XENIXALA

  Supreme Conjuror Xenixala of Xendor, Bringer of Destruction, Champion of Fenakkur and owner of a ‘Broomstick Proficiency Badge’, shuddered. The kind of hot, pleasant shudder she enjoyed more than anything. Her fingers popped the cork off another Elixir and she savoured its chemical aroma. Heaven.

  Edwardius spoke with a concerned tone. ‘How many of those have you had today Xeni?’

  ‘Not enough.’ As Xenixala pushed the door open to the crypt a waft of stale air hit her. Had Edwardius been a little more observant, he would have noticed that she hadn’t even made contact with the wood. Telekinesis was rather excellent at preventing broken nails.

  Professor Mogg echoed in her head, her voice biting. ‘Your telekinesis pushed too far, Xenixala. You nearly destroyed the desk. You need to CONTROL your power. I see so much potential in you, but you will never be the best. And if you’re not the best, you are the worst.’

  ‘I’ve got plenty more to go around if you want one?’ she asked, pushing the memory back down. Deep down. ‘They’re a bit old but they’ll do the job.’

  ‘I shouldn’t,’ Edwardius bit his lip. ‘I’ve had one, and that’s plenty. It’s better to keep a clear head.’

  ‘This will give you a clear head.’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘Guaranteed. The more the better.’ She held out one of the larger vials, waving it so the green liquid made a satisfying slosh. ‘Go on, one more won’t hurt.’

  ‘I suppose... one wouldn’t hurt.’

  ‘That’s the spirit.’ Xenixala handed him the vial and produced another for herself. ‘Bottoms up.’

  The vials clinked and the Elixir drained.

  ‘Oh my.’ Edwardius put his hand on his forehead, his pupils wide with delight.

  ‘Good stuff eh?’ She decided not to tell him about the little modifications she’d made to give them a bit more zing. Notably gin and rat tails. ‘Right, let’s do this.’

  Xenixala and Edwardius strode down the steps, batting aside the cobwebs as their eyes adjusted to the darkness of the crypt. Somehow the room had returned to the exact layout from an hour before. Dust still coated every surface, lanterns illuminated the repaired coffins along the walls and the dead adventurers remained motionless on the floor. The lich must have had a tidying enchantment.

  Xenixala lowered her voice. ‘Okay, he’ll appear as soon as we step towards the back. What’s the game plan?’

  Edwardius rubbed his mighty, clean-shaven chin. ‘How about you cast a reflecting enchantment on me as I approach. Then I’ll be immune and can make the first strike? Are you experienced in that kind of spell?’

  Xenixala scoffed. ‘I know every spell in the book, and more besides.’ Although she rarely used supporting enchantments, Xenixala considered herself more of a “one woman army”, one that other people should get out the way of. However, this could win her some points with Edwardius. She rested her fingertips on his golden-clad arms and waves of energy pulsed forth. ‘There you go.’

  ‘How about we use a Holy Balm too? They work marvellously against evil.’

  Xenixala rolled her eyes. ‘Is that some kind of lame paladin trick?’

  ‘I suppose you could say that. I’ll show you if you like.’ He came beside her, so close she could almost taste him. ‘I don’t have any holy water, so we’ll use this Elixir instead. Any liquid will do, really.’ He put his arms around her from behind, it sent a tingle down her spine. He cupped her hands onto the Elixir bottle. ‘Hold it just like this. Then pour in all your own hatred, all your inner demons, all your malice into the vial. By purging this from your mind, your bring the light of The Holy Mole in.’

  Xenixala felt awfully silly. But she obliged, savouring their proximity. She focussed, thinking of all the wasted quests and tedious people in the world. Weakness, ugliness, futility, fragility, mediocrity. Her teacher, Professor Mogg. The poisons she made her drink. The punishments for failure. The pain. Her peers laugher and mocking.

  ‘If you’re not the best, you are the worst.’

  Edwardius muttered a prayer and the Elixir sparkled. He stepped away. ‘There we are, an anti-evil balm.’ He drizzled the liquid onto his sword and gave her a wink.

  They nodded at one another, then stormed towards the end of the chamber. The central coffin lid launched off in a fury of smoke, clattering to the floor. The lich appeared once more.

  I AM THE LICH KALAKZAR! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS…

  A ray of fire hit Edwardius in the chest, but the enchantment glowed bright. The spell flipped in mid-air, returning back at the lich. The undead ducked and narrowly evaded the ray. It fizzled into the wall.

  ...AND PREPARE TO MEET YOUR ...BLIMEY.

  The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  Edwardius was already there, his sword swishing. The lich backed away, the hollows of his eyes warped with panic.

  NOT YOU TWO AGAIN.

  Xenixala held Wordsworth open and read the words, ‘Tunnelus Libris Enchantica,’ which lifted from his pages, turning in the air, swirling larger and larger. In a moment, the words had spread through the entire room, spiralling in a wind of confusion. The lich spun his head, frantically searching the floating words. Xenixala let out a hearty chuckle. She ran in, letters parted before her, a tunnel of spells ready for her taking. She plucked one from the air, tossing it at the skeletal figure.

  The lich batted the word aside as if it were a fly. It was his turn to laugh, teeth bared.

  A sword plunged through his skull.

  The blue smoke flushed away, leaving silence and a pile of ash at Edwardius’ feet.

  Xenixala smiled. ‘Good job.’

  Edwardius wiped the ash from his sword and smiled back. ‘That was too easy. Maybe next time we try without the enchantment? Make it more of a challenge?’

  ‘Agreed. Here,’ Xenixala tossed him another Elixir. ‘You’ll want another one of these.’ This time he didn’t even pretend to resist.

  They ran back up the stairs, left the crypt and immediately came back down. The room was fresh, just like how they found it. Curious. Perhaps other dungeon rooms did that too? She’d never bothered going back on herself after a plunder.

  I AM THE LICH KALAKZAR! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS…

  She needed a new tactic, spice things up. Time slowed with her enchanted words. The lich’s speech became a deep drawl, his movements crawled to a standstill.

  ...A...N...D... ...P...R...E...P...A...R...E…

  Edwardius and Xenixala ran to him, a flurry of destruction.

  The lich dissipated into a pile of ash with their first strike.

  Xenixala scuffed his remains with her boot. ‘Hmm, that was even easier than before.’

  ‘But rather good fun. I’ve never moved at double speed before.’

  ‘There are a lot of new things you could try with me around.’ Xenixala winked, hoping he would catch the message.

  ‘Again?’

  ‘Again.’

  Another potion shared. The door opened and closed.

  I AM THE LICH KALAKZAR! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS…

  Xenixala let Edwardius take the lead. He ducked and dived at the creature, sword raised high. Her lightning flew past him.

  SERIOUSLY?! AGAIN?

  It wasn’t long before the lich became dust a fourth time.

  Up the stairs, down the stairs, potion.

  Xenixala hurled a fireball just as the lich burst from the coffin.

  I AM THE LICH KAL… OH, WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.

  Edwardius was there, swiping a graceful attack.

  It was odd. Working together as a team felt… right. A demi-lich was a mighty foe, and they cut through him with barely a sweat. It was as if she had doubled her power. She’d never felt it before. Normally a party just got in her way. She only kept them around to soak up some damage and talk to all the boring villagers who needed help. But with Edwardius it was different. They were simply a great fit, or maybe it was his handsome face spurring her on. Either way, she knew she had to keep him.

  They went again and again. Guzzling Elixirs, thrusting blades, hurling spells, over and over. Things became a blur. She lost count of their successes. The swell of battle consumed her into a mist of magic, Elixir, Experience and joy. More, she wanted more. She could barely think, a perfect state of numb bliss that took her from the wretched world. Darkness was her friend, a shadow that blotted out her mind.

  She was everything.

  ‘You will never be the best.’

  She was nothing.

  And that was just how she liked it.

  * * *

  Xenixala awoke from her haze with a headache that could kill a troll. Where was she? Opening her eyes made her head spin. The room was bare, with only a bed and a large carving of a mole on the wall. How had she made it to bed? And where were her clothes?

  Someone moved in the sheets beside her.

  Xenixala rubbed her temples. ‘Keep still Wordsworth.’ She burped, bringing up a little Elixir, then winced and swallowed it back down.

  ‘Xeni?’

  She turned over to find Edwardius staring back at her. ‘Oh, it’s you,’ she mumbled. Her chest filled with pride. At least she’d finally managed it.

  ‘By the Mole!’ Edwardius threw the sheets back, revealing his hairless torso. ‘Did we...? Tell me we didn’t.’

  ‘Not too sure. Probably.’

  Wordsworth leapt between them and rifled his pages. ‘I’m pretty sure you did.’

  Edwardius jumped out of bed and paced back and forth. Xenixala took the opportunity to examine his sculpted rear.

  ‘Oh no, no, noo, no no no,’ he moaned. ‘This can’t be so! What have you done to me?!’

  ‘Relax,’ said Xenixala. ‘No use crying over spilt piss. I’m sure it was fun. How about we go for another round? Then we’d actually remember it.’

  Edwardius glared at her. ‘Get away from me you wicked creature. You’ve soiled my good name!’

  ‘Whatever, loverboy.’

  He folded his arms. ‘You’re out of our party. I never want to see your face again. Do you hear me?’

  ‘It’s like that is it?’ Xenixala grinned. ‘If you say so. But it would be an awful shame if someone were to tell Felina about your... transgression.’

  Edwardius’ mouth hung open. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’

  ‘Wouldn’t I?’ Xenixala got up, stepping slowly towards Edwardius until she could feel his breath on her lips. ‘She’s probably been resurrected by now. Maybe I should pay her a little visit?’

  ‘You’re a monster.’

  She lay back on the bed and stretched out. ‘I’ve been called much worse.’

  * * *

  Felina sat on the resurrection plinth, where she looked more petite than ever compared to the colossal slab. Seeing her made Xenixala glad she had yet to experience resurrection. Felina’s face was pale and puffy, her tiny eyes sullen, her once silky-golden hair frayed and limp. She looked like a low-level vampire. True death would be preferable to that.

  Felina would have lost a lot of her Experience too. It only just occurred to Xenixala that Edwardius would have taken a chunk, having been the one to kill her. She could probably bring that up later to annoy them.

  The little pixie pulled a weak smile when she saw Edwardius enter the temple chamber. ‘There you are, my love.’

  Edwardius ran over, lifting her into a warm embrace. ‘I’ve missed you so much, my sweetheart. Please forgive me for… killing you like that.’ He hadn’t even had time to wash and probably still smelled of Xenixala’s perfume, Chant Hell No. 9 - a must-have for any witch.

  Felina coughed into her hand. ‘You were trying to protect me. It was so romantic. I would die a thousand times for you.’ Xenixala rolled her eyes. The pixie looked around the room. ‘Where are we?’

  Xenixala waved a dismissive hand. ‘Some back-end temple out in the middle of nowhere. We should get going, it’s as boring as death here.’ She paused. ‘And I suppose you would know.’

  Felina got to her feet. ‘I think I can manage.’ She stumbled and Edwardius caught her.

  ‘She’s fine,’ said Xenixala. ‘We should go.’

  ‘Never,’ Edwardius said with gravity. ‘We should wait for Felina to gather her strength.’

  Xenixala made an overt cough into her fist.

  ‘Ah yes, I mean… maybe…’ Edwardius hung his head. ‘Maybe we should listen to Xeni.’

  ‘Good to hear it.’ Xenixala clapped her hands together and strolled towards the door. ‘Now let’s make like a centaur and split.’ She enjoyed watching Edwardius squirm almost more than having an Elixir.

  This was going to be a lot of fun indeed.