ERIC

  The doorbell jangled as Rose and Eric entered Adventurer’s Supply. The shop’s shelves were full of odd items: vibrating books, glowing hammers, snazzy rucksacks and lumps of ore. Behind the counter, the shiniest loot sat safely behind a protective barrier. Eric sniffed. It stank of anti-spell charms.

  A gnome poked his head out from behind the counter, only his hairy face visible. What was visible was dark and unkempt. Gnomes were famously unclean, so the little creature probably hadn't bathed in years. In his experience this made them much easier to track down.

  The little thing smiled vacantly at them. ‘Good day, weary travellers, can I interest you in some wares?’ The gnome spoke in an irritating tone. ‘Some armour perhaps? I’ve the finest swords in the land.’

  All of them claimed to have the finest swords in the land. Damned salesmen, they knew full well they all came from the same factory.

  ‘We’ve come from The Guild,’ said Eric, holding up his scroll. ‘To collect our free ranger and tinkerer starting kit.’

  ‘Certainly travellers.’ The tiny gnome disappeared, then returned with two boxes. He lifted them up on the counter.

  Eric opened the box labelled Ranger Starter Kit. Inside was an Elixir, a dagger and a rusty crossbow that looked like it wouldn’t even load. He let the lid fall back down. ‘Is that it?’

  The gnome nodded.

  Rose opened her box. ‘I’ve got a wrench, a dagger and an Elixir.’ She took the Elixir out and popped off the cork.

  Eric knocked it out of her hand and it smashed onto the floor. ‘Don’t,’ said Eric forcefully. ‘That stuff’s poison and highly addictive. You don’t want to end up like that dire-badger. The free one’s there to get you hooked.’

  The gnome was already beside them, sweeping up the broken shards.

  ‘This starter set was a waste of time.’ Eric frowned, then noticed the deep, glowing crossbow on the shelf. He caressed it, feeling the cool wood. The engraving on the side of the handle read, “Fine Crossbow of Plus-Two and Fire Resistance.” He had no idea what a “plus-two” was, but he felt like he needed it. Fire resistance sounded useful. ‘How much for this one instead?’

  ‘For you traveller, a bargain.’ The gnome dipped his quill, then scribbled onto a scrap of parchment.

  ‘Forty-four gold pieces!?’ Eric exclaimed. ‘I’m not made of money!’

  ‘That is the price traveller. We do not bargain.’

  ‘How about we say ten gold pieces?’

  ‘That is the price traveller. We do not bargain.’

  ‘Fifteen?’

  Rose cut in. ‘What about that perfectly good crossbow on the wall in your shop? You could just use that.’

  That cursed crossbow. Could he really bear to use it? The one in the starter set didn’t look like it could harm a fly, let alone a giant-fly, which were much more common and terrifying. Giant-flies were best dealt with by applying a sticky paint to the latrines. Once stuck stationary, you could send them to sleep with venom tipped darts. Then you could sell the wings to the cape-makers, the body to the pie-makers and the legs to the dog pound. ‘Fine, have it your way. Are you going to get anything?’

  ‘I’ve already got plenty of equipment,’ said Rose. ‘Plus I think this place is a rip-off.’

  ‘I’m inclined to agree.’

  ‘Stay safe on your travels, adventurers!’ called out the shopkeeper in a cheery tone, as the pair walked out the door.

  They stopped off to pick up Eric’s crossbow at the Beast Be Gone shop, then strolled over to Alchemy Alley, the place Loading had told them to get their tutorial. Whatever that was. Naturally, the place stank of every chemical Eric could think of, along with a few unknown ones thrown in for good measure, all of which made him a little light headed. Eric felt awkward carrying his father’s crossbow, and not only because every non-adventurer they walked past gave him a wide berth. It was as if he were back on his first, and last, dragon hunt. It was surreal. Something about the weight on his shoulders took him right back. He stiffened his lip and shrugged off the uncomfortable thoughts.

  ‘Here we are,’ said Eric, stopping outside house number thirty-seven. Its rotten shutters hung loose and its walls were coated in an odd blue moss. Eric sighed. ‘Although I’ve lost track of what here is. I thought we were trying to stop adventurers. Now it seems like we’re just doing a bunch of awful quests.’

  ‘One step at a time, Eric,’ said Rose cheerily. ‘If this is where the adventurers start, then maybe that’s where we can make them stop.’

  Eric banged on the door, being careful not to let it fall off its hinges. It creaked open. A wrinkled man emerged from the darkness, stooping as he strained with the door. He smiled through his grey beard, revealing a set of crooked teeth.

  ‘Welcome travellers,’ he spoke slowly and in a hushed tone as if he could barely breathe. ‘I’ve been expecting you...’

  ‘Weird Wally?’ said Eric.

  ‘Wise Wally.’

  ‘That’s what I meant. I’m Eric, and this here is Rose. We want to get a mentor.’

  ‘Eric and Rose? You must be mistaken, there are already great adventurers by those names...’

  Eric sighed. ‘I mean, Eric-four-two-five and Rosepuff.’

  ‘That makes more sense.’ Wise Wally cleared his throat. ‘Anyway, where was I? Ah yes.’ His voice returned to a whisper. ‘I’ve been expecting you... for I have seen it in my dreams.’

  ‘You must have pretty dull dreams.’

  Wise Wally ignored him. ‘Come inside, travellers, and rest yourselves, for you have a long journey ahead of you, and much to learn.’

  They followed Wise Wally into his house. Eric had to bend down to get through the doorway. The front room was larger than he’d been expecting, full of ancient furniture on top of a mish mash of rugs. Candles dotted the space, with little to no regard for fire safety, bathing it in light.

  Wise Wally was already in a rocking chair by the fire. ‘Come, sit with me, friends,’ he wheezed.

  Eric and Rose exchanged a look, then went and sat by the fire too. There weren’t any more chairs, so Eric chose the largest cushion he could find.

  ‘Ahh,’ Wise Wally breathed out, stretching his legs and wiggling his toes towards the warmth of the fire. ‘Many moons ago, a dark power…’

  Eric cut him off. ‘Listen, we’re just here to get our training. If you could hurry things along, that would be great.’

  Wise Wally’s cheeks flushed. ‘You.... don’t want your Main Quest?’

  ‘I’m not even sure what a Main Quest is. But it sounds long and boring.’

  ‘It usually is,’ Wise Wally nodded. ‘That's why adventurers tend to do the side quests first.’

  ‘Fine, give us one of those instead.’

  Wise Wally let out a hearty, breathy laugh. ‘The Main Quest leads you to the side quests. Don’t you see?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Well, look at it this way. You need a purpose in life, a path, a destination.’ He smiled. Eric tried not to look at his teeth. ‘That gets you moving towards a goal. Then when you head that way, you get distracted, you meet exciting people and discover new places. That’s when you realise that the journey was the real adventure all along.’ Wise Wally flourished his hands as if he lived up to his name.

  The author's content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  Eric scoffed. ‘Journeys are the boring part. Everyone knows that. Why do you think that teleporting is so popular?’

  Rose chimed in. ‘And in The West, the railsteam takes no time at all.’

  ‘But adventures are much richer without too much fast travelling,’ pleaded Wally.

  ‘And definitely more boring,’ said Eric.

  Wise Wally sighed. ‘You really aren’t getting it.’

  ‘Do we actually need a Main Quest?

  ‘Strictly speaking, no.’ Wise Wally leaned in and lowered his voice even more. ‘Just between us, most adventurers get bored or die before they finish it. But you do need a reason to adventure, or you won’t get your adventuring certificate and I don’t get paid. If you like, I'll give you the same one to do together. How does that sound?’

  Eric rolled his eyes. ‘Alright then, give us a nice simple one.’

  ‘Okay let’s see…’ Wise Wally produced a list from his pocket. He squinted at it in the light. ‘Looking for your long lost father and/or mother?’

  ‘No, I knew them. And now they’re dead.’

  ‘Right. How about... you’re the secret heir to the throne?’

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe.’

  ‘Seems a bit of a stretch.’

  ‘Alright then,’ Wise Wally continued to read. ‘There is a rift in the astral plane and demons are scourging the land, only you have the power to…’

  ‘I don’t see any demons, do you?’

  ‘There are always demons around somewhere.’

  ‘Next.’

  ‘Looking for a cure to a deadly disease that afflicted your village?’

  ‘What disease is that?’

  ‘I’m sure we could infect your village with something.’

  ‘Doesn’t seem very ethical.’

  ‘Uhhh…’ Wise Wally ran his finger down to the bottom of the list. ‘Lost pet...?’

  ‘That’ll do.’

  ‘Excellent!’ Wise Wally paused. ‘Wait, do you actually have a pet?’

  ‘I suppose I do, Daisy, my mule.’

  ‘Perfect. Then it’s settled.’ Wise Wally stood up. ‘Now it’s time for me to teach you the basics of combat, follow me.’

  Wise Wally led them down the rotting staircase into the basement. He lit the brazier, revealing a long room filled with half a dozen scarecrows. Each had crude targets painted on their chests.

  He produced a notebook from his robes and read. ‘Worthy adventurers, it is time for you to learn… what were your classes again?’

  ‘Ranger and tinkerer.’

  ‘Exactly. Time for you to learn how to be a true ranger and tinkerer. As a ranger, you will harness the power of your bow to defeat your foes. I see you already have one of those - and a fine one it is too.’ Wise Wally turned to Rose. ‘And as a tinkerer, you’ll craft powerful trinkets to deceive and decimate the enemy.’

  Rose beamed. ‘Sounds good to me.’

  Wise Wally clapped his hands together. ‘Though first thing’s first, I’m going to show you how to jump.’

  Rose and Eric exchanged looks.

  ‘I know how to jump,’ said Eric.

  Wise Wally tutted. ‘Look, it’s all part of the protocol. I’ve seen that you can walk forward, but I have to make sure you can jump before I can progress you to the next stage of your training. You’d be surprised at how badly adventurers jump, even the smallest ledge can be a challenge. Please demonstrate.’

  Eric and Rose jumped into the air, Eric winced at his poor landing.

  ‘Excellent!’ Wise Wally grinned at their efforts then ticked something off of his notebook. ‘Next. Rosepuff, behind you, is a workbench. A tinkerer's closest friend. Have a play with the tools there and see if you can craft some iron daggers and such for the Experience.’ Rose skipped over to the bench, her backpack whirring into life. Wise Wally turned to Eric. ‘And mighty Eric-four-two-five, the ranger. Let’s see how well you fire that delightful weapon of yours.’

  Eric loaded his father’s crossbow, raised it and breathed out. He fired. The bolt missed the scarecrow target by so much it almost hit another one.

  Wise Wally rested a gentle hand on his back. ‘Try to relax, take a deep breath.’

  How could he relax? As soon as his eye went down and he felt the smooth stock on his cheek, all he could see was that dragon’s teeth staring back at him. Hear his father's screams. Sweat dripped from his brow as he pulled the trigger again. The bolt went wide and lodged itself in the wall.

  ‘Try putting your front foot a little further forward.’

  ‘That won’t work,’ Eric snapped.

  ‘At least try,’ Wise Wally raised a finger. ‘“For trying is the start of betterment”.’

  Eric wondered if Wise Wally had memorised a book of annoying sayings. He moved his front foot forward and fired. This time the bolt grazed the scarecrow’s arm.

  ‘Excellent!’ Wise Wally had smug plastered all over his face. ‘You two keep practising for the Experience, I’m going upstairs to nap.’

  Eric had been too irritated by Wally to think about his father. But at least it was something. He reloaded the crossbow and raised it. This time he focussed on all the adventurers ruining the world. Their pretentious armour and ridiculous matching haircuts, of which there were about seven. Their greed, their arrogance, their carelessness. He fired. The bolt hit the scarecrow dead between the eyes. Eric tried not to seem too pleased, but he couldn’t help himself.

  After a few more hours of practice, Eric got eleven more bull's-eyes. Rose, on the other hand, had somehow managed to craft a small pile of bombs and a moving box coated in about fifty iron daggers.

  ‘I think I’m getting the hang of this!’ Rose exclaimed, sparks flying out of the tool protruding from her backpack.

  Eric muttered some obscenities and tried to focus on his aim. He fired and hit the target.

  ‘Wonderful!’ came the voice of Wise Wally behind him. ‘You both seem to have come along a treat. That means it’s time for your final lesson, the special secret to adventuring. But you must promise not to tell any non-adventurers, alright?’

  ‘Promise,’ said Rose and Eric in unison. Eric kept his fingers crossed in his pocket.

  ‘Lovely,’ said Wise Wally. ‘The secret to adventuring is Experience. If you kill anything, you get a small piece of its essence. Then whatever you’re good at, the Experience will make you even better. Sword-fighting, sorcery, woodwork, juggling, sneaking, anything!’

  ‘Everyone knows that,’ said Eric, folding his arms.

  Rose chimed in. ‘Did you know it was first discovered one-hundred-and-twenty-three years ago by the scientist Robert Irwell Experience?’

  ‘I did!’ said Wise Wally, impressed. ‘But let me tell you the real secret…’ Wise Wally tapped his nose, ‘Elixir gives a massive boon in Experience gain. Over one hundred times more than normal! As long as you have some Elixir in your stomach, killing things will give you a colossal increase in your power.’

  Eric thought on this. It was no wonder adventurers were so obsessed with Elixir. ‘Is that why they drink so many?’

  ‘Drinking more Elixir doesn’t mean more experience,’ said Wise Wally. ‘One is plenty, but if you want to indulge, then knock yourself out, it is delicious. In fact, I can sell you some for a very reasonable price. Fresh today from the Doom Bank’s factory.’

  Eric shook his head. ‘No chance.’

  ‘Your loss,’ said Wise Wally. ‘Anyway, I suppose that’s your training complete,’ he trailed off and stepped over to the wall. ‘Oh nooo… look at that, a wild swarm of ooze creatures. How did that happen?’

  Sure enough, a handful of green balls now glistened on the floor, slowly inching their way towards Wise Wally.

  Eric raised an eyebrow. ‘You pulled that lever and let them out from those secret doors.’

  ‘No, I didn’t,’ said Wally as he moved his hand away from the lever. ‘Oh help, please! If only there were some adventurers here to save me!’

  ‘Well don’t look at me,’ said Eric. ‘A crossbow won’t hurt an ooze, the bolt will go right through. You need a repellent or alkaline solution.’

  ‘You’re an adventurer now,’ said Wise Wally through gritted teeth. ‘Use the damned crossbow.’

  Eric sighed and lifted his weapon. He hesitated, finger on the trigger. The creature before him was a living thing. It deserved a humane death or some proper care, not to be tormented by a bolt through the head. The oozed trickled closer.

  ‘Quickly!’ Wise Wally moaned. ‘You’re my only hope!’

  Eric fired. The bolt shot straight through the ooze and into the floor. Just as he expected. Oozes were liquid, which made them somewhat immune to physical harm.

  ‘What did I tell you?’ said Eric, lowering the crossbow. ‘Useless.’

  ‘You killed it!’ Rose said, pointing.

  Eric looked back. The ooze did indeed seem to be dead. It was now more of a puddle than “ooze shape”, a shape that had always reminded him of a muffin.

  ‘Rosepuff, use one of your bombs!’ shrieked Wise Wally.

  Rose hesitated. ‘Won’t that take down the whole house?’

  ‘Don’t worry it’s all reinforced. I had it made for adventuring.’

  Rose tossed her device. It ticked and hissed, rolling in between the oozes. There was a flash of light and a colossal thunder. Everyone dived to the ground.

  Eric coughed, the air thick with dust. He stood up and wiped himself down. ‘Everyone alright?’

  Rose’s backpack chugged, the arm pushing her up. She grinned. ‘That was exciting.’ She stopped, her expression dark.

  Wise Wally lay motionless on the floor, oozes covering his body.

  Rose ran over to him. ‘He’s alive!’ She pushed the oozes away, who compliantly rolled off and trickled away into their secret hatches.

  Wise Wally’s breath was shallow and rattled. ‘Avenge me… young ones… And find Daisy…’ Wise Wally’s tongue lolled out and he closed his eyes.

  ‘He’s… he’s dead.’ Rose hung her head.

  The room went silent for a moment.

  ‘No he ain’t.’ Eric gave Wise Wally a sharp kick.

  ‘Ow!’ Wise Wally burst back into life. ‘What’d you do that for?’

  ‘Get up, you’re not fooling no-one.’

  Wise Wally stood up, much taller than before without his stoop. He rubbed his side. ‘That really hurt you know.’

  ‘Why’d you pretend to be dead?’

  ‘An adventurer’s mentor always has to die.’ Wally’s voice was no longer husky, it sounded fresh and articulated. ‘That’s the first part of starting any adventure, gives the hero motivation to move onto Act Two of their story arc. It’s how they trained us to do it.’

  ‘And they couldn’t train you to be a better actor?’ Eric stopped. ‘Hold on a minute, who trained you?’

  ‘Why The Guild of course. I have a certificate and everything.’ He pointed to the framed paper on the wall. It was titled “Official Adventuring Mentor” and the grade said “C”. A logo of a pink skull sat at the top of the faded certificate. ‘I used to be an ooze breeder.’

  Rose took a closer look. ‘That pink skull, we’ve seen it before, haven't we?’

  Eric nodded as thoughts formulated in his head. ‘It’s the symbol of The Doom Bank. Their bailiffs took the last of my stuff.’

  ‘And they were the ones who paid off Old Ted and they fund The Guild too.’

  ‘And didn’t Wally just say that Elixirs get made at The Doom Bank?’

  Wally scratched the back of his head. ‘Oh, ah, I wasn’t supposed to say that bit.’

  ‘The Doom Bank must be behind all this,’ said Rose. ‘They’re setting up quests, making new adventurers and flogging them Elixirs. But why?’

  ‘Beats me,’ said Eric. ‘Wally, d’you know what’s going on?’

  ‘No idea,’ said Wally, stroking his beard. ‘I’m just doing my job, I’ll get paid either way.’

  An ooze wobbled in and went right up to Wise Wally. A note slivered out of its body, which elongated up to Wise Wally’s hand.

  Wally read the note. ‘Excellent, it seems your Main Quest is ready.’

  ‘I don’t think we want that any more,’ said Eric.

  ‘Ah,’ Wally stopped and drew an intake of breath. ‘It’s a bit too late for that now, I’m afraid. I sent the messenger duck while you were busy practicing.’

  Eric scowled at him. ‘Already?! Cancel it.’

  ‘They’ll already have your pet by now. You wanted adventuring, you got adventuring. Your Main Quest has already begun.’

  Eric felt his stomach turn over. The world span. He leant against the wall.

  Daisy. They’d actually taken Daisy.