-four-two-five. It’s not like anyone’s going to call me that anyway.’

  ‘Thank you Eric425. Other party members, please select your name.’

  Rose stepped forward. ‘I’ll be Rosepuff’

  ‘Thank you Rosepuff.’

  Eric raised his eyebrow.

  ‘What?’ she said with a shrug. ‘It’s what my dad calls me.’

  ‘Really? I never knew he was such a softie. He always seemed so… cold.’

  ‘He’s probably changed a lot since you knew him.’

  Eric thought back to the calculating man that Rose’s father had been, The High Governor of Murica. Calling his daughter Rosepuff seemed very out of character. The loss of his son must have hit him hard.

  ‘CAUTION,’ Loading announced. ‘Conveyer belt activated.’

  Eric felt a surge of panic. ‘Conveyer what...?’

  There was a jerk, and the world moved beneath their feet. He grabbed hold of Rose’s shoulder. She smiled and brushed him off. ‘Relax, it’s just a moving floor.’

  The “moving floor” dragged them through a hatch and darkness enveloped them.

  ‘This is fun!’ cried Rose.

  Eric wanted to be sick.

  ‘What is your race?’ came the disembodied voice of Loading.

  ‘A bit of a racist question isn’t it?’ came Rose’s voice.

  Eric couldn’t see a thing. How could he make it stop?

  ‘ERROR,’ barked Loading. ‘Please repeat.’

  ‘We’re humans,’ said Rose.

  ‘Human selected,’ said Loading. ‘Please choose an item from the following sections and you will be assigned a class.’

  The floor stopped moving and the lamps in the corridor burst out in radiant yellow. In front of them was a table covered with a selection of objects. There was everything from lock-picks to potions, rope to musical instruments, books to jewellery. It seemed like someone had just gone to the pawnshop and grabbed everything that came to hand.

  Rose and Eric exchanged looks.

  It all seemed so pointless. How was this supposed to help him choose a class? And yet... one item did call to him. Out of the corner of his eye, it demanded his attention, like a nagging itch. He reached out and picked up the crossbow bolt. ‘This’ll do,’ he said with confidence.

  Rose picked up a small metal hammer. ‘I could use this to fix my chugger’s wonky foot.’

  The conveyor belt leapt into action again, pulling them down the corridor and to another table full of seemingly pointless objects. However, these ones were much stranger. There were skulls, orbs, metal rods, plants, rocks, a flagon, some feathers. Eric took the rabbit's paw without too much thought, while Rose picked up a brass key.

  The floor moved again as Loading spoke. ‘Thank you, Eric425. You are best suited to be a RANGER. A stalker of prey and friend to the animals, you enjoy crafting traps and putting distance between you and your enemies.’

  Eric felt a swell of annoyance that he could be judged solely on arbitrary objects.

  ‘Rosepuff, you are best suited to be a TINKERER. A manipulator of the world, using gadgets to destroy your enemies and trinkets to guide your path.’

  Rose nodded. ‘Seems like the obvious choice.’

  ‘The final step of the character creation process is facial reconstruction options. Are you happy with your appearance, or would you like a modification?

  Rose poked her nose with her forefinger. ‘I’ve always wondered what I’d look like with a smaller nose…’

  Eric cut in. ‘No reconstructions, Loading. Thank you.’

  ‘As you wish.’

  The conveyor belt stopped again at the end of the room and mechanical arms placed scrolls in each of their hands.

  ‘Here’s a list of recommended starting equipment and an assigned trainer for your tutorial,’ said Loading. ‘Good luck adventurers.’

  Eric winced at the final word. A door opened in front of them, bathing them with the light. They stepped through it and back into the fragrant streets of Porkhaven.

  Rose opened her scroll like it was a long-overdue love letter. She smiled as she read.

  Eric looked down at his scroll but decided not to open it. ‘What does yours say?’

  Rose cleared her throat. ‘Congratulations Rosepuff The Human Tinkerer,’ she read. ‘And welcome to the new world of adventuring. A world of possibility, excitement, Experience and treasure awaits.’

  ‘Excitement my foot,’ Eric mumbled.

  Rose ignored him and continued. ‘There are a few more steps before you can begin your journey. First, go to your nearest Adventurer’s Supply store to collect your complimentary TINKERER Starter Kit. You may wish to collect further equipment at your own cost.’

  Eric snorted. ‘Fat chance of that.’

  ‘After this, please attend your local mentor to guide you through your Tutorial. Your nearest mentor is: “Wise Wally, 37 Alchemy Alley - Porkhaven”. Good luck.’

  Rose looked up from the scroll. ‘How exciting! Guess we should head over to an Adventurer’s Supply then. Know where to find one?’

  The familiar logo hung on a wooden sign at the end of the street. Potion bottle on a shield, green on black. Eric pointed. ‘There’s literally one right there.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘You can’t walk for more than two minutes without seeing one these days. Come on, let’s get this over with.’